"Come on down to Video World! Where we really fucking want you to rewind your rentals!"
Once upon a time, I saw a trailer in a theatre. The names of film in the trailer and the feature I was there to see both escape me, but they're inconsequential. The trailer was big and flashy, full of explosions and movie stars and action and music razzle and dazzle! And when it was over, I turned to my friend, shrugged a shoulder, and simply said "Nah."
It occurred to me later on how sort of sad it was to give such a brief dismissal to a film so many people had worked so very hard on. Hundreds of people! Hundreds of hours! Millions of dollars! Blood, sweat, tears, and who knows what other bodily fluids went into the thing, and when it was offered up for judgment...nah. Cast aside with a sneer and a shrug.
I think of that little scenario often. I definitely thought of it after watching Brotherhood of the Wolf, because here was this massive fantasy epic historical razzle dazzle effects-laden action thriller (I mean, you can just picture the "SEXY AND STYLISH!" - cool movies online.com poster-ready pullquotes while taking in this movie, I swear) and when it was over...nah.
WHEN IT WAS FINALLY FUCKING OVER I MEAN, because my gaaahd is this thing bloated like a 10-day-old river corpse. At the hour mark, I didn't think I was going to make it, especially when I realized there were nearly 90 more minutes to go. What a relief it was when those credits rolled! For fuck's sake, it felt endless.
What I am saying is, Brotherhood of the Wolf and I didn't really get along. I will cop to this mostly being my fault, however. I admit, I had a patriarchy-sized chip on my shoulder from the get-go because what the hell: the brotherhood is all about awesome wolves while the sisterhood gets some traveling fucking pants? How is this fair at all? What a world, what a world.
More than that, however, I went into this expecting some kind of werewolf movie. Yes, it's true! I had no idea what it was about, despite the fact that the videotape has been in my house for about five years. I just saw the world "wolf" in the title and assumed! My bad, my bad, y'all. It's not the first time this has happened, either. The Wolf of Wall Street and Airwolf were also big disappointments, but I guess it's on me to pay more attention to things. Or any attention, I guess.
Had I known, I wouldn't have wondered why there were so many kung fu fights and why the "monster" wasn't the focus. I still would have been angry at all the gawdawful slo-mo happening every ten seconds, because wow, way to take an effect and run it straight into the ground, Christophe Gans.
But, I mean, come on.
Look, I could have done with about an hour less of Brotherhood of the Wolf. I feel like it's taken enough of my life away already, so I don't want to spend any more of my precious, limited lifeforce telling you anything substantial such as what actually happens in the film. Nor will I give any reasoned criticisms of it. You'll get nothing more from me, movie, nothing! I'm not even going to finish writing the last sentence, that's how strongly I fee