Wow, it's been so long since I've busted out an Awesome Movie Poster Friday. I'm such a jerk! But you knew that, I'm sure. Anyway, since I recently wrapped VHS Week, I figured why not bring back one of my favorite things to feature here, VHS boxes. Aw yeah!
From the BUTTERFACE department, amirite? Honk honk!
From the BUTTERBOOBS department, amiri–WAIT WHY ARE THERE BOOBS UNDER THERE
Then there's the hair. Is this a skeleton playing a joke? With a wig and a stuffed shirt? Or did a cheerleader with a lot of secrets die a long time ago? SO MANY QUESTIONS
"Ma'am, now may not be the best time to tell you but I need to be honest: I can't see anything. Also, I have no idea what the fuck I'm doing."
Look, I really don't want to victim-blame here. But at what point do you find yourself a new gynecologist or whatever? When you realize his name is Dr. Sadism? When you get to the office park for your appointment and realize it's a castle? When the nurse comes out to the waiting room and is all "Right this way, please" and she leads you to a torture chamber? I mean, the clues that this would not work out well were kind of there, you have to admit.
"Hands"...by which we mean "forearms".
Looks like they're ready for Threesome on a Meathook, really, but props for those flawless blow-outs in the face of (sexy) danger.
*woman screams in terror as her throat is cut*
"VIDEO FOR PLEASURE"
Okay, given the perspective in this picture, I'd say he's got a good 6-10 feet to cover before he kicks her in the butt...but his foot is already up, so I assume he's going to hop at her in a menacing fashion.
Also, Stephanie, shoveling like that is a really good way to throw out your back, young lady!
Shout out to some of horror's tiniest victims:
PS- Hey The Nest, you really should have called her an "Amuse-roach"
I'm including this one because at first glance I thought it said "Satan Wrap":
And this one, at first I thought it said "Ninja Potato Whores" WHICH IS TOTALLY A MOVIE I WANT TO SEE but all of these misreads are making me think that maybe I have some kind of brain damage?
Here's exclusive footage of that tagline being written: