FINAL GIRL explores the slasher flicks of the '70s and '80s...and all the other horror movies I feel like talking about, too. This is life on the EDGE, so beware yon spoilers!

Sep 30, 2007

Speaking of lists...

...lists and dreams, that's a list of 50 horror films I would unhesitatingly shell out cold, hard cash to see.
  1. EsKILLator
  2. The Eyes Have Eyes
  3. Deadly Dress 4: Never a Bride
  4. Elderly of the Corn
  5. Hell Face
  6. Hell Face 3-D: Evil Never Dies
  7. Wicked Harvest: You Are Food
  8. Kill Your Television!
  9. An American Werewolf in America
  10. 666 Nightmare Boulevard: Hell Co-Op
  11. Eat 2: They Chew
  12. Death Fort
  13. Killer Wig
  14. Wig of a Killer
  15. Wig of a Killer 2: The Reweavening
  16. Wilford Brimley vs Jason
  17. I Stab Your Neck
  18. Death is My Co-Pilot
  19. For Whom the Bell Kills
  20. The Dwarves Under the Stairs
  21. Stop, Or My Mom Will Eat Your Face!
  22. I Am So Not Even Kidding When I Say That Someone Told Me What You Did Last Summer
  23. 4th of July: Red, White, and Blood
  24. Necronomicorn: Ears of Evil
  25. With This Ring, I Thee Kill
  26. Blood Vacation
  27. Blood Vacation 6: Frequent DIEer
  28. Taste of Flesh, Taste of Fear
  29. Werewolf in a Girl's Panties
  30. Die, Paco, Die!
  31. The Hairdresser: Shear Terror
  32. But I Killed You Yesterday!
  33. Who's Been in the Herb Garden?
  34. And A Child Shall Kill Them
  35. Pencil Neck Freak
  36. Black Thesis
  37. Black Thesis 2: Ibid
  38. Demon of the Food Court
  39. Don't Look in the Bureau!
  40. Don't Look in the Bureau 4: The Bottom Drawer
  41. Clawz: Urban Werewolf
  42. Terror Nightmare of Bloody Fear
  43. Left of Hell
  44. Voodoo Party Revenge
  45. Murder Me Dead
  46. In Satan's Closet
  47. Where the Worms Go
  48. Blood Cauldron: Hell Stew
  49. Now I Lay Me Down To Die
  50. Jazzercide


M said...

I'm in awe of your list. The sheer possibilities of a movie called Killer Wig... someone call Glenn Close!

Anonymous said...

Dear Stacie Ponder, your blog is incredibly wonderful. When I'm blue, when the workaday grind becomes particularly grim, a dose of Final Girl always makes me smile, always makes me a little bit (somtimes a lot bit) happier. So c'mon Keith, Danny, Laurie, Shirley, Tracy, Chris,and...why the hell not...Reuben too. Help me give Stacie a proper musical thank you:

Hello, world, here's a song that we're singin',
c'mon get happy
A whole lotta lovin' is what Final Girl will be bringin',
she'll make you happy

Thank you Stacie. I've got to go now, I've got a list to compile.

Oh, but before I do, this sequel thought ocurred to me. Satan's Closet 2: Out of the Closet. "Watch the dark lord of the underworld explore alternative lifestyles." I see it done it a sort of Glen or Glenda style.

Anonymous said...

I don't which noun I'd insert, but I want to see a "Return of the Son of the ________" kinda movie. Something with extra cheese.

In fact, that'd a good template to use for a contest....

"Return of the ____ of the _____"

Adam Ross said...

Thank you for making my day. As you know from reading my site, I love making shit up.

I think "The Dwarves Under the Stairs" has the potential to be the scariest movie ever made. For some reason I think Sam Neill should be in it.

As an assistant director for my high school's production of "Oklahoma!" I spent most of my time devising "Oklahoma II: Jud Lives!", including the song "Poor Jud Ain't Daid." Here's a few more:

--The Planting 2: Seeds of Sorrow
--It Was Expendable
--Father Was a Dracula
--Can't Kill the Dead

spazmo said...

That's one deliciously twisted list!

Wasn't "Where the Worms Go" a popular 60's song by Connie Francis?

And I can't wait for "But I Killed You Yesterday, Part 2: But I Killed You Yesterday AND The Day Before - This Is Getting Ridiculous!"

John Barleycorn said...

Could this list possibly be the greatest thing I've read all year? Quite possibly.

My favorites are

Werewolf in a Girl's Panties

But I Killed You Yesterday!

Terror Nightmares of Bloody Fear

and, because I'm fond of anyone who rags on Hemingway: For Whom the Bell Kills.

Anonymous said...

"Wilfred Brimley Vs. Jason" would kick ass... especially if he was joined by Ewoks and did his Cajun accent from "Hard Target".

"Dat Jasone gon' slap da bear! Sooowweeeeee!"

Jason Adams said...

Stacie, you have heard of the newish J-Horror flick Exte: Hair Extensions, right? It's basically Killer Wig, just taking J-Horror fear-of-long-black-hair to it's "logical" (and by logical I mean insane) extreme.

You can watch the trailer here. I wish I'd gotten to see it when it played here in NYC for the Asian Film Fest, now I'm just waiting for the DVD....

And seriously - Greatest List Ever. Stop, Or My Mom Will Eat Your Face! has got to be made!

Anonymous said...

This list gives me a yen to see Flesh Eating Mothers, Rabid Grannies & Ferocious Female Freedom Fighters. All three of which are real films I remember seeing in the wacky 80's.

Anonymous said...

A few of these sounds like they could also be episodes of 70s cop or detective shows.

"Tonight's episode: With this Ring, I Thee Kill!"

Anonymous said...

did you like my short story kill your television? would your dream movie be the same plot or different?


Anonymous said...

heh but i killed you yesterday! is my favorite.

Stacie Ponder said...

Thanks, kids! I'm tellin' ya, these 50 films practically write themselves!

I agree with you, Adam (and I friggin' love Father Was a Dracula)- Dwarves has extreme willie potential. I must admit, I'm really partial to Hell Face for some reason.

JA- thanks for the link! I shouldn't be surprised, but I am.

Bryan- I haven't really thought much about plot. I was just thinking about those bumper stickers- and it was either "Kill Your Television", something about honor students, or "let me tell you about my grandchildren".

Zack Carlson said...

Stacie -

Please also consider my upcoming feature BLOOD OF THE HAUNTED GHOST.


PIPER said...

Dammit, this is brilliant. The Eyes Have Eyes. I would have paid $9.50 to see that movie.

FatalPierce said...

I sense possible crossover sequel possibilities between "But I Killed You Yesterday!" and "I Am So Not Even Kidding When I Say That Someone Told Me What You Did Last Summer"

I think that "EsKILLator" has a lot of potential.

Unknown said...

Ahh, Die Paco Die...sure to be a classic! haha.

Anonymous said...

Truly amazing list you got there.
Reminds me of my list of movie sequels I'd never want to see, such as "The Invisibler Man" and "ID5".

Anonymous said...

You forgot Eat 3: They Swallow

heh heh heh

math said...

This list is fantastic, but I thought I might point out, just in case you don't know already, that someone made An American Vampire in America.

Missy Y. (formerly A Case of You) said...


the most joyful collection of words in all of my life.

Sgt. Harold Lorenzo said...

When I was about 12, shortly after stumbling across Slaughter High late one night on HBO, I started writing a screenplay called "It's My Party and I'll Die If I Want To". I wish I still had that somewhere.

Anonymous said...

I remember a book once called "The Celery Stalks at Midnight". I didn't get it at the time, but I think it would make an awesome movie.

Crunchy Frog said...

Oh Stacie. Oh, Stacie. "Black Thesis 2: Ibid" made me kinda stop breathing for a moment there.
Now I've got to muse over what other titles I'd like to see made into movies, instead of getting back to work like I should be doing.
"Return of the Screw"
"Sleepytime: He Kills You When You Yawn!"
"Curse of The Devil's Suspenders"
"Papier Machete: the Paper Cut Killer"
"Trichinosis or Treat"
"The Hellcat's Meow"
"The Hellcat's Meow 2: It's Kittens for You!"

Eve said...

THE CELERY STALKS AT MIDNIGHT is by James Howe; it's one of the sequels to BUNNICULA, about a vampire rabbit.

BUNNICULA is fantastic! HOWLIDAY INN and CELERY are really fun. I seem to recall the later book(s?) in the series being less awesome.

I hope you can still get the versions with the original drawings.

(Speaking of vegetable puns, CELERY features an artichoke heart which... yes... continues hideously beating.)

some guy on the street said...

Black Thesis IV: Morbid