FINAL GIRL explores the slasher flicks of the '70s and '80s...and all the other horror movies I feel like talking about, too. This is life on the EDGE, so beware yon spoilers!

Jan 30, 2008

remake shmremake

By now you've probably already heard the news that Michael Bay and his Platinum Dunes lackeys have sunk their filthy claws into the Nightmare on Elm Street franchise and somethin's a-brewin'- whether remake or prequel, no one is yet sure. Whatever happens, it's become obvious that Bay intends to shit on as many classic horror properties as he possibly can. Yay!

I realize, of course, that I tossed the notion of a Nightmare remake around not so terribly long ago. Now that the possibility is actually here, though, I find that it's a bit like your wedding day when the doors open and you look down the aisle and spot the person you're about to marry and they're totally nice enough but, let's face it, not all that attractive and you have that sinking feeling like "Oh dear, I have to look at that for the rest of my life?" and you decide that it wasn't that great of an idea to begin with.

Or something like that.

Anyway, there's no point in getting up in arms about remakes because they're just not going anywhere; it is always fun to get up in arms over Michael Bay, however. I will say that both Mr T and I pity the poor fool who steps into the role of Freddy Krueger- Robert Englund has left a pretty big knifey-glovey to fill.

Or something like that.



Jason Adams said...

My first reaction to that photograph: I must find some bleach to drink right this second.

My second reaction: Ya know, it's actually not that difficult to believe that underneath all that make-up that pretty pretty princess Efron wears there's a scar-faced ghoul who like to rape children. I think Disney actually has that in their contracts these days.

Sarah said...

Another blog I read suggested "the blond girl from Gossip Girl." However, they forgot that there's two blond girls on Gossip Girl.

You've heard about the My Bloody Valentine re-make too, right?

At least The Evil Dead remake is kaput for now.

MC said...

See, I thought they were going to make Freddy Wilifred myself and cast Ashley Tisdale.

Guess I was wrong.

Anonymous said...

I'm still waiting for the remake of The Mutilator.

Some day...

Anonymous said...




...I am violently opposed to this.

So help me God, when it comes to pass, I will be outside the theater with a picket sign.

Anonymous said...

Yeah, you make a good point, there. What's the point of being mad anymore? People will see it just to complain, and then be angry when it makes money.

Sad day.

Craig Blamer said...

I suppose it all depends on where they go with it... I always felt that none of the films ever really delivered on the premise. That's me, though.

Of course, they could always go full circle and cast Johnny Depp as Krueger... that'd be something.

I don't know what it'd be, but it'd be something.

John Doe said...

Of course, they could always go full circle and cast Johnny Depp as Krueger... that'd be something.

I don't know what it'd be, but it'd be something.

I used to think it would be great to see Sean Connery come back as a Bond villain.

Then came the Avengers remake.

I still haven't forgiven myself.

Unknown said...

This makes me angry. Why not just rerelease the original film? It's a lot cheaper and the movie is ::gasp:: still good!

cripes. I know remakes aren't going away but it doesn't mean I have to like them.

Unoriginal bastards.

Anonymous said...

So Englund's not going to do this?
I heard that he doesn't know anything about it but I mean, if I was making a Nightmare movie I'd go to him, just because it's like a legacy.

Jonathan said...

I think the lack of Englund is why I really can't see this working. I love the hell out of "Halloween," but at least I could see someone else playing Myers; Jason, for that matter isn't a big deal in the recasting area either. Hell, a "Friday the 13th" remake is fine considering you're only crapping on shitty films.

But how do you replace Englund? Maybe it's not quite as ominous a character, but think about how hard it was to watch Vince Vaughn replace Anthony Perkins in that terrible remake of "Psycho." Oy Vay!

RJ said...

That lil' bitch in guyliner is 10 times scarier than any makeup Robert Englund ever spread on his face

Anonymous said...

Bad, bad idea. I do agree it would be amusing to see Johnny Depp as Freddy Krueger, but I just don't think this movie is necessary.

Wake me up when the "Phantom of the Paradise" remake is getting somewhere...

John Barleycorn said...

If they remake it, they need to explore the child molestation part. I didn't like how it was simply alluded to -- it needs to be in your face disgusting and disturbing.

And with Effron in the lead role, Krueger can be a homo!

Anonymous said...

That last post was creepy.

Anonymous said...

I'm going to respectfully disagree, John barleycorn. I think alluding to Freddie's past crimes was a far more effective device then showing graphic child abuse. Horror films used to leave the really scary bits to our imagination, let's keep it that way.

Scary: finding an underground lair filled with bloody tattered children's clothes and a pile of teddy bears.

Not Scary, just gross: a prolonged scene of a child (or children) being tortured and violated.

My two cents.

Theron said...

What really scares me is the prospect of Brett Ratner directing the upcoming remake of "The Wolfman." Oh. My. God.

Stacie, why is Universal trying to destroy my childhood and send me into therapy?

Anonymous said...

Damn you! I'm still trying to NOT kill myself over the prospect of a My Bloody Valentine remake. As my favoritest movie EVAR (tied with Slepaway Camp) this upsets me. Why take the most perfect slasher EVAR and fuck it up?
As far as Nightmare goes, maybe they can get Johnny Depp to reprise his role. It's not that much of a stretch as I'm pretty sure the 90210 kids are still playing teens somewhere. Ha ha ha! ...
I, uh, hate my life.
Fuck you, Michael Bay.

Stacie Ponder said...

I'm into the idea of a prequel, but not as your typical Nightmare flick- I'm thinking something a bit more serious that leads, maybe, up to Krueger's death at the hands of the Elm Street parents.

It certainly wouldn't need any explicit child abuse, but I think Krueger's history is interesting enough that it's worth exploring. In the film series, he eventually became a wisecracking joker who could turn into a motorcycle- it's like everyone forgot he was a child molester/murderer and he became a hero of sorts.

Of course, what I'd like to see is closer to psychological horror than slasher and it probably wouldn't fly.

Sarah said...

Bonnie, will you be my BFF? Sleepaway Camp and My Bloody Valentine are my two favorite slashers too!

Anonymous said...

Depp as Krueger really is a brilliant idea.

I predict that old dark housekeeper's comment will be the only good thing to come out of this debacle.

Anonymous said...

This My Bloody Valentine remake nonsense is clearly just a cynical attempt to cash in on the fact that Kevin Shields is getting the band back together. Or not.

Actually, MBV could totally soundtrack a horror movie (assuming the producers didn't mind pushing the release date back to 2025 or so). I'll start working on my haunted spaceship proposal post-haste.


Anonymous said...

Sarah, yes, I will be your BFF. No hesitation.

Unknown said...

Robert Englund will not be playing Freddy in the remake. =(