FINAL GIRL explores the slasher flicks of the '70s and '80s...and all the other horror movies I feel like talking about, too. This is life on the EDGE, so beware yon spoilers!

Aug 29, 2013

amazon one-star reviews: THE EXORCIST


Hey everybody, it's William Friedkin's birthday! Why not celebrate with a one-star review of his masterpiece, The Exorcist? I'm sure he'll be thrilled.


I'm not surprised that the film has received its fair share of negative reviews from the masses, particularly those who have recently seen it for the first time. This movie has been hyped beyond measure, consistently cited as one of the greatest horror films in the goddamn universe. If anything, that kind of praise can work against a movie: if "one of the greatest horror films in the goddamn universe" doesn't totally completely 100% rock a new viewer's face off, the film becomes an overrated failure. I'd say that changing audience sensibilities and the decidedly 1970s pacing of The Exorcist share the bulk of the blame for that, but I know hardcore horror fans who don't like this film and don't think it's scary whatsoever (generally because they're atheists and therefore, you know, what's so frightening about Satan and the such?). I think anybody who doesn't like The Exorcist is a crazy person, but hey, everybody has their hang-ups.

But enough about what I think of The Exorcist- what does this Amazon reviewer think about The Exorcist? This one-star critique is a real treat: a critique within a critique! It's like the Russian nesting doll of reviews.
THE EXORCIST, the saddest and most disgustingly bad movie of all time, is the classic story of a young girl, Regan, whom through a Squeegy Board, becomes posessed by Satan. The film is supposedly based on a True Story about a young boy, whom in 1949, became posessed. That is unconfirmed.
MY REVIEW:
"I hate this movie with a passion because it is so evil, and only a devil worshiper would love this movie and want to watch again and again. It is the ultimate evil you can find in this world. The scary thing about it is, is that this movie is based on a true story. NOW DON'T GET ME WRONG: This movie is VERY scary, but is just a gross out devil movie. No one in this whole world should see something so terrible. IT IS BAD- plain and simple, and I mean BAD as in it isn't a good movie for anyone to see. So all of you people who say this is a great movie, you just make evil seem so good."
I am glad this review opened my eyes to my own nature. No longer can I deceive myself: I am a devil worshiper. Otherwise, how could I love The Exorcist? Everything I thought about myself has been a lie! I have not been living a Satan-tastic life so far, but that's going to change right now. I'm bustin' out my Squeegy Board and later, after dinner, I'm gonna sacrifice somethin' but good.

10 comments:

B.E. Earl said...

The reviewer had me at Squeegy Board. This is unconfirmed.

Mark Sering said...

HAIL SATAN!!! I guess...

PoPS blog said...

Dude, this is amazing! Reviewing a one-star reviewer. It's internet gold. You don't even need a Squeegy board, you brought us an unbeliever to sacrifice on this our altar to horror movie enjoyment.

For real though, whenever people review something they are clearly not the audience for I just wonder why they're wasting their time. Her review is just plain BAD. It makes horror movies seem evil. No one should read something so terrible. Doesn't she understand she's just giving non-Christians another stone to throw at Christians by voicing such poorly composed thoughts in a public forum? So all you people who say hers is a great review, you just make broadcasting close-mindedness seem so good.

--Jake

Kensington said...

Guy makes a great point!

scarina said...

My mom saw this movie in the theaters with her mom and was totally mortified by the cross-terbation scene. She never normally censored what I watched but she made me read the book before I saw the movie. The book actually freaked me out more than the movie.
Hail Satan!

Stacie Ponder said...

Pretty much everyone says that about the book, and to my great shame...I've never read the damn thing. I should fix that!

dtmmr.com said...

Good points and I can totally see where you're coming from. However, I loved the hell out of this and wonder why it didn't win Best Picture all of those years ago against the Sting, as charming of a movie as it was.

Mayhem Film Festival said...

Squeegy Board. OH.

Michael Perridge said...

The fact that it's a horror movie is secondary to me. It's a great film from an important period in the history of American film, but on a more serious note I think you're underestimating the multi-function advantages of a Squeegy Board - my windows are the very devil to clean.

Stacie Ponder said...

Just to clarify in case it needs clarification: I'm not writing the one-star reviews.