FINAL GIRL explores the slasher flicks of the '70s and '80s...and all the other horror movies I feel like talking about, too. This is life on the EDGE, so beware yon spoilers!

Aug 28, 2008

VHS Week, Day 3: Demon of Paradise

As you may have noticed, I review a lot of movies here at Final Girl. Some of these movies are made of awesome, some are made of lame...this is to be expected. You take the good, you take the take them both and there, my friends, you have the facts of life. It's a rare film that crosses my path, however, that is so bad that I want to go back in time and stop myself from pushing play on the VCR. Even more rare is the film that makes me want to go back in time and stop myself from seeing the movie on the shelf...or further back in time so I can stop the filmmakers from beginning production. Or even further back so I can prevent the filmmakers' parents from having "intimate" "relations" so I can ensure the film will never get made.

This is how I feel about the 1987 Creature from the Black Lagoon wannabe Demon of Paradise.

Blah blah blah legend of prehistoric underwater lizard-man Akua blah blah oh no, he's really real blah blah blah let's follow the standard animal attack movie formula: we can't cancel the annual Parade Festival blah blah blah the scienceologist will save the day blah blah fucking blah.

Trust me, that description is way more exciting than what happens on screen. What happens on screen? NOTHING. So much nothing that when I looked over at one point and my viewing pals were asleep, I thought that maybe I was actually the one who fell asleep and I was having the most boring dream ever dreamed.

Let's take a look at some of the things I wrote whilst taking notes for this review:
  • Reporter = die, please
  • nothing happens. nothing happens some more. badly acted nothings happen.
  • music = horrendous, always inappropriate
  • more nothing happening = kill myself
  • testing my resolve as a human being to overcome adversity and boredom
  • why won't it end?
  • hell = this
  • when will it end?
Finally, it did end and I was left feeling like I'd just completed ten tours of 'Nam. Demon of Paradise was so bad then when the credits finally rolled I nearly went apoplectic, ranting and flipping it off so hard I'm surprised my middle finger didn't explode. There's no doubt that in those few moments, I could have legally been deemed a fire hazard- such was the white-hot intensity of my rage. I'm only shocked that lasers didn't shoot out of my eyeballs.

Oh, how Demon of Paradise angried up my blood! Why did Satan himself have to shit this movie into existence? Why did I have to see it in the 3-for-$5 bin at Video Hut? Why did the filmmakers not realize that a man in a rubber suit popping up out of the water every once in a while to wave at people off camera does not induce terror? Why did it have to be so boring that I couldn't even laugh at the waving monster?

Clearly, Demon of Paradise hates me as much as I hate it.

Originally, I didn't even want to bring the tape home with me: I really, really don't want this movie in my house. Since last night, however, I've reconsidered that stance and I think some good may actually come from this steaming pile of dook.

Some outreach program should take Demon of Paradise to all the Ebola clinics of the world and show one-minute clips to patients. Then they can say "See, Ebola patient? Your internal organs are liquifying and your face is being eaten away, but at least you don't have to endure the other 86 minutes of Demon in Paradise!", to which the Ebola sufferers will say "Hooray! I may have Ebola, but clearly my life could be a lot worse!"


Bridget McManus said...

Brilliant review! oh Final Girl you bring me such joy every single day of my life.

p.s. Has anyone ever told you that you look like Anna Faris?
It's uncanny!

TALKING MOVIEzzz said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

Aw, come on. He's friendly! Waving!

Saying, "Hi, Stacie! Sorry they made this crappy movie around me, but I'd love to buy you a macchiato and we could talk about our shared love of the adult-contemporary stylings of Michael Bublé. Later, Gator!"

Geez, Stacie, don't be such a bitch.

Snarf said...

Me too!

Fred [The Wolf] said...

I need to watch this movie now. If it is as bad as you say, it'd be perfect for my WTF? Worst Films Extravaganza Series on my own blog. Great review. Sounds like a winner...

Kmork said...

1) Was anything -characters, fruit, you- actually skinned alive, as boasted by the VHS sleeve?

2) Take it easy with the Facts of Life references, Blair!

Wes Fierce said...

"...flipping it off so hard I'm surprised my middle finger didn't explode." - Made me laugh out of my mouth :D

p.s. I'm having Ghostella withdrawal

Natazzz said...

It must've been really really bad for you not to have anything good to say about it...

I love bad movies, good bad that is...bad bad is no fun...

Alexis said...

Your blog is amazing, I 'm also a horror movie fan, but from France :-) and I really appreciate all these movie review. You have one more fan !

Travis M. Nelson said...

Speaking of lousy horror movies, you must try "Creature Unknown". Seems like a similar movie to this one, except that it's much more recent, and it takes place on land, though they may have used the same rubber suit for the Bad Guy. Err..Creature. But this one has some redeeming values, namely a Used to be Kinda Hot Biker Scientist/Vigilante Chick, Maggie Grace from Lost, some creatively murdered victims, and a decent (if eminently predictable) plot twist.

What it lacks is

1) any character you could care about,

B) a believable monster, and

iii) any semblance of acting ability demonstrated by any member of the "cast".

Would love to see your review of it.

Stacie Ponder said...

"2) Take it easy with the Facts of Life references, Blair!"

There can NEVER be too many FoL references! I'd work Mrs Garrett into every single post if I thought it possible!

People, please, I beg you. Don't seek this out. It's terrible, and not at all in a good way- it's BORING. There are plenty of good-bad movies out there for you to peruse...let this fucker sink to the bottom of the ocean where it belongs!

Wes, Ghostella should be back on Monday with some more trailer-y "good"ness. I'm bummed it took so long to get another episode out!

Travis, I might just have to seek out this so-called "Creature"! Thanks for the heads-up.

Michael Lake said...

hahaha i laughed at the facts of life joke. i am so lame.