FINAL GIRL explores the slasher flicks of the '70s and '80s...and all the other horror movies I feel like talking about, too. This is life on the EDGE, so beware yon spoilers!

Oct 20, 2015




Final Girl


It is the small hours of the morning and most of the world is asleep. Occasionally we see lights from a passing car through the darkened windows. The sound of a light rain can be heard in the quiet moments. FINAL GIRL enters with a mug of tea. She briefly eyes the heater, thinking; it is chilly enough to warrant turning it on, but it is loud. After a moment of consideration, FINAL GIRL leaves the room and returns with a blanket. She sits on the couch, presses a button on her game controller, and Stonehearst Asylum begins to play on the TV.

I am so ready for this! A big, luscious, gothic flick based on a work by Edgar Allan Poe...Brad Anderson giving good asylum like he did in Session 9...there's no way this won't rule.
Onscreen, a carriage pulls up at the gates to Stonehearst Asylum. There is fog and snow and bare trees; when the distant asylum finally comes into view, it is monstrous. Gables pierce the skyline like teeth from a giant beast. There is a great sense of foreboding as young DR. NEWGATE stares.

Oh fuck yeah!
Twenty minutes later. FINAL GIRL's mug sits on the table, empty. She has sunk down some, further under the blanket...although whether this is from the cold or lethargy we cannot yet tell.

That was quite a twist they gave away fairly early...hmm. It was a good one! I am enjoying myself, yes, I certainly am, although this film is not in the slightest horror-flavored. I admit, that is a disappointment, but it's not really the movie's fault, now, is it. It is still an old-timey lunatic asylum, which is of interest to me. Yes, I am certain I will continue to enjoy this movie.
One hour later. FINAL GIRL now lies on her side, blanket up to her chin. It is chilly! Despite the hour, she is awake; Stonehearst Asylum seems to be holding her attention, at least. She reaches out and presses a button on the game controller.

Holy fuck, how does this have another half hour left? I'm not really hating it or hating my life or anything, it's...this feels a bit bloated. I don't mind a two-hour movie, and I don't mind a slow movie, but this could use with some judicious editing, I think. I'm not bored per se, and I'm curious about how things will proceed. I just...want them to proceed already. And now I'm a bit bummed that this isn't horror. This is SHOCKtober! What a drag. How in the hell am I going to write about this...?
We have reached the end of the journey; Stonehearst Asylum has about seven minutes left. FINAL GIRL is now sitting upright.

Are you fucking kidding me with this? I was rooting for you, Stonehearst Asylum. We were all rooting for you, and then you give me this? I accepted you on your own non-horror terms! I was willing to love you for what you are! You started out just fine, and I was into you. I wasn't even mad that Kate Beckinsale kind of only has one facial expression. But this nonsense ending, no. No, I won't accept it. Congratulations, your last ten minutes gets five fart noises out of five. And now that you're finished, I'm going to think about whether I'm really going to use the term "fart noises" when I write about you. See what you've reduced me to? Do you see?
FINAL GIRL turns off the TV, moves to the lamp on the table. Cut to black.



CashBailey said...

Has Kate Beckinsale ever given anything approaching a memorable performance?

Yes, she's incredibly photogenic but she seems to pose rather than act.

Stacie Ponder said...

I don't think I've actually seen her in of the Underworlds, Whiteout, and fucking Tiptoes (that that movie even EXISTS...). She's...pretty bad. But she seems nice so I root for her.