FINAL GIRL explores the slasher flicks of the '70s and '80s...and all the other horror movies I feel like talking about, too. This is life on the EDGE, so beware yon spoilers!

Aug 12, 2010

A Waste of Time

I spent about 77 minutes of my life watching the lesbian-ish vampires-in-a-brothel flick A Feast of Flesh and I really feel like...that's enough. That's all I have to give to it. I don't even want to spend 77 seconds reviewing it, so I have chosen two screencaps which I feel will sum up my miserable experience whilst saving me precious moments that would be better spent doing something else entirely, like perhaps punching myself in the face repeatedly.

1) The distributor's disclaimer. For fuck's sake, the least you can do is use spellcheck.

2) The lady victim here is supposed to be a) dead and b) tied to the bed. The filmmakers have avoided the question "How do you tie someone to the headboard, exactly?" by not tying her wrist at all.

There. I just saved you 77 painful minutes. The things I do for you kids, I swear!


Andrew said...

Damn, I'm still waiting for the Citizen Kane of lesbian vampire movies to come along....

Anonymous said...

daughters of darkness is surely the citizen kane of lesbian vampire flicks?


Drew Kingsbury said...

Taste of Flesh, Taste of Fear is definitely the Citizen Kane of lesbian vampire doll movies!

Thomas Duke said...

The great thing about punching yourself in the face for 77 minutes is that it feels like six hours or so. Therefore, you can get more out of your day that way. I think that's right.

Slyde said...

ouch! i had this on my netflix queue, too.

thanks for the extra 77 minutes of my life...

Neil Fulwood said...

Spelling "affiliates" correctly but fucking up on "solely" is pretty impressive. In a let's-rape-the-English-language kind of way.

Banned In Queensland said...

Distributors fuck things up all the time. This is not the fault of the film-maker (unless the film-maker is the distributor, of course).

If I had a dollar for every incorrect spec. printed on the back of a DVD cover I'd have enough money to buy that huge James Bond box set and drop it on a distributor’s head.

I realise that this does not change the fact that A Feast Of Flesh is still, most probably, the unmitigated turd you say it is, so I thank you for warning us about this atrocity. But, regardless of what other crimes a film-maker may have committed, I don’t like to see them blamed for the sloppy work of their distributor.

Yes, I am serious, and don’t call me Soley.

HH said...

But they're famous in Pittsburgh, though.

A Sound Mind said...

Wow. I didn't think it was possible to go wrong with lesbian vampires. Another earth shattering blow to my outlook on life.

Stacie Ponder said...

I don't blame the filmmakers for the distributor's fuck-up at all. However, I think that if you've got a distributor who can't be bothered to run their disclaimer past an editor or spellchecker, then it's probably a good indicator that the movies they distribute won't be of the highest quality. This is simply a case in point.

spazmo said...

Maybe it's a magnetic headboard and the topless lady is wearing metallic nailpolish!

Lesbian vampires are a distinguished genre staple and all, but it would be quite refreshing to see a lesbian Frankenstein movie once in a while.

Anonymous said...

So many people don't care about global warming. They disregard the need for conservation and instead drive SUVs. They don't care about the Federal deficit/debt (outside of partisanship) and they don't care earning $400k for an $80,000/year job will eventually bankrupt the country. They have awarded themselves $400k pay and retirement packages, loading up their friends on the payroll during the boom 90s through the real estate bust while all services which the program were intended to fund now get cut to pay for it.
These people are often common public university labor. Not Ivy League, not private university.
This labor isn't good enough to earn the salaries they are earning. And they understood this when they applied to the public university they settled on.
You can't expect a top-tier salary with a second-rate education.
They think they are going sometime during/at the end of this life, and disregard the poor souls who are left behind.
Sounds like the Italians who were used to plan World War II and the Holocaust, and not by accident.
These are the people who will be here in the United States when bankruptcy is declared and society deteriorates into chaos. And they will deserve the anarchy which ensues.

The gods used the Italians to ruin life in the 20th century.
The gods used the Italians to ruin life in A.D. with The Church.
The Church controlled Western Civilization. As the largest land owner in Europe they controlled the monarchies. They were responsbile for slavery, revenge for African invasion and rape of Italy. They created religious discontent, ultimately leading to the disfavored dumping ground known as the United States.
And each generation of these Italians were sold on "earning", only to be reincarnated as a lesser life form subsequently, punishment for their evil.
"The West Bank, where the end of the world will begin." With xtianity.

The gods are the commensurate rapist pathology, focussed on control.
It is appropriate they picked the Italians for the downfall of man. The perception offered is exactly how the gods are. Unfortunate for the Italians, they were deliberately altered to match this pathology so the god's behavior could be justified in the context of the god's positioning.

I may not have learned as much as I have but I WOULD have gotten more done and made more progress, and at the end of this life that's all that matters. We will all be reincarnated and must re-learn about the gods and their methodology in each sucessive life.
The upside down star is my symbol. There is of course no Satan. That's just the gods with different clothes on.
You're all in big, big trouble. Everyone who failed to ascend before 1900 is. But the importance of this Situation is to ensure people learn the god's system while they have enough time to fix their relationship and ascend before The End.
Don't forget:::Ascending into "heaven" is not the same as entering clone hosting. One is good while the other is evil. The clue is their request to work multiple clone hosts to "earn", for if you were welcome into heaven you would be invited directly. My example of someone who ascended is John Muir. His "fake" went on to accomplish BUT NOT IN A DISCIPLINE WHICH HURT PEOPLE OR PROVIDED FOR SOME TEMPTATION. What happens after speaks volumes.
You're on the clock. This is where the cream rises to the top.

If just then I am The Damned and this shouldn't have happened to me. If unjust the gods are immoral and a total waste of time. For all of us.

Stacie Ponder said...

Okay, thanks. But how do you feel about A Feast of Flesh?