FINAL GIRL explores the slasher flicks of the '70s and '80s...and all the other horror movies I feel like talking about, too. This is life on the EDGE, so beware yon spoilers!

Jan 13, 2006

The Final Girl Hall of Infamy

Just as I promised, kids, here's a rundown of the worst slasher killers to grace the screen- in my humble opinion, of course. This list was actually tougher to compile than yesterday's, for I had to wax philosophical on such questions as- "What's lamer? A killer in no special garb at all? Or a killer in a stupid costume?". Decisions, decisions. Once again, the films themselves have no bearing on inclusion in this list. I do like some of these movies, even if the psychos themselves are less fear-inducing than Everybody Loves Raymond. Without further ado, here's the inductees for The Final Girl Hall of Infamy, 2006!
The killings in Night School are quite frightening to behold. The killer, sadly, is not. Crocodile Dundee would be proud of that knife, but the rest of the ensemble looks like it belongs on a bad guy from Renegade or Walker, Texas Ranger. Vroom vroom!
While the killer in Graduation Day does use my absolute favorite slasher weapon, the football- with- a- sword- attached, he looks like he's in the middle of gym class. A grey sweatsuit is frightening indeed, but not for the reasons they were going for in this flick.
Behold my scary, scary jean jacket! I'm... going to... glare at you while I sweat! Yeah, that's it! Booga booga! This guy from Slumber Party Massacre might be a big ol' drill-wielding pervert, but scary-looking he ain't. The glistening sweat sheen is gross, though, I'll give him that.
The next entry in the "normal guys doing nothing scary are not scary, dammit" category* is this non- threatening fellow from Pranks. I'm having trouble deciding which of the following is the biggest reason he's so very dull: the light blue t-shirt, the feathered hair, or the fact that he has no weapon. You're a triple threat of boredom there, dude. *see also: He Knows You're Alone
Oh, you know I loves me some Silent Night, Deadly Night 2. As Ricky, Eric Freeman chews up the scenery like it's made out of Rice Krispie Treats, and I couldn't be happier. I could, however, be more scared. Look at that mug! The only thing scary here is the bad, oh so very bad overacting.
Fie thee, The Last Slumber Party! A pox on your house! Sores on your private no-no parts! These and many other bad things I wish upon thee, foul beast. Verily. This guy needs to learn a thing or two about hamming it up from Eric Freeman. He does, however, repeatedly hold a scalpel up the the camera in a threatening fashion...and he's still not in the least bit terrifying.
OK, I know I'm supposed to find the killer in Terror Train scary. I know I am, but I look at this picture and I just have to laugh. He looks like Gene Shalit! Gene Shalit, staring at me... stalking me...whoa. Wait a minute...that is scary.
Maybe... maybe, if done absolutely right, there's a chance that a psycho in a mascot outfit might be a little bit... unsettling. I doubt it, but I always like to have hope- that's just how I roll. What this geek from Girls Nite Out shows us, however, is that if your mascot looks like a simpleton bear wearing a toupee, there's no chance in hell.
Oh my dear god, do I love Killer Workout. Really, truly, I adore this movie. The videotape is one of the true gems of my collection. I'm going to write a nice, juicy post about it one of these days, whenever I feel I can do justice to a slasher movie set in an aerobics studio. Until then, though, feast your eyes on Rhonda and her weapon of choice, the oversized novelty safety pin. I love the fact that she's posing for us with her oversized novelty safety pin. She's not scary in the least, but she rocks my face off anyway.
Sweet, sweet Charles Nelson Reilly above, won't someone save us from the killer in Slumber Party Massacre 2? Please? Not because I'm afraid of him, but because I'm afraid I may gouge my own eyes out just so there's never a chance that I'll see him again. Yes, readers, the top spot in The Final Girl Hall of Infamy belongs to this tool, the worst slasher psycho I've ever witnessed. He's the resurrected killer from Slumber Party Massacre, and somehow he's sprung forth from the dreams of Crystal Bernard of television's Wings. As if that idea isn't the worst you've ever heard, you should know that he comes to life as a "rock and roller"- complete with silver-tipped, high-heeled boots and tassels on his black leather jacket. He dances, he sings, he does the fucking worm and spins on his back. There are many musical montages, wherein he dances around acting "cool" while he chases his intended victims. I repeat: there are musical montages. He does the worm. It sounds alot more fun than it actually is, believe me. The scariest thing about the whole affair is that I've actually sat through it all. On a final note, I present the Lifetime Achievement Award to my favorite movie psycho. She's not scary, yet she's not unscary. She's very righteous, and if you're a racist, a drug-taker, a fornicator, a cheerleader, or a bad rapper, she will take you down. She used to have a penis, but now she's a girl and just as cute as a button. She wields a mean acoustic guitar as well as a mean lawn mower, and she is one Happy Camper. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you Angela from Sleepaway Camp 2: Unhappy Campers and Sleepaway Camp 3: Teenage Wasteland. Bravo! Again, feel free to list your favorite terrible killers. I do so love a list. The clock is ticking kids, and at 11:59pm EST tonight, my Silent Hill 2 Giveaway Contest will turn back into a pumpkin. Don't miss your chance to enter! Follow the link for the rules. Happy Friday the 13th, everybody!


-pbd said...

Silent Night, Deadly Night 2, I love that movie...I liked the first, too...but this one was better.


Anonymous said...

Congrats on the hall of fame posts, both of them are fantastic! I even found a couple of slashers I never knew of and some of the sad excuses for a slasher villain are really over the top :)

John Barleycorn said...

Goddamn it, Stacie. This post is hilarious.

Here I was. Sitting calmly at my computer. Open beer on the desk. Cats playing with their toys in the living room.

Then I see your #1 killer - the duder in the black leather. A chuckle escapes my mouth. Then a guffaw.

I return to the beginning of the list, just to see the absolutely fucking ridiculous pictures you've managed to scrape up for your insightful presentation.

I stay, for one moment, on the scalpel guy from The Last Slumber Party. Then I inch down and see fucking Gene Shalit from Terror Train.

Then I laughed so much I farted. Yes, let out a big loud toot. Shook the chair a little.

I expect grossly overweight half-blind 'tards to fart while they laugh, not twenty-three year old college graduates.

Alas ... I tooted.

Stacie Ponder said...

"Then I laughed so much I farted."

That is, undoubtedly, the highest compliment I could ever hope to get. Your farts...complete me.

Gene fucking Shalit.

warrenzone said...

this is a great list!! Angela #1!!!

Anonymous said...

Ah man, I ADORE all of these movies. Anyway, Graduation Day has Christopher George in it, so it's just got to be rawkin', no?

And yeah, I'm the sucker who loves He Knows You're Alone. So much so, I have the lobby card in my cubicle at work!

Great list!

Amanda By Night

Anonymous said...

I liked Girls Nite Out. It's sitting in my living room right now, and I have some fond memories of watching Vicki (from Friday the 13th Part II) die once again. However, I agree with you. The bear mascot costume was awesome, but not in a scary way.


Tuwa said...

You love Rhonda too!? I wrote about Killer Workout in my guest post too; it's going up in a couple of weeks.

Good post; I don't remember all of the killer sbut I've seen some of them.

Anonymous said...

Angela rocks! Good choice for no. 1.

Anonymous said...

The scariest person pictured there is Tom Selleck...seriously, he's like leering through a window

Anonymous said...

I'd have to add the two killers from the new Black Christmas (possibly the worst film I've ever seen).

Anonymous said...

Sigh, now I'm wondering where my Killer Workout VHS is. Ex wife probably sold it in a yard sale. Maybe I can find it in a set like Night Chills.

Thomas Duke said...

I too love my Killer Workout VHS, but it shows quite a bit of wear and tear. I have also seen Death Spa and Hell Spa, but they pale in comparison. Well, a couple of notes about these killers:

-The killer in Pranks is clearly wearing Chuck Taylors, as is the homeless red herring, but I believe that the "actual" killer dude pictured is wearing some other type of shoe. Not only is the killer annoying, he is inconsistent with his footwear (or possibly in cahoots).

-Rhonda's motive is that her beauty has now been destroyed, yet she is smoking hot with all of her plastic surgery and what have you (and the leotard). For all we know, she may look better then she did before. Then again, maybe if someone were to get frisky with her, parts might start falling off, thereby repulsing those who love her. Maybe that's the real issue.

-I think it's lame that the rockabilly schmuck from SPMII uses a heavy metal guitar. He should have like a Gretsch or something with a drill on the end. IT MAKES NO SENSE!

-I personally feel that The Last Slumber Party has the worst villian in slasher history, particularly because he always uses the same scalpel, one of those dimestore jobs that just messily shoots out blood near someone's throat. At least stab people in the eye with it.