FINAL GIRL explores the slasher flicks of the '70s and '80s...and all the other horror movies I feel like talking about, too. This is life on the EDGE, so beware yon spoilers!

Mar 16, 2010

Bloggenaire: Cortez the Killer, Planet of Terror

I'm going to assume that Cortez of Planet of Terror wouldn't be so foolish as to call himself "The Killer" if he really was a killer. I mean, it would be crazy to admit it and thus court police action! Also, it would be chilling.

1) What's the key moment that led you to click that "Start Your Blog" button?

My partner in crime (Complaint Dept.) just decided to do it one day and we started posting away, writing 5 paragraph globs of nonsense about horror films we’d watched and posting whatever random stuff we fancied (said in an English accent). I’m pretty sure we were the only two people reading our posts for like the first 6 months until that all glorious day we received our first comment (yippee!).

2) Please describe your blog in no more than 3 sentences. You must include the words / phrases "morbid", "aesthetic", and "electromagnetic".

For me, I love all things trashy 80’s and exploitation. So that’s my main focus. For Complaint Dept., he loves Italian stuff and sits through way more bad movies than I do. We try to cover the whole spectrum but all in all, we are a totally randomized blog. Oops, that’s four, including this one that’s five.

3) Bearing in mind that opinions are subjective (except mine because I'm always right), do you enjoy movies that are generally considered "bad"? Why or why not?

HELL YES. I am the connoisseur of crap and I love tons of cheese and sleaze-infested shlop. Check out my post regarding my favorite 80’s horror films (shamelessly self-promotes within self-promoting bloggenaire).

4) Did you know that there exists one variety of carnivorous parrot? It's true. They live in the mountains of New Zealand, and they eat the fat surrounding the kidneys of sheep- WHILE THE SHEEP ARE ALIVE. It's horrible.

Good luck asking that polly if they want a cracker. They’d be like ‘Bitch please, I EAT LIVERS FOR BREAKFAST!’

5) What's the one- ONE- horror movie you love so much you want to stick it down your pants?

Hard Rock Zombies (its da troof).

6) Adrienne Barbeau. Discuss.

A true talent. I had the privilege of interviewing the filmmaker of one of her recent works (check out Alice Jacobs is Dead). She’s as amazing a person in real life as onscreen.

7) Why should people bother to read your blog?

Because we say ‘poop’ a lot and phrases like ‘ding dongery’.

8) Where does Jigsaw get all the money he needs to build all those traps and buy all that warehouse space? Better yet, does he have some sort of engineering background? He must, right, if he designs all that crap?

He’s clearly a trust fund baby who spent his formative years playing with Lincoln Logs. He then moved on to basket weaving in college.

9) Several theories regarding the reasons why people would subject themselves to watching horror films (when they're so, you know, traumatic) exist. Which is closest in line with your feelings on and reactions to the genre? Feel free to elaborate. Or don't, see if I care.

a) RELIEF THEORY: The unpleasant feelings of distress cause more stimulating feelings of relief when the unpleasantness passes- the stressed arousal caused by fear becomes pleasurable arousal later on.
b) CONTINUOUS REWARD: The excitement felt during the film is the appeal in and of itself.
1) Stereotypical gender roles are reinforced: men act as protectors, women need protection.
2) Violating social norms- watching "deviant" entertainment- is exciting.
3) Experiencing heightened emotions with others makes us feel like we "belong" and we're truly part of a group.

Some of these I can align myself with but its those movies that last long with you AFTER the credits roll. You know, the ones that you think about for days on end. So not always does the relief pass. And I love watching films with people whom I think would get creeped out by something that I watched. Validation can be important sometimes.

10) Which year produced better horror movies: 1977 or 1981? Why?

1981: Halloween II, An American Werewolf in London, Dead and Buried (totally underappreciated) and The Burning. ‘Nuff said.

When he's not killing or "killing", Cortez enjoys developing photographs.

11) What the eff is up with those French and their crazy horror flicks?

Jesus. You're telling me. I think its something in the water or some sort of cultural revolution or something. They are also putting out some of the best heavy metal these days, IMO.

12) What's your favorite Animals Run Amok movie?

Jurassic Park.

13) If Jason Voorhees is on a train heading east at 80mph and Leatherface is on a train heading west at 65mph…why the hell would anyone ever watch Rob Zombie's Halloween?

True. But my partner in crime still swears by it. I thought it was terrible.

14) What are your funereal wishes?

A nice eulogy from a family member or friend. And Slayer’s "Reign in Blood". You know, to spice things up a bit.

15) Why do I have such a fondness for Shelley Hack? It's not like she's really done much to deserve it, but there it is.

We all have our things. Tom Atkins is my man.

16) You're on a sinking ghost ship that's being piloted by a witch. What are your last words?

Bitch, why can’t you fly this shit?

17) Asking about your funereal wishes and your last words means nothing, I swear.

At least you haven’t asked me what my favorite color is.

18) Do you know where I can get some lye?

19) Weren't you glad when THAT JERK in THAT HORROR MOVIE got what was coming to him?

That fucker Teddy deserved it in Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter. I don’t care what anyone says. What a douche.

20) Overall, what’s your favorite era of horror films?

80’s followed closely by the 70’s.

21) Would you rather be:

1) a vampire
2) a witch/warlock
3) a werewolf
4) a Frankenstein (and yes, I know technically it’s “Frankenstein’s monster” but “a Frankenstein” sounds better)
5) a Jaws

Vampire. Solely for the reason that they can just look at a girl and bag her. I’d also be the first vampire to invent synthetic beer that provides the same bodily sustenance as blood. That True Blood ain’t got shit on me.

22) If you could turn back time- if you could find a way- would you take back those words that hurt me, so I’d stay?

If I could reach the stars, I’d give them all to you.

23) What's something you want people to know about you or your blog that I didn't ask?

We love indie horror and support indie filmmakers mucho. We typically try and spotlight indie horror films and directors at least once a month.


Big thanks to Cortez the Killer! Stay tuned for another exciting episode of...THE BLOGGENAIRES!


Bryce Wilson said...

Cortez is indeed the man.

deadlydolls said...

Huzzah to Cortez! One of my favorite bloggers, both on his site and the support he gives to others. Funny dude with true talent. And great taste. Seriously, Hard Rock Zombies in your pants? That's sure to breed the funnest STD ever!

B-Sol said...

Great blog, one of my favorites for sure.

Unknown said...

Cortez is indeed the man, with a Texas sized blog that shan't be messed with. Great dude.

Matt-suzaka said...

One of the best blogs in da hood. Cortez the Killer is the ManOwar of blogging!

Anonymous said...

I'm blushing. Thanks for the love everyone.

And Matt, I left my loincloth at your house last night.

Chris H said...

Loved this blog even before I found out what a super nice dude Cortez ze Killer is when he's not wearing his death mask.

Right good readin' (said with the accent of a stoic Texan)!!!

I Like Horror Movies said...

Very nice, Cortez my man, but you totally missed all three of the words in question #2 =D

POT > all

B-Movie Becky said...

Teddy was a total douche. All high and shit.