FINAL GIRL explores the slasher flicks of the '70s and '80s...and all the other horror movies I feel like talking about, too. This is life on the EDGE, so beware yon spoilers!

Jan 22, 2010

more navel-gazing

Every once in a while, a wave of camaraderie washes over the blogging community. Someone creates an "award" to give to some peers; a stipulation of accepting the award is that the winner, in turn, must award more blogs, and so on. Essentially, these awards are memes- and yet, the intentions are great it's awfully nice to receive one. It's gratifying when a peer acknowledges your work, to get a "Hey, I read your stuff and I like it". There are several of these awards currently making the blog circuit, and some people have mentioned Final Girl whilst fulfilling their probation award requirements.

I am truly grateful for the shout-outs from Jon and Corey at Evil on Two Legs, Holger at Hammer and Beyond, Dennis at Sergio Leone and the Infield Fly Rule, Jason at Invasion of the B Movies, and Evil Dead Junkie at Things That Don't Suck. You are all kings among bloggers!

Because you did not ask: the model on the "Fantastically Frightening" badge is my friend Melissa Bacelar, who (when she's not posing topless with fake monster hands on The Girls or appearing in B-grade horror movies) does so much good work for homeless dogs in the Los Angeles area by rescuing them, fostering them, and finding homes for them. She's a friend to animals and people who like boobs everywhere.

As I've sort of mentioned, being named as an awardee in internet memes comes at high cost; to accept, one must (among other things) list seven interesting things about oneself. I did the very same once upon a time, which means that I must now think of other interesting things about myself. While "interesting" is in the eye of the beholder...hurm. I doubt any of these qualify, but here goes. On an unrelated side note, this is not me, but I kind of wish it were:

1) Throughout my many years, I have studied French, Spanish, Italian, Latin, and Russian languages. Foreign languages come rather easily to me for whatever reason, and for a time waayyyyy back when I thought I'd somehow incorporate one or more than one of them into some kind of career. What, exactly, I have no clue. I haven't used any of them in any real capacity in forever. However, I was at a bar not-too-recently and somebody introduced me to somebody who happened to be Russian, and then promptly walked away. Flummoxed, I thought this was the perfect time to bust out a few key phrases that I remembered: "I love to speak Russian!" "Grandmother is walking in the park!" "I work in a factory!" "I love to play chess!" This broad was not amused! She glowered and gave me a "Is that what they teach you in American colleges?"...which leads me to "interesting" fact #2:

2) I am terrible at small talk. Really, really bad. No matter the circumstance, the location, the person to whom I'm speaking...I can't do it. Some people have a true gift for it, but I just don't know what to say. I loathe the Point A-to-B-to-C of meeting new people, and those boring questions that seem mandatory- the "Where are you from?"s and the "What do you do?"s. I'd rather jump to Point M and talk about something intriguing. Those boring questions will be answered in due course, so why start with them?

All that said, it's rare that I meet someone who is compatible with this way of thinking. Generally when I meet someone, I stand there thinking of other things, unsure what to say, wanting to bolt (and sometimes, I do just that). That, or I turn them off completely with my rudimentary language skills.

It's all better when I'm a bit drunk. I find myself to be a charming drunk, although I know this is not, in fact, true.


3) Whenever someone does ask what I "do", I am unsure what to say. What do I do? What is my vocation? When I moved to Los Angeles, I was a comic book inker. Now, I am...a writer, I suppose. While I love it, it was never my intention to become one- before Final Girl, I'd written VERY little, nothing for public consumption beyond a play or two. "Writer" doesn't really feel right and it feels weird to label myself such. Though I make movies, I don't fancy myself a filmmaker. I paint and draw and the such, but I wouldn't call myself an artist. So, when someone asks, I get a kind of blank look and say "I...don't...knooooow...." and then kind of relay that I make stuff and I tell them what I make. Meanwhile, they're most likely only being polite and they're looking for the short answer: "I'm an accountant" or something. Maybe I should figure my shit out and work on that. Or not.

4) I'm obsessed with programs and documentaries and books about prison. I don't know why this is, exactly, but at least partially I look at them as research. Should I ever find myself in jail, I'll need to know how to behave, right? I watch things like Lockdown and Lockup and Locksideways and I imagine myself suddenly tossed in the clink. What's the best course of action? Should I keep quiet? No, they'll think I'm bitchy! Should I act...err, "tough"? No one would ever buy that. Will the women's prison be as sexy as Heats both Caged and Chained have led me to believe it will be? I'm at a loss as to what I should do, so I keep watching these shows to help me figure it out.


In related news, I love thinking about hypothetical situations. What would I do in a zombie attack? What would I-- wait, I'm running out of "interesting" facts....

5) I love thinking about hypothetical situations, like what would I do in a zombie attack? A friend once told me this was strange, but I disagree. I mean, who will be prepared in the case of a zombie attack? Me, because I've thought about it. I'd say this is like my own personal version of WWJD? - WWID? - but people might take that as me comparing myself to Jesus or something and maybe they'll get mad.

What would I do if people thought I was comparing myself to Jesus and they got mad? See? There's always some hypothetical situation to think about.

6) This may tie into #3, but...I find that I have few, if any, practical skills whatsoever, which makes finding a "job" a daunting prospect. I am not mechanically inclined, I'm no typist, I have little by way of computer skills, etc etc. It makes me want to go get a degree in air conditioner repair or something equally practical so I'm qualified to do at least one thing. While I wouldn't actually trade this bizarre life of mine, I do, at times, wish I'd set myself on a narrower path early on. You know, "I want to be a lawyer!" so you go to college, intern at a firm, then law school, then you take the L SAT, then you work in a firm, then you retire, then you die. That seems to me much easier than "I don't know what I want to do, "grandmother is walking in the park", I work on a boat, now I'm a dogwalker, now I make comics, I like horror movies, then you die. Not that "easy" and "enjoyable" are necessarily on the same level, of course.

Unless you're talking about your date. Wakka, wakka.

7) Man, this is getting tough. What's interesting about me? I don't know. I get bored while making sandwiches and cutting my fingernails. I haaaaaaaaaaate getting my hair cut (I get bored sitting there and again, I hate small talk) so I do it all too infrequently. There's a part of me that wants to nerd out enough to play D&D, but I've never done it and it will never happen. If I won a zillion dollars, I would probably spend a good 6-8 months doing little but playing videogames. Lately I've been watching more classic movies than I have horror movies (Jean Harlow FTW). I still have a copy of Madonna's Sex book; this age of Girls Gone Wild has rendered it rather quaint (well, it's still trashy, but...). I've never broken a bone or had stitches. Good lord this is boring me now, so I can only imagine what you're going through. I need to get back to horror movies!

Now, I'm supposed to award seven blogs, thus continuing the cycle. So many rules and regulations! Well, "interesting" fact #8 about me is that I'm totally a rebel, and thus I will be breaking this branch of the award tree right here and now. Once again I thank the people who named me, and I apologize if my branch-breaking seems jerkish. "Interesting" fact #9: I'm a jerk!

8 comments:

Kinderscares said...

Congrats on your awards!

I'm also terrible at small talk. Oh, so terrible. I wish more people were willing to leap directly into talking about something interesting!

Shelagh @ KinderScares

spazmo said...

It's neat finding out that you have such varied linguistic interests. That Russian woman at the bar clearly had no idea what a kind, funny, interesting NON-jerky person she was glowering at. Her loss!

Anonymous said...

Ok - #5 - Hypothetical situations. My partner laughs at me because EVERY time we go by a cemetary, I immediately look for the closest house and try to figure out how THEY will survive in a zombie attack. And then I pity them 'cuz I know there's no hope.

#4 - deeply terrified that I'll end up in prison for a crime I didnt commit. Stuck there forever. And I cant watch those horrible career shows like Deadliest Catch. I figure once I get out of prison, those will be the only jobs I can get.

#2 and #3 - Small talk is the worst and inevitably ends up about what you do. Hate it! With you on the "have a drink or two first." It helps. And not only woud we find each other charming, we could simply diss everyone else in the room. Always fun for small talk!

LOVE YOUR BLOG!!!

Stacie Ponder said...

Thanks, guys, for making this exercise in self-indulgence feel less self-indulgencey.

I do love languages, but as I said I don't do much with them anymore. I also had an interest in linguistics for a time. I dig grammar and sentence structure and all that jazz. I can seriously nerd out on diagramming sentences. :D Also, algebra. I think maybe the order of math and the math of language satisfies my left brain, as most everything else I do involves the right...if you go for that stuff.

I have no idea why that Russian broad was so hostile. It's not like I was hitting on her or trying to make her uncomfortable or something. What was I supposed to do in that situation? Ask what she "does"? BLEH.

Banned In Queensland said...

I like boobs everywhere.

I also do that hypothetical thing all the time. I can't drive through a tunnel without imagining what I would do if it suddenly caved in and started flooding.

James said...

what's russian for "what would YOU do in a zombie attack?" !!!

rob! said...

I love dogs, I love boobs. Melissa sounds great.

And Stacie, re: prison--I have a "reimagining" screenplay of Kittens In A Can I'd like you to look at...

Creature said...

I really needed to read this.

Like your #6, I don't have much in the way of practical skills. I majored in criminal justice, hated working in the field, and I've been floundering along, trying to find something to make money since. I just moved to New York on a whim and I'm trying to find any sort of work to sustain me, but it's really tough in this economy. I have a lot of friends who stuck to the straight-and-narrow path and it's good to know I'm not the only one with the doubts.

Besides, I'd rather spend my time making shit than being a lawyer.