FINAL GIRL explores the slasher flicks of the '70s and '80s...and all the other horror movies I feel like talking about, too. This is life on the EDGE, so beware yon spoilers!

Jul 2, 2007

An audible cry for help

I'm sitting here staring at my computer monitor trying to muster up the energy to write a review for Silent Scream (2005) and I'm having trouble. I've seen so much garbage lately- it seems like 19 out of 20 films I watch are less-than-mediocre at best, and I'm wondering where all the good horror has gone. I know it's out there somewhere- it must be! Never give up hope! I just hope I can find some of it before I slip into a vortex of despair, a spiral of rage and pain from which I may never return.

The most notable thing about Silent Scream is the title. Sure, it's a terrible title, but it does bring about an interesting philosophical question- is there any such thing as a silent scream? Is that possible? Alright, so even that isn't overly interesting, but still- it distracts me from the awful movie. Does a scream require sound to rightfully be called a scream? Can everyone's favorite deaf-mute Helen Keller truly scream if she emits no sound? Or, instead of "screaming", is she simply opening her mouth and making a face? If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around, does it make a sound? If a tree falls in the forest and only Helen Keller is around, does it make a sound? These are burning Philosophy 101-style questions, don't you agree? Trust me, we'd all be better served if I spent the rest of this post ruminating and theorizing and postulating on these instead of discussing the film, but this is not Philosophy 101. This is Final Girl, where even the most horrendous horror films rule the roost.


Oh my Gawd. I wrote three paragraphs about this film and then promptly deleted them all. What's wrong with me? I'm beginning to think Silent Scream has broken my spirit. I can't do it. I just can't do it. Is this a serious case of The Mondays or is it something...more ominous?

Look! Silent Scream features both The Poor Man's Clay Aiken and The Poor Man's Sarah Michelle Gellar. Isn't that neat?

Sorry, I really don't know what to say here. The film manages to screw up the standard slasher formula (stereotypical horny teens hanging out in a remote location are stalked by a masked killer) with twist upon twist (it isn't really happening! Wait, yes it is!) in such a fashion that you really come to appreciate a slasher film that gets it right, like My Bloody Valentine.

I even tried to pretend I was back in the 1980s in an effort to appreciate Silent Scream as some sort of throwback to that era. Unfortunately, however, the kills are poorly shot and dull, there's no atmosphere or tension, the dialogue is lousy, there are plot holes galore, and the boobage is riddled with implant scars. If I really wanted to pretend I was back in the '80s, my time would have been better spent listening to Missing Persons and watching Friday the 13th Part 2.

In fact, that might just be the prescription to boost my spirits.


Amanda By Night said...

Try the 80s Silent Scream with Rebecca Balding, Yvonne DeCarlo and Rebecca Balding. That might give you back some of what THIS Silent Scream took away!

The 80s SS isn't a masterpiece either, but it's genuine in it's attempt to be good. And that makes a world of difference!

Anonymous said...

Hey...the review was funny! There's the bright side.

Count down to Killer Workout: I'm watching it this week.

Anonymous said...

Yikes, this sounds atrocious. Perhaps you should augment the "Missing Persons/Friday the 13th Part 2" scrip with some Grey Goose to help deaden the pain caused by this string of crappy movies...

M said...

In that second photo he looks like the poor man's Kenneth Branagh. Thanks for stopping this bullet for your readers, Stacie!

Anonymous said...

Oh yeah, one more thing:

Yvonne DeCarlo RIP. She was much more than just Lily Munster...

Rebecca said...

Hi Stacie,

Ever catch the cheese action horror classic Silent Rage with Chuck Norris? I think the video case made a recent cameo in the not-so-great Hot Fuzz, recently.

If I could recommend another movie that doesn't descend to total suckitude, I'd say check the 1988 flick called Scarecrows. It's got an original story with a pretty high creep factor. Just don't check the same director's later film Route 666. Yeesh...

Hang in there.

Anonymous said...

Man, I'd think the Smiths would be more in sync with the terrible, mournful mood established by this piece of dreck.

Last night I dreamt
That one Stacie watched it
No style, no fun
Just some more boob-job schlock

Anonymous said...

Damn the google/blogger daemons for the fiends they are... Screw it, I'll post anony then.

If you need a quick fix of decent or at least well attempted horror, have you been checking out the Master of Horror series (Notably Cig burns rocks)? They're short but so sweet compared to all the drek that's coming out. I've slogged through half of the Crapfest: 8 Movies someone should have died for (making me pay money to see) and I can honestly say I'd rather participate in a Fulci eye gag than watch them again... IF the latest crop is getting you this down then you need to start on your filmclub assignment. No spoilers from me but it should be re-affirmning for you. If it doesn't... Watch.. ummm... AUDITION :P you've been putting it off for a rainy day haven't you? Much like the 4th of July after the fireworks start, it seems to be raining for you lately.

Chop-a-holic in disguise.

Snarf said...

"If a tree falls in the forest and only Helen Keller is around, does it make a sound?" - Stacie, you are brilliant! I'll ponder this for a long time, I can feel it!

I will second the Masters Of Horrer recommendation, it is really good stuff!!!

Anonymous said...

Yeah,the 80s Silent Scream (with the scrumptiously awesome Rebecca Balding, who also starred in The Boogens) is cult movie coolness.

I'll second the shout out for 1988's Scarecrows. That movie caught me totally off guard with its being respectfully decent. Ditto the comment on Route 666...WTF happened there???

Jesse Hammer said...

Hey, Stac. I got a sure-fire cure for the slasher blues.

Behind The Mask - The Rise Of Leslie Vernon is about the best take on the slasher genre I have seen in a very long time.

It's half deconstruction of the genre and half kick-ass slasher movie mayhem.

If it don't put the wind back in your sails, I'd say your probably not breathing.

Anonymous said...

Better yet, if a tree falls on a mime, does he make a sound?

I will avoid this movie like a squashed mime...

Stacie Ponder said...

Thanks for the reccies, kids. I'll definitely take 'em under advisement.

Route 666...I believe I've seen that. With Lori Petty and Lou Diamond Phillips, yeah? Ugh. Awful.

And Leslie Vernon is the next Film Club pick, so I'll be getting to that one very shortly. :)

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