FINAL GIRL explores the slasher flicks of the '70s and '80s...and all the other horror movies I feel like talking about, too. This is life on the EDGE, so beware yon spoilers!

Oct 28, 2005

Day 28- Yarrr, Me Gold!

Umm. All right then.

In the last day, the traffic to my little blog has increased by approximately Alot%. I don't know how that happened, or why...does it have something to do with the trip I took through Mississippi last fall? The trip where I...uh..stopped here

and sold my soul to the Devil in return for more blog readers? 10 points to everyone who knows who else stopped at those very same crossroads and sold his soul...yup, I was right there where Robert Johnson met the Devil wayyy back in return for some mad guitar skillz, as these kids today might say. And there ain't even a dang plaque on the site.

Anyway, I'm glad so many people are stopping by here, and a big thanks to anyone who's linked to me or some such. Wicked awes (which is short for "awesome" and shows you how cool I am...I am, really, I swear...). Anyone who wants to talk horror movies, or has any recommendations or whatevs (see? cool.) is fine by me. However, I must give some pointers regarding how to make your stay at Final Girl a pleasant one:

1. If you email me, please don't use any Prince-speak. "U R a cool girl" is a nice sentiment, but R U Prince? See, I assume that if you type like him, then you must dress like him, and this forces me to think about crushed velvet, purple, assless pants and puffy shirts, which does not make me happy.

2. Emails asking if I've ever been naked, if I'm naked right now, or if I have any intention of possibly being naked at some point in the future are most UNwelcome. Please don't make me Hulk-out about this, because I may crush my mouse as I click the "delete" button. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry, and I'm not in the mood to spend money on a new mouse. And besides, I could look like Bea Arthur for all you know. I could be Bea Arthur, even. Except that I'm not.

3. If you like my blog, I urge you to check out the other horror-related blogs in the links to the right. They kick my ass all the time.

That's all. Now, onward...

Typing out all that stuff has allowed me to put off the inevitable...talking about today's movie, the 2003 blecchfest Miner's Massacre.

Sweet merciful crap, what a bad movie. Damn that Karen Black for being in it! I really have to stop assuming a movie will be OK because someone I like is listed on the box.

I had a sinking feeling about this one when the title came on the screen:

A computer animated pickaxe busts through a computer animated wall...what am I, Lara Croft? Should I pick up my controller? Cheese-o-rama. Cheesy can be good, as we all know, so there was a part of me that was hoping this would be added to the bad-but-I-love-it pantheon. But alas, it was just...bad.

The movie begins with a skeleton lying on a dirt floor somewhere...behind the skeleton is a table with 6 lit candles atop 6 skulls. Yikes! There's a pentagram on the wall! What will happen? I'll tell you what happens: suddenly some stuff flies through the air and lands on the skeleton. I couldn't tell if it was glitter, sparks, gold dust, or Rice Krispies, but whatever. The skeleton then fleshed out, was re-animated, and comes the evil 49er! He seemed very angry about something.

Cue the young folks that will get killed in the movie. I ask you, is there a problem these days with having characters that are interesting and likable in horror movies? To make it so we care when people get killed? Wouldn't that make for a more satisfying horror experience? I understand the "need" for that one jerky character whose death makes the audience happy- he sure gets what's coming to him! But why must ALL characters be jerks? It's always a group of "friends" who can't seem to stand each other, fighting and yelling, and I wonder why they hang out together at all. Here we've got the greedy yuppie, the bitch who hates the country, her stupid boyfriend, the couple with matching his-n-her frosted blonde tips...just the usual horror movie fodder.

The kids all set out for a long-abandoned mine in a ghost town because someone's brother found gold in them thar hills, so they're all going to cash in and be rich. "Ooh", you're thinking. "Abandoned mine...ghost scary!". Guess again. There's no atmosphere whatsoever. The scariest thing in this movie is...umm...well, there's nothing scary in it. Everyone heads into the mine, where they find boxes full of gold. Gold well as gold chains and soup tureens. What, no crowns bedazzled with rubies? Gold chains? What, did they find Mr. T's secret stash or something? No, it's not his stuff- it belongs to the eeeeevil miner, who will come back from the dead and kill anyone who messes with it. Of course, the kids don't find this out until they start dying off. The curse is explained to us by Karen Black who seems to be channeling a coked-up version of Piper Laurie in Carrie. I loves me some Karen Black. Then there's a flashback featuring Jeff Conaway of Taxi.

I repeat: there's a flashback featuring Jeff Conaway of Taxi.

It seems the miner was a real bad dude when he was alive, a-rapin' and a-pillagin' and a-murderin' and a-claim jumpin'. After being shot up by an angry posse, the miner curses his gold and jumps into the mine, followed by some CGI black wispy things.

The only way to kill the miner, it seems, is to set him on fire. Because...umm...Hell is made of fire and that's where he's from or is supposed to go or something. Anyway, Lord and Lady Clairol blow up the mine and the miner and that's that. Or is it...?

This flick was pretty lame. It lacks that Special Something that would've made it fun, and it certainly doesn't even reside in the same county as "scary". I give it 2 out of 10 brass knuckles. If you want to watch a movie about someone with a gross face who'll kill to get is gold back, watch Leprechaun. If you want to see a Miner 49er in action, watch this because it's scarier than Miner's Massacre:

Shocktober is winding down now, and while I'll post a movie-a-day until the 31st, tomorrow is really my big finale. I'll be having another Marathon of Madness, this time watching all the Halloween movies in a day. Check back throughout the day for updates!


The Avante Guardian said...

It's moi of course. I'm completely responsible for all your new traffic. As I just tuned in yesterday, and presto your traffic went up!

See where-ever I go, a mass of people abound about. Strange thing is I didn't even tell anyone I'd visited your site. Oh well. I'm THAT good.

Alright, stop laughing at me.

or it might have had to do with how I found you. I just signed up for My Yahoo and your blog was on the +My Yahoo (add 2 My Yahoo)selection page.

And I thought, why not, looks like fun. and did. and I was right, you are.


So take your pick, it's either cause I have super magical abilities or because you made Yahoo's suggs list.

Either way, I enjoy your text, yes, I wouldn't be adverse to seeing you nekked, but I read you tended to frown upon that sort of commentary so instead I shall say that I also enjoy your mind.

re: Suggestions.

If you haven't yet (and forgive me if I'm being redundant, as I have a bit of catching up to do on the entirety of your snarfy blog as yet)

..but a cursory glance at the previous entries leads me to this sugg: for B Horror movie fun, I'd sugg checking out Re-Animator, From Beyond and The Creeps (the latter with 3D TV Glasses for that added disturbing field sequential touch - tho you might want to hack together your own pair since they charge more for the expletive glasses than they do for The Creeps movie!)

Anyway, IIRC they're Empire or Full Moon or Wizard Entertainment, or whatever Mr. Charles Band is presently calling his latest B movie studio endeavor.

More to the point, they're all fun (imo) in a psychotic Troma sort of way.

Would also sugg: Andy Warhol's Frankenstein and ditto's Dracula, I found them both sick and cheap but in an not-ready--for-prime-time-Hammer-films-with- even-less-of-a-budget-and-really-bad-actors-yet-quite-a-bit-of-disturbing-solid-atmosphere-that-stays-with-you-even-after-you-shower sort of way.

Bordering on the commercial, I'd sugg Carpenter's In The Mouth of Madness and Clive Barker's Night Breed as 2 lesser heralded/known/remembered horrors that were better than their rep.

And if I may, a Warning: I would definately suggest staying as far away as possible from the likes of Cannibal Ferox (thoroughly disgusting) and Fiend a film that was so excruciatingly dull that 35 odd minutes in my mates and I killed the sound and MST3K'ed it while viewing it.

Michael Xavier Maelstrom

Stacie Ponder said...

Maybe with your magical abilities, I should have you hang around my wallet to increase the flow of cash to it!

You've got some great recommendations there, too- I haven't watched those Lovecraft movies in ages. I love In the Mouth of Madness, though I prefer to call it what my friend mistakenly did: Mouthful of Madness.

Charles Bad was just here in town hosting a night of movies and talks and the such, and I had to WORK! Grr!

Stacie Ponder said...

^Charles Band^

Stacie Ponder said...

Steven, I know that compulsion. It's led me to see such...umm...fine films as Rumplestiltskin and Jack Frost. You've been warned, man! You're doomed...doooooomed!

Hawt? Yes. Hawt and naked all the time! Blehhhhhhh!

Stacie Ponder said...

OK, thanks California Gold- we get it!