FINAL GIRL explores the slasher flicks of the '70s and '80s...and all the other horror movies I feel like talking about, too. This is life on the EDGE, so beware yon spoilers!

Aug 28, 2013

amazon one-star reviews: THE HILLS RUN RED


Hello, my friends, and welcome to an all-new feature here at the good ol' FG. Because I only have the smartest (and most attractive) readers, you doubtless surmised from the post title that the new feature is called amazon one-star reviews. In this scintillating project, I'll highlight...wait for it...one-star horror movie reviews verbatim from amazon.com- reviews for films considered to be genre classics, pieces of crap, and everything in between. Whatever catches my eye here where I live, which is on the razor's edge of danger, intrigue, and browsing The Internet. Why am I doing this? I don't know. But! we can always debate these 1-star reviews: is the reviewer actually on to something whilst skewering beloved films? Did he or she really watch the same movie the rest of us did? It will sure be fun to find out.

Let's start things off with the 2009 direct-to-DVD slasher flick The Hills Run Red.

 

Fun fact! Prior to the film's release, I was asked by a horror publication to attend a screening and give my opinion of what I saw- not to immediately review it, just to give it a thumbs up or down. Why? Because the director is a "friend" of not only the publication but also the horror community in general, and therefore reviewing his films is, I guess, tricky business.

I reported back that I thought it was terrible and I'd give it a negative review and should I go ahead and start writing? I simply got an "okay, no don't write anything" or something along those lines in response, and that was the last I heard of the matter. Fast forward to the DVD's release and sure enough, there's a review, written by someone else. A positive review- not glowing, mind, but still positive. Pretty gross, right? Right. And that's what can go on behind the scenes of...you know, stuff and things and what the cool kids really get up to sometimes with that stuff and those things. Well, at least you don't have to worry about that here, as none of the cool kids in the horror community give a rat's ass about what I say here and since no one pays me for Final Girl, I can actually give, you know, my honest opinion about movies.

Anyway. Here's today's one-star review!
This movie did not make any since at all, I did not like the movie it was not even scary at all but that's how everybody makes their money some how, I watched the movie 2 times try to make since out of it but it was still the same, so I don't think no one should buy this movie I'm telling the truth it is not any gd at all thanks a lot.
So there you have it. What do you think of The Hills Run Red? Do you think it made any since? Is it any gd? Weigh in!

11 comments:

Erich Kuersten said...

I haven't seen it but that awesome baby doll / human lower jaw face mask combo is worth a star on its own. May be the film culd just stop their?

Superheidi said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Tom said...

I love that review so much that I honestly want to cut and paste it and use it as my own review of every movie I don't like.

Superheidi said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Mayhem Film Festival said...

Flipping awesome idea. Keep it up. More soon, please!

Mayhem Film Festival said...

I thought your new concept was fantastic. More soon please. I hope I haven't written twice!

Chris

Stacy Hossner said...

I wouldnt say it was my fave but I didnt think it was that bad, its something Id put on while cleaning the house and glance at from time to time. Maybe its not supposed to be "good"?

Stacie Ponder said...

You have written twice, but I think the subtle differences combine to make one ULTRA-comment!

Superheidi said...

How did they get hidden 16mm film cameras in the strip club?

scarina said...

Cool idea. One star reviews are the best, the more misspelled the better.

joel said...

Great idea! And I love your personal history with the movie.

As for the movie, I don't remember much besides (spoilers!) I wasn't scared, the girlfriend got raped and preggers with Babydoll and I did not like it at all. I haven't had the desire to watch it again because I don't think my feelings would be any different, something the reviewer has now confirmed. The movie will not change! So, thanks for letting me know, reviewer.