FINAL GIRL explores the slasher flicks of the '70s and '80s...and all the other horror movies I feel like talking about, too. This is life on the EDGE, so beware yon spoilers!

Dec 31, 2006

da winnah!

Hooray! After a lengthy and very VERY extremely complicated scientific process, a winner has been chosen for the Final Girl Dazzling Curtains Giveaway Sweepstakes. Congratulations to Final Girl reader Matthew Bartush, for HE is the lucky fella who now owns at least one videocassette.

But seriously, folks, aren't we ALL winners here? Yes...yes, we are. Don't be down if you are not Matthew Bartush! You're STILL a winner to me.

I know what you're thinking..."Uh, what exactly did I win here, Stacie? 'Cause it sure ain't a copy of Curtains on VHS."

Well, my friends, I'll tell you what you've won. No, you can't hold it in your hand or put it in your VCR. You can't gaze upon it and muse about how you are kinda sorta only 2 steps removed from Tori Spelling now. You can't sleep with what you've won under your pillow because it used to belong to Final Girl.

You see, everyone who entered and didn't win, you've actually won something far, far more lasting than a simple video. You have won my neverending gratitude for reading my humble site here and for taking the time to enter the contest, THAT'S what you've won. And despite what Whitney Houston says, it's having my neverending gratitude that is, in fact, the greatest love of all.

I hope each and every one of you has a kickass New Year's Eve and an even...kickassier 2007.

Yay, sayeth Tori.

Dec 30, 2006

Last Dazzling Chance!

Tonight at 11:59 pm EST, the Final Girl Dazzling Curtains Giveaway Sweepstakes Extravaganza will turn back into a pumpkin!

SO, if you want a chance to win a copy of Curtains on VHS, send an email to me at with the subject line Donna Martin Graduates!. I'll pick a winner and that lucky person will...uh, win.

You have nothing to lose and only everything to gain by entering! And by "everything", I mean a videocassette of a cool, rare old slasher flick. Only jerks don't enter giveaway contests!

Dec 28, 2006

I can keep a theecret

If you read my little random facts about me that you probably don't care about but I feel the need to write something profile over there to the right, you'll see that I've admitted to wearing my favorite clothes until they literally fall apart. Trust me, I didn't write that in some sort of misguided attempt to make you think I'm cool- I know you already think I'm wicked fuckin' mega-cool, right? Right? Yes. Well then. No, I wrote that little chestnut because it's absolutely true. It's ok- I draw the line at wearing clothes outside of the house with holes in them. I mean, I'm not exactly ready to cross over into full-on vagabond mode, although I do carry my possessions tied up in a bandanna on a long stick in lieu of a purse. When I get hold of a shirt or sweater I like, though, it'll take nearly total garment disintegration to pry it from my hands. Frayed collars, frayed cuffs...they're comforting, what can I say?

There are some movies out there that are the cinematic equivalent of those threadbare t-shirts. They're not great or anything I'd trot out if I wanted to impress someone, but they're familiar and comforting...and dammit, I know they're not good but I like 'em anyway. I'm not talking about movies that are so-bad-they're-good...I'm talking about movies you've seen 800 times before with slight variations in character, setting, and circumstance. I'm talking about movies that adhere to a formula but you don't mind so much because you like the formula to begin with.

This is exactly the case with the Korean flick Nightmare (aka Gawi, 2000), a movie that could easily be the result of a night of sweet sweet romantic lovemaking between I Know What You Did Last Summer and The Ring. In a nutshell:

1) Friends have secret! They done did a bad, bad thing and someone ended up dead.

2) Dead person comes back to kill friends! Dead person has long black hair. Dead person pops up unexpectedly and acts all starey.

"Oooooohhh! I am a totally new screen sensation unlike anything you've ever seen before!"

Voila! How many times have we seen this plot played out? A gazillion, at the least. In don't quote me on this, but I'm totally 100% sure that the friends kill someone by accident but decide to keep it a secret and then the dead person comes back for revenge idea was first brought to life in It Happened One Night, way back in 1934. I'm just going by the title, of course, but what else could that movie possibly be about? See? It's a veritable chestnut of a plot! Timeless!

The point is, there's absolutely nothing in Nightmare that won't be completely familiar to you. I mean nothing. No, really, nothing. It's all been done before, often much, much better. Did I enjoy watching the movie? Well, yeah, I most certainly did. It's a supernatural slasher flick that's got competent direction and more-than-competent acting. What's not to like? Perhaps only the fact that it treads absolutely zero new ground...

I won't much remember it beyond the time it takes me to write this review, but spending 90 minutes with Nightmare was...enjoyable. Nothing more, nothing less. I simply happen to enjoy movies wherein people do foolish things in an attempt to cover-up a crime and their secret comes back to bite 'em in the ass. It's a weakness, I admit it. It's like midget porn...I just can't seem to control myself.

There's a few almost-creepy moments (yeah, "almost-creepy" is about as creepy as it got) and the kills are surprisingly bloody. Though they're not really worth the wait, the last moments of the film are the best moments of the film. I must say, however, that the film does have what I'm pretty sure is The Most Beautiful Female Cast in Any Movie Ever (that needs to be capitalized because, well, all the women in this movie were...uh, sort of retardedly beautiful). Still, though, I can't really recommend you seek this movie out or make an effort to catch it. Unless maybe you're like me, and you've got frayed cuffs. I give it 4 out of 10 I'd rate it higher because I liked it but I know it's such a total retread and if I rated it higher and people sought it out because of the higher rating then they'd get all mad and be like "Hey, what the fuck? That movie was a total retread!" maybe I should just rate it a 4 but really a secret 6.5 out of 10s.

Dec 27, 2006


You know those Internerd survey question-and-answer thingies, like the one I posted right here? Well, I done got "tagged" to answer a few more movie-related questions. Yup, my good ol' cyberpals cattleworks and Heather (click their names to read their surveys it!) want to read my answers to the following questions...and since they do, I can only assume that there are hundreds of thousands, if not gajillions of other cyberfolk out there who want the same.

"internerd"..."tagged"..."cyber"..."the"...I'm living on the edge here in this modern, computerized age here, people; careful, don't cut yourselves. Now then- questions and answers!

Dammit, Charles Nelson Reilly, don't be such a spoil sport. That is most definitely not the Christmas Spirit.

1. Popcorn or candy?
For what? When I'm trying to lure children into my big dirty van, I'd have to say that I've had more success with candy. Puppies, of course, are golden, but a bag of Sour Patch Kids can do the trick in a pinch.

I always say that I hate popcorn, but it's not really true. What I hate is having people around me who are eating popcorn. It kind of drives me crazy, especially when I don't want popcorn. The entire room smells of it, and then all you hear for a half hour is "rustle rustle rustle...crunch crunch crunch" while people rummage around in the bag and then cram way too much popcorn in their mouths at once- or they do the non-stop, rapid fire, vacuumesque one-piece-at-a-time method. Either way, grody to the max.

Remember that movie Popcorn? Yeah.

2. Name a movie you've been meaning to see forever.
Audition Audition Audition! It never seems to happen. I even had the damn thing in my house for a week or so and never got around to watching it. What the hell? I want to see it, I've been told I should see it, but I can't make it happen. I suck. I keep meaning to see Wolf Creek as well, but alas. Later today I'll punch myself and sit in the corner thinking about how bad I am.

3. You are given the power to recall one Oscar : Who loses theirs and to whom?

I haven't watched the Oscars in a few years. Not to turn this into some kind of dry intellectual discourse, but I find them to be a little...retarded, although I'll admit I feel a little teary-eyed when the words "Cher" and "Bob Mackie" are uttered in the same breath. That said, however, I think the Oscars sealed their doom when Ellen Burstyn's performance in Requiem for a Dream lost out to Julia Roberts' in Erin Brockovich. I mean, what's next? Teddy bears getting married?

Oh my god...NOOOOOOOOO!

4. Steal one costume from a movie for your wardrobe. Which will it be?

Admission: When I was but a wee bonny lass, I stole a cassette of the Pretty in Pink soundtrack from a local record store. I was so completely wracked with guilt I couldn't even listen to the damn thing, so I can't imagine I'd go through with stealing anything else ever. Except maybe office supplies from a job. Or jewels from the rich. Or maybe insulin from someone's mailbox if I needed it. Or candy from a whiny baby. Maybe I'd steal a car if it was nice.

I'm actually stealing right this minute.

When I think movie costume, I think "costume", like Darth Vader or some shit. And despite my propensity for appearing at comic conventions, I don't think I need a Darth Vader costume "for my wardrobe". So to answer the question...wait, what was the question?

5. Your favorite film franchise is…
As nerdish as it may be (and despite all of its glaring problems), I'd have to say Star Wars. It ain't perfect (or even close), but I'm of the age where I grew up on Star Wars and it's got a place in my heart.

Runners up: Romero's zombie movies, the Alien flicks...maybe even the Friday the 13th series.

6. Invite five movie people over for dinner. Who are they? Why’d you invite them? What do you feed them?
Whaaaaa? Damn. Umm...hmm. Do I need to think about how the five people will interact with each other or just me? Can I invite my friends, too, so I have someone to talk to if the "movie people" all suck? Will someone buy me a dinner table so we all have somewhere to sit? Gah! Fuck this Martha Stewart shit.

OK, I'd invite...umm...who the hell would I invite? Crap. Uh...ok. George Romero seems like a nice guy. And those glasses! Yes, perhaps George Romero. 4, this is hard. Who else would I want to talk to? Maybe Jamie Lee Curtis- she's been in gobs of slashers and might have something to say. And maybe she remembers all her smoove moves from Prom Night and can teach them to us after dinner. A disco-dancing George Romero...ok, now this dinner is starting to take shape. I might invite Christophe Gans and Roger Avery (a package deal) so we can talk about Silent Hill 2, because I'm completely sure that my insight would insure a stellar sequel (cough cough).

How many people am I up to? Dang. Ah! I know! Adrienne Barbeau. Absofuckinglutely. She's got some stories to tell, I'm sure of it. You know, I don't really care about "meeting famous people" beyond the novelty factor, but Adrienne Barbeau is another story. Ok...and...John Carpenter? Maybe. I don't know if he'd be cool or dreadful, you know? I mean, it is an entire dinner. But he's got a good brain to pick. Lastly, I'd invite Jessica Biel to sit directly across from me for obvious reasons.

Duh, I'm a huuuuuuge 7th Heaven fan.

What would I serve these people? Perhaps the person who is magically providing a big table will also provide food.

7. What is the appropriate punishment for people who answer cell phones in the movie theater?
I suppose I should give some clever answer here involving physical cruelties and torture, but I have a problem with doling out and/or witnessing physical cruelties and torture in real life, so I'll be a big lame-o and say "They have to leave the theatre, dammit!". That's harsh, right? I'll admit, though, the term "exploding heads" does have its charms.

8. Choose a female bodyguard: Ripley from Aliens. Mystique from X-Men. Sarah Connor from Terminator 2. The Bride from Kill Bill. Mace from Strange Days.
I need a bodyguard suddenly? I feel so Whitney Houston! I have arrived, baby!

I plead the fifth because the question feels a little too "Who would win in a fight, Thor or the Hulk?" for me.

I'd choose Ripley.

9. What’s the scariest thing you’ve ever seen in a movie?
I talked about this kind of thing to a degree way back when, right here. Read and be informed!

10. Your favorite genre (excluding comedy and drama) is?
What did comedy and drama ever to to be shunned like that? Can I say dramedy? Is that allowed? Huh? Is it? Well, I like horror movies, in case you didn't know. I also like made-for-TV movies, hokey-ass action movies, and disaster movies with all-star casts. Some sci-fi is good. I like movies- why must they all be labeled and categorized and segregated? Can't we all just live together in perfect harmony, like ebony and ivory? We are one world...have you learned nothing from Benetton ads, o internet questions?

11. You are given the power to greenlight movies at a major studio for one year. How do you wield this power?
No "mega-watt star power" in anything. Other than that, I have no idea. Well, there must be good scripts and small flicks out there that aren't given a chance, though, and I'd change that.

12. Bonnie or Clyde?
Again, I say, for what? And what's with all the questions? Jesus. But really, "Bonnie or Clyde"? Come on.

I choose Faye Dunaway, how's that?

13. Who are you tagging to answer this survey? (Three or more)
I admit, as silly as these question things are, I'd really like to read answers from Amanda by Night, Des, and John Barleycorn. The Final Girl 7. Oh, and of course you!

Man, this thing wiped me out. Well, Charles Nelson Reilly, what do you think now?

Christ, there is just no pleasing that guy.

Dec 26, 2006


So I was all set to go see Black Christmas, right? The whole, you know, "Christmas" thing was over and I was all like "Finally I don't have to open any more nice gifts people have given me or eat any more nice food that people have made for me. Yes, finally the cheers are over and it's time for the jeers to's time for some Black Christmas. And some booze." I opened up the ol' hometown paper only to find...the movie is not playing here. Not on any of the 80 jillion screens in southeastern Connecticut. How can this be? Was the viewing of horror movies in a big fat cineplex not what Santa Claus intended when he invented Christmas? I mean, what the f, Connecticut? What. The. F. Pity me, for my viewing of the flick will have to wait a few days until I return to the Final Girl Headquarters. In the meantime, you're on my list, Connecticut. First there's The Nutmeg Incident and now this. Watch your back, that's all I'm sayin'.

Silent Hill 2 is in the works, with Christophe Gans set to return to the director's chair and (lamentable sigh) Roger Avery to return to the writer's...uh, pencil and paper.

There's been some more casting announcements for Rob Zombie's Halloween. Malcolm McDowell has been cast as wacky Dr. Loomis and Tyler Mane (Sabretooth from the X-Men flicks) will be the adult Michael Myers. Meh. Shmeh. Fleh. McDowell's a decent choice, I suppose, and I can't speak much to Tyler Mane...unless Zombie's got Michael all flapping his gums and whatnot, who cares who's under the mask? They've just got to be able to move, you know, in a menacing fashion. Unlike the Michael Myerseses in the last 14 Halloween sequels. So long as Michael doesn't look like a chubby, pasty-faced troll doll (as in...err, the last 14 Halloween sequels), I couldn't care less.

Dec 22, 2006

Stuff to see

Now, I don't speak Spanish...BUT! This video is obviously 100% irrefutable absolute proof that there's a WITCH flying around where people speak Spanish. 100% irrefutable absolute proof! Man, between this and the chupacabra, I'm totally moving to Mexico.

Alright, kids. It's time for me to wish you and yours a happy holiday season, whatever holidays you happen to celebrate. I'll be back next week after the egg nog has been downed, the gifts have been opened, the punches have been thrown and Black Christmas has been seen. In the meantime, here's a video of everyone's favorite prancin' grannies, the Del Rubio Triplets. I'm kind of obsessed with them, but that shouldn't come as a surprise. Ho ho ho!

And DON'T FORGET to enter my DAZZLING CURTAINS GIVEAWAY CONTEST. This is your final warning! Send me an email at with the subject line Donna Martin Graduates! by midnight, December 30 to enter for your chance to win a copy of the 1983 slasher flick Curtains on VHS. Now that's the Christmas spirit!

Dec 21, 2006

Dec 20, 2006

About a Boy

Check it out peeps! Bloody-Disgusting has the first look at the lil' tyke portraying Michael Myers in the upcoming Rob Zombie reimaginingination of Halloween, and it's none other than...

...the 8-year-old Scarlett Johansson! WOW! I have no idea how it was done, casting the 8-year-old Scarlett Johansson in this flick (there must have been some time travel and shit and I'm sorry but science is totally hard), but by gum it's certainly a coup for Mr. Zombie and Company. Hooray!

In case you didn't know, Christmas is coming up fast. That's right, I'm pretty sure it falls on December 25, which is wicked soon. If you don't know what to ask for or you don't know what to buy that special someone, don't fret. There's a new Special Edition of the original Black Christmas out there waiting for you to take it home! Again, I say, perhaps I should just wait until I'm on my deathbed to buy DVDs so as to insure I get the most super wicked awesome ultimate edition of whatever movie. I thought my Collector's Edition was good enough, but comes the "Special" "Edition" with new interviews and commentaries and blah blah blah. Whatever. Has the "Special" "Edition" been Touched By A Margot Kidder? Probably not. I still want it, though. I'm totally trying to be all zen and like nonmaterialistic and shit and not like, you know, want stuff and whatever, but still. This review of the new edition at Fangoria has me all drooling.

Oh, and if Christmas comes and goes and you find yourself all like "Oh fuck, I totes forgot to buy a present for my bitchy old Aunt Peggy!"...well, hush that cryin', child, for The Descent hits store shelves on December 26. Aren't you excited? I am. I'd sort of forgotten about that movie, and I'm all a-twitter to watch it again.

Now, I can forgive your forgetting about your bitchy old Aunt Peggy, but I'll never EVER forgive you if you forget to enter my


It won't matter, though, because I know you simply won't be able to forgive yourself. For shame!
Remember people, all you have to do to get a chance to win a VHS copy of the 1983 slasher flick Curtains, all you have to do is send me an email at with the subject line Donna Martin Graduates! by midnight, December 30- see how easy I make it for you? And no, sending me money and gifts won't increase your chances of winning.

And by "won't increase your chances of winning", of course I mean "well, anything is possible so you'd might as well send me money and gifts just in case".

Dec 19, 2006

A Bad Infection

You know, despite all of my world-weary cynicism and my cold, blackened, anthracite heart, I have a doe-eyed naivete when it comes to horror movies. I'm just always rootin' for 'em, you know? I read a tidbit, I see a production still, I catch a trailer, and the next thing you know I'm patting the movie on the back and saying softly "Yeah. You go get 'em now. Show 'em how it's done and make me proud!" Then, after a pat on its ass, the movie goes off and does its thing. I wipe away a solitary tear and think "Thatta movie!"

Most of the time, of course, this approach only leads to heartache, disappointment, and pain. Sure, there are gems out there just waiting to be discovered- I hope, anyway. That's what keeps me coming back, what keeps me prowling the shelves at the video store. I'm a stubborn fucker and I was raised on a diet of Boston Red Sox games. I know what it is to hope, I know what it is to get kicked in the teeth, and I know what it is to hope a little bit more anyway. But damn, sometimes, after a movie has crapped on my neck, I stare at the box and I think "Why?" Then, if I've had some beer, I say out loud "Why?" After more beer I'll start yelling: "Why did you do this to me? I gave you a chance! I brought you home! Could been so beautiful...coulda been so right! We could've made a great pair, you and I, but noooo! You had to suck! Well, no more! No more fucking movies! I've had it up to here! Horror can just kiss my assssszzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz" and I pass out in a puddle of puke and DVDs. By the next day, however, I've forgotten completely about my drunken tirade and I'm suddenly making eyes at some new movie. Will my heart be broken? Most likely. But as Woody Allen says, "We need the eggs." He also sometimes says "Annie Hall is one of Stacie's favorite movies, but sometimes she thinks about my grossosity, you know, the whole getting it on with my lover's adopted daughter thing. This opens up a longstanding debate within her tortured mind about the separation of art and the artist, a debate that also comes to the forefront when she considers the works of Frankie Muniz."

My point is, I go to the video store and I read this on a box:
For ten years, the children of the world lay comatose, struck down by an eerie plague. And now, they've finally awakened to carry out a common mission: the complete annihilation of the adult human race. Viciously killing anyone over twenty, the zombie-like children spare no one, not even their parents. And as the few surviving adults run for their lives, the question still remains: who- or what- is behind THE PLAGUE?
and I'm all over that shit. It's gonna be Logan's Run meets Dawn of the Dead meets The Bad Seed meets Children of the Corn meets Dawson's Creek! What...what, I ask you, could possibly be better than that? Yes, I said Dawson's Creek, for you see The Plague (2006) features none other than Dawson himself, James Van Der Beek.

The answer to "What could possibly be better than that?", unfortunately, is "Anything"...and the answer to "Who- or what- is behind THE PLAGUE?", unfortunately, is...err, well, we never find out.

Mr. Van Der Beek is Tom, a man recently paroled after spending many moons in the clink for killing a man in a bar very Roadhouse! Upon his reentry into society, Tom finds that all the children of the world are comatose. Society is virtually ready to collapse without the sweet sweet sounds of their laughter and their stupid baby tears. Before Tom can say "Wow!", however, the children wake up and go nuts, killing all the adults in sight, sometimes with guns but mostly by...umm...well, it looked like pressing. Tom leads a small yet ragtag group of survivors (including his ex-wife The 35-year-old Poor Man's Mischa Barton) in a race for, uh, survival. Armed with naught but a furrowed brow and a copy of Steinbeck's The Grapes of Wrath, can Tom figure out what's going on and save the day? Yes...yes he can. And yes...I said The Grapes of Wrath.

The book, you see, plays a central role in the movie- perhaps the makers of The Plague fancied the film to be some sort of tribute or horror movie-style interpretation, I don't know. It's a weak analogy at best, although Tom (Ha, get it? "Tom"? Like Tom Joad? In the book? Holy fucking shit!) carries around the book in his back pocket all the time and the book ends up in the fucking back pocket of one of the children after Tom has nobly sacrificed himself. I tells ya, when the shot of the book poking out of the kid's back pocket came onscreen, I seriously wanted to punch everyone in the whole entire world. But anyway, check out this scintillating discussion of the book between Tom and his brother:

BROTHER: It's about the Great Depression, isn't it?
(15 second pause)
TOM: Oh yeah...and family, hardship, faith...
(15 second pause)
BROTHER: Huh. I thought it was about the Great Depression.

Isn't that meaningful and deep? It's like watching Oprah's Book Club come alive! Starring James Van Der Beek of television's Dawson's Creek! And those 15 second pauses I indicated up there? Wow, do they add drama! Like these exclamation marks! The more you use them, the better they are! Pause pause fucking pause! Wowee, those pauses dragged the pace of the movie down to such a crawl that I thought perhaps I had fallen into a coma myself! In fact I hoped I had so that I could soon awaken myself to death so I wouldn't have to watch the rest of the movie! EXCLAMATION MARK!

But no such luck. I was somehow awake through the entire thing, for which I guess I should be grateful- otherwise I would've missed the startling range of emotion displayed by James Van Der Beek of television's Dawson's Creek. I mean, get a load of this versatility, will you? It's so satisfying to watch a master of the craft at work.

1) Hey James Van Der Beek of television's Dawson's Creek! You've just returned home from a decade in The Big House. To your surprise, all the children in the entire world have fallen into comas, including your nephew! It's totally weird, right? Can you believe it? I mean, has the world gone mad? Am I right?

2) Hey James Van Der Beek of television's Dawson's Creek! All of a sudden, just like that, the children of the world have awakened from the comas and they're totally wreaking havoc! In fact, you just had to totally kill your nephew after he woke up, smashed your brother's brains in, and then tried to kill you, too! You must be wrought with confusion and grief, am I right?

3) Hey James Van Der Beek of television's Dawson's Creek! You've figured out somehow that in order to save the whole world you must sacrifice yourself to the children! You are about to give up your life, your soul, your Technotronic cassettes, for the good of humanity! How noble, yet how frightening! This is surely the biggest moment of your life, when you are about to step into the Great Unknown, the Great Beyond...but you're saving the whole! That's something! Am I right?

4) Hey James Van Der Beek of television's Dawson's Creek! The children have suddenly sprouted to be over 60 feet tall! And somehow, they've all turned into leprechauns who fart flaming unicorns whilst doing the Macarena! I mean, that's scary, but it's also funny, right? What a complex tapestry of emotions the giant leprechaun children weave into our hearts and I right?

See, people? That's range. That is what is called acting.

No, sadly the children did not turn into 60-foot leprechauns who fart flaming unicorns whilst doing the Macarena. If they did, this would be a very, very different review, and I have a feeling that I'd also be a very, very different woman right now. A happy woman. A woman who would be making out with the DVD box for The Plague, a woman who would walk down to the video store later on with her head held high, knowing that her eternal hope isn't always a burden- knowing that sometimes, just sometimes, dreams can come true.

But that's not today. Nosiree. Today, I hate The Plague. Today, I stick my middle finger up at the DVD box because I know that the best thing that came out of watching the movie last night was when this appeared on the screen:

and I made a joke about "Keenan Ivory Sheriff". Was it a good joke? No. No, it wasn't. I'm not ashamed to admit that. It was, however, the best thing about the movie. You shouldn't be surprised, then, when I give the movie 2 out of 10 shouldn't there actually be some kind of illness, epidemic, outbreak, infection, or...ummm...plague if you're going to call your movie The Plague?s.

Dec 15, 2006

Blecch ChristmASS

It's time to talk about the elephant in the room, folks. I'm talking, of course, about the trailer for the upcoming remake of Black Christmas.

Despite the fact that it's a remake of one of my favorite slasher flicks, I was willing to give it a chance. I do loves me some horror movies. After viewing the trailer, however, I think the only reason I'd go see it, the only reason it's piqued my interest whatsoever, is the fact that...wait. I can't think of anything, really, to et me in the theatre except that it's a horror movie! The trailer makes it look like any plain ol' mindless cut-em-up you've seen a hundred times before. Shmeh. And girl, don't even get me started on the "drunk" sorority sister! A pale, pale follow up to Margot Kidder's turn in the original.

There's a review of the flick up at indie London already, and it's rated an abysmal 1 out of 5. This quote, to me, is the most telling:
None of the sullen characters warrant any sympathy and merely exist to titillate or get slayed, while the killer himself is over-burdened by a cumbersome back story.
Ah, the cumbersome back story idea. See, the biggest thing the original flick has going for it is the fact that we know nothing about the killer in the attic. Who is he? Why is he killing these girls? We never find out, and it's supremely creepy and haunting. Sure, you can maybe piece together a little something from the content of the obscene phone calls, but it's all speculation. The randomness makes it scary- that's the essence of the movie. Learning that the killer is an escaped lunatic who killed his girlfriend 18 years ago or whatever does not add anything- a huge backstory only serves to demystify and the entire affair.

For the love of Charles Nelson Reilly, how many fucking times do I have to say it? In horror, most of all, less is more. Have we learned nothing to the havoc wrought on perfectly fine killers when weighed done by a huge "history"? Have we not seen Jeepers Creepers or the Halloween sequels? Come on.

But anyway. Ubercritic Kim Morgan has a super-duper piece about the whole Black Christmas thang over at her super-duper site, Sunset Gun. Go read her thoughts (which contain at least 87% less swearing than mine do) and the skinny on the whole how dare society debut a horror film on Christmas Day?! debacle. Yes, the religious groups are upset, just as they were way back when Silent Night, Deadly Night was released. My favorite "angry letter" from that period came from the furious pen of one Mickey Rooney, wherein he opined
I'm all for the First Amendment but...the scum who made that movie should be run out of town!
Of course, as far as I'm concerned, the fact that the movie is opening on Christmas is the biggest reason why I might get to a theatre to check it out. What is there to do on Christmas after, say, 2pm anyway? Once the gifts have been given, one can eat only so much Jubilee Roll before one desires a horror movie. It's natural.

Dec 14, 2006

The Return 2: The Returnening

It's 100% true! After a lengthy sojourn to see all the glittery sights that Los Angeles has to offer, I'm back in my humble abode where the cheese and the laugh lines are totally allowed. 'Twas a magical time on yon Olde Weste Coaste, and as much as the daily drudgery faced when a vacation ends depresses, it's nice to hang out with my pussy posse again.

What? I'm talking about my cats.

So. I'm going to pretend you all care and you're simply dying to get verbal slide show of my vacation. Alright, alright, quiet down and I'll fill you in.

I went roller skating! And I didn't even fall down once! Not to say I wasn't wobbly, and I'm afraid my days of shooting the duck are over. It was super swell fun. The crowd was very surprising- lots of people who are really, really good and really, really not who you'd expect to see on roller the Ed Asner lookey-likey. It was unfuckingcanny, people. This dude in baggy "cool" jeans would go zipping by, all weaving and whatnot...then he'd flip around and he looked exactly like Ed Asner. EXACTLY. It was very, very, very disturbing, and I don't think there was one time I saw his face that I didn't laugh. I mean, a roller skating Ed Asner is comedy gold, you know? But don't worry- I'm subtle and he never suspected a thing.

I watched TV! Which may not seem like a big deal to you, but the wonders of cable were simply...wonderful. I got sucked into a marathon of America's Next Top Model like nobody's business. It was guilt-free decadence, I tells ya.

I watched Alice! Which is sort of weird, but every night I stayed at Amanda by Night's house, I would surreptitiously put on this Alice DVD she has. Why? What possessed me? Memories, I suppose, of watching the show when I was home sick from school. I used to love the show, and I really thought Vera's dim-witted quips were the height of hystericalosity. And now? Suffice it to say, the show sucks. I never made it through an entire episode without falling asleep. I heard "Kiss my grits!", which would induce roaring fits of laughter in the audience, as would Vera's aforementioned quips. You see, to an 8-year-old, "GI Bill? Isn't that a doll they make for kids?" might be side-splitting. To a 58-year-old, however, it is not. The theme song still rocks, however, and the fact that they made a sitcom based on a Scorsese film is curious, indeed.

I went to the Tar Pits! Ah, yes, the La Brea Tar Pits. I don't know what I was expecting, really, but it wasn't what I got. I think I was expecting a swamp filled with bubbling primordial ooze and huge plants and dragonflies bigger than my head. What I got was some fenced off black ponds in the middle of a very urban area. It was still cool, but like I said, not like I expected. Just like that time I found "Indian Mounds" on a map and drove to them all excitedly. I was expecting something like Pet Sematary but instead it was just some grassy bumps.

I did touristy things! Like a hike up by the Hollywood sign and a walk down Hollywood Boulevard to Mann's Chinese Theatre. Did you know that Martin Lawrence has a cement square in front of the theatre? Yes, Martin Lawrence, alongside like...Cary Grant and Bette fucking Davis. Martin Lawrence. I feel like his inclusion sort of cheapens the whole idea...then again, perhaps I'm too ignorant to appreciate the subtle nuances of his performances in Big Momma's House, not to mention Big Momma's House 2.

I watched movies like nobody's business! Movies out the wazzoo, people, and that ain't a lie. Among the flicks watched:

Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning What a fucking waste of time. An absolute piece of shit, pointless, waste of time. I honestly think this movie is the most pointless film ever made in the history of ever. EVER. EVAAARRRRR. Hooray, it's Leatherface's backstory. He was deformed and picked on, so he was angry. Then his cuckoo nutso adoptive family decides to go cannibal just like that. So...they're crazy! And let's have another stupid Chainsaw dinner scene, which adds nothing to the storyline whatsoever. In fact, they don't even have dinner! They bring the girl up to the table, then they take her away. I just...can't...I hated this movie so much that if I ever run into it in an alley, dark or otherwise, I will kick its ass. Without hesitation, even if it's wearing glasses.

Shark Attack 2 This was pretty good B-Movie crap stuff and I liked it, but boy, it's no Shark Attack 3: Megalodon. Then again, what is? No film, man, or beast can compete with that movie. It's a losing battle from the start.

Night of the Demon Ah, finally, a cheesy Bigfoot movie for the masses. Have you ever seen a biker get his wang ripped off by Bigfoot? Have you ever seen Bigfoot grab a knife-wielding Girl Scout in each hand and make them stab each other to death? No? Then NotD is the movie for you. I was lovin' it right up to the very disturbing Bigfoot rape scene...then it seemed to take a turn from good/bad to skeezy, uncomfortable/bad. That sucked.

Cry_Wolf Good sweet mother of everything. I can't even say anything about this movie except that it's stupid stupid stupid and I can't believe I sat through the whole thing. I realize that "stupid stupid stupid" doesn't tell you anything and isn't a very professional critique, but it's true. It's one of the flat-out stupidest movies I've ever seen. Sometimes a succint comment is the most accurate. Stupid stupid stupid.

Shower of Blood This softcore movie wherein strippers actresses wash their fake tits repeatedly for a long time and there's some vampires who shoot lightning out of their fingers and dance to some Scott Joplin-esque Ragtime-y music was so GOOD bad...that it quickly earned a spot near the top of my "Best Bad Movies of All Time" list. Seriously. It was so good we watched it twice. It was so good I literally fell on the floor during a bout of laughter. For more on this flick that begs the eternal question "Is this bad on purpose?", please read SuperHeidi's review. Then find yourself a copy. It's unbelieveable.

And so on. So many movies, they're all a blur, really.

I went to Tori Spelling's house!

Yes, I went to Tori Spelling's house for a yard sale and picked through her crap. I mean...why not, you know? I will admit, it was pretty gross-feeling-inducing, seeing people paw through her belongings. I kind of just stood around and watched the scene unfold...until Amanda and I found the VHS tapes. People, I think you'll be just as surprised as I was to find out that Tori Spelling has fanfuckingtastic taste in...horror movies. She had more horror than anything else. And it was good stuff, too! I couldn't believe it! From Halloween (1, 2, & 3) to Children of the Corn to Suspiria to Repulsion, as well as lesser known gems like He Knows You're Alone and Don't Be Afraid of the Dark, I was blown away. I have a new respect for the woman! Amanda bought me Dirty Dancing, because I've never seen it. I still have absolutely no desire to watch it, but there's something so magically delicious about owning Tori Spelling's copy of Dirty Dancing that made it impossible to resist. I picked up Let's Scare Jessica to Death and the hard to find slasher gem Curtains. Which brings me to my next and final point (if you're still reading this never-ending post)...

Yeah, so I have Tori Spelling's copy of Curtains, which I bought because it was cheap and it was in the original box. But you see, I already own a copy of Curtains that's not in the original box. Wanting the box art may be pathetically nerdish, but what can I say? Don't make too much fun of me, because my pathetic nerdishness might just lead to awesomeness for YOU! Yes, you. For you see, it's now time for



Yes, it is. For those of you who don't know Curtains, let me say it's not a great slasher, but it's pretty good. It does, however, feature one of the greatest scenes in any slasher flick ever, as well as one of the spookiest-looking slasher killers ever.

Not bad, eh? OK, so, to win your very own VHS copy of Curtains, just send me an email (to: with the subject line Donna Martin Graduates! by midnight, December 30. I'll do the ol' pull a name out of a hat trick and send one lucky winner a dazzling videocassette. Easy!

It's good to be home, but I miss those palm trees.

Dec 4, 2006

catch up

No, kids, I didn't get sucked into a nerd vortex at Mid-Ohio-Con and I'm not currently writing this from another dimension. I am, however, writing this from the sunny climes of Los Angeles, where the sky is blue, the trees are palm, the milk is soy, and the boobs are fake. I like it here, though I feel very stranger in a strange land.

The aforementioned Mid-Ohio-Con was pretty cool, if at times slow and dull. Walking by the tables of a teeny tiny Joyce DeWitt and gone-grey Richard Kline I could pretend I was hanging out at the Regal Beagle circa '78...I suppose that was something. It was fun to pontificate a bit and crack wise on the horror panel...I sat next to the legendary Al Feldstein, the EC Comics artist and former EIC of Mad Magazine. He's my new best friend. I sold some comics and junk and overall had a lovely time. Hooray for nerd cons!

Oh, and I did have to spend a bit of the money I earned on the most ridiculous yet wonderful thing ever: a complete set of Dallas trading cards.

Yes, all you favorites are here, from Lucy and Miss Ellie to Sue Ellen looking glamourous, natch.

The set shows the Ewing clan doing other glamourous things as well, such as eating breakfast!

I know what you're thinking..."Sure, sure, Stacie. That breakfast card is sweet and all, but where's the action? Where are the cards depicting the more scintillating side of Dallas, like Jock breaking up a fight between JR and Bobby?" Well, bitches, here you go:

Action packed, no? If that's not enough for you action lovers out there, then hold on to your hats and get a load of this...

Bobby and Ray doing paperwork. How cool is that? See how they're laughing?


I'll have something even more horror-related tomorrow, I swear. Right now, however, I need to go get a nose job.