FINAL GIRL explores the slasher flicks of the '70s and '80s...and all the other horror movies I feel like talking about, too. This is life on the EDGE, so beware yon spoilers!

Sep 27, 2006

tasty tidbits

Let me get this out right up front: The Descent is scheduled for DVD release on December 26.

There. I feel much better knowing when I can clutch my Very Own Copy in my greasy little paws, even if it's still months away. I can't wait to see it again. Now then, in other DVD news...

The 2-disc Infinifilm Special Awesome Edition of A Nightmare on Elm Street hit shelves this week. There's lots of goodies packed in with that edition, so it seems like that's the version to own. For now. However, everytime I think they've come out with the 'Best Ever edition, as in no edition will EVER beat this edition Edition ' of a movie and I cave and buy it, sure enough a 'wicked Best Ever edition, as in no edition will EVER beat this edition Edition ' shows up in stores, mocking me. Laughing at me. Pointing at me. Mooning me! Laughing and pointing and mooning and...and...and then tiny little ghostly Piper Laurie heads begin floating in front of my face, reminding me that she told me that they were all gonna laugh at me and the next thing I know she's locked me in the Jesus closet to repent for getting my period and I'm punching myself in my dirtypillows and I swear one of these days I'll throw tampons at them and see how much they like it except I'll throw the tampons so frickin hard that they go right through---

Perhaps I've said too much.

My point is, the 2-disc Ultimate Edition of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre also appeared on store shelves this week and is flashing its metaphorical bare ass at the Special Edition Texas Chainsaw Massacre sitting over on my shelf. I think I'll pay some extra attention to my DVD to let it know that while "Special" isn't quite "Ultimate", it's still...well, special. And I don't even mean Welcome to the Dollhouse special, either. I won't hold its lack of documentaries and bloopers and Marilyn Burns commentary against it, I promise.

Speaking of TCM, the release of The Texas Chainsaw Masssacre: The Beginning is fast approaching: look for it, or don't, on Friday, October 6. Now, I realize that I've expressed my...displeasure at the prospect of the movie in an earlier post. However, I've come to the conclusion, as recently as 10 minutes ago, that I will be going to see this flick. What on earth would drag me to a theatre to see a Jessica Biel-less modern-day Leatherface tale, you ask? My answer, friends, is two-fold.

First, notice that release date. It's in October. OCTOBER. Do you know what happens in October? SHOCKTOBER HAPPENS IN OCTOBER. Yarr, mateys, can ye smell that sweet sweet Shocktober aroma? It's comin' on fast and it's comin' on strong! It's about to begin, and I can't wait. For those of you not in the know, as a special Halloween-style exercise in masochism treat last year, I spent the month of October watching and reviewing a movie per day, every day. And not just anymovie, mind you- the catch was, I had to watch and review a movie I've never seen before. I'll be pulling this stunt again for Shocktober '06 starting in a few days, and I figure with a horror movie hitting theatres during the festivities, I need to take advantage of the opportunity to get off my fucking couch.

Secondly, I read the advance review of TCMTB (as the cool kids are calling it) at Bloody-Disgusting, and it was...glowing. Well, I think it was glowing, anyway. I don't get the second part of this sentence, so I could be wrong:

"...what separates TCMTB from the rest is not only how emotionally effective it is, but how virtues it is in its terror."

Does he mean 'virtuous', maybe? Interesting. Perhaps there's hope for us all. There's still no accounting for the ad campaign, however. I thought things couldn't get any worse after this touching "one lonely man and his chainsaw" approach:

...but WOW. Things got alot worse, my friends, and this poster adds a whole new meaning to the phrase "one lonely man and his chainsaw":

What the fuck? Is that a joke? That has to be a joke. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, TELL ME THAT'S A JOKE. Is that Leatherface's high school senior portrait? It feels so...seedy. Not in a horror movie horrifying kind of seedy, but in a "I Googled some innocuous term and somehow now I've stumbled across a site full of amateur photos of stuffed animals and the men who love them...whilst said men are loving their stuffed animals!" kind of seedy...not that, you know, that's ever happened to me. Although, I must say, a friend once told me to Google Image the word 'love' and check out the first picture. The picture was a mustachioed man in lingerie shoving his wang up a car's tailpipe. No, I'm not lying...and sweet mother of all that is good and kind in the world a poster for a Texas Chainsaw Massacre movie should NOT bring back such painful memories for me!

Excuse me, please...I think I need some time in the Jesus closet.


Anonymous said...

You got mentioned on Kim Morgan's Movie Filter blog again, she only has good things to say including your impending nuptials to her...By the way, I fully support it.


Stacie Ponder said...

MAN. I sooo appreciate the shout-outs, it's unbelievable. Making someone remember how awesome horror movies are is even MORE unbelievable.


If Kim Morgan wants to marry me, then she needs to make it happen. I'm not getting any younger (though my new face lotion promises me that I'll at least LOOK younger)...not to mention the fact that I'm living off a freelance comic book inker salary and I could really use a Sugar Momma right about now.

I expect you all to buy us many, many wedding gifts...and someone out there with a little power has to...convince Sleater-Kinney to reunite to play at the reception.

Now I'm thinking about the fact that Sleater-Kinney is no more...I must recuse myself to the Jesus closet to weep into my coffee.

Anonymous said...

Kim is great! I wish y'all much happiness.

Now, TCM: the Beginning - I'm with you. I so wish there was a chance for Jessica and her sweaty, tight T-shirt to make some sort of appearance. They were actually quite good in the remake. I guess we'll have to settle for Jordana Brewster. I wonder what sweaty, tight garment she'll wear...

Stacie Ponder said...

" Kim is great! I wish y'all much happiness."
:D :D :D
I suddenly feel as if I'm caught up in the middle of a big game of Internet Telephone or something and this so-called "Kim" "Morgan" and I really are going to be married, perhaps as soon as this weekend. I brainwash easily and I never seem to know what day it is any more, so all need to stop. Otherwise, the next thing I know I'll be convinced that Kim Morgan and I married and divorced over the weekend and her "attorney" will be telling me I owe her alimony payments or you'll all have me believing that somehow I owe each and every one of you $10...either way, I'll be reaching for my wallet. Now please- it's not nice to take advantage of the mentally inferior.

Besides, I know that Kim Morgan is only interested in one thing, and that would be my prized possession: the most awesome pillow ever.

And Theron, I'm too worried about Leatherface's new chainsaw "relationship" to even miss Jessica Biel at this point. What horrors will unfold at the AMC 24? What horrors??

Anonymous said...

What horrors? I'll tell ya what horrors - no Jessica Biel running around in a tight, sweaty T-shirt - that's what horrors...

Sweet pillow, btw.

Josh DeSlasher said...

Hmm. I predict TCMTB will be a huge waste (and I don't mean "Dolls" waste, I mean more like, "Freddy's Dead" waste. Except without the randomness)

The Texas series hasn't really been on my good side. I liked the remake, which is a first since I dispise remakes! Part 2 and TNG were just bad, and L:TCMIII gets annoying after a while. Note, I haven't seen the original, which I know you're sitting in your computer chair laughing hysterically at. Haha, yes, I am sad, joke's over!

I predict a possible good film, if they just...nope. Actually, this'll be very bad. I'll still check it, as every good horror fan should, but this will probably make me cry saddened tears. "Woe is me!" I am anticipating the overly expensive popcorn though. Yay! Pricey food!


Anonymous said... about the TCMTB-Skript.

Anonymous said...

Wow. You know, it's really hard to argue with those armchair psychologists and their "chainsaw is giant metal phallus" argument when you look at that poster.

Anonymous said...

Re: "the most awesome pillow ever..." okay, I was slightly confused and also, a little excited to click this link, because prior mention to pillows in this blog were your dirty pillows, so the possibility that one was singled out, a favorite even, kind of threw me. But I guess that's not really strange: if guys were equipped with two (fill in favorite penis euphemism), I'm sure there would be favoritism among some: "Aw, hell, yeah, I yank right, definitely. In winter, when i write on the snow, the right dude is for block print, the left for cursive..." etc.

Um... the pillow itself, upon actual inspection, is very nice.

Anonymous said...

"Chainsaw as giant metal phallus" - ummm, duh.

Even better:

"Chainsaw as giant metal phallus...with teeth."

It's a insecure male'a answer to the infamous vagina dentata. Oooh, there's a hooro flick I'd like to see:

"Leatherface Meets the Vagina Dentata"

Anonymous said...

As you can tell from the grammar errors in my previous post, I REALLY wanna see that flick...