FINAL GIRL explores the slasher flicks of the '70s and '80s...and all the other horror movies I feel like talking about, too. This is life on the EDGE, so beware yon spoilers!

Oct 5, 2005

Day 5- ...but do they go with my shoes?

OK, first to some business. PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: I would be remiss in my duties if I didn't inform all of you that is having a huge sale on horror DVDs right now. I would deserve a flogging if I didn't point you to this page in particular, where you can buy each of the 3 Sleepaway Camp movies for a mere $4.99 each. I love those 3 DVDs as if they were my own little round shiny plastic children with holes in the middle.

Secondly, in the "Why yes, I would jump off the Brooklyn Bridge" department, I'd like to introduce you to a little thing I like to call a "contest". It's the latest craze, right behind the dancing celebrities craze. What's the boo-tay, you ask? The grand prize? The winner of this contest will receive TALES OF TERROR, a 10-pack of movies on 5 DVDs! Gasp! Shock! Awe! That's right. Here's the movies you'll get:

Deep Red, the Hatchet Murders- Dario Argento!
Christmas Evil
Web of the Spider
Circus of Fear- Christopher Lee! Klaus Kinski!
Messiah of Evil
House on the Edge of the Park
Die, Sister, Die!
Lady Frankenstein
The Werewolf and the Vampire Woman
Sisters of Death

WOW! That's alotta movies. What do you have to do to win? Just send me an email, telling me who's your favorite "final girl" and why. That's all. Doesn't need to be elaborate. It could be a haiku, even. Send your entry to by 11:59pmEST, Sunday, October 9 and put "Final Girl" in the subject line. I'll pick a winnah and send something to 2nd place, too, probably, because that's just how I am. I live to give. Prizes, that is.

Now, I know what you're thinking- "Oh, Stacie is just so kind and generous and awesome, and I really wish she were my best friend. BUT...I bet all this has merely been a ruse to distract us from the fact that she copped out and didn't watch a movie today.". How could you think that, dear reader? First of all, to think that I would use bribery...that I would use bright, shiny objects to distract you from my slackerness (I made that up, I think)...well, frankly that just hurts. But I forgive you. 'Tis a cynical age in which we live, my friends. Rest assured, though, there are no ulterior motives here. I took that bumper sticker's advice, you see, and I am merely practicing random acts of kindness and senseless beauty with my PSA and contest. Magic is afoot! My other car is a broom! Let me tell you about my grandchildren...

In other words, I did watch a movie today. But first, a reflection...a little insight...

I love horror anthology movies. Trilogy of Terror? Hell, yes. I's Karen Black, come on. Creepshow? Of course. I won't even mention Adrienne Barbeau, though her bits are my favorite. By "bits", I mean "scenes"...sheesh. Man, I even liked Creepshow 2. The House That Dripped Blood, Cat's Eye...I could go on. Maybe it's the strong EC Comics vibe from these movies, who can say. But there's something...I don't know...comforting about them somehow. They remind me of Saturday afternoons and Creature Double Feature. I'll admit, though, you usually only get one (or two, if you're very lucky) above-average story out of the entire thing.

So, it was with great pleasure today that I popped the 1993 John Carpenter/Tobe Hooper flick Body Bags into the VCR. Carpenter himself stars in the pretty dreadful wraparound story as a ghoulish mortician. I prayed that he was wearing a wig, but I fear he was not.

I mean, he kinda always looks like that.

Regardless, onto the movie. The first story up, directed by Carpenter, is "The Gas Station", wherein a young woman is terrorized by a knife-wielding maniac at some place...what was it...oh yeah- a gas station. It's really a sub-par effort, especially considering Carpenter's experience with the subject matter. It's notable, though, for cameos by horror directors Wes Craven and Sam Raimi...and the shout-outs to Haddonfield, the fictional Illinois town where Carpenter's Halloween takes place.

The second body bag contains the humorous, grotesque story "Hair", starring the always likable Stacy Keach as a man so distraught about his thinning hair that he undergoes a radical treatment that gives him...dare I say results. Oh, stop! Oh, my sides. Also featured in this segment are Debbie Harry (I heart Debbie Harry) and Sheena Easton. Yes, she of the Sugar Walls.

Last but not least, we come to Tobe Hooper's directorial contribution to the movie, "Eye". By far the most gruesome story of the three, and also the strongest, "Eye" features Mark Hamill (yay) as a baseball player who loses an eye in a car accident. After he undergoes eye transplant surgery, all is well...until he begins to have horrible visions and murderous tendencies. You see, his new eye was...a serial killer's eye! And Mark is using this eye to look at his wife, played by Twiggy! What will happen?? Yes-Mark Hamill and Twiggy are married.

Mark Hamill and Twiggy.

So maybe I'm not a good judge of these things, I don't know. I liked it, but then like I said, I never met a horror anthology I didn't like. Plus, it's got Charles Napier, and I fucking love that guy- so much so that I need to swear about it. All in all, I'll give it...6-and-a-half out of 10 John Carpenter hairballs.


Anonymous said...

"Doesn't need to be elaborate. It could be a haiku, even"

Funny you should say that - check out Hollywood Haikus. Your favourite films condensed to 17 syllables!

So, on teh subject of John Carpenter, why do horror directors have to be so bloody inconsistent? For every Halloween or The Fog he gives us a Vampires or a Ghosts Of Mars. Wes Craven's another - Nightmare On Elm Street and Scream vs Swamp Thing and Shocker...

Anonymous said...

Grrr... stoopid html...

Hollywood Haikus (again)

Des said...

Is that Carpenter in Body Bags or him at the wrap party for Ghosts of Mars? You know...before he quit smoking?

Stacie Ponder said...

Maybe these fellas get pigeonholed into a genre they lost passion for years ago- but that's all the audience wants to see from them, so they keep churning it out. Maybe they should be restricted to low budgets. Feh.

I listened to the commentary track for Carpenter's The Thing and it was hilarious- he must have smoked 3 or 4 cartons worth before it was over.

Anonymous said...

The commentary track for Big Trouble In Little China is hilarious. It's basically Kurt Russell and John Carpenter chatting and catching up. "So, how's your son? Oh he's good, he's playing baseball now. Oh, shit, I guess we should mention that we had to do this take twice and it was cold. How's the wife?"

Anonymous said...

Did I ever tell you that I've met both Karen Black AND John Carpenter?!?

Kneel before me now! ;)

I dig Body Bags, the Stacy Keach episode is just hee-larious!

Amanda By Night