FINAL GIRL explores the slasher flicks of the '70s and '80s...and all the other horror movies I feel like talking about, too. This is life on the EDGE, so beware yon spoilers!

Jan 8, 2007

Children Hate You Week: Day 1

There's not much the crew here at Final Girl (the crew consisting of...me) loves more than an event week. I've had a few event weeks in the past, but I've anticipated none more than what begins today. Ladies and gents, I give you:

CHILDREN HATE YOU WEEK!

Sure, sure, I can hear you now..."Stacie, I believe the children are our future. We must teach them well and let them lead the way!"...to which I answer "Pfft!" If there's one thing I've learned from the movies, it's that children hate you and if given half a chance, they'll kill you mercilessly in their quest for world domination. In a bid to win their favor prior to the uprising, let's take this week and celebrate the murderous moppets, shall we? Bring on the killer kiddies, I say, for it's Children Hate You Week!

Careful there, Charles Nelson Reilly, or you'll be the first on their list.

After three movies featuring Damien Thorn as the Antichrist, 20th Century Fox decided to go all equal opportunity and feature a female spawn of Satan in The Omen IV: The Awakening, aka The Omen IV: The Omening, aka The Omen IV: Attack of the She-Omen!

This made-for-TV flick is essentially a complete re-telling of the original Omen story...with a She-Omen. Faye Grant and Michael Woods star as Karen and Gene York, an up-and-coming political power couple who can't seem to conceive a baby. They adopt young Delia from a nunnery and then...things start to happen. Sort of, anyway. Sure, we're in TV-land here, so I understand that the action needs to be...shall we say...tame, but Delia is supposed to be the friggin' Antichrist! Shouldn't that mean she does a bit more than bite dolls, scare horses, and induce heart attacks in priests?

Yeah, I said "bite dolls". I know it's supposed to be scary, but...well...

The Yorks hire a nanny, Jo (Ann Hearn), to look after Delia, who's becoming more and more troublesome, what with all the glaring and all the...all the...OK, she doesn't do much more than glare. But she sure is troublesome!

It seems Jo is one of those "New Age" types- she's got a crystal around her neck, she talks about auras, and she probably smells like some combination of patchouli and cat pee. Jo knows something is up when her crystals all turn black- There's Something About Delia, all right. Jo takes Delia to a Psychic Fair, to which Delia protests vehemently. Call me Antichrist Jr, but I don't blame her one bit. Who wants to walk around looking at macrame dreamcatchers and shit sold by stinky New Age hippies? Not me. Delia does the only sensible thing- she sets the Psychic Fair on fire. I think. It's hard to tell; one minute Delia and Jo are walking around and all the psychics act afraid. The next minute, the fair is on fire. Whether it was Delia's doings or not, I must applaud the effort.

Eventually Delia gets tired of Jo's shit and, in finest Omen fashion, we're treated to The Plummeting Nanny. Wheeee!

Where are the girl's parents during all this, you ask? Well, Gene is clueless about Delia's "misbehavior" and is rising fast in the political world. And Karen...is...pregnant! How can this be? I tells ya, it gets a bit confusing. There's fetuses within fetuses like so many Satanic Russian Nesting Dolls for starters. Nevermind all that, though. Karen is sure that Delia has nefarious motives and so she decides to figure things out, to stop Delia from whatever it is she is going to do, to have her baby, and to save the world. Can Karen do it? Uh, excuse me, we're talking about Faye Grant here. You know, freedom fighter Dr. Julie Parrish from V? Yeah, that's right. I think she has a little experience saving the world from beings who are not what they seem.

Don't you think Faye Grant and Marc Singer should be in everything? I do. But I digress.

Omen IV, I liked you so much more when you were The Omen. I give it 4 out of 10 seen one Antichrists, you've seen 'em alls.

11 comments:

Josh said...

It doesn't seem fair that we live in a world where Kevin Sorbo gets all of Marc Singer's work. Not at all.

Have you heard about New Line still trying to make Friday the 13th, but a remake with hockey mask Jason?

And Rob Zombie is hiring all of his Devil's Rejects co-stars to be in Halloween. Well, no Moseley or Sid Haig yet, but there's a "Big" announcement looming.

Theron said...

Of course, with the recent advances made in modern medicine, today we'd realize that little Delia was not really the Antichristess, but was merely suffering from ADD and maybe a tad of bipolar disorder...

Smurfwreck said...

I do in fact believe that Marc Singer and Faye Grant should be in everything.

It's kind of painful to watch, but she's great in her teacher obsessed role as one of the students in the Greatest American Hero.

You know that doll freaks me out, but only because post bite marks it looks a hell of a lot like Robert Z'Dar (http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0120494/) from the Maniac Cop flicks...

Stacie Ponder said...

Josh- once I saw that Sheri Moon-Zombie has been cast as Michael Myers's mom, I decided to forgo any and all Halloween news...or to try, at least. It seems to me it's a giant clusterfuck waiting to happen.

Theron- But...but...Delia didn't have any friends! Surely that's the hand of Satan at work, is it not? I mean, what kid gets picked on and doesn't have any friends? Only bad, bad, evil children. Only...the Antichrist.

Smurf- Wow, I forgot that Faye Grant was in Greatest. And the Maniac Cop reference made me laugh...because it's true.

Checking imdb, it seems there's something in production called V: The Second Generation featuring Faye Grant, Marc Singer, and even Jane Badler! How awesome is that??! Mike Donovan and Dr Julie: back and better than ever!

Smurfwreck said...

Yeah, they've been working on a V remake/sequel deal for awhile. I think the guy that created the series even just published a new book or something.

Mr. Singer seemed pretty happy about it at a con a couple years ago at least...

Amanda By Night said...

Um, I love Faye Grant...she was so smokin' on Greatest American Hero. Connie Sellica probably needs the competition to keep her humble!

I've always been mildly curious about this Omen movie. I've seen all the others, but geez, this one just seemed like a bad idea. Birds 2: Land's End, anyone?

The Retropolitan said...

I still think that Faye Grant is the most beautiful actress ever. I love "V" with my whole heart, so I'm a little biased.

Theron said...

Marc Singer will always be Beastmaster to me...

The Retropolitan said...

I automatically knock two stars off of movie reviews when the movie doesn't feature Faye Grant.

That's why "V" is always at the top.

awannabe said...

Julie is my hero forever!! I love Faye in the Omen IV when she stabs the evil doc in the hand.

Cyberdudes said...

I think Faye Grant had her career high with V. Juliet Parrish was a great character and all the boys loved her. I also remember her in Internal Affairs where she did a brief nude scene.