FINAL GIRL explores the slasher flicks of the '70s and '80s...and all the other horror movies I feel like talking about, too. This is life on the EDGE, so beware yon spoilers!

Feb 9, 2007


Who loves The Internet?

Answer: we ALL do. Today at Final Girl I'd like to give you a peek behind the magical, pixelated curtain of The Internet in a game I like to call These Are Some Google Search Terms People Have Typed In And Subsequently Found Their Way To Final Girl. Yes, I'm aware that it's an awfully awkward title and I promise I'm working on that.

Given that this is a horror-themed blog, you'd think that people would find me after typing in something like "Laurie Strode" or "My Bloody Valentine", and yes, occasionally that happens. More often than not, though, people type in some weird-ass shit and somehow end up here at the pristine, sweet, sugar and spice and everything nice Final Girl. Here's a big fat crop of my favorites, exactly as they were entered into Google:

scary things (a guy takes his coat and leaves and something pops up)

-My, that would be scary! It's even scarier if you type it like this: "something" pops up.

naaaaaked women

-Yes, with 5 letter As. When you say that out loud, you have to rub your hands together menacingly at the same time.

the girl was restrained and forced fat on her

-I'm...confused. Did a fat person sit on the restrained girl, or did they make her eat fat, or...did they, like, put fat on her head...?

mom hiding spot for a dildo

-NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO times 5874896362148533545632563226.

If I misunderstood your intent and you're considering using your mom as a hiding spot for a dildo, add 23 to the above number.

how to frig a girl

-If you're calling it "frig", chances are you'll never have the opportunity to use any info you might learn.

gimme that big ass girl

-Is this a rap song?

waylon flowers and madame

-I'm so fucking proud of that one.

George Clooney tighty whiteys

-This one has Harlequin reader written all over it.

fannys big holes

-This one is interesting because the meaning changes drastically depending on the punctuation. Consider: "fannys; big holes" vs "fanny's big holes"

does Holly Slattery smell of poo poo?

-I'd think you wouldn't have to ask.

Courtney Thorne-Smith flogging movies

-This is the high water mark of my blogging career. I'm sorry, but if someone types in "Courtney Thorne-Smith flogging movies" and the results have anything to do with me, I feel my work on this planet is complete.

I'm not kidding.

shirley maclaine masturbates

-JESUS FUCKING LOUISEUS. Yes, I'm sure she does, has, or will and why the fuck do you want to know about it??

girls having six with animals

-Phew! Almost thought they meant something else.

As far as I'm concerned, girls can have six with animals all they want. Having four or five is another matter entirely, however.

There you go, a wonderful look at the human psyche. What surprises me almost more than any of those search terms is the fact that there are still many many many people searching for Shannon Tweed info every single day. Of course, I realize that the world don't move to the beat of just one drum.

Now did YOU find me? Really, I'd like to know, especially from people who found Final Girl and keep coming back. The Internet is such massive monstrosity, it still blows me away that anyone's found me at all. So what's your story? And all you lurkers, de-lurk for a moment and chime in, I won't bite.

I save all my flogging for Courtney Thorne-Smith, anyway.


Anonymous said...

I think I stumbled onto you from a link from Dark, But Shining, which linked to one of your marathon horror franchise viewings. I think the first one I read was the Friday the 13th one, but I could be mistaken. At any rate, I got a huge kick out of it and have been here ever since.

Anonymous said...

Man. I have no idea. Having small children running around has battered my formerly formidable memory. Or perhaps merely displaced it onto the lyrics of Bob the Builder's cover of "Mambo No. 5."

That wasn't a joke, incidentally.

I think I stumbled upon the sexy reanimated corpse of "Final Girl" sometime in April of last year, based on my flipping back through the archives. I think the earliest stuff I remember was your Silent Hill "nerdgasm" and the whole Visiting Hours fiesta.

How I got here? I can't say. I'm like that amnesiac who wanders into town at the beginning of the flick. So that means either eventually, I have to kill all the bad guys on behalf of you townsfolk or I'm the one decent person and y'all will rend and eat my flesh. Either way, I'm cool with it.

That said, while Béla Lugosi only knows why I came here, I can tell you why I stay. It's not because I'm a huge horror aficionado (though I like it fine), but because La Stace is a genuinely gifted writer and frickin' hilarious. And I need more good writing and fun people in my life.

So, although this was a troll for interesting stories on your part, Stacie, let me turn it into a cringe-inducing compliment. You're really, really good at this and you've given me a lot of entertainment. Thanks. I owe you many hours of fun. How I can repay, I have no freakin' clue. But if I'm ever in the mid-Buckeye region, I'm buyin' the coffee.

Oh, ok, you want an interesting story? Appropriate for a horror site? How about this one? Spooky, eh? Ran across that while doing some research for something I'm translating from German...

Anonymous said...

Hrm. I think I found you through another blog. When I discovered bloglines, I started looking for interesting blogs and found a link to you.

Wow. I just checked and I found you right around when you started posting. :)

Also, you had me laughing so hard I started tearing up. I was trying to laugh quietly so I wouldn't wake up my roommate.

Anonymous said...

I found you via another blog's (bubblegumfink) link list. Consequently, how do you find out what search terms people use to find your site?

John Barleycorn said...

I drank my memory away, so I have no idea.

But I think it's funny that my last name brings up your blog. And poo poo. Hmm.

I laughed out loud (I refuse to write "LOL" and mean it) when I read this. I've always been amazed at how many people find my site by looking up conjuctivitis.

Once, someone found my friend's blog by searching for "gifts to buy my good fag brennon."


Anonymous said...

The weirdest google question that led to my website was "how to get rid of squirrels." I laughed and laughed.

I found Final Girl because my old roommate kept telling me about it and had it on his My Yahoo thing.

CRwM said...

I also found you through a link the now (once again) defunct Bubblegum Fink blog.

Unknown said...

It was a quiet day in January of 2006, I had just begun my own blogging adventure at $7 Popcorn and was looking for other, similar blogs, mostly so that I could steal ideas...I mean, see what other people were doing and make myself a better blogger (yeah, we'll go with that). So, I was scanning yahoo that fateful day and found Final Girl, along with a couple of other blogs. Yours, however, was the only one that 1) updated and B) was interesting. So, here we are, over a year later, you're still updating, and I'm still reading.

Jesse Hammer said...

I gotta stop reading this site at work. People keep coming into my office wondering why I'm howling with laughter and I have to keep telling them, "Oh, I'm just remembering something funny from last night. You had to be there." They ain't buying it anymore.

I'm also a little ashamed to admit how intrigued I am by by Courtney Thorne-Smith flogging movies.

Heather Santrous said...

I was searching for information on a movie I was wanting to see. I don't remember what movie it was now but anyways a link came up for your blog so I clicked and almost right away saved it to favs list right away. Since then though I have removed it since I can just click on the link I created in my own blog!

Anonymous said...

I got some thingy from yahoo and you were part of my myyahoo page. As I have said before, my day just isn't right without my morning dose of Final Girl. :)

Anonymous said...

I'll give up my lurker status momentarily and just let you know that I found your blog through a piece that Dirk Manning wrote for the comics news site Newsarama. Keep up the great work -- I think you have some of the funniest, most entertaining reviews on the internet.

Pat said...

I found you through Stick-o-vision. Or maybe DW. I don't remember which. All I know is you make me laugh, so I stick around.

Anonymous said...

I found you by way of yahoo! and you are now a part of my yahoo! page. Thanks for bringing laughter into my long dull days at work.

Dusk said...

Boy, that gave me some laughs, just when I sure needed 'em!

insomniac said...

I was looking through popular blogs on blogger, and you popped up. So pat yourself on the back Ms. Popular!

Anonymous said...

I found you while perusing Exclamation Mark’s blogroll; I was bored and hoping to find a really good post involving Waylon Flowers forcing some fat on Courtney Thorne-Smith… I don’t know why; just a little fantasy of mine.

I continue to lurk for the writing.

Stacie Ponder said...

"my good fag Brennon"- that's awesome, especially if you say it in a dodgy old British accent.

Thanks for piping in, everyone, and didn't have to give me all the compliments, but thanks you so much. You're all my best friends EVAR.

Jess, where did I pop up...whaaaa? Cool!

Poor Courtney Thorne-Smith. ARE there Courtney Thorne-Smith flogging movies out there? It makes me sad that after years as I kinda hate her but I kinda love her Alison "God, Billy!" Parker on Melrose Place and after trying to kill Tracey Gold as The Dairy Princess in Midwest Obsession, it makes me sad that Courtney has to take a job that requires the touching of Jim Belushi.

Remember, friends don't let friends force fat on someone.

Stacie Ponder said...

Oh, and Shawn- see that "site meter" to the right? If you slap one of those on your blog, you'll get a hit counter. You can see where people come from as well- I can see entered search terms through that.

Anonymous said...

I found you through Restless Youth. No day is complete without Final Girl. Your blog is one of the best out there, if not the best!!

Anonymous said...

Carnacki at dKos has you on his personal blogroll.

Since dKos started offering that feature I have been slowly checking out the sites listed by diarists I respect.

I'm not into slasher flicks or defenestration or girls having six with animals (that was very funny) but since you are interested in how people find you I thought I'd tell you.

Peace out.

Stacie Ponder said...

Wow, mina, thanks. That's really sweet- you're my new favorite. :D

And thanks, anon., for stopping by and clueing me in even though the subject matter ain't your bag. That carnacki...he's good people.

Anonymous said...

I found you on Nightmare World, right after I read your wonderful stickman/wolfman comic, and I've been hooked ever since.

Geoff Chisholm said...

"the girl was restrained and forced fat on her"
That was "Ilsa: Harem Keeper of the Oil Sheiks", I think...