FINAL GIRL explores the slasher flicks of the '70s and '80s...and all the other horror movies I feel like talking about, too. This is life on the EDGE, so beware yon spoilers!

Apr 30, 2009

so i made a movie, part one

I recently made a short horror film called Ludlow, starring Shannon Lark and Elissa Dowling. I thought I'd share all the boring details about how that came to be, know...sharing is caring and if there's one I thing I do, it's care.

Remember that thing I did called Ghostella's Haunted Tomb? The lezzie horror webseries thingy that had some special guest stars and stuff, and some people kind of got the idea behind the whole thing and some people didn't? Huh? Yeah, well…I don't know what's happening with Ghostella. I haven't yet decided if I want to do a second season or not, or what it'll entail, or…but! This is not meant to be about Ghostella's Haunted Tomb.

Remember Fudgalicious gum? Which was gum, but…you know, it was chocolate? That's either the best or worst idea in the history of ever- kind of like the Spice Girls, or those bowls you can buy that come with a built-in straw for drinking whatever milk is leftover after you've eaten your Fruity Pebbles or whatever. Actually, you know what? Those bowls you can buy that come with a built-in straw are the worst, plain-n-simple. I mean, how effing hard is it to tip the bowl into your mouth if you want to drink the leftovers? There needs to be a straw?

Wait! This is not meant to be about Ghostella or Fudgalicious or stupid inventions or stupid, lazy people. This is meant to be about…umm…what was I...oh yeah! This is all concerning a short film I made last week, which I know you're all peeing your pants in anticipation to hear about. Well, pull up those pants and gather 'round, children, and let me tell you a little tale about a little movie called- and set in- Ludlow.

SHANNON LARK: Wud up, Ludlow??

It all started, I suppose, when my short film Taste of Flesh, Taste of Fear was accepted into the 2008 Viscera Film Festival, sponsored by The Chainsaw Mafia. Taste of Flesh, as I'm sure you're well aware, was the short featured in the very first episode of Ghostella's Haunted Tomb. It's the lesbo vampire short featuring 2 Dollar Store Barbie knockoffs and Posh Spice that's so EROTICALLY CHARGED that it's too hot. Too hot, my lady- you've gotta run for shelter…gotta run for shade! Or something like that.

Oh, Kool and the Gang, you provide the soundtrack for my life.

But really, people, feel the heat. That heat is hot!

SHANNON LARK: Taste of Flesh, Taste of Fear is and was simply pure genius. If a filmmaker can make a great film using barbie dolls, then she's gotta blow you away with live action. And she did! I became obsessed with Top Friends. I showed it to my Mom. I showed it to my dog, and he licked himself. That's a good sign!

But I digress! The point is, the merging of Ghostella and Viscera introduced me to actress, director, Chainsaw Mafia CEO, and Fangoria Spooksmodel extraordinaire Shannon Lark because…well, Viscera is her thang. We met face to face in March during the Paranoia Film Festival; the 2007 Viscera selections were screened, including Heidi "Ghostella" Martinuzzi's Wretched, and a grand old time was had by all. Actually, don't hold me to that- I wasn't conducting exit polls or anything.

Trapped aboard the Queen Mary, Shannon and I spent most of the afternoon in the bar, then moved to a restaurant in the evening. During the course of the many hours we spent together, Shannon let fly that she wanted to be in one of my movies. I was dubious, which speaks more to my insecurity than any insincerity on Shannon's part; however, she proceeded to bust out a napkin and write up a contract stating much the same.

You can tell it's official because of all the lawyer-y language, like "This here contract…" and how she ends some words with "-eth".

SHANNON LARK: I told Stacie a story about how a contract written on a napkin can hold up in court. So I whipped it out* over a margarita in a funny looking glass that gave me stomach cramps. I used all the fancy shmancy jargon I could muster, because I wanted to show I was serious. She looked confused. I was ecstatic, because my evil plan of doing a Film Festival so talented female filmmakers would flock around me and put me in their next productions was actually working out. Besides, Stacie Ponder is amazing.

I jumped at the chance to work with her because she kind of fucking ROCKS. She said she'd be back in Los Angeles in April for Fangoria's Weekend of Horrors to fulfill some of her spooksmodel duties…wouldn't that be the perfect time to shoot something?

Why yes…yes, it would. I went home all pumped and proceeded to freak out almost immediately- writing something…on purpose? For someone? I don't tend to work that way. Like with Ghostella, I just write 'em, pretending no one will ever pay attention. Then I fill the roles. Or even writing here at Final Girl…once I start thinking that someone's going to be reading this besides me, I get all nervous. It's like my brain is nude or something, and it's embarrassing to think that people are looking at it…not that my brain has anything to be ashamed of, because it's 100% pure 36-24-36, if you know what I mean...and I think you do…which is good, because I have no idea what the fuck I'm talking about anymore.

SHANNON LARK: Haha! Stacie is totally nude!! Nude for Satan!

Oh, yeah! I was talking about writing a script for someone. Someone who's going to make a special effort to make a film with me. Ugh, nerve-wracking. Step one was to figure out what the eff I was gonna make this movie about. Actually, step one probably involved some Dunkin' Donuts coffee, or maybe some ice cream. Step two was to figure out what the eff I was gonna make this movie about. More on that to come.

Can I just say that my local grocery store AND my local Target have both discontinued carrying mint chocolate chip ice cream? That really does not fucking compute. It's kind of like the Catholic Church discontinuing God.


*Please note, the only thing "whipped out" was a napkin.

Silent Hill 2 be, or not to be?

OMG, see what I did with that post title? It's thisclose to being clever!

Anywhatevers, is reporting that Silent Hill 2 has been scrapped. Or not. For now. Maybe. According to their "source":
...plans for Silent Hill 2 have been cancelled...the film is dead in the water...although the film will not be shooting soon it will still very likely happen.
So...err...not sure what that all means. Maybe simply filming has been postponed because they missed their shooting window? It seems like it's all up in the air. Radha Mitchell may or may not return, blah blah blah. I'd welcome another SH flick, if the script was a wee better than the first. By "wee", I mean "a big wee". I dug the movie and all- the visuals were narf (I think I just made that up...I mean it to be similar to "neat" or "rad" or "boss". Use it in a sentence today!)- but the script was weak with a capital Plug Your Ears. There was a great setup for a sequel in the ending , though, so my fingers are crossed.

In related news, man is a busy-looking website.

In other related news, how come I don't have any sources? I totally want to meet some shadowy figure in a parking lot who'll fill me in with kinda sorta news that's really just page filler. You know: "Platinum Dunes is talking about remaking Rob Zombie's Halloween. There's no writer...or director...or star...or even anything concrete yet, but still." Then I can yell "Whatta scoop!" and high tail it back to my keyboard to bring you all the latest exclusive news. Sigh.

Speaking of Rob Zombie's Halloween, have you seen the trailer for H2? Here it is. Go. Watch.

Back? Alright. Now, I know that despite the childhood romance we shared, my relationship with the original Halloween 2 hasn't exactly been on fire lately. The hospital setting could be mined for gold, though, and for a split second of the H2 trailer it seems as if Zombie might be tapping a vein (which sounds hot). Then...then...a bewigged Sheri Moon-Zombie shows up and...well, my mom taught me that if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all- so I'll let my pal JA at My New Plaid Pants say it for me:
...that is so fucking stupid looking I can barely believe it. I mean, my god. Just. My god.
Wait. My mom never taught me any such thing!

WHAT THE FUCK IS WITH THE WHITE WINGED DOVE WIGGED GHOST MOM? Yes, Rob Zombie, your wife is hot. Yes, it's understandable that you want to put her in your movies. But Michael's mom died in the first film...not to mention that Michael was already a homicidal kookadook in the first film, so having Mrs Myers become some sort of Mrs Voorhees in the sequel is a craptacular idea with a capital FUCKING CRAP. Also not to mention that her violent urgings go against the slim characterization she had in Halloween and in light of the mother-son relationship it makes no sense and arrrrgh white wigggggggghiusafsduva;vKscjd;C.

Umm. Well. I guess we'll just have to wait and see how it all turns out.

Apr 29, 2009

1985 wasn't so bad

So today I was thinking about, you know, like, stuff and stuff, and I was all...hmm. Yeah. "Horror kinda nosedived as the 1980s went on and on." Then I thought about 1985 and I was all, "Well, that wasn't such a bad year." Then I thought about the fact that I used to wear nylon pants in the mid-80s, and how that was a terrible, terrible decision on my part...especially when one considers that I would generally couple said nylon pants with Chuck Taylors and Hawaiian shirts. What the fuck was I thinking?

Anyway, yeah, horror in '85. Some good movies, and a turn toward black comedy. Notable, perhaps. Perhaps not. I guess that's a decision you'll have to make for yourself, consequences be damned. Not unlike opting to pull up some nylon pants.

Return of the Living Dead

This film completely cordoned off a piece of my heart reserved forever and always for Linnea Quigley.


Gordon + Lovecraft + Combs + Crampton are mid-80s Fab Four as far as I'm concerned.


SAKES ALIVE. Why oh why can't I zip around the universe all nude-like, shooting lasers out of my eyes? It's all I want in the world!

Fright Night

Three things always spring to mind when I think of Fright Night: 1) Amanda Bearse's magically-lengthening vampire hair; 2) "Oh, you're so cool, Brewster!"; 3) Chris Sarandon's off-white cable-knit sweater.

The Stuff

I've never seen The Stuff. There, I said it.


This movie makes no sense and it's wicked gross. I fucking love it.

Day of the Dead

Oft-maligned, but I've always dug Day of the Dead. Maybe because it was the first Romero zombie pic I was allowed to see...saw it at the drive-in. Brain chaos ensued. "Yes, sir...fuck you, sir!"

The Company of Wolves

Saw this once upon a time- and when I say "a time", I mean "a horror movie sleepover pizza party time"...meaning, I thought it stunk. Undoubtedly, I need to revisit it.

So...1985. Whatchoo tink?

Apr 27, 2009

when there's no more room in hell, et cetera et cetera

I'm back from an astonishingly amazing week of movie-making in the desert, and readjusting to my boring old life has left me feeling more than a bit like this:

However, if no one shoots me in the forehead, I'll be up and shambling about like normal in no time!

Apr 15, 2009

all work and no play... we all know, makes something something something. That's why I'm excited to have a weekend of delightful horror during Fangoria's...umm...Weekend of Delightful Horror.

Those of you who are able should try to make it; there's lots of goodies in store:

Celebrity scream greats set for Fango’s annual blast include: Sam Raimi, director of EVIL DEAD and SPIDER-MAN trilogies, will preview DRAG ME TO HELL; Clive Barker, creator of HELLRAISER, CANDYMAN, NIGHTBREED and ABARAT, will preview new movies DREAD and BOOK OF BLOOD, plus novel THE SCARLET GOSPELS; Tobe Hooper, director of TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE and POLTERGEIST; Herschell Gordon Lewis, Godfather of Gore and director of BLOOD FEAST, TWO THOUSAND MANIACS!, WIZARD OF GORE and many others; Tom Savini, makeup FX legend from DAWN OF THE DEAD, FRIDAY THE 13TH, MANIAC and many more; and Lloyd Kaufman, Troma president and director of the TOXIC AVENGER films.

Also, scary favorites not to be missed include: Ron Perlman, HELLBOY and BEAUTY & THE BEAST star who’s featured in the new MUTANT CHRONICLES; Jeffrey Combs, star of RE-ANIMATOR films, FROM BEYOND, THE FRIGHTENERS and STAR TREK; Doug Bradley, HELLRAISER’s Pinhead; Thomas Jane, star of THE MIST, MUTANT CHRONICLES and THE PUNISHER; and Bill Moseley, star of HOUSE OF 1000 CORPSES, THE DEVIL’S REJECTS and TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE 2.

Several star-packed presentations scheduled for the Weekend include:

* Masters of Italian Horror panel: with Ruggero Deodato (CANNIBAL HOLOCAUST), Lamberto Bava (DEMONS) and FX artist/director Sergio Stivaletti (CEMETERY MAN, MOTHER OF TEARS)

* LAID TO REST panel: with writer/director Robert Hall and cast members Bobbi Sue Luther, Thomas Dekker (SARAH CONNOR CHRONICLES), Sean Whalen (PEOPLE UNDER THE STAIRS) and Johnathon Schaech (QUARANTINE)

* BABYSITTER WANTED panel: with KYLE XY’s Matt Dallas and actress Sarah Thompson (ANGEL, 7TH HEAVEN)

*HISSS panel: with cult director Jennifer Lynch and Indian superstar Mallika Sherawat

*THE LAIR panel: with director Fred Olen Ray and stars Peter Stickles and Dylan Vox

A steady stream of top horror directors will join in on the fun including Darren Lynn Bousman (REPO! THE GENETIC OPERA and SAW II-IV), Patrick Lussier (MY BLOODY VALENTINE 3D), John Harrison (of Clive Barker’s BOOK OF BLOOD, TALES FROM THE CRYPT, TALES FROM THE DARKSIDE and DUNE), Simon Hunter (writer/director of MUTANT CHRONICLES), Adam Green, (HATCHET and upcoming FROZEN) and Toby Wilkins (THE GRUDGE III and SPLINTER).

Three special horror reunions to be highlighted are:

* TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE movies reunion: the cast & crew of the first two films reunite, including Marilyn Burns (“Sally”), Caroline Williams (“Stretch”) and Bill Johnson (“Leatherface”)

* CHRISTMAS EVIL reunion with writer/director Lewis Jackson and star Brandon Maggart

*STANLEY reunion with exploitation director William Grefé (MAKO: THE JAWS OF DEATH and IMPULSE) and screenwriter/actor Gary Crutcher

Other fright stars appearing include: Brad Dourif, star of CHILD’S PLAY movies, HALLOWEEN, LORD OF THE RINGS and many more; Ashley Laurence, actress from HELLRAISER films; Adrienne King, star of original FRIDAY THE 13TH; Jordan Ladd, actress from CABIN FEVER, HOSTEL II, DEATH PROOF and GRACE; Sybil Danning, legendary femme fatale from HOWLING II, REFORM SCHOOL GIRLS, CHAINED HEAT and Rob Zombie’s HALLOWEEN; and Tiffany Shepis, scream queen from NIGHTMARE MAN, THE HAZING and NIGHT OF THE DEMONS remake.

I'm not sure what I'm most excited about. The Masters of Italian Horror panel? Sam Raimi? The Martyrs screening on Friday night? Adrienne King?

Much goodness to be had. Be sure to keep an eye peeled for me: I'll be the one in the black t-shirt!


What up, peeps? Big apols for being so remiss in my blogging duties. I fear the next week or two will be light as well, for I am balls deep (metaphorically, I swear) in prepping for the shooting of a short film. WOW, it's true! It's been occupying 99% of my time; I've only come up for air to watch DVRed episodes of America's Next Top Model (I'm so team Fo, despite the fact that she calls herself "Fo") and yes, Harper's Island, which debuted last week on CBS. If you're a horror fan, I suggest checking it out- it's not, you know, overly frightening or gory - this is CBfriggingS- but it's an intriguing murder mystery following the slasher formula. Click that link to find out more and watch the premiere; characters will be killed off every week, so you don't want to get too far behind. Besides, all the cool kids are watching it and you DO want to be a cool kid, don't you? Smoking is no longer enough!

Though I may be MIA next week, my AMC columns will still go up on Wednesdays, so don't fret. This week, my excitement over the DVD release of Slaughter High has prompted me to yak about a few slasher flicks I like. Omigawd, I know- it's like, so what else is new, right? Haw haw.

By the way, you should watch Slaughter High now that it's readily available. You won't be sorry! Unless, of course, you're a jerk.

Speaking of not jerks, check this out: mi amigo Wes Fierce (of the highly way awesomer than FG site Horror Film Magazine) had a bee in his creative bonnet and subsequently sent me this:

Yes folks, that's a one-sheet for EsKILLator, which you surely recognize as one of the fifty horror films I'd like to see. Actually, it's number one on the list!

The cast list is certainly inspired- Sid Haig and Tricia Helfer...that's a team up the world has been waiting for. One of you start an online petition and let's get some funding for this puppy!

Apr 8, 2009

In space, no one can hear you something something...

AMC this week is all about space-bound sequels and how I think they're, like, awesome and stuff. Just think, without space-bound sequels, we may never have had this image preserved for all time:

I'm glad someone is thinking of the children!

Apr 7, 2009

choices, choices

Have you ever changed your mind about a movie upon repeat viewings? Sometimes something you once loved loses its luster- for example, Caveman (starring Ringo Starr as...a...caveman) simply isn't as great as it was when I was nine. Actually, that's putting it mildly- that movie is such a black hole that admitting (if only to myself and the seven of you reading this) that as a child, I loved it, makes me question all of my opinions regarding everything. I could be wrong about so many things! Like, maybe The Texas Chain Saw Massacre actually blows. Or maybe my hat was never in fashion. Or maybe I don't know why the caged bird sings. Perhaps my world view is backwards!

The upside to this is that sometimes a movie is better than your first viewing belied. The first time I saw Session 9, I thought it was alright. The second time I gave it a shot, though, I asked it to marry I'm certainly glad I gave it another go.

This is all a big, long, boring way for me to introduce the next Film Club choice: Amityville II: The Possession (1982). Once upon a time, I tried to watch it but I just couldn't get into it. I fully admit that this may be due to the fact that it stars Burt Young and I have a high aversion to Mr Young, who may be a perfectly fine gentleman in real life but I can't quite stand his stinky, greasy, sweaty, dirty onscreen persona. Plenty of horror fans have gone to bat for Amityville II, both here and elsewhere around The Information Superhighway, that I'm thinking the film may warrant another look. While I'm willing to deal with some Burt Young, however, I'm not going to do it alone...thus, let's welcome Amityville II into our collective Film Club Bosoms, yes? Yes!

Here's the link for all you Netflix enthusiasts. Or- check this- you can totally watch it on Hulu for free*. In other words, no excuses, people!

So, let's join cyber-hands together and turn our faces to the sun in the hopes that Amityville II: The Possession is indeed an underrated gem. Let us hope that when all is said and done, we've watched some good horror and I've learned a valuable lesson: that you can't judge a book by its Burt Young, or you can't judge a Burt Young by its cover, or something. None of that really makes sense, but you know what I mean.

The movie: Amityville II: The Possession
The due date: Monday, May 11

*I learned that Hulu has free horror movies from Sam Hawken, an FG reader who started his own Film Club revolving around said free offerings. Free-n-legal is awesome!

Apr 6, 2009


I started writing...well, rants, or something, I guess, about how everyone is always cynical and cranky and no one seems to actually enjoy movies much anymore, even though more people than ever are making their voices heard and how that sucks and of course I realize that I myself have cranked out more times than you could count on, like, thirty hands but today my throat hurts and I'm suffering from a case of toomuchinternetitis, which means I should go smell some flowers or something and come back later when the negativity doesn't seem so tiresome.

In other words, maybe it's time for another one of these.

For now, though, I'm just going to draw your attention to a movie I'm really looking forward to: Walking Distance.

I can't seem to find any embeddable trailers, but check them out at other websites...I know, clicking sucks, but they're worth it:

Walking Distance: Black
Walking Distance: Red

I'm terribly intrigued. I have no idea what's going on, but I want to find out. Wow, mission accomplished, trailers! Adrienne King (Adrienne King!)! Reggie Bannister! Debbie Rochon! Shannon Lark! And did I mention Adrienne King? Those of you attending Fangoria's Weekend of Horrors in Los Angeles should catch the Walking Distance panel on Friday, April 17th. Otherwise, add 'em on MySpace for updates, if you're into that.

Yay, anticipation. I feel better already. Still, smelling flowers seems like a good idea.

Oh, and incidentally, my nightmares are decidedly mint chocolate chip.

Apr 4, 2009

reminderin' time

Just a FRIENDLY reminder that my Fangoria LA ticket giveaway sweepstakes extravaganza ends tomorrow night at 9pm PST. Click here for the deets and enter like you've never entered anything before!

The power of Vicki commands you.

Apr 3, 2009

a call to arms!

I got an email from my ol' pal Scott Weinberg regarding the fact that Time Warner Cable has dropped FEARnet from their lineup, meaning that TWC subscribers no longer have insta-access to various horror movies. Not cool, amIright? I am. Read this to get the skinny...then call 1-877-FEAR-247 and tell the jerks in charge that you won't stand for this malarkey!

On second thought, maybe you shouldn't call them jerks. I think it's fine to use "malarkey", though. Godspeed, TWC subscribers! This doesn't affect me as I use DISH Network and I don't have FEARnet to begin with; While I think my "If I can't have you, NO ONE WILL!!" attitude works great in relationships, I think everyone should have access to horror movies, even if the choices include Snoop Dogg's Hood of Horrors. Make your voices heard!

In the Hey, I Like This Poster Better Than The US Version, Although I Must Admit It's Ripping Off The Poster For A L'Interieur department, comes this Japanese poster for The Broken, one of the After Dark 8 Films to Die For, in stores now now now!

"Eww, dude, you're totally leaking on me"

Also, this week at AMC I wrote a piece about Peter Cushing and Christopher Lee, which you can, like, totally read. Huzzah, hooray, ahoy!