What brought on this affliction, you ask? Why, I'll tell you: last night I watched the 1989 made-for-TV movie Amityville 4: The Evil Escapes, and I just ain't been right since. Like I said, I gots da fever, and mama, I gots it bad.
My relationship with The Amityville Horror and its 10,000 sequels has, in the past, been all but non-existent. Sure, every once in a while I bust out the original flick and pop it in to relive my youth (when red-eyed purple pigs were scary and I slept with Jay Anson's book under my pillow) and also to relish my present (when Margot Kidder and I are best friends). I've seen a portion of Part 3 (sadly, not in 3-D), and a portion of Part 2; I don't know why I haven't seen all of 3, but I can sure as hell tell you why I haven't seen all of 2. Two words: Burt. Young. This may make me sound like a horrible person, but I don't care: I simply can't bear to watch him in anything. He's always greasy, he's always sweaty, he's always dirty, he's always wearing a dirty wife beater, and he looks like he smells like armpits and motor oil. I CANNOT STAND HIM.
There, I'm glad I finally got around to admitting that. I think it will really strengthen our relationship, don't you?
But anyway. The Evil Escapes is so fucking awesome that it's a new day for me and Amityville. There are so many more films in the series for me to check out, and I can't wait. There's a good chance none of them will live up to the glory and splendor of the fourth installment, but that's a chance I'm willing to take. As for you, my friends, I say unto thee: this movie is awesome and well worth your time. Behold:
In The Evil Escapes, the evil escapes by "transmigrating" into a hideous floor lamp after an exorcism. Someone buys the hideous floor lamp at a yard sale and packs it off to California where it makes with the havoc wreaking. Occasionally, a demon face appears in the floor lamp to remind us that it's not merely hideous- it's both hideous and hideously eeeevil.
![](https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjbwFQaxevRCp0oSXXMv79ot2xPxVkoTT6RS2QwLWxjlSdfsAxsF69PW9uHQrBbw__4i1Xo3-WhBhCA6xBJ5HDaRnIEt7-zWRlJ4QxTe1qEevXxNUEGAQCbggIGn87xg6lf3V2duw/s400/amity4_1.jpg)
The eeeevil floor lamp causes all sorts of appliances to come on unexpectedly- a garbage disposal mangles someone's hand! An electric kettle burns someone's hand! And, in a scene that is sure to delight moviewatchers for generations to come, a chainsaw suddenly springs to life, causing hapless young David (who was oh-so-innocently holding it- sans power- and making "vroom vroom" noises) to lay waste to the basement, including gramma's beloved jelly jars.
![](https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiU1AEDkRFoAqMEM8zAkK-nFp6EtIpMUNj9AtpZc0ibYWX4IiqL2ruXX23vXW2A4T6gVXqs1NyqZ4mmvV38BSqKGtmuFHP9J6-aROwYAIYScPW31Zc4mcsNzYdbr7x0Ul5-35ctXw/s400/amity4_2.jpg)
Watch in delight as a sorta-possessed Jessica defends the eeeevil floorlamp from a priest! She levitates and giggles her way through the stabbings.
![](https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgQr_Ym5SwnLLetwvJmOYFR9NyAgjltcWPn9FZxaXZ9rHdN5JJ9UMkGPBbPeNi7eR4Bk4MSGM9TlieSffMIRIoZ86QtYzvd-OYxBAU4_86jkMSdW7JWWj9tPBcxR6jQxnIPkuMmfg/s400/amity4_5.jpg)
As with all the greatest movies in the world, the action in Amityville 4 culminates with someone throwing a hideous floorlamp off a cliff where, upon impact with the rocky shore below, it explodes.
![](https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEht5TjGddnbizZEPi5W78MrT34PB-maPjZwep79z_LU6NGNXXFBU5iKxwFae_nEIHzXXho1bAJ9weQglaCFB2LzR73lpiNHp0FDafZJvKay6C_ki4Uj044j1jU6JP5O-RAPShRySA/s400/amity4_6.jpg)
I know you're salivating over this film already, but allow me to add: the floorlamp can telepathically drive a van. Or is that telekinetically? Whichever it is, one thing's for sure: it's positively teletastic!
And then there's the ending, which is basically the feline version of the ending to Zoltan: Hound of Dracula. I'd post a screencap, but you should see it for yourself. I seriously, seriously hope part 5 picks up where this one left off.
Amityville 4: The Evil Escapes is fantastic made-for-TV junk, Patty Duke treats the material way too seriously, all the kids are tools, and it's as brainless as the premise promises. No wonder I'm in love!