FINAL GIRL explores the slasher flicks of the '70s and '80s...and all the other horror movies I feel like talking about, too. This is life on the EDGE, so beware yon spoilers!

Oct 24, 2006

Day 22- Great White

Alright, kids, I guess it's time for me to hang up my hat. I know, I know...we've all had some fun here at Final Girl. But the fact of the matter is, I have now seen the greatest movie in the history of ever and I don't see why there's any point in continuing on. Things can only go downhill from the heights of movie awesomeness reached tonight. Only one movie can stand atop the heap, King of the Cinematic Mountain, and I have been fortunate enough to have seen it. The movie?


Ohmyfuckinggod. I really don't know what to tell you people except that this movie rocked my face off so hard that my face launched off into the atmosphere and in fact it may now be circling the Earth like a teeny tiny Stacie's face-shaped moon. Yeah, that hard.

What is there to say? Having not seen Shark Attack or Shark Attack 2, I was worried I might not have any clue as to what was going on...but it wasn't so! I caught on to things rather quickly, as if the first two Shark Attack movies didn't even matter. Perhaps I'm missing out on some subtle nuances or liet motifs running throughout the series, but I never felt lost while watching this movie. What a relief!

A Megalodon (a prehistoric-type shark with teeth the size of Nicole Ritchie's ass) has been disturbed whilst hanging out in the deepest trenches of the ocean by...umm...electricity, I guess, courtesy of miles and miles of fiber optic cable laid on the ocean floor by the evil Apex Corporation. Megalodon pissed! Megalodon attack! Who will save the day? Will it be our hero, Ben (who...umm, patrols the beachfront property of a fancy Mexican resort, looking for danger) and our heroine Cat (a paleontologist, natch)? Yes...yes it will. But not before Megaolodon gets Megalodown.

Those of you expecting thrilling shark-eats-man sequences will be...perhaps disappointed. Sure, shark do eat man, but rarely do we see man and shark in the same shot. Why? How is this possible? Well you see, in the finest tradition of Edward D Wood, Jr, Shark Attack 3: Megalodon director David Worth makes ample use of stock footage. Clear video footage of folks on a boat will cut to grainy footage of a shark at sea. With some clever editing, you won't even know there's stock footage! By "you won't even know", of course, I mean "you can always, always tell".

Fear not, action fans, because what the movie lacks in shark-eats-man action it more than make up for with hot hot WHITE HOT steering wheel and throttle action! John Woo wrings his hands and pees his pants in shame in the shadow of Shark Attack 3: Megalodon, I am sure of it.

Can you feel the action through The Internet? I bet you can! It'll leave you breathless!

Lest you think that Shark Attack 3: Megalodon is all non-stop explosive power and action, however, I want you to know that there is also time for...tenderness during all the proceedings. Yes, of course our hero and heroine get it on. There came a time in the film where I knew the consummation of the non-existent sexual tension was imminent, but the love scene was preceded by a line so jaw-dropping that I simply can not and will not give it to you. It needs to be experienced with no forewarning- it is that awesome. And speaking of awesome, said love scene culminates in the best mid-coital freeze frame/cross fade EVAR.

The Megaloaction keeps on chugging along, baby, all the way through. Just when you think the movie can't possibly get any better...just when your side cramps o' laughter have started to ease up a little bit, Shark Attack 3: Megalodon pulls out all the stops. The sequence in which The Evil Fiber Optics Magnate hops on a Sea-Doo to escape the Megalomayhem on his luxury yacht only to meet the business end of Megalodon himself gave me so much pleasure- tears rolling down my face pleasure- that I want to figure out a way to get the sequence tattooed on my body. Barring that, I may have it screen printed on a body pillow so I can hug it every night and make out with it when I'm drunk. Incidentally, by "business end" I mean "eating business"...not "do your business business".

Oh, and by the way...the shark roars. Yes, you read that right.


I hate to shock you, but Shark Attack 3: Megalodon is not a good movie. I'm not lying when I say that I absolutely fucking LOVED it, however; nor am I exaggerating when I say it is, without a shred of a doubt, the best bad movie I have ever seen in my whole entire life. I loved it so much that I'm going to ask it to marry me. I loved it so much that I want to invite each and every one of you over to watch it so I can watch you watch it- even if that sounds creepy. I loved it so much that I want to become as rich as The Evil Fiber Optics Magnate so I can buy up zillions of copies of Shark Attack 3: Megalodon and hand them out on street corners.


I give it 10 out of 10 yeah, you read that right- 10 out of 10!s.


Amanda By Night said...

I didn't know what I was talking about before. This is the BEST. MOVIE. EVER.

I do share it with whomever I can get to come over and watch it. And you know what? They LOVE it. What's not to love. Obviously gay man has really uncomfortable sex whilst the shark does his stuff. Did you catch the BIG missle camera shot. Ah.

BTW, this review had David and I laughing just as hard as we did when we saw the movie. This is a GREAT review and the screen shots are to die for!

And for the record, Shark Attack II is also full of white hotness, but you can skip the first one.

Amanda By Night

Stacie Ponder said...

Ha! I just tweaked the review a little bit...hopefully making more with the love for this movie. Amanda, I have you to thank for this piece of unbelievable awesome.

Did you ever know that you're my heroine?

God, I hate Beaches.

Amanda By Night said...

I posted a link to this review over at my webgroup. The world needs to read this review. World Peace is sure to breakout once everyone gets a look.

Are you starting to see what I've been giving my brain access to?

I'm SO glad you liked it.

I wanted to tell you that the director also did that David Oman epic House at the End of the Drive. Is Mr. Worth a GOD or what?!?

HA! I will have to watch this again. Seriously, the first time I saw it, I think I woke up the whole apartment building because I was laughing so hard! THAT LINE! The only other time that happened was when I saw Bruce Jenner in Daisy Dukes in Can't Stop the Music.

Anonymous said...

The Line is classic.

Stacie Ponder said...

The line...THE LINE! I swear, after THE LINE my hands went to cover my mouth so fast that I actually hit myself pretty hard! And my hands stayed over my mouth for as long as I could hold my breath, which I think is about 10 minutes.

Thanks for the link Amanda!!!

I can't believe I watched another movie by someone involved with The House at the End of the Drive! I'm glad I didn't know that piece of trivia first, otherwise I may have put off watching the greatest movie of all time.

I'm still laughing- yes, out loud- about this movie. That Sea-Doo sequence is fucking priceless.

Anonymous said...

I watched this with Stacie and it had me gleefully Megalowhat-ing at the screen the whole time! This is, hands down, the greatest bad movie of all time. I loved The Line, I loved the closing line, I loved the shark eats large object scenes, I loved it more than, well, any movie ever. This movie is Megaloawesome!

Anonymous said...

Awww, man, ya gotta hip us to The Line. Ya gots da! Pleeeease!

The Roaring Shark. Good name for a Florida beach bar...

Amanda By Night said...

I'm sorry, I keep coming back but I just can't stop laughing!

This review so made my week.

And Theron, you've just got to hear the line in the film... It's amazing. BTW, you're a genius,the Roaring Shark SHOULD be a bar!

Amanda By Night said...

Wait, hold your horses. Stacie, I had looked the other way until now, but you sadly missed a grand opportunity to use a word that can only really be used for a film like this:


Anonymous said...

"Jawsome" - Have a Jawsome time at the Roaring Shark! And our happy hours specials won't take a Bite out of your wallet.

Anonymous said...

Few films can live up to the hype of "The Flat Out Greatest So Bad It's Funny Movie Ever," but Shark Attack 3: Megalodon not only lives up to it, it manages to raise the bar for any and all totally batshit crazy FOGSBIFMEs to follow.

I so have to buy a copy of this movie.

And see the R-rated version for The Line. Forget whining about having had it with those motherf***ing snakes and that motherf***in plane, Shark Attack 3's is so much funnier.

Rachael said...

Amanda and I think this movie will bring together in blissful world peace. So, everyone please get a copy right away.

ch said...

Terrible - i was myself attacked a couple a weeks ago. I hate sharks !
Hans Háfjall

Anonymous said...

The line is truly the best in movie history

mike weber/fairportfan said...

I understand that on cable The Line is "...and watch Lucy."

Also that it wasn't even suppposed to actually be in the film - it was just there to get a reaction out of the actress, and then it got left in. (Whether by mistake or on purpose it is hard to tell with a film of this quality.)

Stacie Ponder said...

"...and watch Lucy."

That is so effing awesome, it's almost as good as the real line!

RJ said...

I just now found out that it is John 'Torchwood' Barrowman who delivers the line. Like, wow.

And he's gay, too. That just makes it better.

RJ said...

And here's some trivia: apparently he ad libbed that line b/c the director wanted the actress to laugh

Anonymous said...

God I have to watch this again.

Anonymous said...

Awesome, awesome, awesome movie. I thank thee, o Final Girl, for introducing me to this marvel of moviemaking. No Silent Night, Deadly Night 2 (which was just unequivocally the greatest thing ever committed to celluloid), but still amazing. I am certain that I will one day wake up hungover and find the Line tattooed on my forearm. It shall be the greatest day of my life.

P.S.: I don't ever remember laughing this much while reading a review. Please, please, please find the time to write one about Troll 2.