FINAL GIRL explores the slasher flicks of the '70s and '80s...and all the other horror movies I feel like talking about, too. This is life on the EDGE, so beware yon spoilers!

Aug 15, 2013

The Five Best Vampires

Lawd-a-lawdy, The Internet sure loves a list, don't it? And why not- they're easy to digest, like mashed potatoes. Who doesn't like mashed potatoes? Only jerks, no doubt. People also love getting incensed over lists: "I know this is a list of 10 zombie movies but I can't believe you left out these other 532986 zombie movies how could you you don't know what you're talking about this list sucks gfffarrrrgleeeeeee APOPLEXY"

Sometimes, when a person's blood is all fired up like that, he or she cannot understand that lists are generally meant to provoke conversation. Yes, if someone were to make a list of, say, the 20 most important slasher films and that list didn't include John Carpenter's Halloween, well, it would be right to question the exclusion and/or the sanity of the listmaker. In fact, that's exactly what I did many moons ago regarding a Top 10 Best Slasher Films list that included Cabin Fever. Final Girl was very young, and I was all "what in the what?" over it, all brazen brashness in a blazer (I WISH) as I took the mighty Kim Morgan to task over the inclusion of Eli Roth's film. What happened from there? She and I discussed that shit. In the years since (years, what the heck...Final Girl is a Final Woman now for sure), we have discussed much more. I discovered that although I disagree with her opinions once in a while, Kim Morgan knows her shit, I love her writing, and I'm always learning something new from her. My point is, lists! Debate! Learn! Grow! Hold hands and sway together, softly humming until you creep each other out.

Except this time.

That's right. My list of the Five Best Vampires is totally immutable! Why? Because it has been scientifically proven, in fact, to be a list of the Five Best Vampires.

Well, "scientifically proven" if you take my opinion as scientific fact, which you totally should.

Now then. You can just put away your debatin' hat and pull up your pants, my friends, because here it is, I'm layin' it down.


1. All lesbian vampires (except for the ones in this movie)

2. Mr. Barlow or Nosferatu, aka any creepy gross-looking vampire

3. Christopher Lee as Dracula

4. The vampire puppy from the end of Zoltan, Hound of Dracula

5. Zoltan, Hound of Dracula

And that's it! I know, you're going to say "But what about the dirty vampires in Near Dark?" or "You asshole, why isn't Eli from Let the Right One In on this list?" or "Go kill yourself, loser, Gary Oldman as Dracula is the best, this list is so lame and I repeat: go kill yourself"...but hey, sorry, man. You can't fight science!


Tom said...

I've never understood the appeal of Christopher Lee's Dracula movies. I've seen 4 of them or so, and I haven't enjoyed any scenes in any of them. Stacie, what is the appeal? Enlighten me!

Stacie Ponder said...

Maybe Hammer-style horror just isn't your thing...? That's okay.

Personally, I love the atmosphere and feel of them, that they truly capture that gothic feel with the castles and the horses and the flouncy tops. The I think Christopher Lee makes a terrific Dracula because he's both scary and sexy, he's got a commanding voice and presence. Dude is like ten feet tall. And, of course, Peter Cushing is a great foil.

But again, if it's just not your thing, there's nothing wrong with that. A lot of things aren't my thing!

Chris Hewson said...

Two spaces devoted to Zoltan: Hound of Dracula?! Truly this is a wise list! (And as far as I'm concerned, cute vampire dogs will always be better vamps than Gary Olsman's Dracula! haha!)

Have you ever seen Valerie and Her Week of Wonders? That had a very cool looking Nosferatu type vampire!

vampy said...

You can fight science! They called me Mad at the University, but I'll show them, I'll show them all!!!

abdul666 said...

No Jean Rollin's vampire singled out?

magicienne v├ęg├ętalienne said...

1. All lesbian vampires ever. Correct!!

But really I prefer Lugosi to Lee any day.

Rochester Swift said...

I'd like to nominate for an honorable mention, Dwight Renfield in "The Night Flyer" and tack Zandor Vorkov from Dracula vs Frankenstein to the Wall of Shame.

Stacie Ponder said...

I've never actually seen The Night Flyer!I'll have to check it out one of these days. And "Zandor Vorkov" is absolutely added, if only because that name sounds like it was made with a vampire name generator.