FINAL GIRL explores the slasher flicks of the '70s and '80s...and all the other horror movies I feel like talking about, too. This is life on the EDGE, so beware yon spoilers!

Mar 10, 2006

Put THAT in your stocking!

Bloody-Disgusting has more news on the remake of Black Christmas, including a visit to the film's set in Vancouver.

*ring ring*
"Hello? Yes...a remake? Why on earth would anyone want to--yes. From Buffy? Oh dear. No, I don't think it needs "more gore". Not at all! I can't understand...and who is this "Kyle" you're talking about? I don't remember any "Kyle". Do you mean "Peter", my boyfriend, played by Keir Dullea? I see- "Peter" isn't hip enough of a name nowadays, I suppose.

You say there's going to be more of a backstory for the killer? Now that just seems silly to me. Yes, I understand- everyone wants everything explained to them. Everyone needs their hands held, right? But you see, we knew nothing about the killer in our attic and that made him intriguing...yet you say you want your film to be more about intrigue than shock--yes. Yes I see, but...I'm confused. You're adding more gore and more explanations and you think this will be less shocking and more intriguing? I don't--yes, of course.

If you---oh, why, thank you. Yes, I do have shiny shiny hair."

"Gimme that---now you listen to me, all you pretty little fuckers. So you've got this sweet little thing from fucking Buffy playing my character? "Cool, chill, comic relief"? That's funny, I didn't read the word "drunk" in there anywhere. Why don't you grow some sac and make some interesting characters with a little depth. You know- some that aren't just pretty, pasty faces from TV? Hmm? What?! Yes, I'm on my meds, you fucker.

Listen, my best friend Stacie thought about giving you people a clean slate- for about two seconds, then she snapped out of it. Or rather, I slapped her out of it. That's what best friends are for. She's tired of all the bullshit remakes you bastards are always peddling around because you can't come up with anything new...you know what? Fuck your remakes! I am fed. The fuck. UP! This is the second movie of mine getting remade by you antiseptic motherfuckers- what, was I not interesting enough for you? Hmm? Was I not foxy enough? Yeah, no shit my hair isn't as shiny...yeah, but I was a drunk. And I swore...alot.

Ah, to hell with you bastards. Your movie will come out around Christmas time and everyone will hate it and be all "wah wah wah" about your piece of shit remakes...and then maybe- just maybe- people will go back in time and watch the original. Yeah, see, they'll see Olivia's shiny shiny hair, they'll watch me be drunk, they'll like all the interesting characters and the subplots and the terror and the suspense...they'll feel real fear. And then, instead of saying "Let's have a do-over!", they'll say "Gee, that was some original shit. Why don't I make some original shit?" and they'll make some scary, smart, mature, serious, original shit. See? Fuckers.

Fellatio!"

*click*

12 comments:

Chris Hopper said...

This is one of your best posts. We all wish that was what was really being said. Every Hollywood producer needs to read that and see what true fans think. Unfortunatly, people will still go to see it, and the studios will walk away with fatter pockets. Boycotting films is about the only thing that gets attention these days. Hmm.... I wonder.

Des said...

There was a thing on the morning news (being that I live just outside of Vancouver sort of) on the set of Black Christmas.

It only showed the Christmas tree.

Chadwick H. Saxelid said...

Is it okay to simply not care? I haven't seen Morgan/Wong's remake of Willard (probably won't, despite the presence of both R. Lee Emery and porn queen Ashlyn Gere in the cast) and won't be seeing Black Christmas. This has nothing to do with their being remakes, just movies that I have no interest in seeing.

Haven't seen the original Black Christmas, either.

Stacie Ponder said...

Now Chadwick, don't be silly...of course it's ok not to care.

Horror fans don't necessarily have a greater stake in the genre beyond their own likes or dislikes- meaning, if you like Jason movies, you don't need to care about the state of the genre/industry as well.

It just so happens that I do, and I really feel the horror industry is becoming anemic with all the remakes- they're stale, they're clean, and they're getting paler by the minute. Eventually the bubble will burst and we'll start at zero again- I hope.

It's fine to not have any interest in certain upcoming movies, as well- you like what you like, you want to see what you want to see. Nothing wrong with that. Black Christmas is a favorite of mine, though, and I'm not looking forward to a remake that will most likely pale in comparison. Some people don't care a whit about remakes, and I try not to- sometimes it turns out well, like the Dawn of the Dead "remake", which I quite enjoyed. I'm getting mighty tired of new filmmakers raping the works of filmmakers who have come before them, and I don't understand why there's so little originality in horror today. Mainstream horror, anyway. Where's the next generation of Carpenter, Hooper, Romero, Cunningham, Cronenberg, and Craven?

And thanks, Chris- I'm always looking for new and interesting ways to be cranky when my panties get in a twist!

Anonymous said...

Hey Stacie,

I enjoy your site and articles. For some reason the feed from feed burner isn't working to my yahoo.

Just thought you'd like to know and thanks for all the great stuff you write about. I hope you never stop.

B.A. Slattery said...

What's up with Netflix not having Black Christmas? Am I retarded? Am I misspelling Christmas?

Anyway, you make several good points about the horror industry. Most of the time, I wish I didn't care about the money-making machine it is; that way, I could enjoy the films for what they are and forget about the implications. But contemporary horror filmmakers appear afraid to engage in social issues. No, we've got The Hills Have Eyes remake dealing with nuclear proliferation ... a big problem in the 70's, a big ignored topic (for reasons) in the 00's.

Torture in Amersterdam doesn't mean you're making a point. And unfortunately - in regards to your comments about the New Horror Directors - I think Aja and Roth are the only two duders up n' running. Honestly I see no others out there. Except Craven continues to remake himself - like with Red Eye - and I think there's still hope for him. Maybe it'll only be as a producer, but at least we've got a producer on our side.

Additionally, I see you've got Undead in your queue. Please, save yourself. Forget about it. I saw it recently, and I've got to say, it's an embarrassment to the genre. I'd rather watch a WB-cast flick than that piece of shit again.

Chris Hopper said...

I, as well, don't care who makes a movie as long as it is good, but the problem is they are not good. These remakes are crap and while I feel Aja has potential I haven't seen anything good from Roth. I have to agree, though, stay away from Undead at any cost. The trailer shows the best scenes from the movie in mysterious context. Brennon is right a WB-cast flick would be much more entertaining.

Steve said...

Brilliant, Stacy, simply brilliant. Not only are they destroying these old movies, but they are killing the genre. The new generation will see these remakes and not even see the original, and as we know, almost always better versions that inspired us all to be and remain horror fans.

Hmmm, guess I should take Undead OFF my Netflix list.....

Chadwick H. Saxelid said...

I dunno, the horror genre remains a solid draw at the box office and DVD retail outlets.

Being "of an age," as our hostess put it, where the hair is going gray and the "Battle of the Bulge" has moved UP to the midsection, I look back on my youth and remember all the doomsayers saying that the Slasher Genre was destroying horror. Or, a few years later, how the dozens and dozens of franchise carbon copy sequels were destroying it.

I think the genre will do quite well for itself in the long run, regardless of the which movies I choose to see. At least the remake craze seems to be cooling down, the original (or sequel) stuff seems to be playing stronger these days. Hopefully Slither and Silent Hill will open stronger than Hills did. Although Hills did quite well considering its competition.

Stacie Ponder said...

Hey anonymous- first of all, thanks! :)

Secondly, I'll try to get that feed problem fixed. The REAL problem is that I have no idea what I'm doing with any of this stuff...I'm learning as I go, which means there's some stuff that's just not gonna work. Hopefully I can figure it out. Thanks for the tip.

Anonymous said...

Hey Stacie,

Anytime I can help. It looks like it is working now...Thank God!!!

I guess I'll have to get an account so I'm no longer anonymous.


Joel

Evol Kween said...

Oh man, I'm slowly reading through your entire blog from it's inception, just a few posts a day to break up the dreariness of my office job, and this particular post is one of the funniest freaking things I've read in a long time! Thanks for the giggle.