Day 17- You Dirty Rat!

Some years back, I had a basement apartment in a big, huge house in Connecticut. For a few consecutive days, I noticed that my cat had been paying real close attention to a closet door- he was a like a little sentry, sitting about 6 inches away and just staring at the crack under the door.

Then, one day, I heard the scratching.

I opened the door, and there was a friggin' RAT sitting on my suitcase, looking at me. A rat. In my house. A rat- in my house! I wasn't as cliched as the housewife-on-tabletop-going "eeeeek!", but I shut the closet door real fast. I called my landlord, and his solution was to simply drop off 2 boxes of D-Con. Well, I finally worked up my nerve and opened the closet door...and found a hole in the floor, where the rat (or rats) was getting in and out. I peered down into the hole, ready to pour the D-Con, and saw something glint in the light. Upon closer inspection, I realized that it was a tube of toothpaste. And next to it? A bar of soap! I looked up on the closet shelves, and sure enough, the little bastard had chewed through boxes in order to abscond with my health and beauty aids! Living in my house was one thing, but stealing my shit was quite another. I was pissed! My toothpaste was Tom's of Maine, too--no lame-ass AIM or something. Tom's is premium, man, and I had to suffer the indignity of having it stolen by a rodent. I dumped the D-Con down the hole, and the little thief was never heard from again.

Having read my tale of woe, you can be sure I sympathized heavily with Peter "RoboCop" Weller's character in today's feature, 1983's Of Unknown Origin. Based on the novel The Visitor by Chauncey Parker III (yes, there's actually someone named "Chauncey", and of course he's "the third"), the movie centers around Bart Hughes (Weller), a fastidious executive who duels to the death with a big mama rat after she invades his newly restored brownstone.

Now, this box art just cracks me up. If your movie is a part of the animals-run-amok genre, just go with it. Don't try to sex up a movie about a rat the size of a koala bear! Sheesh. Although, between this image and "Introducing Shannon Tweed" appearing in the credits, I will admit I was a little nervous as to what awaited me when the DVD started. Don't worry- there's no human/rodent nooky at all. Nor, in fact, does Of Unknown Origin sink as far into shlockiness as most other entries in the killer-animals genre (see 1975's Bug, wherein intelligent cockroaches spell out "WE LIVE" on a wall). It's very telling that Bart's bedtime reading is Moby Dick, as he becomes so obsessed with outwitting the rat that he nearly loses his mind. He stops going to work, he takes to wearing baseball cleats around the house...the rat pushes him to the brink when she chews through the traps Bart lays and takes to destroying his house.

Without a doubt, the film is carried by Weller's intense performance. He's one of those actors that I feel could be a little off-balance offscreen as well, and when Bart begins his descent into Vendettasville, it's Weller who keeps it believable. There's lots of nice close-ups of rat parts- from the scaly feet to the beady eyes to the long, yellow teeth. Bleh!

During a dinner with company executives, Bart is distracted, thinking about his little problem at home. He's been researching rats in a "know thy enemy" kinda way, and at the table he spouts off a lot of neato rat facts, which I will now share with you:

-One-fifth of all the world's grain is destroyed by rats. This amounts to 5 billion pounds in the US alone.
-A rat can wriggle through a hole the size of a quarter.
-Rats can eat through lead and concrete, exerting a force equivalent to 24,000lbs per square inch per tooth! Wow!
-In less than 3 years, 2 rats gettin' it on can result in excess of 20 million baby rats! Gasp!
-RE: The Bubonic Plague...honey, don't get me started. Don't even get me started!

I should qualify this review by stating that I love animals run amok movies, particularly the films of the 70s and 80s, like Pigs and Slugs. I think they're great fun. There's been a small resurgence of these in the last few years (yes, I saw Killer Buzz), but the animals are for the large part CGI-rendered, which leaves me cold. Personally, I'd rather see an actor battle a rubber slug on a string than "brush off" something that's not even there.

This movie ain't Food of the Gods, or even Gnaw: Food of the Gods 2. Nope: it's one man vs one rat. All that's missing is a steel cage. I give it 6-and-a-half out of 10 pilfered tubes of Tom's.

Day 16- Round and Round

No, no, don't get excited. I'm not talking about the old Ratt song.

Tonight I finally saw Ring 2, despite hearing but nothing but disparaging remarks, even from folks who loved The Ring.

She's coming to get you, Barbara...I mean, Naomi Watts...

I decided to try to approach this movie with an open mind, to stick my middle finger up at all the bad press and just judge it for myself. I know I'm in the minority here, but I kinda liked it. It doesn't come close to matching the quality of the first, to be sure, but it's an entertaining story nonetheless.

After the events of The Ring, Rachel Keller (Naomi Watts) and her son Aidan (David Dorfman) pack up and move to a new life. Soon, however, it seems that the evil spirit Samara is back to wreak more havok...

This one is just so different from its predecessor that it's pretty pointless to compare the two movies. Superficially, there's a lack of atmosphere to the second film- and the atmosphere of the first counts a great deal towards what made it so effectively terrifying. The Ring was awash in blue, which, in addition to the pervasive rain, set a somber mood for the proceedings. Ring 2 is bright, clean, and well-lit- any menace of the unkown is removed when dark corners are lit.

The Ring presented Rachel with a mystery to solve, and a specific timeline in which to do it: seven days. As the clock ticked down and she uncovered more clues about the mysterious tape, the tension only grew. Here, Rachel needs to find a way to save her son, who's been having nightmares. His body temperature is dropping to hypothermic levels, and he's acting weirder that usual. It's not as linear a plot as the first film, and there's not much of a sense of urgency to the whole deal.

That said, I honestly did enjoy watching it- but as I mentioned, The Ring and Ring 2 are apples and oranges. The first is more a good ol' horror movie, while the second dips heavily into the pool of the supernatural. There's usually a big wall, I find, between myself and supernatural horror movies. I never have any fears that what's happening on screen could happen to me, and so as much as I may enjoy the story, I leave it behind at the theatre. Could a guy like Michael Myers come after me? Yup. Could I become possessed by a demon? I doubt it. The urban legend quality of The Ring drew me in hook, line, and sinker- just like Candyman did when I saw it the first time. The Ring stayed with me for a long time after I saw it, and watching it today it still gets under my skin. Ring 2 wasn't a bad way to spend a couple of hours, but when I turned it off, it was over. While it could've used some more scares overall, images of Samara climbing out of the well did get me to sink further down in to the couch cushions. And let's face it, I think Naomi Watts is such a good actress, I'd probably find her enjoyable in Police Academy 76. And it's got Sissy Spacek, although she doesn't get nearly enough screentime here. Sissy Spacek!

Overall, I was pleasantly surprised, and I'll give it 7 out of 10 dishpan hands.

OK, this is my last post for the Friday the 13th Marathon. If by some chance you're just starting to read, you might want to scroll all the way down to the bottom of the post and start at the beginning.

Freddy vs Jason vs Stacie's Fragile State
If this movie didn't exist, I could've ended this hours ago! I get the feeling that this movie was written by two dudes in their early 20s who thought it would be so cool to see Freddy and Jason fight onscreen. Awesome! Yeah! The idea has never appealed to me personally, but then I don't think I was exactly the target audience for this effort. It's a nasty piece of work- all the women are "bitches", Freddy's a "faggot"...is this what passes for horror now? Watching camp counsellors simply get slaughtered is somehow less offensive to me than this movie.

Boy, I tell ya- the things they can do with computers nowadays...back in my day, dagummit, if you wanted a head cut off, you called a fella named Tom Savini and he'd make it happen for ya. Now, click the mouse, press a key, and by gar it's all done! "By gar"? Don't ask. Well, I'm not going to bother to go on and on about this silly movie and why I didn't like it, or why CGI gore usually lacks impact, or go on my usual tirades about the current state of the horror movie industry, blah blah blah. The important thing here is that I did it! I'm done. Wow.

What a strange, silly endeavor, watching all 11 of these movies for no higher purpose than simply to do it. It's all for the good of Final Girl, I guess. Or just to test my endurance. Frankly, I feel a little numb right now.

At least I can say that my love of Parts I & II has been re-affirmed. Wayyyy back when I watched them...so many hours ago...I realized that whatever the series became and whatever other terrible slasher movies they helped spawn, they're 2 classics of the genre. What other highlights were there for me? Hmm. The exploding logos, for sure. They stopped at- what, Part VI? The head getting punched clean off. The eyeball flying at the camera in 3D style. Ah, good times, good times.

My god, I lost an entire day of my life to the Friday the 13th movies.

It's 7:23am...almost time for breakfast goulash!

Jason X
A little story: when this movie came out a few years ago, my friend Scott bought a bootleg VHS copy on the street in Chinatown. One day, he handed the tape to me and said "You gotta see this movie!". I watched it, gave the tape back, and told him it was really really awful- why did he make me watch it? "Oh yeah," he said, "It's unwatchable. I turned it off halfway through.". Bastard.

Well, in the interest of this masochistic marathon, I had to sit through Jason X again...and it wasn't as bad as I remember. That's good. In fact, I treated it like it was sort of outside the series mythos, and in that context, it was almost kinda cheesy fun. Yeah, it's beyond ludicrous, but what's wrong with that? Acting like it's a proper sequel to any of the 9 films before it is ludicrous, too.

Following in the footsteps of Leprechaun, Jason ends up in space- 450 or so years from now, after being thawed from a cryogenic deep freeze nap. He wreaks havoc on the ship, and is only stopped when he's burned up in the Earth's atmosphere on re-entry.

What bothered me more than the silly premise I just described was that like so many other films in the franchise, Jason X ignores/doesn't explain/refutes what has happened before, even in the installment right before this one. At the end of Jason Goes to Hell, Jason...ummm...went to Hell. He was killed by a blood relative- he can only be killed by a blood relative, right? At any rate, he was pulled into the Earth and down to Hell by these giant, fake-looking demon hands. Now at the beginning of Jason X, he's at the Crystal Lake Research Facility (dear Lord), awaiting the cryo-chamber. No mention of Hell. No mention of Erin Gray. This is just the last resort, after the government has tried and failed to execute him so many times. It's stated that he's got the amazing ability to regenerate tissue, and scientists want to exploit this. Umm...he does? Yeah, he kept getting re-animated by people in Parts VI-VIII, but he didn't seem to grow any new tissue in that time. He got more and more...gooified. He was practically a walking dripping skeleton in VIII.

Eh, oh well, right? At least I had more fun with the movie than the first time I saw it. I can't believe how far removed Jason X is from Friday the 13th. It's like comparing Joan Rivers faces throughout time, or contrasting "Off the Wall" Michael Jackson to "Mug Shot" Michael Jackson. How are they the same creature? Me am baffled.

It took me a looong time to write this, as my functions are beginning to cease. One more! ONE MORE, MA! HA! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday
You've gotta be kidding me.

You've gotta be fucking kidding me.

THIS is the way this franchise was supposed to end? I mean, again, of course, that "Final" in the title is a bit misleading. I HATE it when they try to change all the rules all of a sudden. Nearly 15 years of history undone like THAT by some silly plot that is the last word. Bringing in supernatural hoodoo mumbo jumbo at the last minute, making what was already a fairly preposterous franchise into something soooo ridiculous...AARGH! Wow, I wasn't expecting this. Jason's not really a person but a malevolent spirit/force thingie that jumps from body to body via a black penis-looking thing that comes out of people's mouths? Amy Steel! Betsy Palmer! RESCUE ME!!! Let me go to beedddddddddddddddddddddddddd!

This was pretty gory, no? And Erin Gray, what the frig are you doing here?

Dannnnnnng. It's 3:22am.

Stacie Goes to Hell: The Final 3 Movies

Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan
OK, who's friggin' idea was this movie? My god. This was the last F13 I saw in a theatre, back in 1989, and I remember thinking it was terrible. I was right!

Jason on a Boat. That's really what this movie should be called, because 3/4 of it takes place on a big huge boat, during a high school graduation party. Oh, uh, the students are all from around Crystal Lake- I guess that whole "Forest Green" idea went out the window.

Jason was still on the bottom of the lake from Part VII, but...sigh...a passing boat dropped anchor and caught on an underwater power line. The electrical charge from this passed through Jason and resurrected him yet again.

This movie is tied at the top of my Hatin' List with Part V. The characters in VIII are not nearly as irritating as those in V, but there's an ugliness to this one that really bothered me. Everyone is really awful and mean. While the actual killings have been more brutal in other installments, Jason is much more sadistic here than ever before. Rather than quickly dispatch his victims, Jason lingers before murdering them, watching them suffer. He's moved way beyond yer basic revenge killing, into serial killer territory. It's weird.

Jason got melted and drowned in toxic waste at the end of this one, because apparently they flush the NYC sewer systems with toxic waste every night at midnight. Huh. I didn't know that when I lived there. I'm interested to see how he comes back in Part IX, up next. Finally, one of these I've never seen before.

This movie is worth watching ONLY for the 10 seconds in which Jason punches someone's head clean off. I'm just tired and giddy enough that I laughed and laughed and laughed. Also making a return appearance is the Crazy Doomsayer, whom the series has been missing since Part III. Here, it's a dude swabbin' the poopdeck on the ship who tells the kids that the cruise is doomed. Dooooooooooooomed! Oh, and pointless trivia: the guy who plays mean old Uncle Charlie is the same guy who played Blake Carrington's attorney on Dynasty. I loves me some 80's nighttime soaps.

3 more...3 more...3 more....

It's only 1:24am! Yeeeeeeeehaw!!!

Part VII: The New Blood, blood.
Whazza? Whazza? What-oh yeah. Just finished Jason vs Carrie. Actually, while that does kinda describe this entry, this is definitely the most watchable movie since Part IV.

I think my brain is getting soft.

Lar Park Lincoln stars as Tina, a girl with psychokinetic abilities; and who may be the long lost Olsen triplet. Back when she was a child, Tina and family were vacationing at Crystal Lake. Daddy got drunk and abusive...Tina's powers manifested themselves...and daddy ended up at the bottom of the lake. Now, Tina, her mom, and her shrink have come back to Crystal Lake to confront demons in a therapeutic fashion. Yeah, it's a thin plot. Anyway, Tina's powers end up resurrecting Jason, who's still chained at the bottom of the lake from Part VI. Enter teens, Jason kills teens, Jason vs Tina, Tina's dad comes up from the water and drags Jason back under the lake...wait, what?! Yeah, I told ya, it's a thin plot. And it seems that the F13 movies all end about the same way- someone gets pulled under the water, and the last person standing gets wheeled away on a gurney.

I do like this installment, though. It's not as jokey as the last few have been, Lar Park Lincoln is likable, and we have the debut of Kane Hodder as Jason. At this point, Jason is super ultra corpse-y looking. He's rotting and dripping and he's got bones showing. I bet you can smell him a mile away. See, the thing is, he CAN be killed- it's just that somehow people keep bringing him BACK. Let the dude stay dead and he'll stay dead! Ya idjits.

The body count, I believe, is 16, although I may have spaced out and forgotten to mark one down. For the first time in a long time I felt bad when someone fell victim to Jason: when Tina's mom got the big...knifey thing to the chest, I actually felt a little badly about it. First of all, she's a mom, second of all, the slimeball shrink used her as a human shield. That sucks. Then again, I may just be really, really, tired.

One more in my DVD box set...then 3 after that. Oh.

Part VI- Jason Lives
Just so you know, this 1986 effort is not to be confused with Jason's 1976 double live album, Jason Comes Alive!.

Tommy Jarvis and Arnold Horshack escape from a lunatic asylum so Tommy can...uh...dig up Jason's corpse and cremate it, just to make sure he's really dead this time. Once they open the coffin, Tommy flips out and stabs Jason through the chest with metal bar from the cemetery gate. Lightning strikes the bar- twice- and, just like Ben Franklin predicted, Jason is resurrected. Now he's nigh indestructible! He's all grey colored and worm covered and he just can't be stopped anymore. Way to go, Tommy.

I liked the Tommy of Part V better, actually. He was a quiet, a bit of a psychopath himself, given to fits of rage. Here, he's just a cute guy who's misunderstood by the mean old local sheriff. That's OK- during Jason's rampage at Camp Crystal Lake (oh, excuse me- Camp Forest Green, now) the sheriff will get his! Jason racks up a big body count of 18 this time.

These movies are getting boring...the characters are strictly Jason fodder now. Alot of people have no reason to even be in the area (like the couple in the woods, at night, celebrating their engagement over champagne...?) besides to add to the body count. There's no style, no atmosphere. And the jokes are getting ludicrous, as well- there's so much overt humor this could almost be classified "horror/comedy". Even Jason hams it up quite a bit here. Thank Jeebus he doesn't speak, or I fear we'd have another Freddy Krueger on our hands. This entry marks the first appearance of actual campers- yes, gasp, children. While it could've lent an interesting new element to the series, the kids just scream on occasion and call each other "dude".

At the end, Tommy has padlocked a huge chain around Jason's neck, the other end of the chain to a big rock, and both Jason and rock are at the bottom of Crystal Lake. "It's over," says Tommy, "It's finally over.". Dammit, he lied! Why did you lie to me, Tommy? There's 5 more movies to go! 5! Mommy, make it stop!

Oh, and no exploding credits, much to my dismay. This movie had the "Jason as Agent 007" opening credits. Funny, yes, but it sets the tone for the movie as less-than-scary. Jason had firmly passed into icon territory at this point. Sigh. Tip #1 for making a horror movie: if you want it to have any atmosphere, or be the least bit scary, treat your subject matter seriously.

How can there still be 5 movies left? HOW?! I feel tears coming on.

Part V: A New Beginning
Oh, my. Oh, my, my, my. Well, this one is the Halloween 3 of the series, isn't it? The one that doesn't really belong with the others and no one likes?

See, it ain't Jason doin' the killin'...this time, it's Roy, the Paramedic! Eyyyaaaaahhhh! Tommy Jarvis makes a return appearance, but this time he's about 10 years older than he was in Part IV, and he's spent those 10 years in various mental institutions 'cause he done gone nuts! Now he's at a halfway house kinda place, and he sees Jason everywhere. When Roy the Paramedic dons the hockey mask and grabs a machete, it's up to Tommy to stop him.

The franchise lost about every shred of dignity with this installment. The characters are just caricatures: we've got the jive-talkin' sassy African-American (the first of the series) "Reggie the Reckless"...the fatso, who's always eating and has chocolate running down his cheeks...the sullen punk rocker...the filthy white-trash farmers, "Ma" and "Junior"...the greasy haired thugs in leather jackets...I mean, where's the Indian Chief in the headdress? Where's the Eskimo holding a spear? Gah. In addition to the pathetic characters, there's terrible over-acting- especially when people are supposed to be scared. There's lots of...ahem..."humor", and the special effects amount to...blood, just about exclusively. Tom Savini, we hardly knew ye.

The body count is insane: 21, all told, although 2 of those were in a dream sequence. Yes, yes, don't worry- someone goes through a window.

The highlight is, without a doubt, MORE EXPLODING CREDITS! Yep- this time, the logo blows up when the hockey mask flies through it. I was so psyched. Oh, it makes me happy every time. But that was in the first two minutes- I had to sit through another 90 or so!

The ending shot is Tommy, who's put on the hockey mask and is holding a butcher knife in an "I'm gonna stab ya!" fashion...will he pick up Jason's mantle? I guess I'll find out with the next movie...

It's dark out now. I have a slight headache...must...eat...pizza...

Part IV: The Final Chapter- the most blatant case of fraudulent advertising since "The Neverending Story"
Wow, 4 movies in 4 years. That's quite a little money machine they had going with this series. Hey, umm, I'm completely confused. Exactly how big is Crystal Lake? How many campsites, resorts, and houses are crowded around the perimeter? Help me understand. It's explained that Part II takes place 5 years after Part I. OK, fine. Then at the beginning of Part III, we see a news report detailing the murders from Part II, that took place the night before. Part III all occurs in one day. At the beginning of Part IV, the police are picking up the bodies from Part III...Jason is taken to the county morgue ('cause he's "dead") and escapes- we see the newspaper headline referring to this, so it can't be more than a day or so later. I guess I'm not confused, exactly- I just never realized that the 3 movies (Parts II-IV) take place in the span of about 4 days. Huh.

People tend to cite Part IV as a favorite when talking about the series, and as I watched, I tried to figure out why. I also think it's one of the stronger entries-probably 3rd after I and II- and about the last one that's better than OK (which means I've got a looooong night a-comin'). So why Part IV? Well, the characters are slightly more fleshed out and likable here. Jason is seen, until the very end, very seldom- it's more fleeting long shots than lingering shots of him...well...lingering. He's much scarier here than in Part III. But we all know what it really comes down to: Corey Feldman. We all like Corey Feldman in this one. As Tommy Jarvis, he's a nerdy little cutie who's into horror movies and has the voice of a 45-year-old female chainsmoker...then he shaves his head and saves himself and his sister Trish by killing Jason with a machete. And then he flips out completely- when he sees Jason twitch, Tommy grabs the machete and hacks and hacks at Jason's body...

They really like throwing people through windows in this series, don't they? There were 3 people, both dead and alive, and a dog defenestrated in this installment. Yay, SAT words. Defenestrate is to Friday the 13th as mint chocolate chip ice cream is to Stacie. Total body count is a whopping 13. The silhouetted killing that takes place during a lightning flash is a nice effect, and Jason's head sliding down the machete is pretty damn gross. Oh, and during the opening credits, the hockey mask EXPLODES when the Friday the 13th logo flies through it. I LOVE exploding credits. They're completely pointless, yet awesome.

Time no longer has meaning.

Part III- 3 Dimensions of Meh
OK, you know how just a little while ago I complained that there's no satisfying resolution to Part II? Well, it doesn't matter, because Part III completely refutes it anyway. In Part II, Jason gets a machete to the neck/shoulder in his shack. Ginny and Paul head back to a cabin, Jason busts through the window, machete still intact- cut to Ginny being wheeled away on a gurney, asking about Paul. At the beginning of Part III, we see Jason get the machete chop courtesy of Ginny...Ginny and Paul limp away from the shack, then Jason pulls out the machete and slithers away on the shack floor. In addition, Part III supposedly takes place a few hours after Part II, but somehow Jason has lost all of his crazy mountain-man wispy hair and is now completely bald. What the-? That tears it. Friday the 13th series, I may now hold a grudge against you.

This entry in the series is most notable for the following: Jason gets his hockey mask, and I had some nachos while watching it. Actually, OK, there are some creative kills here. There's the spear gun shot through the eye- I'm sorry, but Jason killing you from 30 feet away kinda kicks ass. There's also the machete hack between the legs of the dude walking on his hands, and the head squeezed until the eyeball flies out at the camera. That's right, AT the camera- this one is in 3D, remember? So there's lots of silly shots of things pointing at the camera. What was with that 3D craze America went through, anyway? There was F13, Jaws, Amityville Horror...I'm sure I'm forgetting some. How silly we are. I shouldn't have been surprised when the Macarena hit it big. This one's got the highest body count so far: 12.

Final Girl Chris is irritating throughout the entire movie- bitchy, whiny, and unfriendly, even though she's the hostess for this weekend getaway. I must give her props, though, for her behavior when she's the only one left standing against Jason. She pulls a knife out of her dead friend's back, stabs Jason twice, then jumps out a window; she puts a rope around his neck and pushes him out of a hayloft, and when that's not enough, she puts an axe in his skull. And she's stark raving mad when it's all over.

Bad omens for future entries in the series: the film is a "Jason, Inc." production, Harry Manfredini's score is replaced by a cheesy 80s synth beat (though the original music chimes in over the killings), and it's the first entry that doesn't take itself very seriously. The counsellors are becoming straight-up stereotypes, and there's frequent attempts at overt humor. For examples of both, check out the dope smoking hippy couple.

Oh dear god...I've only watched 3 movies so far...

Part II: Baghead
This one begins in the apartment of Alice, the heroine of part I. After finding the shrivelling head of Mrs. Voorhees in her refrigerator, Alice gets an icepick through the temple. You know what I realized upon seeing this today? That whole sequence means that Jason tracked her down. Yes, I may be slow on the uptake, but let me say it again- Jason tracked her down! He somehow found out where she lived, left the woods, went to her apartment, and killed her there. Whoa. Jason can get you in your house? That breaks all the rules, doesn't it? I thought he could only kill me if I stumbled across/had sex in his stomping grounds. Of course, this idea is pretty much abandoned for the rest of the series, I believe.

I, like many people, was under the impression that Jason actually did drown way back in '58 and then somehow came back to life to go on his rampage. After watching Part II today, though, I buy the explanation given by Ginny (Amy Steel) in the bar: Jason did NOT drown, which is why his body was never recovered from the lake. He ran off and grew up like some kind of Beast Boy in the woods, surviving on wild animals and berries or whatever. Seeing his mother killed triggered the revenge gene that obviously runs in the family (how Jason becomes unkillable, well, that doesn't need explaining, does it?). That said, this is my favorite version of Jason. While he's lacking the hulking, menacing body of Kane Hodder (parts VII-X), here he's a crazy, deformed, wilderness/mountain man with a bag over his head- he's much more real than the unstoppable psycho he'd become, and to me, much more scary.

Standing right next to Laurie Strode on the Stacie's Number 1 Fave Final Girl podium is Ginny, and it's not only because I have a huge, unabiding crush on Amy Steel. No, It's because Ginny is smart, creative, and strong. Like I said in some post a long time ago, she gets proactive in her fight against the killer instead of simply waiting to be rescued: she hides on him then kicks him in the goodies, she comes at him with a chainsaw, she puts on the stinky old sweater of his dead mother to trick him, then uses the machete on him. I'd probably just wait to be rescued. The fact that Amy Steel can act helps infinitely- like Jamie Lee Curtis, she doesn't just scream. She actually makes you believe she's scared- from the way she stops, looks around and listens, to the way she delivers lines, like my favorite:"Paul, there's someone in this room. Paul, there's someone in this fucking room!".

The counsellors, unfortunately, have become by this point nothing but a body count- in this instance, 9. They're nameless, exceedingly horny, frequently naked, and get killed in an alarmingly quick fashion. The scares are few, despite what I thought all those years ago when I saw this at the drive-in with my parents. In a reversal of the usual, the movie actually gets scarier once the killer is revealed. Jason's one eye peering at you through the sack as he raises a pitchfork is still effective. The ending is particularly weak, as it cuts away at the height of action- Jason has just jumped through a window at Ginny and Paul- to what amounts to no resolution at all. I suppose this is to, obviously, set up another sequel, but still, it's a let down. I don't care if the killer gets away at the end, but at least show me what happens.

The best part of this whole endeavor may be the title sequence, when the Friday the 13th logo blows up to reveal "Part II". Well, that and Amy Steel, of course.

Part 1: The Boy in the Lake
You know what? This movie still holds up. Before Friday the 13th became a hydra of a franchise, before Jason was an unstoppable killing machine, Sean Cunningham and company put out a scary little slasher movie that gets under my skin- even today, over a cup of coffee.

All the little touches add up to keep this one at the top of the heap: the fantastic use of slow-motion at both the beginning and end, the fade to white after a kill, Harry Manfredini's score- a jarring, grating rip-off of Bernard Herrmann's work in Psycho...it was all fresh way back in 1980. While it certainly followed in the footsteps of Halloween, F13 hadn't yet devolved into 90 minutes of cliches and stereotypes. There's some character development, and you kinda sorta care about the counsellors- the acting is also decent, and that helps. Despite the high body count- 10- the film's pace is fairly slow, so it's not just a mind-numbing kill-kill-kill. There's something about this one that has always scared me more than almost any other slasher- the grittiness of it, the pounding rain, the fleeting glimpses of the killer, the haunting child's voice that lures Brenda to her death with cries of "Help me!"...there's alot of atmosphere here, believe it or not. And even when we know who the killer is the frights don't let up, because Betsy Palmer is just so damn good- when she talks to herself in the voice of her dead son Jason, it still gives me the chills. And then there's Jason himself, all crusty looking, popping out of the lake at the end: it's preposterous, silly, and horrifying. Was it just Alice's dream, or was there a boy in the lake? I'll find out when I turn on Part 2! I'm guessing that it wasn't just Alice's imagination, though- I've still got 10 movies to get through.

Day 15- Eternal F13 of the Spotless Mind

It's here! My big day- the Friday the 13th marathon. I've got a stack of 11 movies sittin' over yonder, and I'm gonna do my best to get through 'em. Rachael just made a big pan of Breakfast Goulash and I'm ready to go. I'm not sure how well horror movies and breakfast mix, but one's gotta do what one's gotta do. Oh, and for the uninitiated, Breakfast Goulash consists of potatoes, peppers, onions, cheese, and eggs all mixed up. Douse with generous amounts of Red Devil hot sauce and you've got yourself the tasty breakfast of cholesterol and champions.

I'll be back with updates...if I make it...

Day 14- ...annnnd SCENE!

I've had the old Visage song "Fade to Grey" stuck in my head for two days now, ever since the 1980 movie Fade to Black arrived in my mailbox courtesy of Netflix. I like that song, but it's really starting to get irritating. After attempted all my tried-and-true methods for getting songs unstuck to no avail, I'm approaching wit's end (it's down about a block on the left, next to the big Dunkin' Donuts). I guess it could be worse, though- I once had "Let's Hear It For the Boy" running through my mind for about a week. I was thisclose to jamming a fork in my ear to try to scrape the song off my brain.

PS- I love Dunkin' Donuts coffee, in a heart-with-an-arrow-through-it kinda way.

So was Fade to Black worth all the mental anguish caused by the EuroPop loop running between my ears? Well, since it's a Visage song, I guess so. If it was a Deneice Williams song, I'd be pretty pissed off right now.

Dennis Christopher stars as Eric Binford, a much put-upon film studio delivery boy who lives in the fantasy world of movies to escape his harsh reality. He resides with his crippled, shrewish, domineering aunt (Eve Brent), who tells him he's worthless and he needs to start livin' in the now. His overbearing boss (Norman Burton) treats him like garbage, he's bullied by some thugs at work (including a young Mickey Rourke), a smarmy film producer (Morgan Paull) steals his idea for a movie...you get the picture, right? Eventually, Eric has a complete break with reality and exacts revenge on his tormentors by re-enacting death scenes from various movies, killing people while dressed in all sorts of costumes: the Mummy, Dracula, Hopalong Cassidy...

While Dennis Christopher gives a good performance, the problem I had was that I could totally see why people didn't like Eric. He's an irritating, chain-smoking, mean kinda guy who quotes movies and fucks up all the time at work. And when I say "quotes movies", I don't mean he throws out the random Star Wars line or something like alot of people do. He acts like people from the movies and won't stop. If Eric asks you a question about a movie- like "What kind of gum did that guy who had one line in Casablanca chew between takes on Thursdays?"- and you don't know the answer, he'll insult you. He was too obnoxious to like. I don't condone revenge killing, obviously, but when your plot runs to the picked-on nerd seeking revenge on tormentors ilk, it sometimes helps if said nerd is likable, sympathetic, or a real victim of circumstance. If Eric Binford had been a little more like Carrie or the nerds of Lamda Lamda Lamda, I may have cared a little. As it was, I could feel my facial expression change from "interested, earnest, and trying not to think about "Fade to Grey" to "bored, disappointed, waiting for the movie to end, and trying not to think about "Fade to Grey" about three-quarters of the way through.

I did like all the clips from old movies that appeared throughout, though, and...umm...umm...I'll give it 5-and-a-half out of 10 "Luke...there is another...Sky...walker...."s.

Oh, and just so you know, tomorrow is my Friday the 13th marathon. I'm going to post throughout the day at various intervals, because if I waited until it was all over, I think the post would only say: "Guh".

Day 13- Hop on Pop

Let's get this outta the way right up front: the title of today's entry has little to nothing to do with today's movie. It just came out.

Now then. I myself am not a child of divorce. However, I read on the internet that when a parent remarries, children sometimes have difficulty adjusting to/getting along with the new mommy or daddy. OK, I buy that. Children should then turn to Hollywood, with all its collective wisdom, sensitivity, and insight to observe how it deals with this touchy subject. You see, if the new parent is a mommy, she might be something like Julia Roberts- see exhibit A, Stepmom. While I have not in fact seen the movie, I know all I need to know from the trailer: kids don't like New Mom, New Mom's large toothy smile wins kids over, cue singing and dancing and magical musical bonding. Pap, I tells ya...it's PAP! Man, I hate that word. My three least favorite words in the whole world are "pap", "moist", and "slacks". It's purely coincidental that you can easily use them all in the same sentence.

Anyway, where was I? Oh yes. What happens when the new parent is a daddy? Well, he could turn out to be like Terry O'Quinn in 1989's Stepfather 2: Make Room For Daddy. In other words, he could turn out to be a complete psycho who will win your hearts, become a part of your family, and then kill you all! You know, when I think about Julia Roberts movies and her big big smile, a raging Terry O'Quinn doesn't sound half bad. Add Richard Gere to the mix and I'll be handing Terry the knife to save me.

This sequel is (as most sequels are) totally unnecessary. At the end of The Stepfather (1987), O'Quinn's character dies quite convincingly- it coulda been a nice, neat little package. But this is horror, baby, so bring that crazy man back for more! Keep the villain, add some new victims and voila- one big plate of rehash coming up.

Turns out that The Stepfather (he goes through way too many aliases for me to list 'em) got stitched up after the events of the original flick and wound up in the nuthouse. He sticks his "Let's talk about how that makes you feel, Stepfather" shrink with a shiv, kills a guard, takes the uniform, and busts out of the hospital. Assuming the name "Gene Clifford", he leases a house from divorced real estate agent Carol (Meg Foster), who lives across the street with her son Todd (SeaQuest DSV's Jonathan Brandis). If there's one thing the Stepfather loves, its finding a family to set up with.

Eventually Carol agrees to marry Gene, despite the protestations of her pal Matty (Caroline Williams)...who winds up at the short end of a terrycloth bathrobe sash, courtesy of Gene. What's the short end of a sash? I don't know. The point is, he chokes the poor girl with it and strings her up, making it look like a suicide.

Will Carol be able to put 2 and 2 together before Gene goes nutso and kills his new family? You'll just have to check out Stepfather 2 to see! Ha ha!

This is a likable movie, driven by Terry O'Quinn's fab performance as the crazed would-be patriarch. He's particularly fab during his flip-out scenes- he sure can channel some rage. S2 is darkly comic, at times, without descending into the obviousness of, say, Scream. I'm sure one could opine for a while on the movie as allegory for family values this and American family that, but hey- leave it in the school, schooly! This movie is fun, y'hear? I did spend alot of time waiting for Meg Foster to shoot lasers out of her eerie, cyberesque, Kirstie Alley-ish eyes. But then, I always do that during Meg Foster movies...and you know, she never shoots lasers out of her eyes, dammit. That's OK, though, I'll never give up hope...and I'll still give Stepfather 2...7 out of 10 hopped-on pops!

Day 12- Well, at least the place is cheap...

Just imagine for a moment, if you will...imagine what would've resulted if Irwin Allen (director of such big budget, celebrity-riddled movies such as The Poseidon Adventure and The Towering Inferno) had this thought on some fine day long ago: "What if I, Irwin Allen, were to make a movie that is like a celebrity-riddled jambalaya flavored with Rosemary's Baby, The Exorcist and Freaks? Whatever would that movie be like? Mmm...jambalaya is cajun satisfaction.". Now don't get your hopes up, because to my knowledge, Mr. Allen never asked himself any such thing (nor do I know whether or not he liked jambalaya). If he had asked himself, however, and then he had, you know, made the movie, it might have turned out a lot like the 1977 flick The Sentinel.

Here's the skinny, all brief-like because there's so much in the movie that me typing all the details would make my fingertips catch on fire and you reading all the details would make your eyes shrivel up and fall out:

Magazine cover girl Alison Parker (Cristina Raines) moves into a luxurious-yet-mysteriously-cheap Brooklyn brownstone, meets some wacky neighbors, and pays for her sin of attempted suicide by having to sit watch at the gateway to Hell.

What was that? Did you say..."Meh. Sounds OK"? Well, take it back, because this movie is sometimes cheesy, sometimes scary, and all the time over the top! And oh, honey, the celebrities...we're talking mega-watt starpower, baby! Check out this roster and see if you still say "meh". You get:

-a mustachioed Chris Sarandon
-John Carradine
-Ava Gardner
-Burgess Meredith
-a leotard-clad Sylvia Miles
-Christopher Walken
-a mustachioed Jerry Orbach
-Jeff Goldblum
-a leotard-clad Beverly D'Angelo
-Tom Berenger
-Jose Ferrer

It's like Horror Movie of the Network Stars or something! That list alone should be enough to get you watching, but if it's not, then how about this:

Yes, it's a cat in a party hat, and no, I can't explain it here. Still not enough? OK...how about if I tell you that Alison's first suicide attempt was due to her walking in on her naked elderly father cavorting with two large naked ladies? And they were all feeding each other cake and were thus covered in frosting? And we see it all in a flashback! What? Now you don't want to watch it? Hmm. But you MUST. There's a few scenes ya just need to SEE, and I don't want to spoil 'em here.

I'm tellin' ya. If you like supernatural thrillers from the 70's, you'll like this movie. If you like the idea of seeing Beverly D'Angelo make Alison extremely uncomfortable by masturbating through her leotard during a coffee visit, you'll like this movie. If you like cats in party hats, you'll like this movie. So put on your leotard and get to touchin' watchin'!

Day 11- Meet the Girls of Theta DIE!

First thing's first, y'all, because I know you're a-wonderin' about the CONTEST. The Miss Final Girl 2005 Sweepstakes Bonanza Extravaganza, that is. Well, I'm happy to say that from now on, Mr. Dan Schmidt of New York will be known to the world as Miss Final Girl 2005! Hooray for Dan! He made a very convincing argument as to why his favorite Final Girl is Kirsty from Hellraiser. While Dan takes the grand prize, there were so many good answers (I even got some haiku!) that I'm giving out booty to some other folks, too. I just can't help but make the gesture- I'm like a hooker with a heart of gold. Well, except for the "hooker" part. Unless of course I need a fix of smack, and then hey, whatever it takes, man. hugs, not drugs But the real hearts of gold belong to YOU, the readers. Thanks for entering! And in case you're wondering, the most popular Final Girl was "Nancy" from A Nightmare on Elm Street. You go, Nancy! We love you and your very big, very dry hair!

The next time someone asks you "Who's your favorite Final Girl?"- which could end up happening quite often, you never know- I suggest you watch today's offering before you give an answer: The House on Sorority Row (1983)! Now the box art, which you can see here, makes it look as if there's some sort of soft-core goings-on going on, or it's one of those exploitative rape movies like I Spit on Your Grave, but that's just bad marketing. The DVD version I saw had the trailer included, and watching it I thought it would lead one to believe that it's about a sorority full of thrill-killers. Sheesh! No wonder this movie's dismissed! What it IS is a pretty damn decent little slasher flick.

The movie opens with a flashback: it's 1961, and Dorothy Slater is undergoing an extremely difficult childbirth at home. In comes the doctor, who performs a cesarean, but hints that he was unable to save the baby.

On to present day, and Mrs. Slater is now the cranky old dinosaur of a housemother for the girls of Theta Pi. She walks with a cane and rules with an iron fist, and the girls are fed up. The old witch won't even let them host one last big fling upon graduation, insisting that they vacate the house by June 19th- the house must be empty by June 19th! No "drunken sprees" for the wicked girls!

Later on, Vicki, the girls' ringleader, and her boyfriend are making sweet sweet love on Vicki's waterbed. Mrs. Slater interrupts, hissing "You filth...trash like you doesn't belong in my house!" and slashes the bed with the end of her cane. Vicki decides it's time to pay back Mrs. Slater for 4 years of misery- they'll get her back with a prank and have their party anyway! One big one for the "house mother to end all house mothers"! That'll show her! All the girls are game except Katy, who thinks it's all immature and they should just let it go. She's outnumbered though, and caves to peer pressure. I don't get it- I mean, "Just say no" had been coined by this point, and she should've stuck to her guns. Oh well. It's prankin' time!

Hoo, boy, and what a prank it is. The girls continue to set up for the big party, and when Mrs. Slater walks in on their streamer-hangin' she's furious and orders the girls out of the house at once. Vicki casually asks Mrs. Slater if she's forgetting something- she's sans cane, and Vicki knows where it is. The girls lead the old bat out to the pool, which is bright green and filled with crud. And there, out in the middle of the putrid water atop a floating tire, sits the cane. Vicki tells her to go get it. Slater refuses and walks towards the girls, at which point Vicki pulls out a gun she got from her boyfriend and points it at Slater. Ha ha! This sure beats the old "panties in the freezer" gag, don't it? Mrs. Slater ends up getting shot dead- Vicki didn't know the gun was loaded- and the girls, in a panic, decide to dump the body in the pool. Once again, Katy is the voice of protest, and once again Katy is outnumbered and caves.

The girls have their big party that night, and the girls begin to disappear...is it Mrs. Slater? Was she still alive when they threw her in the pool? The plot expands and expands, and I ain't tellin' what happens.

I really liked this movie. The murder cover-up plot thread sets it apart from most slashers, which tend to have plots like a bunch of people are in the same place at the same time and end up getting killed. There's not ALOT of gore...though I will say that someone's head winds up in a toilet, and it's not due to too much Zima. Most of the killing/cane-fu is implied yet cringe-worthy: particularly the silhouetted offing of one girl. Yes...I called it "cane-fu". Katy, our final girl, reminded me of Laurie Strode from Halloween- she's smart, mature, and the voice of reason amongst all her "good-time girl" friends. She's not quite as likable as Laurie, but I think some of that's owed to the skills of Jamie Lee Curtis. So hey you, check out this overlooked gem that I give 8 out of 10 sweet sweet waterbed lovemakings.

For more information, you can read a super swell interview with the director, Mark Rosman, from the fine folks at Terror Trap, where he talks about alternate endings and other good stuff.

Hey kids...

...I had to have a cat put down today and I can't say I really feel like watching a scary movie and trying to think of things to write about it. I just feel like crying a lot.

I'll be back on track soon.

Day 9- zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.....huh? Whazzat? Where am I? Where are my pants? What the-?

Oh! Ahem...it's you, dear reader. Hi. Sorry, I must've dozed off for a while there during tonight's feature presentation, the 1981 slasher Graduation Day. Maybe that's why it says on the video box "You won't want to see this alone!": you need someone to jab you in the ribs when you fall asleep.

Talk about your pieces of crap. Wow. This movie is a prime example of the rush to put out slasher upon slasher after the success of Friday the 13th. Strictly dullsville, daddy-o. I will say, however, that I never expected to see the names Linnea Quigley and Vanna White roll by in the same credits. Yes, the B-Movie Boob Queen and America's Letter-Turnin' Sweetheart, on the silver screen together at last. Personally, I'd rather see them as an antagonistic buddy-cop duo, but even pairing them under those circumstances has the eerie ring of a Nostradamus doomsday prediction.

High school track superstar Laura (Ruth Ann Llorens) keels over dead at the finish line after a record-breaking race. Over the next couple of days, the rest of the track team ends up murdered one by one, leading up to...Graduation Day. Who could be killing these young athletes? Could it be...
...Laura's sister Anne (Patch Mackenzie), home from the Navy for the graduation ceremonies?
...the lecherous principal (Michael Pataki), who cuts up his apple with a deadly switchblade?
...Laura's track coach (Christopher George), who screams at his athletes AND who got fired after Laura's death?
...the creepy dope-smoking cop (Virgil Frye)?
...or Laura's boyfriend Kevin (E. Danny Murphy), who just can't seem to get over Laura's death?

HINT: It's the boyfriend. He blamed the coach and the track team, feeling that their pushing Laura so very hard to acheive is what lead to her fatal blood clot on that sad, sad day. He makes them all pay, then goes home to Laura's corpse, which he's dressed in cap and gown and plopped in a rocking chair.

This is one of those movies that you just want to END, and it NEVER SEEMS TO. The killer comes back 3 times too many, the red herrings are so poorly laid on as to be ludicrous (everyone in town owns a stopwatch?), the deaths are just laughable...although I will say that Kevin does employ what I believe to be the single greatest weapon in the history of the slasher: the football with a sword attached. It's thrown with such gusto that only the football itself stops it from passing completely through the victim.

So, there's three things I took away from Graduation Day that I will cherish forever and ever: the football with a sword attached, a fervent desire to change my name to "Patch Mackenzie", and a fantastic pickup line: "Do you like snakes? I call this my little cobra.". Without those three magic beans, I'd give this movie 2 stars- but with 'em, it's elevated to 2-and-three-quarters bloody mortar boards*!

*NOTE: film contains no bloody mortar boards