SHOCKtober: 448-428

Say it with me now...each of these films received ONE VOTE each!

448. Plan 9 from Outer Space -- 1959, Ed Wood
447. Poltergeist III -- 1988, Gary Sherman
446. Pontypool -- 2008, Bruce McDonald
445. Prometheus -- 2012, Ridley Scott
444. Psycho II -- 1983, Richard Franklin
443. Psycho Cop Returns -- 1993, Adam Rifkin
442. Puppet Master -- 1989, David Schmoeller
441. Quatermass and the Pit -- 1967, Roy Ward Baker
440. R-Point -- 2004, Su-chang Kong
439. Rabies -- 2010, Aharon Keshales & Navot Papushado
438. The Rape of the Vampire -- 1968, Jean Rollin
437. Razorback -- 1984, Russell Mulcahy
436. Rear Window -- 1954, Alfred Hitchcock
435. The Reflecting Skin -- 1990, Philip Ridley
434. Resolution -- 2012, Justin Benson & Aaron Moorhead
433. Return of the Living Dead III -- 1993, Brian Yuzna
432. Rituals -- 1977, Peter Carter
431. Rock 'n' Roll Nightmare -- 1987, John Fasano
430. The Rocky Horror Picture Show -- 1975, Jim Sharman
429. Rose Red -- 2001, Craig R. Baxley
428. Satan's Cheerleaders -- 1977. Greydon Clark

Fun fact about Rituals...in my review, I posted a screenshot of Hal Holbrook sitting in the middle of the road, staring into the sunrise and made a joke about it being the cover of his 1978 lite-rock album "On the Road to Soft Gold." Well! Someone took that as a tidbit of truth and added it to the trivia section on the film's IMDb page. (It has since been scrubbed.) Well well! Apparently someone reading that trivia page also took it as a tidbit of truth and mentioned it in the commentary track of the movie's DVD release.

Look, obviously we all want to live in a world where Hal Holbrook releases soft rock albums, but we are not there yet. Man, the whole debacle is my one claim to fame and I didn't even get credit for it!

Also: fuck yeah Psycho II!

SHOCKtober: 10-1

Well, well, here we are. The end of our long, difficult journey has arrived. Let's throw that ring into the lava and get on with it, shall we? Without further ado, here are the ten films that have scared you guys the most. The number in bold is the number of votes received.

10. Poltergeist -- 1982, Tobe Hooper -- 17

9. A Nightmare on Elm Street -- 1984, Wes Craven -- 17

8. The Ring -- 2002, Gore Verbinski -- 18

7. The Descent -- 2005, Neil Marshall -- 22

6. Alien -- 1979, Ridley Scott -- 23

5. The Texas Chain Saw Massacre -- 1974, Tobe Hooper -- 25

4. The Shining -- 1980, Stanley Kubrick -- 25

3. The Blair Witch Project -- 1999, Daniel Myrick & Eduardo Sanchez -- 27

2. Halloween -- 1978, John Carpenter -- 28

1. The Exorcist -- 1973, William Friedkin -- 36

And there you have it. That's a mighty fine Top 10, folks! It wouldn't exactly match up to mine (I should maybe get around to posting that some time), but I would gladly take it.

I was interested to see how it stacks up against your 2010 list of favorite horror films, so I made this scientific chart:

Now, there are some major discrepancies in terms of vote numbers, so that's worth bearing in mind. In 2010, I asked for your Top 20 favorites...I learned my lesson from the madness that wrought and this year, I only asked for ten movies. Also, the voter turnout this year was decidedly lower. But still, a comparison is noteworthy.

Look at that, in 2013, not a zombie in sight! 2010, not a Blair Witch to be found! Freddy Krueger earned the same spot on both lists! Leatherface and Jack Torrance swapped places! The WOW FACTOR is immense.

Anyway. Good job, everyone. Pat yourself on the back! Unless you didn't submit your list...in that case, punch yourself in the face! With candy. It's Halloween!

In...In...Insidious

While those of you who are not a member of The Olds may not get it, I hope at least some of you out there are singing that post title to this tune.

Anyway, what of Insidious, the forthcoming ghost flick from Saw creators James Wan and Leigh Whannell? Consensus seems to give it several thumbs up; while I think it's the best thing they've done since Saw, I give it 3/4 of a thumbs-up. Or, I should say, a thumb 3/4 of the way up, for I have a regular-sized thumb.

Wow, verdict out of the way early, so unlike me! However, I'm feeling succinct today. In fact, I'm feeling scatterbrained and bullet point today.

• You'll like this movie. It starts out very strong, sort of a Paranormal Activity (you know, creepy stuff around the house...but it's not the house that's haunted, it's the boy!) with a plot. This is no surprise, as Paranormal Activity's mastermind Oren Peli is a producer on Insidious.
• I'm very firmly entrenched in Camp Rose Byrne Can Do No Wrong, and so the fact that the two-thirds of the film belong to her and her character Renai, I was quite happy. In fact, early it seemed that Insidious would address a theme that's a bit Yellow Wallpaper-esque- that marriage and motherhood can sometimes not jive with a lady. As is virtually always the case, however, this was never taken up wholly. Maybe it was never an intent of the filmmakers, who knows...but I think it's there, just a little kernel of something interesting. However, for the last third of the film, the focus shifts to Renai's dullard of a husband Josh (Patrick Wilson) and it becomes his story. Renai does little from that point on besides cry, and it's a letdown.



• Between this movie and Wan's & Whannell's previous effort Dead Silence, it's evident that the duo find old ladies to be entirely terrifying, just by the virtue of their existence. Surely poor old Miss Havisham haunts both of their dreams.


• When Insidious becomes Josh's story, it also becomes a love letter to Poltergeist, complete with a wacky ghostbusting squad and Lin Shaye as a Tangina/Dr. Lesh hybrid. This is not unwelcome, particularly the Lin Shaye-ness of it. Maybe it's just me, but I love seeing her in a major role in the multiplex.



• Early on, there's no denying that Insidious is fucking creepy. It is, in fact, a "good old-fashioned" haunted house movie replete with phantom footsteps, creaky doors that open of their own volition, the whole nine yards. There are also some of the best jump scares I've ever had the pleasure of jumping out of my seat to.
  
• Later on, there's no denying that Insidious gets far less creepy. It never degenerates into an overblown CGI mess, but the filmmakers make some really bad choices and show far too much that's on the "hey, that's corny" side of scary. If I'm told a place is akin to Hell, full of tortured souls suffering in eternal torment and you decide to show this place, don't make that place a house filled with ghosts who stand there and give "creepy" smiles. If you've spent an hour establishing that a demon is horrifying, don't subsequently show him in his lair, surrounded by bouncing marionettes (we get it guys, you did Saw and Dead Silence) and sharpening his claws on a modified old timey sewing machine as "Tiptoe Through the Tulips" plays.

Insidious is a race horse you bet on despite your well-founded hesitation- could this actually be a winner? To your surprise, it starts out even stronger than you could have hoped for. You cheer it on, unconcerned that you're making a bit of a fool of yourself- you know, like Julia Roberts at that polo match in Pretty Woman- and you think YES. Your faith is restored! The, in the last half-lap, it falters and you think NO. No, Insidious, just a bit further! Keep chugging, you can do it! Insidious does keep chugging, but it's too winded to finish in first. It falls back, and back again, barely wheezing across the finish line. You crumple your betting ticket a bit disappointed, but then you reflect on the jubilation you felt early on and you think YES. Yes, that's enough...besides, I only bet $12 and I also had some Sno Caps. It was a good race.

The Year in Horror: 1986

I can't do math. I know, this is not at all shocking. After all, I'm a girl and it's just a fact that girls can't do math. However, I took that concept to moronic new highs (or lows) recently when I had a bright idea for a post topic. See, the idea had something to do with choosing a movie released 25 years ago- I figured it'd be easy, as 25 years ago was, what...1967? '68? Something like that. Maybe I'd write about Night of the Living Dead or Rosemary's Baby or something else equally ca-lassic. Just when I smushed my face up all thinking really hard-style about which movie to choose, however, my brain slapped me across the face. What kind of time-warp shit was going on? My brain was all, "Bitch, 1968 is more than forty years ago. Where are you getting this "25 years" from? 25 years ago, it was 1986. Idiot! Now ice me up some cream."

Apparently in my world, the last decade or so has not occurred. 1986! Nineteen eighty effing six! It doesn't seem possible that it was 1986 25 years ago- especially since I am only 23 myself- but I assure you...I have consulted my science calculator and it is most certainly the case.

Then I got a bit whiny. 1986? No good movies came out in 1986. Nothing good whatsoever came out of 1986! The mid-eighties were a cultural wasteland! They were nothing but a big, dark pit filled with Glass Tiger cassettes, snap bracelets, and Z Cavaricci pants. Why, it's shudder-inducing, I tells ya!

This line of thinking was interrupted by yet another wallop from my brain- "1986 was actually a damn good year for horror, you dolt. Now where's that ice cream?" My brain is right about that, mostly. Take my hand, won't you, and let's travel back a whopping 25 years to 1986!

The sequels

Okay, the sequels that hit in '86 were very comme ci, comme ça if you know what I mean. Some are classics of cinema- such as Aliens, in which one Ellen Ripley became a bona fide example of the elusive "strong female character" and my burning dislike of Paul Reiser was born.


Then other sequels...well, the Friday the 13th series pooped out its sixth entry, Jason Lives, a film that is more beloved than it deserves simply because it had the good sense to be released after the dreadful Part V: A New Beginning. I cannot speak knowledgeably on Lamberto Bava's Demons 2, but someday I hope to rectify that. That's right, someday! Someday I'll see it, I just know I will! Verily, I brought a big bag of hope to this blog post.

Poltergeist II is...well, it's there and it's worth a watch, not the least reason why is the tequila worm scene (if you haven't seen it, I'll leave that up to your imagination). 1986 also brought us The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2, which is not like the first one, I'll give it that. Psycho 3 brought about a bit of WTF-ery with its "Oh, wait...is this a black comedy?" approach, and the less said about Howling II: Your Sister is a Werewolf, the better...but Silent Night, Deadly Night 2 is another matter entirely. Friends, it's always Garbage Day in my heart.

The slashers

While the films of Freddy Krueger, Jason Voorhees, and Michael Myers would be churned out for years to come, by 1986 the slasher film was in its death throes and original films within the genre were scarce. Mind you, if the so bad I forgot I even saw it 1986 flick Terror at Tenkiller is any indication, the demise of the slasher was probably a good thing. On the other hand, April Fools Day also hit in '86, and we all know how much I love that movie. I SAID WE ALL KNOW.

Ahem. Oh yeah, and remember that time I made a whole bunch of you watch Slaughter High for Film Club? That was fun. Shut up, Slaughter High is the best movie ever even though it stinks. I mean, "C'mon you guys, let's par-deeeeeeee!"...how can you not want to marry it?

The sci-fi-ers

I'm not sure why, but sci-fi/horror movies were big, big, big in 1986. I mentioned Aliens, but let's not forget David Cronenberg's The Fly, which holds up remarkably well despite the dueling fluff-mullets of Jeff Goldblum and Geena Davis. In the words of Pauline Kael, "That shit be classic, yo." Besides, I'm pretty sure that disliking Geena Davis in any capacity will put you on Homeland Security's radar as probably a terrorist.

Stuart Gordon rode the freaky train to H.P. LovecraftTown (I don't know what that means) with From Beyond, which scarred my young brain in several capacities. Critters did their thing in Critters, Martian invaders invaded in Invaders from Mars (from Tobe Hooper!). There were wicked huge gorillas running amok in Link and King Kong Lives (which, the particularly astute among you may notice is also a sequel). And then there was Night of the Creeps. Thrill me, indeed.

More, more, more

Look, I have no idea if Wes Craven's Deadly Friend is good, bad, neither, or somewhere in between. I have not seen it since I saw it 50,000,000 times when it came out and all I really remember is this: Kristy Swanson getting pushed down the stairs by her father was some high fucking tragedy, and Anne Ramsey gets her head blowed up real good by a high-speed basketball. Other than that? I have no idea. Those memories themselves may be erroneous! I suppose I could watch it again to see, but I'd almost rather have it live in my memories, only brought to the fore about when someone says "Have you seen Deadly Friend?", to which I will emphatically reply "I LOVE THAT MOVIE!" even though that should probably be in the past tense. Loved. I loved that movie.

Man, The Hitcher, amiright? Good, good stuff. And that scene. You know the one. This one, which also qualified as high tragedy to my young mind:


I can't believe I never really thought about it much before my recent math...problem, but y'all, 1986! It gave us gold, it gave us crap. Witchboard, House, Gothic (I frickin' hate Gothic. I've tried and I've tried, and I just do not like it. Is it me? I feel like that movie is beloved, at least on a cult level, though the reasons for this obviously escape me), Maximum Overdrive (!!!), Trick or Treat, Troll...those really were the days and this journey down Memory Lane sure was fun. Next up, I'll celebrate the 5th anniversary of 1978!

a small tribute to...

...that 80s horror trend where chicks wore sports jerseys as pajamas.

CURTAINS (1983)

FRIDAY THE 13th PART VI: JASON LIVES (1986)

UNHINGED (1982)

POLTERGEIST (1982)

the continuing adventures of carl anne, part 2

Maybe it was Kindertrauma's loving ode to Poltergeist III during this year's Hey, Internet! Stop Being Such Cynical Effing Douchebags! blog-a-thon that got me predisposed to like a film that's almost universally reviled. After all, I tend to take the words of Unkle Lancifer and Aunt John as gospel. It couldn't be that the movie really isn't that bad, could it?

'Cause when you break it down, Poltergeist III (1988) is all kinds of lousy. Somehow, though, all the crappy elements come together to create a work of magically enjoyable crap. In other words, The crappy sum is not nearly as crappy as the crappy parts. Poltergeist III is a bit like the cinematic equivalent of Desperately Seeking Susan-era Madonna, all jelly bracelets, lace, greasy hair, untweezed eyebrows, gloves, crucifixes, oversized bows, animal prints, and neon. Each horrid enough on its own, together they form a vortex of nonsense that's disturbingly compelling.

In related news, I still loves me some Madonna despite the fact that she's slowly morphing into the puppet from Saw and I'm starting to find her thighs threatening.

It was flat out ballsy- or just plain stupid- for writer/director Gary Sherman (Raw Meat, Dead and Buried) to essentially strip away everything people loved about the first two films as he embarked on P3. Gone were most of the Freelings as Carol Anne (Heather O'Rourke) went to stay with her aunt Patricia and uncle Bruce (Tom Skerritt and Nancy Allen) for reasons that remain vague throughout the movie (really, would Steve and Diane ever let Carol Anne out of their sight after everything they've been through?). Gone was the bland suburbia, as the action moved to a glass and chrome Chicago high rise. Additionally, Poltergeist III is more gory and teen-oriented than its predecessors. All of this new inevitably leads to cries of "Hey! What gives, jive turkey?" from legions of the world's Polterfiends. It's understandable, but sometimes change is good. Of course, I think the idea behind Halloween III is kind of a good one too, so take what I say about it with a grain of something or other.

What the film gets right, it gets really right. The ample use of mirrors as Reverend Kane pursues Carol Anne throughout the skyscraper is killer. Everyone's got a creepy, shriveled up, ne'er-do-well doppelganger and though it's cheesy at times, the effects are mostly spooky enough. Brood-esque Carol Anne in particular is bitchin'.

The biggest faults in Poltergeist III are...well, they're pretty big. The script is fairly weak and no one is given much to do beyond yelling "Carol Anne!" repeatedly- and boy, do I mean repeatedly. After it started to get on my nerves, I kept track; I counted 19 "Carol Anne!"s in a matter of ten minutes.

Despite this, most of the cast soldiers through admirably. As Bruce's daughter Donna, Lara Flynn Boyle (looking a bit like a young Lindsay Lohan), is both dull and charming. Tom Skerritt is reliably Tom Skerritt. Heather O'Rourke gives her all and rises above the material as best as she can. It's heartbreaking to watch her in her red footie pajamas, smiling though she must have been in pain, her face puffy with illness.

Nancy Allen, though...was she blackmailed into doing this picture? I love Nancy Allen, but man, she didn't even try. In fact, She was, like...anti-trying, to the point where you could read on her face how little she wanted to be there. Her performance sucked all the life out of every scene she was in, and I'm not sure why. Maybe the weight of her massive shoulder pads was too much to bear and her concentration was off.

At times, the entire production falls victim to a kind of lethargy. The most egregious example of this comes as Bruce, Patricia, and Tangina (Zelda Rubenstein) set off to find Carol Ann, who has fallen into the clutches of Reverend Kane. Tangina says "We must get upstairs as fast as we can!" and the three of them proceed to take their time, casually making their way with zero urgency. There's simply not a lot of tension to be found in Poltergeist III, and it's a shame. With a heavier hand, perhaps, from the director and a bit more enthusiasm, the film really could have been something.

That said, the scene where Donna busts out of beef jerky Tangina screaming her head off is really something, and that really something is totally boss.


Poltergeist III, I know you're no good for me, but I think I love you anyway. Why oh why do I always fall for the bad ones?

the continuing adventures of carl anne, part 1

First off, for those of you who have no idea who Carl Anne is, clicken ze click click and be enlightened.

So how 'bout that Poltergeist II: The Other Side (1986), huh? For a sequel to a movie that wasn't exactly crying out for a sequel, it's not that bad. This is, of course, discounting the Floating Family Power and Gramma's Mighty Angel Robes ending and the whole "They're all psychics?" angle. Other than that, though, I don't think the film completely deserves its rep as a total turkey.

Reverend Kane is undeniably creepy. When he shows up at the Freeling's house and demands repeatedly to be let in, it's downright scary, especially since we don't know yet what this kookadook's motivations are- he's just a weird looking dude who seems...off...and really wants to get into their house.

Dammit, I like the Freelings. It's not often when you find characters who are across the board likable, especially in the horror genre, but this family fits the bill. They're sweet without being sickening, they're good but not perfect, they're funny and kind and man...it seems like they even like each other. The relationship between Steven (Craig T Nelson) and Diane (JoBeth Williams) is simply a delight to watch.

The scene where Steven pukes up the 'roided out tequila worm is so fucking boss! When it turns into the slimy torso thing and slithers away? Please. That scene alone makes Poltergeist II worthwhile.

It certainly isn't on par with the original film and it's certainly not the greatest of shakes, but come on. Cut it some slack, folks.

Except the end. The end sucks, I'll give you that.

briefs

- While you were sleeping, I went to see Disaster Movie and reviewed it for AMC. I think it was only because the hellish experience that was Demon of Paradise was still coursing through my veins that I didn't want to kill myself. So for that, I thank you, Demon of Paradise. Now get the eff out of my life forever! I seriously need to watch a quality movie before I find the nearest Grand Canyon and go all ten kinds of Thelma and Louise.

- Go visit my ol' pal Arbogast and check out his quasi-tribute to America's Next Top favorite caver, Beth, from The Descent. To avoid fainting, I must keep repeating, there are good movies out there...good movies out there...good movies out there...good movies out there...thanks for the reminder, Arbo! Beth rules and she rules hard.

- From the I weep for the children who are supposedly our future department: The Internets are all up in arms over the kinda sorta news that Vadim Perelman (The House of Sand and Fog) maybe kinda might helm the super possible Poltergeist remake. It's a fowl story, indeed, that Bloody-Disgusting has related. No one expressed their trepidation at the prospect more poignantly than commenter horrorchick81, however:

they need shot! y remake a GOOD classic horror/supernatural movie? who would star in it anyway everyone dies from them movies anyway bc of the poltergeist curse. there is noo way that this tupid ass remake will live up to the original even if they did get craig t nelson to reprise his role as stephen. anyone know what ever happened to that kid who played robbie in one an two?? i am soo signing it. never even seen house osf sand and fog so cant bitch bout the directer dude.

Verily...they need shot. And in case you were unaware of all the rumors of hauntings and curses surrounding the original Hooper/Spielberg production, horrorchick81 goes on to shed some light:

uh ya there is a thing as curse, how do you explain heather orourkes untimley/mysterious death??? the orignal cane/julian beck!? umm doninique dunnes (cant think of her name but she was robbies and carl annes sis in the first) death when she was strangeled by her boyfriend when i guess a friend/neighbor was litening to the poltergeist soundtrack?? taylor dying? that mysterious light when tangena got her pic. taken in the photograph?? to me that aint coincidence that is a curse so idk what u are talkin bout when u say there is no curses.

Maybe that's why I'm suddenly mired in bad movies when my week started out so well: there is a thing as curse. Who knew? I mean, besides horrorchick81, natch.

Now if you'll excuse me, I suddenly feel a burning desire to make some parse trees.

awesome movie poster friday- the POLTERGEIST edition!

The third one down is the US advance poster and I have no idea what it says- this was the best copy I could find.

I have such a warm spot in my heart for Poltergeist. I saw it at the drive-in with my parents when it came out and it blew me away. The scene where the dude rips off his own face and plops the pieces in the sink grossed me out so bad I made my mom take me to the concession stand for fear I was gonna barf. Poltergeist really fucked with my head!

I'm a big lame

I know I'm approximately 427561 reviews behind schedule. It pains me right to my very core, I tells ya! I've been busier than...err, something that's super busy lately- but when my grand nefarious plans are finally revealed, I promise promise promise you'll be all "Oooh!" and you'll forget that I didn't have time to review these movies we've all seen before.

In an approach I like to call "totally and completely fucking anti-climactic, I'm simply going to tell you what films comprise the remainder of My Willies List, and I'll make an attempt to give 'em the in-depth treatment at some point in the future. You might be wondering why I'm even bothering to list them, but it's just because I thought you might like to know, okay? Why you gotta be frontin'?

Jacob's Ladder
The Thing
The Birds
Carrie
Poltergeist
The Beyond
The Devil's Backbone
Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?
The Tenant
Suspiria
The Fly (Cronenberg)
Pet Sematary

There, see? Maybe you should just imagine what I'd say about each of them...like how much Jacob's Ladder influenced Silent Hill, or how effing great Bette Davis is in Baby Jane, or I how I always thought the grody sister in Pet Sematary was Amanda Plummer but she's totally not, or how they're remaking The Birds and I'm going to be torn because it's a remake of The friggin' Birds but I love Naomi Watts so I'll probably end up seeing it against my better judgment. Add lots of swearing and it's just like I wrote reviews, right?

Right? Isn't it?

pretend you care...

...about my answers to these movie-related questions that somehow made their way to my inbox. By "somehow", I mean they were sent to me.

1. Name a movie that you have seen more than 10 times.

Umm...I guess Star Wars and The Empire Strikes Back. They're sort of their own thing, and repeated viewings don't diminish their effectiveness. The fact that I was a kid when they came out helps boost the viewing number as well, although I'm positive it's still in the 2-digit realm, don't worry. The more I like a horror film, the less I want to watch it again and again- repeated viewings suck away the magic pretty quickly. I trot out my favorites maybe once or twice a year. That said, I've probably seen Halloween more than 10 times.

2. Name a movie that you've seen multiple times in the theater.

Not many. I know I saw The Blair Witch Project twice, and Event Horizon, I think, but that's about it. It's too pricy. I mean, do I look like I'm made out of solid gold? Do I smell like Elizabeth Taylor's White Diamonds? Sheesh.

3. Name an actor that would make you more inclined to see a movie.

Adrienne Barbeau, George Kennedy, Charles Napier, Faye Dunaway, Deborah Foreman, Kurt Russell, Jennifer Rubin, Alex Reid, Marilyn Burns, Amy Steel, Christopher Lee, Faye Grant, Marc Singer, the cast of Dallas, the cast of Melrose Place, and the guy who played Silent Movie Zombie in the Savini-remake of Night of the Living Dead.

4. Name an actor that would make you less likely to see a movie.

Tom Cruise, Nicolas Cage, Gwyneth Paltrow, Julia Roberts, and PAUL REISER. I don't know why I have such a huge hate-on for that guy, but I do. Maybe it started with Aliens.

5. Name a movie that you can and do quote from.

This isn't meant to sound all braggy, but I have a pretty good memory and I remember a fair amount of dialogue from movies. There's little I hate more than movie dialogue that becomes National Catchphrases, however- I'll never forgive Mike Myers for all the times I've had to endure "Not!" and truly horrendous Austin Powers imitations. I've quoted from Silence of the Lambs pretty frequently, though...I mean, you'd be surprised how often "I can smell your cunt" comes up in the course of a week.

5. Name a movie musical that you know all of the lyrics to all of the songs.

I'm really not a fan of musicals, the exception being Jesus Christ Superstar. If you haven't seen it, you haven't lived, baby.

6. Name a movie that you have been known to sing along with.

Does not compute.

7. Name a movie that you would recommend everyone see.

Shark Attack III: Megalodon

8. Name a movie that you own.

I was simply going to repeat Shark Attack III: Megalodon, but to make this exciting and interesting, I will now walk over to my shelf, close my eyes, randomly point to a movie I own, and report my findings. Hold on.

Survey says...Don't Look Now.

9. Name an actor that launched his/her entertainment career in another medium but who has surprised you with his/her acting chops.

Bjork

10. Have you ever seen a movie in a drive-in? If so, what?

Heh. I think I was born at the drive-in. I was fortunate enough to see almost all of the early-'80s horror fare at the drive-in: Friday the 13th, F-13-2, Poltergeist...you name it, I probably saw it.

11. Name a movie that you keep meaning to see but just haven't yet gotten around to it.

Audition! STILL!! I've been saying for 54658816 years that I'm gonna see this movie, and yet it remains beyond my grasp. I guess I'm just a big lame.

12. Ever walked out of a movie?

The only movie I recall walking out of was Oh God, You Devil! which I went to see with my best friend when I was in...like, 6th grade. It was awesome that we were at the movies sans parents, but the movie sucked so we left and went to the arcade at the other end of the shopping plaza. Wise choice.

13. Name a movie that made you cry in the theater.

Tears of sad: Life is Beautiful
Tears of rage: Black Christmas (2006)
Tears of awesome: The Descent

14. Popcorn?

What about it?

15. How often do you go to the movies (as opposed to renting them or watching them at home)?

Not often, sadly enough. The fact that movies are available on DVD fairly quickly nowadays makes me even less inclined to spend the money at a theatre. The ratio is probably something pathetic like 30:1.

16. What's the last movie you saw in the theater?

I don't remember....Black Christmas, maybe? Is that possible? How sad sad sad. What am I, Rip Van Winkle?

That doesn't make sense, but whatevs.

17. What's your favorite/preferred genre of movie?

Umm...hmm...maybe horror. What's my favorite subgenre of horror, though? That's a tough one. I like a good- GOOD- haunted house movie. I like Animal Attack movies, I like zombie movies, I like Children Attack movies, I like horror anthologies...I could go on.

18. What's the first movie you remember seeing in the theater?

I don't know if it was the theatre or the drive-in, but the first movie I remember seeing period is Disney's Snow White. I remember my parents taking me to see it and it was an exciting big deal- they really hyped it up beforehand that I was going to the movies. Awesome.

19. What movie do you wish you had never seen?

Even the worst movies give me something to write about here at Final Girl, and I'll admit that sometimes the bad reviews are way more fun to write than the good reviews. However, I can think of absolutely no redeeming qualities whatsoever to Bloodsucking Freaks, and if I have to choose a movie, I choose that one.

20. What is the weirdest movie you enjoyed?

I don't really know how to answer that. What's "weird" mean? How about this- it's weird that I liked Dave. But is Dave a weird movie? Probably not.

21. What is the scariest movie you've seen?

Sheesh. THE scariest? That's tough. Probably The Exorcist or The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

22. What is the funniest movie you've seen?

That's tough, too. There's different kinds of funny, you know? These are funny to me, however: Airplane!, Waiting for Guffman, Harold and Maude, Annie Hall, Wet Hot American Summer, The Jerk.

There, wasn't that fun? I said, WASN'T THAT FUN, CHARLES NELSON REILLY?

Man, why you gotta be like that?

That WAS the boogeyman, wasn't it?

Do you like to see people cut into bits? Are you crazy? Why do you want to watch such reprehensible garbage?

These are some typical responses I get when I tell people I like horror movies. They're so low-brow, that to enjoy them surely I must be a simple idjit or a raving psychopath myself. Add to that, slashers are certainly the lowest rung on the genre's ladder. Even horrormeister John Carpenter admits,

"If you direct my kind of pictures, you are kind of a ghettoized guy anyway. Horror directors are a little above pornographers. Just a hair." (Fangoria, June 2000)

I'll admit that sometimes these movies can be a little hard to defend. So what, if anything, is admirable about these movies? What do I get out of them?

Like I said in yesterday's post, I like scary stuff. When I was a kid, lying in bed I wondered if Jason Voorhees could climb up the outside of our house and get in my second storey window. This speculation would keep me awake for hours, and would give me quite a little adrenaline rush- I hated the butterflies in my stomach and also looked forward to getting them. For me, that feeling is still the big draw to these movies. While I can ferociously admire the work of Tom Savini and company, I'm not a gorehound. While people obviously will die during the course of a slasher, I personally don't get off on watching people be slaughtered or tortured. In fact, that's a major misconception about the genre- prolonged agony of the victims is usually scarce in these movies. Death generally comes quickly, if bloody.

These are the movies that got furthest under my skin and terrified me- more than Christopher Lee did as Dracula, more than any of Boris Karloff's thousand faces ever could. On a side note, however, a whole "new" genre is doing a decent job of getting under my skin: these new-fangled "J-Horror" flicks (that's Japanese horror to the uninformed among us). These movies have shown me that ghosts can be scary. Really, really scary. I've always thought seeing a ghost would be sweet, and I used to be disappointed when I'd go somewhere supposedly haunted and come out seeing squat (note, I said used to be). If a ghost is badly behaved, after all, it's just because it's become lost on its journey to the other side, right? Isn't that what the little lady in Poltergeist told Craig T Nelson? Help a brotha ghost out, he'll be gone quicker than Bette Midler's sitcom. That image of ghosts- that just as every hooker has a heart of gold, every ghost has a heart like Casper- was shattered when the weird kid in The Ring turned to Naomi Watts and said, "You didn't help her, did you?". What the fuck?! Samara was pure evil? Oh. Oh no. That's not playing by the rules. That's not cool at all.

So where was I? Oh yeah, professing my love. You see, as much as I enjoy the well-made slashers (yes, there is such a thing), the ones that might even provide a fright or two, I also enjoy the so-bad-they're-funny ones. Like any other genre, horror has its classics and its crap. As Halloween is to Halloween 5, Citizen Kane is to Glitter.

So let's shut up and talk about 'em now, shall we?