FINAL GIRL explores the slasher flicks of the '70s and '80s...and all the other horror movies I feel like talking about, too. This is life on the EDGE, so beware yon spoilers!

Aug 29, 2008


- While you were sleeping, I went to see Disaster Movie and reviewed it for AMC. I think it was only because the hellish experience that was Demon of Paradise was still coursing through my veins that I didn't want to kill myself. So for that, I thank you, Demon of Paradise. Now get the eff out of my life forever! I seriously need to watch a quality movie before I find the nearest Grand Canyon and go all ten kinds of Thelma and Louise.

- Go visit my ol' pal Arbogast and check out his quasi-tribute to America's Next Top favorite caver, Beth, from The Descent. To avoid fainting, I must keep repeating, there are good movies out there...good movies out there...good movies out there...good movies out there...thanks for the reminder, Arbo! Beth rules and she rules hard.

- From the I weep for the children who are supposedly our future department: The Internets are all up in arms over the kinda sorta news that Vadim Perelman (The House of Sand and Fog) maybe kinda might helm the super possible Poltergeist remake. It's a fowl story, indeed, that Bloody-Disgusting has related. No one expressed their trepidation at the prospect more poignantly than commenter horrorchick81, however:
they need shot! y remake a GOOD classic horror/supernatural movie? who would star in it anyway everyone dies from them movies anyway bc of the poltergeist curse. there is noo way that this tupid ass remake will live up to the original even if they did get craig t nelson to reprise his role as stephen. anyone know what ever happened to that kid who played robbie in one an two?? i am soo signing it. never even seen house osf sand and fog so cant bitch bout the directer dude.
Verily...they need shot. And in case you were unaware of all the rumors of hauntings and curses surrounding the original Hooper/Spielberg production, horrorchick81 goes on to shed some light:
uh ya there is a thing as curse, how do you explain heather orourkes untimley/mysterious death??? the orignal cane/julian beck!? umm doninique dunnes (cant think of her name but she was robbies and carl annes sis in the first) death when she was strangeled by her boyfriend when i guess a friend/neighbor was litening to the poltergeist soundtrack?? taylor dying? that mysterious light when tangena got her pic. taken in the photograph?? to me that aint coincidence that is a curse so idk what u are talkin bout when u say there is no curses.
Maybe that's why I'm suddenly mired in bad movies when my week started out so well: there is a thing as curse. Who knew? I mean, besides horrorchick81, natch.

Now if you'll excuse me, I suddenly feel a burning desire to make some parse trees.


Arbogast said...

they need shot!

Helping verbs are for sucks.

Anonymous said...

To be fair to horrorchick81, "they need shot!" is a perfectly grammatical construction for a speaker of Pittsburgh-region English. (Also, "strangeled" is what you are when you get choked by a cloak of levitation.)

Woo Pig Brewey! said...

I need a shot as well. Make my Jagermeister please.

All the remakes really don't bother me that much I guess. I figure they're about as hit-and-miss as regular horror movies so bring 'em on and I'll sort 'em all out after viewing.

Anonymous said...

The kid who played their brother has opted to work behind the scenes as a filmmaker. I don't remember his name, though...

But why remake that one? As John Waters said, "Don't remake the good movies, remake the bad ones!"

Wes Fierce said...

Is it too late for horrorchick81 to run for president?

spartickes said...

I haven't seen this movie for a while now, but doninique dunnes performance really stuck with me through the years.

And of course the famous quote "carl anne, don't go into the light!"

Stacie Ponder said...

True dat, perchingpath, but that propensity to drop the "to be" drives me nuts!

spartickes, your comment is STILL making me laugh.

I don't know why we're getting all up in arms anyway. I mean, it's just a tupid ass remake.

Man, "carl anne" fucking kills me.

Bloody Mary said...

"i am soo signing it!"

spartickes said...

In all the uproar over carl anne and her friends litening to the soundtrack , I overlooked the most important part of this FG brief, that she survived Disaster Movie! I am picturing Stacie fleeing the theater as an urban version of Sarah running out of the cave. So maybe Stacie is still trapped in the theater? Bah, multiple endings confuse me. Where am I?

Seriously though that missive from horrorchick81 is the gift that keeps on giving. Also, I quite liked House of Sand and Jennifer Connely Being all Skanky.

Anonymous said...

Wes Fierce: Imagine the speeches if she did. "My felouw Americanz, the state of union is string!"

I've never seen Poltergeist, so I have no attachment to it, but I really hate the trend of remaking good horror movies just to cash in on the name. Is anyone really crying out for a remake of this? Jesus, a half-decent spec horror script could be bought for a pretty reasonable price, why spend more buying remake rights to a beloved movie when the target audience will automatically hate it?

Anonymous said...

Let me start by saying that I haven't seen "Disaster Movie" (nor any of the preceding "Something-Or-Other Movie" that seems to clog up the multiplex every other month). I also haven't had a chance to read your review on this film, but I do have a couple of general curiosities for you:

1.) Why do these films feel the need to blatantly point out exactly what it is they're parodying (or attempting to parody)? In the first trailer for "Disaster Movie", some character has to point out that the person underneath a meteor is Hannah Montana by delivering this comedic gem: "Hannah Montana?"

In a later trailer for this same film, a caveman encounters a beast that looks suspiciously like Amy Winehouse... He confirms this by uttering: "Amy Winehouse?"

Why does this need to be done at all, let alone twice, in the same movie? Are people actually lauging at this BS?

2.) Why does the trailer insist that the writer/director/random-guy-who's-seen-one-of-these-movies-before is going to get me to see this crap sandwich of a movie? Every trailer for one of these "Something-Or-Other Movie" seems to think it's funny to point out that two of the sixteen writers of the previous "Something-Or-Other Film" is responsible for this one.

This does not encourage me to see this film. This only serves to lower my expectations of an already barely-there expectation of this film. [For the record, I expect this film to be a huge waste of time.]

3.) I would like to make a film entitled "Supid Pop Culture Reference Movie" that makes fun of these "Something-Or-Other Movie". Is this a grand idea or is it entirely too meta?