The Nightmare-ening Day 1: A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET (1984)

When I was but a wee bonny lass, the internet was more than six months away from being born. Therefore, movie fans such as I had to glean information from a variety of sources–dusty old books at the library or, say, the ramblings of Dana Hersey on WSBK TV 38 Boston's The Movie Loft. Much of my knowledge and know-how about horror movies came, of course, courtesy of the pages of Fangoria and Famous Monsters of Filmland. But not A Nightmare on Elm Street, no sir or ma'am or both or neither! I did not know of Nightmare until I read about it in the pages of...16 Magazine. When it was mentioned in an article about the Cosby kids. Two of them–Theo and maybe Vanessa?–called A Nightmare on Elm Street their favorite movie, and I thought to myself, "Hmm, that sounds like a horror movie!" (I was a very bright child, you see.) I loved horror movies and hey, if it was a Cosby kid fave it had to be good. Eventually Nightmare made its way to my town and Freddy Krueger made his way to all the magazines and that was that. None of this has any bearing on anything beyond being a bizarre personal anecdote, but I felt like sharing. Don't you feel much closer now?

Anyway, my relationship with Nightmare has been a bit...tempestuous. Let's put it this way: if all the slasher movies were my children, Nightmare would be the middle child I constantly forget about (people with kids forget about their kids, right?). Halloween would be the eldest one, the one I paid the most attention to because I wasn't so tired all the time. Friday the 13th would be the young brat acting up on the regular with stupid sequel after stupid sequel, crying out for notice. While I'd get irritated with it, I'd also be won over by its antics. Meanwhile, there'd sit Nightmare, all but ignored, wondering what it did that was so wrong and why its siblings got all the love. It's not like the film isn't full of some of horror's most indelible images:

That last one is so Messiah of Evil, isn't it? I mean:

Anyway. It's got some solid scares, terrific set pieces, a plucky, smart, brave Final Girl...it does so much right that I should love this film. Somehow, however, the parts never quite gel into something I'm ever flipping my wig over. Despite the Cosby kid endorsement, despite my seeing it for the first time when I was an easily-impressed and impressionable yoot, A Nightmare on Elm Street ultimately leaves me feeling a bit cold. It's good, I like it, but I don't love it. (A big reason for this in my most recent viewings is that score. I hate it. It's overbearing and hokey and not scary and it doesn't establish the right mood and it's super irritating to my earholes.)

And yet! There is so much about this movie I do love with all of my heart:

• Tina's death scene! The dream that leads up to it is truly a nightmare, and when Tina is finally killed it's unexpected, brutal, bloody, and just plain fucked up. Kind of the high point for me–likely of the whole series...and it's about 18 minutes in.
• Though none of the actors come across so young, they're supposed to be 15-16. The series is much darker than it seems on the surface.
• It's a very lean film. There is nothing extraneous–no group traveling to the cabin in the woods, etc–within five minutes or so everyone is talking about the killer and there's only the pattern of dream-death-dream-try to kill Freddy. 
• Despite her cute boyfriend with his adorable Nike sweater vests and her group of pals, there's something decidedly Dawn Wiener about Nancy Thompson. 
• MARGE: Marge's bedhead. Marge-as-functioning-alcoholic. Marge lighting up a cigarette at the Sleep Institute. That time Marge combined all three of these things.

• MORE MARGE: The way she "hides" vodka bottles in places like...behind her back and under a towel. Then she pulls the bottles out and swigs from them openly anyway. I really wanted her to pull a bottle from a hollowed-out Bible at Rod's funeral.

• "He's dead, honey, because mommy killed him."
• Oh, also: Marge's lipliner.
• As a child does to underwear when he goes away to summer camp, Fred Krueger writes his name inside his hats.
• "I'm into survival."
• Everyone calling Nancy "crazy" or a "lunatic" whilst ignoring the fact that she walked into a bedroom covered in blood and found her best friend sliced to ribbons...and also the cops lay the dead body of Rod in her lap and she's only like 15, can't she handle it, why is Nancy acting so nutso?

See? There's so much about this movie I love. The nightmares are great–heck, for Glen and Rod we don't even experience the dreams, only the aftermath. Freddy is kept largely in the dark and he's treated nothing like a joke. It's a solid horror film, and absolutely a slasher classic. When I think about it, I adore it. When I watch it, I feel only okay about it. So what's holding me back? Why can't I be more like Theo Huxtable or maybe Vanessa? 

Also, if I'm like "Yeah, it's good but I don't love it" about the first movie, what does that portend for the rest of The Nightmare-ening? I'd better make some coffee.

Y'all better get some sleep this weekend...

...'cause there ain't gonna be no sleepin' next week, for it'll be THE NIGHTMARE-ENING around these parts!

if you only knew how long it took me to make this...

That's right, I'll be going through/watching/talking about every film in the Nightmare on Elm Street series–well, most of them. New Nightmare happened recently enough that I won't be revisiting it. But everything else? Sure! Well, maybe sure. I'm honestly still undecided about Freddy vs Jason because I hated it so much. But that was 73 years ago, so maybe my feelings have changed? We'll see. One cannot plan that far ahead when one lives a life as reckless as mine. But I swear, all the other films! There are some I haven't seen, even! Very exciting. I hope you'll be around–just don't. Fall. Asleep.

Speaking of actors...

...I recently watched this Hollywood Reporter Actress Roundtable and Tribute to Diversity in Cinema (ha ha just kidding, they're all super white!) and while an hour is a big commitment, I would sincerely like to draw your attention to one thing. Begin at 23:07 for context; the one thing happens about 25 seconds later.


Yes, I saw that and then I died, and I am now blogging from beyond the grave.

For those of you unable to watch, here's the lowdown: the interviewer asks Kate Winslet if there's anything she would never do as an actress. She replies that she wouldn't do a film that features violence against children, nor does she think she would ever do a horror film...

...to which Cate Blanchett (TRUE QUEEN) replies, very seriously and earnestly, "Oh, I love horror films. I love them."

She talks a bit about horror that feels too gratuitous or exploitative (particularly in regards to violence against women) and pointless, but I love that she's talking about them seriously at all. She loves horror films, you guys. How many A listers–particularly actresses–would even acknowledge the genre, never mind admitting to indulging in it? The reaction to her statement at the table is bafflement, it's so great.

Someone needs to give her a juicy horror script right this second. A del Toro joint? Something from Peter Strickland maybe? A re-team with Sam Raimi? Ooh, maybe she can reprise her role as Carol except now Carol is a Carmilla. Did any of you win that big lottery yesterday? Fund this shit, please!

Always a slasher bridesmaid...

Over yonder at My New Plaid Pants, our pal Jason wrote a piece today lauding the oft-unlauded 1981 slasher flick Just Before Dawn, and you know what? He's right in his a-laudin', and Jason's done got me fixin' to give it another watch. I'd been thinking about it recently along with a few other films that are essentially the bridesmaids or second stringers of the slasher genre. Let's face it, "slasher" conjures up images of Jason Voorhees and Freddy Krueger and Michael Myers and Leatherface, right? Maybe a few others have worked their way into the major leagues–dudes like Harry Warden of My Bloody Valentine. But there's a whole tier of films that have never quite achieved the status afforded to the Fridays and the Halloweens even though...hey, some of them deserve it. Like Just Before Dawn!

I mean look at these guys

Maybe it's because they never spawned a zillion sequels, or maybe the killers were unnamed or not as "compelling" as the icons. Maybe they weren't gory enough, or they misfired just a tad. Who knows why they're neglected in the big picture! What I do know, however, is that I'd pit House on Sorority Row, Hell Night, He Knows You're Alone, and April Fools Day against any number of the Halloween, Friday, or Nightmare sequels and they'd be better, more interesting films. Sure, you can feel differently if you want to be wrong about things, go ahead! That's not my business. But it is my business (and part of my community service requirements) to give these second stringers some respect, goldurnit. They deserve their moments in the sun, so watch a slasher bridesmaid today!

Masterpiece Theatre...of, Like, Blood and Whatever

So listen, to be honest with you guys I have not watched a lot of horror lately. The things I am anxious to see have not made their way to my orbit yet (hey The Witch will you hurry up and get in my face, please please??) and everything that is currently in my orbit seems dull. Thus, I have been indulging hardcore in my other lifelong cinematic obsession, actresses acting the shit out of stuff. I could talk about these movies here–you know, write a million words about every frame and moment of Carol, or maybe a piece praising Marion Cotillard's posture throughout Two Days, One Night–but horror is Final Girl's wheelhouse and so I simply bother everyone around me with these other thoughts. The world is either richer or poorer for it, I am sure.

Anyway, this all got me thinking–what are some of the great performances in horror? What actors and actresses fucking kill it and make you grateful that cinema exists? It doesn't have to be a lead character, or any performer you've ever heard of. It can just be a single, small moment that rings perfectly true and leaves you breathless. Some of my favorites:

- Sissy Spacek in Carrie, obviously, heartbreaking even when she's terrifying
- Donald Sutherland wailing as he holds the lifeless body of his young daughter in Don't Look Now
- Essie Davis in The Babadook, a performance which would have been nominated for an Academy Award if the world were just. The movie isn't "the scariest thing you've ever seen" as the marketing promised, but it is an astonishingly honest depiction of depression and grief with some horror thrown in.

- Veronica Cartwright losing her shit in Alien
- All of Martyrs, of course, but the moment where Lucie stands on the bed and fires her shotgun at the daughter hiding underneath...it's such a fleeting moment, but Juliette Gosselin's reaction is pure, unadulterated fear–something that horror calls for so often and is so hard for actors to truly deliver.

I have some more in mind but I want to hear from you! What and who are your faves? And don't everybody say Lynda Day George in Pieces, we all know that flawless performance can't be touched.

Horror Without People: GOODNIGHT MOMMY

Although I'd rank Goodnight Mommy amongst the best horror films of 2015, I'm still sussing out my thoughts and feelings about it. Damn that last 20 minutes or so–damn them I say! Unpleasant, they were, but not in a "Hey moron, this is a horror movie, don't get upset that you're uncomfortable" way, but rather in a "Oh, this is where we're going?" way. Nearly everything that preceded the third act was so intriguing that when things took a particularly nasty turn into Modern Horror Movie™ territory, it killed my boner a bit.

Regardless of that or my other minor quibbles, however, I was–and remain–enamored with the feel of it. It's very much about whatever good or evil lurks under the everyday façade; obviously this is the entirety of the film's "Is this bandaged woman our mommy or not?" premise but the theme goes further than that, seeping into nearly every deliciously uncanny frame. This beautiful family in a beautiful house nestled amongst beautiful fields and waters–why does it all come across so creepy? What are they all hiding, what are they really thinking, what the hell is going on? The abnormal looks normal approach is nothing new, particularly in horror cinema ("Within, walls continued upright, bricks met neatly, floors were firm, and doors were sensibly shut..."), but that doesn't mean I'm not gonna eat up fine filmmaking when I see it, you know?

face off!

It's Christina (Diabolique, 1955) vs Eleanor (The Haunting, 1963) in the terrified frail heroine runs down a darkened hallway in her nightgown battle for my heart!

The Quizzening!

So you've seen some horror movies and now you think you're all big. Well, it's time to test your knowledge of the genre in the form of...A TEST. No Googling the answers!

1. Michael Myers is known as “The Shape”, but what was he originally called?

- The Pile

- The Thing

- The Ennui

- The Loaf

2. What is the title of Sergio Martino’s most famous giallo film?

- A Scream in a Velvet Mouth

- The Seven Deaths of Lucinda

- Hold This Knife While I Murder You

- Dancing with a Thousand Eyeballs at Midnight

3. Which film belongs in the 80s workout horror genre alongside Death Spa and Killer Workout?

- Murder Gym

- Fitness Murder

- Stretch, Sweat, Kill!

- Stretch, Sweat, Die!

4. Which horror icon faced off against Freddy Krueger in the 2003 film Freddy vs. Jason?

- Pumpkinhead

- Chucky

- Mrs Voorhees

- Mrs Garrett

5. In Psycho, Norman Bates famously dresses as his own ________

- motel

- crippling insecurity

- hair

- private Idaho

6. Choose the famous horror movie tagline:

- If this movie doesn’t make your skin crawl…you don’t have any skin!

- Who will survive and will they give me a ride to the airport?

- Abby doesn’t need a man anymore. She’s going to Lilith Fair!

- When there’s no more room in Hell, build more Hell, duh

7. Pinhead is the most famous of Hellraiser’s Cenobites. Who is the least famous?

- Chompy

- Axeface

- Fallopia

- Greg

Circle your answers and submit them via haunted videotape.

SLASHERS 101 for you!

This comic is no longer available! It may return from the dead at some point...but will it be the same?? Regardless, I will surely announce any updates and also update this update should the time come. Thanks pals.

Hello! To celebrate...something...I don't know, to celebrate whatever you feel like celebrating today, I've made my mini-comic Slashers 101 available for download. It's free! So if you want to learn something about slasher movies, or if you want the opportunity to say "I knew all that already, I didn't learn shit!" then knock yourself out. Here's that link again, woo!

...and that's a wrap!

Wow, another SHOCKtober is but a not-so-distant memory. It is hard to say goodbye, but undoubtedly we will all look back on this past month with a tearful twinkle in our eyes forever and ever! Dizzying highs, depressing lows, creamy middles...it was a month that constantly gave us, you know, something.

Have the hidden gems I discovered allowed me to exorcise my Netflix prejudices? Will I no longer give movies a cold shoulder because of crappy computer cover art and/or low ratings from Netflix's moronic rating system? Maybe, but probably not! I would like to say yes for sure, but I feel those doubts wiggling around in the back of my brainstem. There are just too many movies out there to watch, and for me to give one a go when it looks like garbage...I need some word of mouth or something, you know? SHOCKtober has been great because I've been forced to watch things–I can't tell you how many times this month I gave a hefty sigh before clicking play–but I know myself too well to think the "hey, that wasn't bad!" movies will radically influence my future behavior, even if it should.

Overall, I'd say there were more treats than craps, which is always good. There were very few instances where I just wanted to kill myself because the movie was so bad. In fact, I'd call the month a large success. Hooray! Just to be sure, I'm gonna break it all down by ratings right now.

PUTTING A COPY IN MY PANTS

Starry Eyes
All Cheerleaders Die
The Strange Color of Your Body's Tears
Berberian Sound Studio
We Are What We Are
Housebound

I SURE LIKE YOU A LOT

Wes Craven's New Nightmare
Asmodexia
[REC] 3
The Vampire's Coffin
Jug Face (so close to putting this one in my pants, I can't quite decide honestly)
The Canal
Zombeavers (it's terrible and not even good terrible, it's unexplainable)
Hell

MEHHHH

The Omen III: The Final Conflict
A Girl Walks Home Alone at Night (this one hurts)
Darkness
[REC] 4
Dead Snow
Beneath

NO

Maniac (I am so in the minority on this one, I can't believe it, it makes me question everything ever)
Stonehearst Asylum
Infini
Dead Within

GO FUCK YOURSELF

ATM
Baby Blues
Devil Seed
V/H/S 2


Wow, hmm, it's actually fairly evenly divided! That's unexpected. The good stuff is so good that the not so good stuff is already fading away. Good job, brain! And honestly, if sitting through some trash was the price I had to pay to finally watch the month's two big winners, then so be it. I am still thinking about We Are What We Are and Berberian Sound Studio and they've been added to my ongoing faves list for sure. (And to everyone who recommended The Duke of Burgundy after my praise of Berberian...bless. I watched it last night and I'm in love.) SHOCKtober rules! Thanks for tuning in, y'all, it's been grand!

Except for Devil Seed, that was terrible.

Day 31: DEAD WITHIN (2011)

If Dead Within were sitting here beside me, I'd be awfully tempted to give it a pat on the head, say "Good for you!", and hand it a ribbon that says YOU TRIED. Hmm, that came out a lot more condescendingly than I meant it to. The thing is, you see, that Dead Within admirably attempts to do something different with the ol' zombie genre, but there's a lot holding it back from making said attempt successful. That "a lot" includes the script (which likely includes a great deal of improvisation), a through line and ending telegraphed so early on that the dramatic stakes are dramatically lowered, and very dodgy acting. Toss in a low budget that limits the quality of the effects, a few too many static-y jump cuts, and it's surprising that Dead Within wasn't completely dead on arrival. But like I said, at least it tries an offbeat approach to the material–in that regard, my "good for you!" is indeed a wholehearted one.

Six months into an infectious plague, married couple Kim and Mike have barricaded themselves in a secluded cabin. Despite the danger, Mike ventures out in search of supplies almost daily while Kim stays behind, cleans the house, and indulges in fingerpainting the walls and teaching herself to play the guitar. They dress for dinner every night and occasionally have quiet sex. It's sort of a Bizarro World picture of domesticity, but is this semblance of normality sustainable? Will Mike be attacked by one of the homicidal infected and die or bring it home to his wife? Will Kim succumb to cabin fever and prove more dangerous than the monsters lurking outside?

You won't be questioning things for long, because the answer becomes obvious fairly early on. Rather than proving to be an unreliable narrator, Kim is reliably delusional. It's a small but important distinction that robs Dead Within of nearly all of its tension. Through flashbacks that show how Mike and Kim arrived at this point–and what it cost them–it's obvious that guilt, tension, and monotony have caused Kim to have a nervous breakdown. From here, the film stalls and at its conclusion an hour later, you'll likely shrug and say "Yeah, well, of course." But hey–at least Dead Within tried. What did you do today, huh?

Day 30: HELL (2011)

In the very near future, the sun flips out for some unexplainable reason and temperatures rise by 50 degrees (or by 10 degrees for everyone, like, not in America). It doesn't take long for society to collapse when it no longer rains and an hour of exposure can cook you right up.

Marie (Hannah Herzsprung), her little sister Leonie (Lisa Vicari), and Marie's boyfriend Phillip (Lars Eidinger) drive through the barren wasteland in search of the waters that are rumored to flow to the north. The journey is difficult; gasoline is in short supply, the environment is deadly...and Leonie really dislikes Phillip's alpha male ways and the fact that Marie capitulates to him so readily simply because he has a car. Eventually they take on another passenger, Tom (Stipe Erceg), who can lend survival skills to the group but may not be trustworthy. Leonie in particular takes a shine to him, however, and Phillip's role as the de facto leader is suddenly not so assured.

These interpersonal dynamics are soon abandoned when the group gets suckered into a trap and Leonie is taken. Hell then begins to check off items from the post-apocalyptic thriller checklist: "Hell" is other people, the hungry will go to extreme lengths to survive, attractive young women must become baby machines, we must live for our loved ones, and so on. It is familiar ground for sure, but it's capably trod by director/co-writer Tim Fehlbaum.

Ultimately, Hell is Marie's journey towards something like autonomy. Throughout the film, Leonie questions why Marie isn't more proactive: why does she put up with Phillip's shit? Why isn't she strong instead of weak? When her sister is at risk, will Marie finally grow a pair (of ovaries) and take control? Her growth is "Final Girl"-esque, really, especially when you consider how many comments there are throughout the film about how important it is to have a man around (he can fix stuff and protect the womenfolk!). That's nice and all, but it's also nice if the women can protect themselves, too...especially when the world and pretty much everyone in it are trying to kill you.

This is not a Mad Max-style apocalyptic scenario, though. There are no leather-clad weirdos with crazy names, and there is not a mohawk to be found. These are ordinary people largely ill-equipped to deal with the scavenger/survivalist lifestyle. Marie doesn't turn into some dual machete-wielding badass drenched in blood as she chops her way to her sister, and the "villains" are equally subdued. This initially feels sort of anticlimactic, but in the end I appreciated this low-key approach. There's a place in post-apocalyptic cinema for character-driven stories, after all, and if I want nutso action, I can go watch Fury Road.

That said, as a character-driven story, Hell is a little weak. The acting is terrific and the characters are compelling even if we know nothing about them beyond the here and now. The script is fairly insubstantial, though, and a promising beginning becomes a series of genre tropes in the film's second half. I wouldn't say it's disappointing, necessarily–it had my attention all the way through, and I was invested in Marie's and Leonie's welfare. But overall it feels a bit like two approaches to the material battling for supremacy and neither really nabs a decisive victory.

Day 29: ZOMBEAVERS (2014)

Back around 2002 or whenever it was that you could buy bootleg VHS copies of Jason X on the street in Chinatown, a friend handed me a bootleg tape of Jason X he bought in Chinatown. "Have you seen this movie? You have to see it. Here, take it, you have to watch this movie." I had not seen Jason X, because I'd given up on new Friday the 13th films after catching the abysmal Part VIII in theaters. But hey, when someone hands you a tape and says "You have to see this!", what are you gonna do? Even if you end up unleashing a ghost girl with long, wet hair, you gotta watch that shit. So I watched Jason X, and tried to give it back to my friend, but he wouldn't take the tape back. "This was terrible!" I said, to which he replied, "I know, it's unwatchable! I turned it off halfway through."

I bring up this story because recently I've felt a distinct sense of déjà vu. You see, some weeks ago a friend asked if I'd seen Zombeavers. I replied that I had not and probably never would. In the interim, he would periodically ask again if I'd seen it yet; eventually this morphed into "You have to see it" or "I really want you to see it." Calling his own personal relationship with Zombeavers "complicated", he wanted to know if mine would be equally so. Not to be prejudiced (whilst being totally prejudiced), I didn't see how one could have a complicated relationship with something like Zombeavers. And so I've responded to every mention of it with a hearty "mleehhhhhh" and a vague not-promise that I'd get to it someday, maybe, perhaps, after I'd watched every other movie ever.

But here we are in SHOCKtober, right? And the SHOCKtober spirit says we must cast aside our prejudices! Watch that movie on Netflix you never thought you'd watch! Break free from your brain shackles and live! LIVE! LIVE I SAY!

I'll admit, all the talk did have me curious so I agreed to add Zombeavers to the lineup to, you know, get it over with. Like pulling off a bandaid, or jumping into a freezing lake, or closing your eyes and thinking of England: exactly the way a movie should be approached! At least I wouldn't be alone, for I made my Zombeavers friend watch with me.

SPOILER ALERT: when Zombeavers was over, my friend–he of the "complicated relationship"–said "I never would have watched that again. I didn't want to watch it again." And so the parallels to the Jason X story continue!

But here's the thing. You don't go into a movie like Zombeavers without expecting it to be...well, like a movie called Zombeavers. For the duration of its incredibly brisk 75-minute runtime it's Zombeavers's world and you're just living in it. I wasn't going to fault it for being stupid–it's about zombie beavers, for fuck's sake–I only hoped it wouldn't be excruciating.

After learning that her boyfriend made out with another gal, Jenn and her sorority sisters Mary and Zoe retreat to the country for a girls' weekend. In classic Slumber Party Massacre style, though, the boys don't take "no boys allowed" for an answer and show up for sex and booze. Unbeknownst to all of them, however, a wayward barrel of toxic waste spilled onto a beaver dam and as any horror fan would anticipate, the bright green goo renders regular beavers into flesh-eating beavers. Chaos and endless beaver jokes ensue.

To my great surprise, it wasn't excruciating! Obviously the majority of the humor is totally juvenile and nothing makes sense. The characters are uniformly unlikable, but dare I say...I found most of them to be charmingly so? The actors are 100% committed to the ridiculousness, and that is something I always admire regardless of my feelings on the movie as a whole. Everyone in the film must, at one time or another, go toe to toe and/or mano à mano with a zombeaver puppet and while it always looks as corny and silly as it sounds, the actors scream and flail for their lives and it's a treat to watch, dammit. Before I knew what was happening, this dumb movie endeared itself to me.

And this is partially why my friend called his relationship with Zombeavers "complicated." It is a competently-made garbage movie that you shouldn't like whatsoever, but then a part of you sort of does. More than that, however, I was stunned to find that Zombeavers refreshingly played around with some genre tropes. I'm not talking some meta "let's list the horror rules" shit, either. Zombeavers just does what it wants! During its final act, I said "I'd like for this to happen. It won't, it never happens in horror movies, but that's what I want to happen." And then it did happen and I gave the movie a high-five. Mind you, this isn't some big earth-shattering, mind-blowing, pants-busting horror revolution, but it was still shocking in its small way. So now maybe my relationship with Zombeavers is complicated. It's not "good" by any stretch (if that matters), and I wouldn't recommend it. But it had some genuine quirks I found very appealing, so...

Have you guys seen Zombeavers? You really gotta see it!

Day 28: BENEATH (2013)

Environmental lawyer Sam (Kelly Noonan) has returned to the small town where she grew up to celebrate her father's imminent retirement from the local coal mine. Though she is still well-loved by everyone in town–including her former flame Randy (Joey Kern)–her job puts her slightly at odds with her family and old friends. Sam explains that it's not the workers she's fighting against, but the greedy corporations who put profits before safety. The men counter that no one really cares about the environment or any of that so long as the lights stay on and there is food on the workers' tables. The back-and-forth ribbing escalates until Sam decides that in order to prove...something...she will head into the mine with everyone on the morrow for her father's last shift.

As you might expect, things go poorly.

By "poorly" I mean "there is a collapse and rescue is three days away." Although the prospect of sitting out the 72-hour wait in a rescue chamber (basically a small shipping container outfitted with water and oxygen) isn't ideal, it soon becomes apparent that boredom will be the survivors' smallest concern. Voices and noises lure the men out into the darkness–is it other survivors, trapped, or is it something else? Members of the small group disappear without a trace. Supplies are sabotaged, forcing the men (and Sam) to go deeper into disused mine shafts in search of oxygen tanks and maybe a way out. There are tales of other miners trapped below decades earlier who were never found. Some of the men show signs of an infection of sorts, and an alarming propensity for violence. So what gives? Is there some supernatural explanation? Is it simply coal mine madness brought on by the dwindling amounts of oxygen in the air?

Beneath works best when it maintains its ambiguity, when we are full of questions about what's lurking out there in the dark...or if there's anything lurking at all. But eventually–unfortunately–the scary CGI faces come out and this turn of events is a big boner killer. The bigger issue, though, is that while the CGI faces explain too much, they don't really explain anything at all. Beneath straddles the line and ends up planted firmly in some weird, unsatisfying neutral zone. It feels like a smart, subtle movie that succumbed to "horror trappings", right down to a pretty beat, low-key last minute genre sting. It brought to mind my beloved The Haunting (or The Haunting of Hill House, if you prefer) with its "...whatever walked there, walked alone." Less can be so much more if the writers and director believe in that notion, and for Beneath to ultimately cop out with a "less isn't enough" was disappointing.

It's especially disappointing because what works in the film works quite well. The survivors are essentially the same types we've seen in every other "group of survivors must survive" scenario (they're usually facing off against zombies). Yes, we've got the rookie, the fish out of  water, the irritatingly pragmatic self-preservationist, the hotheaded tough guy, and so on...but the serious tone and capable actors (including a grizzled Jeff Fahey and a few other "hey, I know that person from somewhere..." faces) help elevate the characters out of the murky depths of tropedom.

In its best moments, Beneath recalls some of The Descent's best moments, where it's claustrophobic panic that gets your pulse racing, not the monsters or violence. Trapped in pitch black, narrow passages as the mountain creaks and groans above, threatening collapse...it's a nightmare scenario. From there, however, it's as if the filmmakers don't commit to a particular direction, neither going with all-out "horror movie" chaos, nor trusting themselves enough to maintain the mystery. It's still worth a watch, but you may end up frustrated by what could have been.

Day 27: HOUSEBOUND (2014)

After a botched ATM robbery, surly ne'er-do-well Kylie (Morgana O'Reilly) is sentenced to nine months of house arrest. With a bracelet on her ankle and a sneer on her face, Kylie must readjust to life in the home she fled years ago. Mostly this readjusting consists of taking over the TV, making her mother and stepfather miserable, eating everything in the house, and being a total slob. Just when it seems the situation can't get any more dire for the lot of them, there is increasing evidence that the house is, as they've always suspected, haunted. Kylie isn't too worried–she'll just punch any ghosts who give her shit–but events quickly spiral beyond the point where problems can be solved with paranormal fisticuffs.

Listen, if Housebound doesn't end up as beloved a horror comedy as Shaun of the Dead, then we'll all know for sure that there's no justice in this cruel, cold world. Lawd oh lawd blessed be, this isn't a satire, an homage, or meta anything. Rather, it achieves that difficult balance between genuine frights and genuine laughs as it twists and turns along as a ghost story, a murder mystery, and more. I had no idea where the film was headed, but the journey sure was terrific (if, admittedly, a bit bloated and perhaps a touch overlong).

Comedic horror ain't usually my bag; sure, I like Shaun of the Dead as any rational person must, but generally it's a subgenre I avoid. Housebound completely won me over almost immediately, however, with its sometimes sharp, sometimes broad humor, its charming characters, and especially with its true horror leanings. It's two great tastes that taste fucking great together.

A Tribute to...

GOTH CHICKS IN HORROR MOVIES!

Don't you just love these scrappy, sassy gals? What, with their pale pale skin and their chokers and lace and fishnettery and their dark lips and their kohl-smeared eyes (the blackest eyes...the Devil's eyes!). You follow in their wake, desperately hoping they'll take notice of you, desperately terrified they'll take notice of you. You'll join a coven, sneer at the squares, whatever it takes to win their approval. You'll tell them you stole that bottle of Wet n Wild Black Creme nail polish from Walgreens when really all it took was a sideways glance from the lady restocking the L'Eggs pantyhose for you to scurry to the counter and dig a dollar seven in change from the bottom of your bag. You'll never be one of the goth chicks, but they'll let you think you are long enough for you to get in trouble, and you know the trouble is coming but you don't care. Once in a blood moon they make it to the end of the movie, emerging victorious from the chaos that they likely created, and come morning they're gone. That bottle of Black Creme sits on your bureau so long the color separates; you think about giving it a go, just to be a bit weird on a whim, but the cap won't turn. You put it back on the bureau top and tell yourself you'll throw it away soon, soon.

Anyway, goth chicks in horror movies are pretty great.

Mo, The Convent

Kim Diamond, Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2

Tosh, Urban Legend ("TOSH"!!)

Annabel, Mama

Slack, Land of the Dead

Leena, All Cheerleaders Die

Angela, Night of the Demons

Nancy Downs, The Craft (Queen Goth Chick in Horror Movies Forever and Ever Amen)

SHOCKtober: The Week to Come

It's the final countdown! Do do do doooo, do do do do dooo, do do do doooo, do do do do do do dooo. (Ugh, I really don't want that song stuck in my head all day, sorry if it gets  stuck in yours.)

Also, sorry if your SHOCKtober ends up feeling woefully incomplete because I skipped out on the weekend, but life occasionally happens. What matters is that we're here now, and it's all winding down already, can you believe it? I mean, you probably can because at this point in your life you're fully aware of how time works, but still. It went by quickly and we're all older now. Wiser, maybe. We've been through something, my friends, and it ain't over yet.

Before I get to the month's final lineup (do do do doooo...dammit!), however, here is some news you can maybe use:

The fine fellows of the BoneBat podcast kindly asked if I would contribute to their recent "horror in space" episode, and I sure did! I wrote a list of five franchises that should get all spaced out (and the ways in which they can do it), and then they read that list on their show. If you want to hear said list, well, it starts around the 1:06:00 mark in Episode 136. Check it out, and thanks to the BoneBat crew for including me!

Also, I got to talk to The New York Times about Final Girls, and that was super dope. You can read it right here! Giving props to Ginny Field in The New York Times, what a world, what a wonderful world.

Okay, that's all the Me News I have right now. Without further ado, here's yer lineup–when I'll be talking about what–for the rest of the month. SHOCKtober, we hardly knew ye!

Tuesday 10/27 - HOUSEBOUND (2014)
Wednesday 10/28 - BENEATH (2014)
Thursday 10/29 - ZOMBEAVERS (2014) (I know...I KNOW. But I have my reasons, I promise.)
Friday 10/30 - HELL (2011)
Saturday 10/31 - DEAD WITHIN (2014)

Day 26: INFINI (2015)

I fully admit that I have a weakness for space horror, even if the films I categorize as such are all a tad samey-samey. You know, Event Horizon, Pandorum–movies where someone comes down with space madness. Whether it's brought on by alien microbes or wormholes or nonsense science jargon, I don't care, I'll give it a watch. And I'll probably like it, because I'm so forgiving. Digging Infini, then, should have been a given. So what happened?

A search and rescue crew heads to a farthest-of-far mining facility to shut down operations and rescue the lone survivor of a mysterious biological plague-type thing. Unsurprisingly, things escalate quickly and the rescuers become infected. Cue violence, etc as our lone survivor attempts to ensure continued survival.

Yeah, it's all fairly par for the course. The super elite search and rescue team comprises the usual suspects: a black dude, a hothead smartass, an Asian woman, some "no memorable characteristics" folk, a guy who just wants to make it home to his daughter, and so on. There is grossness in the eerily quiet mining facility: frozen miners, body chunks, mysterious goo. Dubious science abounds, enough to likely cause Neil deGrasse Tyson to take furiously to his Twitter account. Basically, Infini was a movie after my own heart! But then...ugh, people get infected and it goes something like this:

*two people find each other* "FUCK YOU! RAARRRRRR!" *punch punch slam slam punch slam RARRR slam punch*

Over and over again. For a really long time. It's loud and obnoxious and ultimately dull...sort of like watching a sidewalk fistfight between two 'roid raging pituitary cases from the first season of Jersey Shore, but in space. (Okay, I might actually want to watch Jersey Shore in Space.) All the rockin' 'em and sockin' 'em leads to our lone survivor giving the sentient alien goo a stern talking to and a guilt trip that sets up the lite-twist ending; while the ending is marginally interesting (if fairly predictable), though, it's certainly not worth enduring the tedium of the hour-plus that precedes it to get there.

Programming Note

Dear Fine People: We interrupt your regular SHOCKtober programming to inform you that SHOCKtober will return on Monday. Your guide to the totally macabre thought she could simultaneously manage real-life entertaining duties and cyber entertaining duties this weekend but it turns out that she has not leveled up sufficiently in time management or multi-tasking.

SEE YOU NEXT MONDAY (scary Vincent Price voice from Michael Jackson's Thriller video)

Halloween: The Night He...Looked Like This

Day 22: WE ARE WHAT WE ARE (2013)

I kind of want to wait another week to write a review of We Are What We Are, because I feel like I'll need at least that long to come down, to process it. I knew nothing about this movie going in (it's a remake of a 2010 Mexican film, what the heck!), and when the Netflix description mentioned a family of cannibals keeping up traditions and all that, well, I certainly wasn't expecting...this. I didn't anticipate the movie would be drenched in sorrow from beginning to end. I figured I was in for exploitation and gore, you know, and to find my guts twisted up from tension and melancholy was a pleasant–no, make that a heartwrenching, bittersweet, terrible in the best way–surprise.

The Parker family has always kept to its ancestral ways, but as more...responsibilities...fall to teenage daughters Iris and Rose, they begin to have doubts. Why can't they be like everyone else instead of what they are? Does the Maker truly forgive, and will the unceasing rains and rising waters wash away their sins?

While it's one of the more depressing horror movies I've seen, I can't say enough good things about We Are What We Are. As I said, it's still working its way around my brain and I'm basically just a meat sack full of feelings right now. Everything floored me, everything. The gloomy-ass atmosphere, the subdued script and pitch perfect acting that brings these rich characters to life–oh, the acting, I want to marry the acting. Actually, I might have to cancel the rest of SHOCKtober not only because come on, it's all downhill from here, but because I want to marry the whole movie and spend the remainder of the month honeymooning with it. THIS MOVIE, YOU GUYS.