FINAL GIRL explores the slasher flicks of the '70s and '80s...and all the other horror movies I feel like talking about, too. This is life on the EDGE, so beware yon spoilers!

Mar 28, 2007

search and destroy

If this site was more of a "personal" blog...more journal-y, if you will...and had a title that was some "clever" play on my last name (Points to Ponder, Ponder's Ponderin's, etc), today I would probably talk about music.

ASIDE: by and large, I loathe "clever" blog titles like the two I mentioned above. They're akin to naming your hair salon Shear Magic or something...I hate that.

Yes, music. I'd probably mention that I'm still trying to cope with the break-up of my super awesome most favoritest band, though they've been gone for well on almost a year now. Then I'd mention that the only time they really made it into Rolling Stone magazine was when the publication trotted out their beyond lame-ass "Women in Rock!" issues- and then they'd put someone like Beyonce on the cover. After that, I'd point out how much Rolling Stone sucks anyway.

Then I might mention the fact that the last 10 songs on my iPod shuffle serve as a good indicator into how varied my musical tastes are. I'd use that to segue into brief essay positing that Disco Does Not, In Fact, Suck- no matter what the bumper stickers may have led you to believe. To add some weight to my argument, I'd submit "Take Your Time (Do It Right)" by the SOS Band and "Don't Leave Me This Way" by Thelma Houston as examples of great songs, regardless of genre. This would no doubt bring on a mini-rant about cultural elitism and how cultural snobs can kiss my ass.

Then I'd end by bringing it full circle and mentioning how depressing it is to live in a world where there will most likely be no new Sleater-Kinney albums and how could they break up like that after putting out their best record?

But this is a horror blog, so I won't talk about any of those things. Sadly, I don't really have much horror-related to talk about either, so I'll simply post a picture of my awesome and beloved Freddy Krueger candle and I'll revisit the popular feature These Are Some Google Search Terms People Have Typed In And Subsequently Found Their Way To Final Girl. No, I still haven't come up with a better title, and yes, by "popular" I mean "I think it's funny".

You can imagine some of the hits I get due to the fact that 1) the word "girl" is in the title of the blog and 2) I tend to, on occasion, use the word "fuck". OK, I use that word all the time...but the point is, if people are looking for, say, something naughty that would encompass both "girl" and "fuck" and my review of Shark Attack 3: Megalodon pops up in the search results, why do they click through? Perhaps I should take that as a compliment. I mean, I'm sure it's the power of my words that intrigues people. After all, Final Girl was recently named Most Kick-Ass Blog Evar and Blog Most Likely to Cause the World to Sing in Perfect Harmony, while I myself was named Blogger Who Is So Cool She's Like 50 Snake Plisskens In One in a ceremony I had here at my house. You should have seen the dress I wore! At any rate...

creepy dream at a street

-This one just made me laugh. What's that movie, with a creepy dream at a street? It's right on the tip of my tongue...

she takes in the ass girls

-That is so, so sweet of her, whoever "she" is. I remember the Behind the Music episode about The Ass Girls, and how their record label and producers totally took advantage of them and that despite the millions of copies of their remake of "Mornin' Train" they sold, they ended up penniless and homeless. I'm glad someone has taken them in, and I hope they stage a comeback soon.

sexy girl blog

-You're damn right it is!

in the shining how does danny deal with the shining?

-This one is among several that make me want to put out a PSA regarding tips on web searches and how to make them effective.

which star dressed entirely in black for the final 45 years of his off screen life?

-See above. That aside, anyone have any guesses? I have no clue.

mausoleum floozy

-I love love LOVE the word "floozy". It's so grandmotherly, and for some reason it reminds me of Mrs Roper.

mermaids they er reel they come up to me

-Aw,, they don't. They really don't.

leprechaun fart

-I'm so glad that, through Final Girl, I can contribute to society in meaningful and lasting ways.

movie girl killed by computer screen


poem about a game of hide-and-seek resulting in a bride dying in a chest

-Emily Dickinson's "Wild Nights! Wild Nights!"

worker boobs

-Again, that just makes me laugh. It's so blue collar!

movie from the 80s. I want me a jack, bum bum, bum bum

-Immediately I knew they were searching for Jumpin' Jack Flash, the movie also known as The Movie That Stacie Has An Inordinate Amount Of Love For And Yes She's The Only Person Who Feels That Way But It's One Of Those Unexplainable Things, Like This Album Cover.

who was the stripper whose name was freddie

-Umm...Freddie, maybe?

stop angelina jolie

-That's a cause I can totally get behind.


Anonymous said...

Wow, all I can say is:

"Mausoleum Floozy" sounds like a mondo-cool grindhouse flick from 1972 that I'd gladly pay to see...

"leprechaun fart" (lower case, of course) sounds like the name of some second-rate jam band that I wouldn't pay to see...

John Barleycorn said...

Those are awesome. Man, I wish mine were cooler. I made an entire post because someone was looking for hot shaved biker bitch snatch, or something, and that was the happiest day of my life. Turns out you get that all the time.

Sigh. Somehow people find me by looking for conjunctivitis. I'm going back to the unemployment line now.

(Insert sad Snoopy music featured in Arrested Development here.)

Jesse Hammer said...

No obscene searches for Shirley MacClane or Courtney Thorne-Smith? Damn.

Leprechaun farts are the new Botox.

Anonymous said...

Here's a little something to help with the sleater-kinney situation

a two hour live show from last year.

Anonymous said...

Yeah, those type of names do suck. But if you called it The Ponderosa and did the whole thing in over-the-top cowboy lingo? GOLD, BABY!

Anonymous said...

I guessed Sleater-Kinney before you mentioned them by name. Funny you should bring them up... I was listening to One Beat earlier today while I ran errands by bike.

God, I miss that band. I never got the chance to see them live, and it tears me up inside. At least they closed things out with style... The Woods is one of the best rock albums ever recorded, bar none. Still... yeah, it sucks. It is kind of cool to know, though, that in the years to come, Sleater-Kinney will no doubt remain one of those bands cool people bring up in each others' company to know that they're with other cool people. Kind of like Fugazi. They're a litmus test for awesome.

I think the person who searched for "creepy dream street" might be a non-English speaker trying to google something Nightmare-related, but that's just a guess.

Paco Fox said...


Congratulations for your blog: it's making my long hours at work somehow easier.

A contribution: my blog is also so varied in terms that it has some iteresting google queries. Not as glorious as 'Leprechaun farts', but also interesting. My favourite ever was "Breast implants acrobats". And issue we are all worried about.

Anonymous said...

S-K Live at Walloping Loser

It's only a handful of songs, but can get 'em for free if you sign up for a trial subscription.

-John (not associated with eMusic) ;)