FINAL GIRL explores the slasher flicks of the '70s and '80s...and all the other horror movies I feel like talking about, too. This is life on the EDGE, so beware yon spoilers!

Mar 8, 2013

real talk

You guys, what the heck. It's been about five months since I have posted anything here. FIVE MONTHS. Can you believe that? Just think! If you got pregnant on the last day I posted, you would have, like, half a baby by now. That is mind-blowingly nuts.

Anyway, I thought it was time I showed my face around here, so to speak, to give you some what for.

(note: by "frequently" "asked", I mean "I think someone might have asked once, or maybe it was only a dream I had")

Is Final Girl dead?
If by "Final Girl" you mean me, then no, obviously not because here I am typing this. Unless, of course, maybe I blogging from beyond the grave.

Are you blogging from beyond the grave?
No, I am not.

Okay, so what about Final Girl the website? Is that dead?
It may seem that way, but! I would say it's not dead, it's merely in a cryogenic stasis chamber. At some point in the near future it will be thawed out and resurrected, I swear. Awakened after oh so long, Final Girl will then gaze upon an unfamiliar world with wonderment, a little trepidation, and maybe some indigestion...but she'll adjust, and it'll be as if she were never gone. You know how she do.

Well where the frig have you been?
Dudes and y'alls, here is the R.E.A.L. T.A.L.K., which stands for "real talk": I have been so totally and completely burnt out on horror movies, it is not even funny. Not even! Funny!

say what now?

Yup, it's the truth. "But how could it have come to this??" you are probably saying screaming to yourself as you rend your clothes and roll around on the floor. Well, friendos, there are a lot of reasons for it. The biggest, maybe, is that in recent times, more often than not I found myself writing about horror movies I didn't give two shits about. Never mind two shits, I didn't even give one shit about 'em. Wait, never mind one shit...I did not even have a ha'shit to give.

I think we can all agree that unless you are an asshole, it is best to review movies you have actually seen. Because of science, in order to see the movies I had to write about, I also had to watch them. Many of these films were bad. Most of them, though, were just...there. Uninspired, dull, samey-samey stuff that I wouldn't watch unless I had to, know, I did. For me, shrugging off the apathy and figuring out something to say about those movies was like pulling teeth. Or, more succinctly, like having my teeth pulled. And then put back in. With a hammer. With a Mjolnir.

If that sounds "wah wah, I had to watch horror movies and write about them", well man, I guess I just don't care. You see, I started Final Girl to talk about horror movies I love (even if they stink), not whatever happens to be coming out on DVD next month. It should go without saying, but I will say it anyway: this does not mean that I am railing against new horror, or that whatever happens to be coming out on DVD next month isn't going to be wonderful. It just means that hey, writing can be difficult, watching movies you don't really want to watch can be difficult, and I just. Burnt. Out.

And boy do I mean it! Believe me, I haven't been, you know, watching a shit ton of horror and not telling you about it; I've probably seen...mmm, four scary movies? maybe?...since I last posted here. (One of them was Mama and you know what? I really liked it. SO SUE ME.) Here's what is up: I try to give something in the genre a go- by which I mean I browse my Netflix queue- and everything looks the same. All the plot synopses sound alike. None appeal to me enough to give 'em a go. I think about sitting through them, and I start puking boredom out of my eye holes every time! And then I watch something else entirely, like a documentary or an episode of whatever (great show). Or I read or I play a video game. Or I draw some comics. Or I do anything besides watch a horror movie.

It is the worst!

Yeah, so okay, what?
Man, I don't know. I've been talking horror movies a lot lately, and I feel the love coming back. I can't wait for the new Evil Dead. THAT'S RIGHT, I SAID IT. I miss writing like you would not believe, and I need to start doing it again on the regs, as none of the kids would say. Most of all, I'd like to get Final Girl back to where it started: me talking about stuff I love, even if said stuff stinks...because you know why? Because it is time. You know why it is time? Because here's why:

Earlier tonight, during my weekly Friday "me" time (not a euphemism), I was a-sippin' Riunite and a-listenin' to Delilah and she gave out a dedication that caught my ear holes: "From Final Girl to Final Girl" was all she said, and then this song played:
I mean, what else can I do? Eff this cryogenic state! It's thawenin' time!