FINAL GIRL explores the slasher flicks of the '70s and '80s...and all the other horror movies I feel like talking about, too. This is life on the EDGE, so beware yon spoilers!

Feb 22, 2010

Wicked Lake: A Haiku

I'd seen it in stores
but had not read about it-
I was curious.

Written by the guy
who wrote Going to Pieces,
it had potential-

-but then, ev'rything
has potential, no matter
who's behind the script.

Still, I put it on
my Brain List of stuff to see
one of these damn days.

(also: Audition)
The opportunity came
this weekend, thanks to

Netflix streaming (thanks
Darren!), quite possibly the
best thing in the world.

Wicked Lake began
in an art class. Art students
are quite annoying

(trust me, I was one)
but this guy Caleb was, like,

Twitchy, affected-
how could I watch this dude for
ninety minutes? Huh?

His family was worse-
like Leatherface's family,
with 60 percent

more retard, more perv,
more ridiculous...yet far
less interesting.

You may find "retard"
to be offensive; sometimes
it's appropriate.

Anyway, a bunch
of lesbian witches or
something head off to

a cabin for some
weekend lesbian antics.
They make out and serve

to tease the hillbillies
at a gas station; they are

save for their overt
sexuality, because
that makes women strong.

Ever notice that?
I've no problem with sexy
female characters,

but when there's nothing
else to them it seems a l'il
silly. And boring.

Anywho, shortly
after the ladies get to
the cabin, Twitchy

and his family
show up to get their rape on,
'cause that's what men do.

Ever notice that?
How in these movies it's a
given that men will

rape a woman just
because? Maybe someday a
horror movie will

examine that- but
Wicked Lake is not that film.
Instead, there's a long

period of time
where there's just the threat of rape,
and it's so boring.

I'm not a fan of
rape in movies, but come on.
Holding these women

captive while pointing
knives at them and threatening
violence makes for a

rather dull time. Shit
or get off the pot, you know?
I was getting sleepy.

Then, The Internet
intervened. Netflix cut out
and the movie stopped.

I thought to myself,
"I could start the film again,
but, I mean, really.

There are better ways
I can spend my time. Better
movies I can watch...

...or even staring
at the wall, that would be much
better than this crap."

And so, I did not
start Wicked Lake up again.
Maybe it would have

gotten good. Maybe,
but I don't really care much.
The first half hour was

miserable, and
life is too damn short. Naked
lesbian witches,

Going to Pieces,
none of it matters if the
movie just plain sucks.


shana said...

ba ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Kmork said...

I don't even know what's going on here, but I really want to insert the word 'retard' into a random conversation tomorrow.

Hannah said...

Haha, I'm sure it really sucks, but why did you have to post those cool-looking pictures with your convincing haikus? I can't help but thinking it looks interesting and wanting to watch it, ever so slightly. You should have posted pictures of the retards.

Cousin Barnabas said...

I think you put more thought into your write-up than the film makers put into their movie.

Andy said...

Wow, Stacie Ponder is the only working poet today that isn't afraid to insert the phrase "shit or get off the pot" in her work. And that's why we love her.

jennifer from pittsburgh said...

only true morons
are offended by 'retard'
no one else notices

Anyway, thanks for the netflix streaming heads up. I've watched some terrible crap over there and now I can skip this one altogether!

Anonymous said...

The witches get their super powers on after being assaulted a bit, with Twitchy getting impaled, gouge in the eye and dangling from the front door-alive.

The girls eat the rapists, including the hillbillies and tear them to pieces. It's a happy ending for lesbian witches everywhere. But was it worth finishing? No, you made the better choice than I.

geoff said...

This haiku-review was *all kinds* of awesome. "I could start the film again, but, I mean, really." That says it all.

Stacie Ponder said...

Hannah, trust me, it's not worth it. The reason I didn't post pictures of the retards is because I couldn't even be bothered to go past page 1 on Google image search! That's how not worth it this movie is.

the jaded viewer said...

Good stuff. I saw this as well and it was skinemax in a bottle...really rednecks are the big bad?

Jason said...

You should really do yourself a favor and watch Audition. If not for yourself then think of the children. And also if you don't watch it, the terrorists win. I'm pretty sure it somehow helps people in Haiti too.