FINAL GIRL explores the slasher flicks of the '70s and '80s...and all the other horror movies I feel like talking about, too. This is life on the EDGE, so beware yon spoilers!

Oct 11, 2015

Day 11: DEVIL SEED (2012)

I try as best I can to live a life without regret. Please, don't get me wrong; like everyone else on the planet, I have made mistakes and done bad things and made poor choices. I've done a lot of regrettable things! My 8th grade mullet and penchant for hawaiian shirts? Beyond regrettable. Not buying that prop newspaper from Co-Ed Call Girl at Tori Spelling's yard sale? Ugh, what, did I not bring my brain along with me that day? When I say "a life without regret", I don't mean I haven't done asshole things to myself and/or others, or that asshole things haven't happened to me because of decisions I've made. What I mean is that I try to learn from these incidents. Make amends, make changes, whatever, and move on. Living saddled with regret means you're weighed down my those awful things, and you're not going forward. Basically, I try not to wallow.

That said, sometimes it's hard. Sometimes you end up in a situation from which you cannot easily extricate yourself, and your failings just sit there in front of your face, teasing you mercilessly. "Bet you wish you'd made a different choice, huh? Bet you rue the day this idea came into your head!"

YES THAT'S RIGHT, DEVIL SEED. I regret the day I chose you as part of the SHOCKtober lineup. I regret that by the time I am done with this review, I will have spent several hours in your company–hours I will never get back. And I could use them! I have a finite time on this planet, and I have a lot of shit to do.

I just...arrgh. It wasn't five minutes into this steaming hot pile of garbage that I wondered why in the hell I added it to the SHOCKtober schedule. In those five minutes, there was one exorcism boob on display (because...of course) and two sex boobs and a "cool" "rock n roll" credit sequence. Look, boobs are great, and I am obviously very cool (mullet and Hawaiian shirts, hello) and the Joan Jett version of "I Love Rock n Roll" is pretty much my life story. But the first five minutes of Devil Seed gave me a very bad feeling, and I knew that I'd made a huge mistake. And when you realize that early on in a movie that you've made a huge mistake, well, it sets a certain tone for the evening. A tone of DOOM.

After a night at the bar, some college girl and her drunk roommate (fuck learning the names of anyone or anything, my life essences are draining away) stop by a psychic's place for a palm reading. For some reason, some college girl becomes possessed.

We know she's possessed because totally weird things start to happen: items move around on their own, weird doodles appear in her books, she's fondled by invisible hands as she sleeps, she says inappropriate things, and children look at her. We're subjected to countless conversations that are either

"You don't remember doing that? You totally did that."
"No, I don't remember."
(continues for five minutes)


"What's the matter?"
"I feel like I'm going crazy!"
(continues for five minutes)

Things sort of escalate. We find out that Some College Girl is a virgin, and if you think, "Oh, so the word "seed" in Devil Seed...I guess Satan wants to plant a baby garden!" then you know what is up. Some College Girl gets occasional corn teeth (duh, of course she does, she's possessed) and I guess she's raped by Satan and like an hour in there is another pair of boobs–shower boobs this time, but they're the same boobs as the sex boobs so I don't know if they really count toward a final tally, for those of you out there on Boob Watch.

None of this isn't the same thing we've seen done better at least ten to the tenth times, you know? And when I say "the same thing", I mean that Devil Seed actually decided to be be the Dollar Tree Exorcist and give us a bargain basement spider walk and pee on the floor scene. I felt...why, I felt indignant. I mean, how fucking dare you, Devil Seed? At that point, I wanted to fight this movie. Like physically. I wanted to get all Krystle vs Alexis on Dynasty and grab Devil Seed by the hair and throw it in the fucking pool. Fuck this movie!

Although I have to admit, this made me laugh for several minutes, and I rewound it many times, so my time spent with Devil Seed wasn't a complete loss.

Look, if you want to know how fucking janky Devil Seed is without actually having to endure it, here you go.

from the (useless) prologue:

from the end credits:

Is it 1972 or 1970? If you can't even give a shit enough to keep your own stupid timeline straight, Devil Seed, then why should I care? And I will spare you the indignity of bringing up those all-cap names. WHY ARE THEY--oh wait, I'm sparing you.

To anyone out there who actually watched this pile because it was a part of SHOCKtober, I am truly sorry. Self, I am sorry. I absolutely regret it, but we must move on! We cannot wallow in the misery this wretched film has shat upon us. We're only 1/3 of the way through the month, and I'm sure many more bad movies await!


Zoom said...

For a treat.. (I found this completely on accident) listen to Sylvester's "You make me feel mighty real" and watch that gif of the chick sliding down the hallway. Pure disco possession gold.

CashBailey said...

That GIF...

I'll be laughing at that all day, most likely imaging a 'SPROINNNG!!' sound effect.