FINAL GIRL explores the slasher flicks of the '70s and '80s...and all the other horror movies I feel like talking about, too. This is life on the EDGE, so beware yon spoilers!

Jul 16, 2013

Outlander, take back your Corn-ening!

Well dudes and y'all, it's over. Can you believe it? A mere 17 hours or so ago, The Corn-ening lay before us all like a field about to sprout. Now it lies behind us like a field that is...dead, I guess. I don't know. Look, I'm pretty numb. And yet, like a gift that keeps on giving, I figured I'd do a little wrap-up so we can all assess exactly what we've been through. The good news is, what we've been through wasn't as hellish as I anticipated! The bad news is...wait, there is no bad news. We are the champions, my friends, and we kept on Corn-ening 'til the end.

Here are some random numbers and facts and whatever, a veritable post-game showcase showdown!
  • Films in which someone is crucified on a corn cross: 1, 8. I expected to see more of it, but I'm glad I didn't. Absence makes the heart grow fonder and all that.*
  • Films that feature giant explosions: 1-3, 5-7. I bet Michael Bay is a huge CotC fan.
  • Films that feature bugs coming out of peoples' mouths: 3 (real bugs), 7 (computer bugs).
  • Films that feature boobs: only 7! And only briefly. This shocked me. I mean, you can't make a horror movie that doesn't show boobs, right? RIGHT?
  • WTF, after the first film no one used "outlander" anymore; it became "outsider" which is just dullsville terminology.
  • Malachi is still the child of the corn I love to hate.
  • I am so sick of typing "children" and "corn", you have no idea.
  • My sanity is intact! I am flabbergasted.
  • The best film in the series: The first one. No wait, Urban Harvest. Mmm, it's a tie. No wait, but that remote control wheelchair in The Final Sacrifice...ahh don't make me choose!
  • Money raised for Alexandra West and her roommate Jo thanks to you guys: I have no idea, but I hope some.
*as someone on Faceplace pointed out, there is a corn crucifiction- corncifiction?- at the beginning of 3. That is true! I guess I was thinking more along the lines of a "sacrificial" corncifiction, with the corn headband, whereas that dude in 3 was scarecrowed. It's a fine line when it comes to these things!

I think we all learned a lot during the course of this day, don't you? I learned that this series is not as awful as I figured it would be. I learned that corn can grow fucking anywhere. I learned that children are not to be trusted. Wait, I knew that already.

Goodnight, outlanders!

No comments: