For Day 27 of SHOCKTOBER, I will be watching something that is widely rumored to be good, very good, or pretty fucking great.
For Day 26, however, I watched Stan Helsing...and after a 3-day stretch consisting of The Toybox, The Nail Gun Massacre, and Stan Helsing, well, the "groan" up there in the post title is coming from me. If I don't get the antidote stat, this bad movie streak may very well be the end of ol' moi.
Stan Helsing is a slacker who works in a video store. On Halloween night, he and three of his friends head off to a party, but they're waylaid in Stormy Night Estates, where Stan has to deliver some tapes to his boss's mom. The town, which used to be a movie studio, has been cursed ever since a fire burned it down ten years prior. Stan and his friends try all night to get past the locked gates and get back to their van.
That's it. Drag that premise out for 90 minutes, douse it liberally with the worst, laziest jokes to ever grace a horror spoof, and you've got yourself a copy of Stan Helsing.
Stan and his friends have to face off against parodies of some of horror's finest villains, which...I don't know, maybe there's some humor to be mined there. If there is, then writer/director Bo Zenga has missed it entirely. Behold, the wit: Pinhead- excuse me, "Needlehead"- has darts and hypodermic needles in his head! Har, har. Freddy Krueger has been transformed into some Flava Flav ripoff (though the only real effort here is the clock around his neck), while Michael Myers is...is...he wears a yarmulke, which I suppose makes him Jewish, which is...funny?
Leatherface wields a leaf blower instead of a chainsaw, while Jason (played by Ken Kirzinger of Freddy vs Jason) wears a hockey jersey in addition to his mask- oh, and his name is...get this you guys, so funny...Mason. Get it? Instead of Jason, he's called Mason! Yeah, hilarious.
I don't see how anyone in their right mind could have read this script and thought it would make a great comedy. I don't see how it's possible that someone read this script and decided to throw money at it. This fucking movie got funding- probably several MILLION dollars. I'd say I don't know why anyone would read the script and then agree to appear in the film, but things are tough all over and it's best to take the money and run. Still, it's obvious that the actors know they're appearing in a piece of shit- they're all a bit dead behind the eyes, and the performances are largely lethargic. Steve Howey did better work on Reba, Kenan Thompson did better work in All That, and hsofga;oVDSFva;sdfa; bjakaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Sorry. I was just getting a bit worked up at how FUCKING INANE this movie is. It's also heartbreaking to see Leslie Nielsen here for absolutely no reason, given nothing to do except dodder about a bit...in drag. ISN'T THAT FUNNY?
A few bloopers are sprinkled in throughout the end credits, and during one bit, one of the actresses- one of the actresses!- sums up Stan Helsing best: "It's so stupid."
Fuck this movie.