FINAL GIRL explores the slasher flicks of the '70s and '80s...and all the other horror movies I feel like talking about, too. This is life on the EDGE, so beware yon spoilers!

Jul 15, 2013

Children of the Corn 666: Isaac's Return

SPOILER ALERT: Isaac totally returns in this one! Oh wait, that's in the title.'s true. Isaac returns to wreak some Behind the Rows havoc and no, that is not a euphemism.

But how does Isaac return? Wasn't he killed way back when in the original Children of the Corn...? Pfft, man, you just thought that. Like a character in all of the best soap operas, he was in a coma in a mental hospital all this time. Then suddenly he's back from outer space (or Southfork or wherever you go when you're in a coma) and ready to fulfill a prophecy: a prophecy that involves a pregnancy ritual, just like in all the best movies that feature prophecies being fulfilled.

Isaac's Return (1999) is truly the Halloween H20 of the Children of the Corn series; much as that film disregarded Halloween parts 3-6 and brought back the OG Laurie Strode, CotC 666 boots the previous four films out the door and gets back to Behind the Rows biz-nass and how many times do I have to tell you that's not a euphemism?

Anyway, back in Gatlin something something children of the original children (of the corn), something giving birth to a baby that will start a new pure race (of what, exactly, I am not sure...corn people, maybe?), something something it ends in an explosion (OF COURSE), something something Nancy Allen is in this and that is the biggest selling point, no doubt. It's for sure better than Part V (shudder), and while I'm kind of blowing it off it's not really a super horrible film. Of course, I could just be going soft on it because my GD brain is going soft from enduring 13 hours of Children of the Corn movies so far. But I don't think so. Maybe. Maybe? But it wasn't that bad? It's a standard run-of-the-mill pregnancy prophecy flick that unfortunately devolves into the bad guy entering "I'm ca-RAY-zay!" territory, but it's more in line with the vibe of the original film than any other sequel so far. And it's good to have Isaac back, that little asshole. *cries*

Sakes alive, only two more films! Time sure flies when you're gettin' your corn on. And yes, that is a euphemism.

Hey, time for another reminder: today is the Corn-ening-a-thon. If you haven't pitched in to the Alex and Jo fund, please consider it!

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