My dear readers, if there's one thing you're sure to have noticed by perusing Final Girl, it's that I, your humble blogmistress, live life on the edge. Remember, just the other day, when I stayed up late watching Dolls? Or how about that time I watched all the Friday the 13th movies in a day? Uh huh...thought so. I won't even bring up that time I totally became best friends with Margot Kidder. Wait...I just did. You get my point, though, right? See, there's the edge...and then there's me on it.
Anyway, living such a Bold and Beautiful life, one is sure to have some missteps along the way...but they're just that- mere missteps. I have no regrets. No regrets, I tells ya! The unfortunate "Mental Patient Chic" haircut I gave myself? Pfft- whatevs. It grew out OK. Shaving off my eyebrows? Bitch, please...the act simply made me an alluring 7th-grader. Missteps! No regrets! This, of course, doesn't mean I don't ever question myself. Surely, from time to time, we've all paused for a moment to reflect, only to ask ourselves "What, exactly, do I suppose I was thinking there when I did that thing?" You know, like "Was I really masturbating to a photo of Phyllis Diller last night?"
Please note, I have NEVER masturbated to a photo of Phyllis Diller. There was that one crazy summer back in '89 wherein I spent alot of time with that Cloris Leachman publicity photo, but I was all gorked out on Bartles and Jaymes Strawberry-Kiwi for 3 months straight and thus I can't be held accountable.
Where was I? Ah, yes- what was I thinking there when I did that thing? That's exactly the thought I have sometimes when I look at my DVDs and spot the Leprechaun Pot of Gore Collection upon the shelf. It's odd, but I distinctly remember spending a very long time in the 'horror' section at Virgin Megastore, desperately seeking this box set. It wasn't to be found anywhere in the vicinity, and I was terribly disappointed by its absence. I stood, for a moment, by the registers, wondering what to do next...then I spotted it on a shelf with other random collections. I brought home the Leprechaun Pot of Gore Collection and oh, how happy I was. Why? Who can say, exactly. I'm mercurial. I'm like the wind. Sure, these Leprechaun movies are good for a laugh, but do I need to OWN 5 of them? Umm...
I think we're all in agreement here when we say there's only one Leprechaun movie really worth owning, and that's Leprechaun 4: In Space. Sorry, kids- Leprechaun in the Hood is a big disappointment, despite the appearance of Ice-T. But send that ugly little green fucker into space and I'm all over it like white, brown, and long grain-n-wild on rice.
The plot of Leprechaun 4 is quite simple. A motley crew of space marines (including The Poor Man's Frank Stallone, Debbe Dunning of television's Home Improvement, and the dude from Friday the 13th Part V who played Reggie the Reckless's brother- remember, he and his jheri curl were terrorized whilst in the outhouse by Roy the Paramedic posing as Jason) fly their bad-CGI spaceship to a bad-CGI planet on a search and destroy mission. Meanwhile, the titular Leprechaun (Warwick Davis) is on said planet using his vast riches to convince a Space Princess (we know she's a Space Princess right off the bat because she's got glitter on her forehead) to marry him. You see, despite all his gold, bad skin, and stripey socks, the Leprechaun lacks the one thing he so desperately desires: R-E-S-P-E-C-T. If he marries the Space Princess, then one day he'll be king, and the Space Subjects will worship him. Eventually, Space Marines and Leprechaun meet and fight in a Space Cave- Leppy ends up throwing himself on a grenade to save the Space Princess, and the Space Marines take the Space Princess back to their bad-CGI ship.
And that's just the beginning! I know, you're thinking "That sounds like some awesome Space Action! How can the movie continue from there? Especially if Leppy has been exploded?" Well, my friends, there's much more. Leppy comes back right quick, birthed (fully grown) from a Space Marine's penis. Yeah...it's a long story. There's lots more Space Action as Leppy battles the Space Marines in order to retrieve his beloved Space Princess Fiancee. That's pretty much the story in a nutshell, but there's more than a few parts of this movie that deserve more attention. Allow me to enlighten you.
First of all, there's no extras on this DVD, save the trailer. This is a bummer- I'd really really like some commentary from the director (Mark Jones) and/or the writer (Dennis Pratt), if only to hear what they've got to say about things like these:
What's that blue thing on the left do? Very scientific! Sometimes I just can't tell how much of the badness of this movie is intentional. For example (and speaking of 'scientific'), in one sequence we've got Dr. Reeves (Jessica Collins) furiously pressing keys on her Space Age computerized thing while she talks to a Space Marine:
Her clipboard computer is bleeping and booping while she uses it, and you're thinking "Wow! What cool Super Space Computers we'll have in the future!"...then she turns and:
It's a calculator. A very small calculator. Is that intentional, or just a bad prop? I have no idea. The actors play this movie really straight, and the humor that's very obviously intentional is just terrible- so when something so small like the Super Space Calculator comes along, I'm baffled. I'm delighted, but baffled.
The best part of Leprechaun 4: In Space is, without a doubt, the end. Leppy has killed off most of the Space Marines, and he's in the cargo bay ready to hop into a shuttle to abscond with his gold and the Space Princess. The remaining heroes zap Leppy with a special ray that enlarges him to Godzilla-esque proportions:
Flee, Space Heroes! Flee they do, and soon enough they open the airlock whereupon Leppy is sucked out into space...
...then he explodes. Our Space Heroes look out the window as huge chunks of Leppy float around the ship. Leppy's hand floats on by, and then comes one of the greatest moments in the history of ever that just happens to be caught on film:
Leppy ever-so-slowly unfurls his middle finger at the Space Heroes and the movie ends. Orson Welles can shove Rosebud you-know-where. Leonardo DiCaprio can take his "king of the world" bit right smack into that iceberg, and quite frankly, It's a Wonderful Life, I don't give a fuck how angels get their wings. An oversized Leprechaun hand flipping the bird in outer space is pure cinematic gold! Because of this one scene, the Leprechaun Pot of Gore Collection deserves a spot on my shelf- and if you don't agree, then you're dead to me!