talkin' bout mah Degeneration

Fans of the Resident Evil video games have long been clamoring for a movie to give a big "Eff you!" and a swift kick to the butt of Paul WS Anderson and his film series, which bears little resemblance to the source material. Or, at least, I have. Sure, I like the movies okay- they're nothing if not fun- but as I've stated before, I want to have Resident Evil's babies. I mean...uh...I sure do like those games! I don't, like, really want to literally have those babies for real. First of all, if they were born shaped like video games that would really hurt my no no and it would be pretty awkward at family gatherings and, like, in the grocery store and stuff. My village might even shun me! I'd have to run away from them, clutching little Rezzie and dodging the stones they throw, and find asylum somewhere in an underground network-type thing, and that sounds like a real hassle...a hassle for which I do not have the time. Also, I'm not a fan of running or having stones thrown at me.

On the other hand, children are totally the future and I sure do like those games...but enough about my personal life! This is supposed to be about Resident Evil:Degeneration, so let's get small to it.

Seven years after the government eradicated the zombie problems in Raccoon City with a nuclear boom boom, the eeeevil Umbrella Corporation has risen again. Now called WilPharma, the company has been performing tests with human subjects in India. I have a sneaking suspicion that no good will come of this, unless there's FINALLY a cure for erectile dysfunction out there (seriously, every website in the world except mine is running those fucking Vimax ads and I'm really tired of my screen being inundated with obnoxious photos of women going all bug-eyed at the notion of a boner).

Anyzombie, the action begins at Harvardville Airport where Claire Redfield, heroine of Resident Evil 2, has just landed after...doing something for...the FDA or something or other. We meet a few other characters, like the eeeevil greedy stereotype Senator Davis, who's totally in cahoots with the eeeevil pharmaceutical company. Oh, and he's a jerk.

A plane from India is headed for Harvardville and one of the passengers has a decidedly grey and gross pallor...before you can say "Does that guy have rickets or something?" the plane crashes into the airport just like in the opening moments of the comedy classic Airplane!. Before anyone can say "Holy crap, that was just like the opening moments of the comedy classic Airplane!", however, zombies start spilling out of a gash in the fuselage. It was kind of awesome, and I was kind of giddy.


In related news, I'm psyched that I FINALLY have a chance to use the word "fuselage".

As you can imagine, from there things quickly go to bitey hell. The government steps in and attempts to resolve the situation. Enter Leon Kennedy, the hero of Resident Evil 2. Yep. Claire and Leon are reunited, and all 'round the world could be heard the flutter of a million nerd hearts. Or one. Mine. Don't judge me!

Once the sitch at Harvardville Airport is under control, Claire and Leon decide to find out what the eff is going on. They team up with some rookie special forces-types and head off to this place and that, this house and that lab, encountering a few more zombies and beasties along the way. It's all, you know, like, totally action-packed and stuff.

I'm not gonna lie- I dug this movie...but then, obviously I was predisposed to. My biggest disappointment is that the moment never came where I was supposed to pick up my controller and get my Claire Redfield on- and that's exactly the reason why I'm dubious about how the general horror movie lovin' audience will feel about Resident Evil: Degeneration.

Essentially, the film is little more than the typical CGI cut scenes stitched together. The acting is fair, the character development virtually nil, the dialogue sometimes excruciatingly hokey...and it's best if I don't get much into the "developing love interest" wicked-mini-subplot. By "developing", I mean, "these two characters stare stare stare at each other and that means they're falling in love after knowing each other 15 minutes". The plot is absolutely video game worthy as our gang heads down a path that ultimately culminates in your standard boss battle.

I suspect that large chunks of that plot will be confusing and/or inaccessible to non RE-heads, as a basic knowledge of some characters, Raccoon City, and Umbrella Corporation are assumed. Terms like T-Virus and G-Virus are tossed around, and unless you're a nerd like me you probably won't know- or figure out- the difference between the two.

All of that said, this is still a fun movie. The CGI falls squarely in that weird almost real but not trying to be real so I don't know how to feel about it territory. I found most of it pretty killer, but your tolerance may vary. There's some bloodshed, and certainly plenty of action.

Is this going to appeal to the general public the way the Milla Jovovich films have? I'd have to say no. But really, who cares? It's a fun zombie flick (I've certainly seen less interesting live-action zombie flicks), and I finally got my "real" Resident Evil movie. My nerdy little heart is content.

more crap from me

If there's one thing you probably know about me by now it's that I love mint chocolate chip ice cream.

However, if you've really been paying attention then you may also know something else and that's that I can't seem to focus on any one thing forever before I get the urge to do something else. Creatively, anyway. I don't know if this is a good thing or not. Probably not. Eh, maybe I'll blame it on the fact that I'm a Gemini.

Having said that, I thought I should let you know that I've totally started making stick figure comics again- some of you may be wondering what "again" means. It means that I used to do it, then I stopped, then I got the urge to make more, and now I am. Toosday Toons is back, and it will be updated on...wait for it...Tuesdays. As I mentioned on another site where I was shamelessly pimping myself, if you read the first strip (posted today), you'll see why I had to start the comic again: obviously I have terribly important things to say. Check it out if you'd like.

All of this stick figuring got me digging through my old crap, and I found a bunch of stick figure sketchcards I'd made way back in the day. I made a Facebook album that features them and other stuff, if you're Facebookly inclined. In said digging I also found a box of blank sketchcards, so if anyone is sketchcardly inclined (stick figure or otherwise), then drop me a line. I heart commissions.

So yeah, comics. Updated Tuesdays. If I do any that are specifically horror-related, I'll post about 'em here. Otherwise there's a link in yon sidebar. I'll be doing them for a long time, I ho---ooh, what's that over there?

eat it, chucky

From the oh so horrifying yet oh so megacool department:

Dolls. Dolls based on random movies like The Innocents...

...dolls representing the finest in Hag Horror...


Seriously, does it get better than this? THERE EXISTS A DOLL OF JOAN CRAWFORD IN A WHEELCHAIR. And that Bette Davis is totally about to bust out some "Butcha AH, Blanche..."

And here's Carrie, a doll featuring "a removable veil of gore".

I'm sorry, but "removable veil of gore" is undoubtedly the best phrase ever committed to pixelization.

When I'm rich and famous or infamous (totally any day now), I'm SO plunking down the fundage to make all of my Mrs Kobritz dolls come true. And then I'll plunk down more and get a sailor leper ghost doll to face off against my Mrs Kobritz doll. I'll have to work a removable veil of gore in there somehow.

Check out these and more at Celebrity Dolls.

Joan Crawford...wheelchair.....ahhhhhhhhhhh.

F to the Y to the I

Okay, friends, here's the deal: I'm postponing the Film Club write-up for another week. First of all, I've got it written over to the right there as being due "Monday, January 6", which is a date that apparently only exists in the fantasyland of my mind. Totally secondly, I just got back from a vacation that involved more Christmas cookies than any single human should ever eat, a burning case of "Wii Bowling Shoulder", and essentially letting my brain lie fallow for two weeks. In other words, I need another week's recovery before I attempt to tackle Grindhouse. Some of you aren't as lame as I am, however, and you've been sending me links to your reviews. Feel free to keep doing that. Also, if you accept my apology for Film Club: The Postponening, then I'll forgive you for allowing me to keep "Monday, January 6" posted for so long, which is basically the blogging equivalent of not telling me I have a salad living between my teeth.

Okay part 2: My brain didn't lie completely fallow during my time away. I managed to crank out a piece at AMC about horrifying hotels. Travel back to the fantastical time known as "last Wednesday" and give it a read...if you dare. Of course, maybe you're on top of things and you've read it already. In that case, read it again and be totally retro!

NEW FILM CLUB DUE DATE! Monday January 12

o tanenbaaaaaaaaaaa

Have you been pulling your hair and wringing your hands, wondering when I'd be back? I know I have! Then I remembered that the power of posting at Final Girl rests in my very hands, so here I am.

I've been jacked up on my beloved Dunk's for several days now, and yesterday I found a little used bookstore that had a VHS copy of Satan's Cheerleaders waiting just for me. So far, this trip rules!

Anycoffee, I wrote a piece about killer plants and trees over at Ye Olde AMC, which is now up for your viewing pleas---well, your viewing, at any rate. Killer plants and trees are pretty sweet and a great way to celebrate the season, don't you think? Baby Jesus would be proud.

coolest tree ever

...and to all a good night.

Well, children, I'm afraid it's time to say goodbye for...for...some amount of time. Today I'm jetting off to the magical land known as "the other coast" to celebrate what's known as "the holidays" in a whirlwind tour of New England. Yesterday I was picking oranges in my backyard, tomorrow I'll be battling several inches of snow. This does not thrill me; however, being in New England means that I'll be able to go to an actual Dunkin' Donuts and buy an actual cup of Dunkin' Donuts coffee. This thrills me very much.

I'm not sure whether or not The Internet exists on the east coast, so posting for the next two weeks or so will be sporadic at best. My AMC columns will still post on Wednesdays, however; in fact, one went up a few days ago where I blabbed about...dun dun dunnnn...elevators in horror movies. Elevators? I'm not really a fan, although they serve a noble purpose.

I hope your end of the year celebrations, whatever they may be, are bitchin. I've got lots of surprises in store for 2009*, and I hope you'll be around to check 'em out. Thanks for being the most awesomest readers who ever read a blog!

Whatever you do while I'm gone, don't be naughty. PUNISH!




*surprises not guaranteed

i know it's not horror...

...but I'm telling you all about it anyway. If you head over to the WB's website today, you'll see that they've launched a new show called Joni & Susanna.

You should watch it. It's hilarious, and I'm not just saying that because the Joni half of Joni & Susanna is my friend, I swear. I mean, if Charlie Sheen was my friend, I wouldn't be all "Go watch Two and a Half Men!", because that show fucking stinks. In other words, trust me. Be sure to keep your eyes peeled for appearances Ghostella's Haunted Tomb regular Bridget McManus as well as her Top Friends co-star Julia Miranda. We all...like...support each other and shit. AWW.

Wait, I mean AWW.

That's better. Anyway, to relate this post to horror a little tiny bit, I'm going to trot out my tried-n-true photo of the football with a sword attached, aka the greatest horror movie weapon in the history of ever. And with that, I bid you good day. GOOD DAY.

a small tribute to...

...that 80s horror trend where chicks wore sports jerseys as pajamas.

CURTAINS (1983)

FRIDAY THE 13th PART VI: JASON LIVES (1986)

UNHINGED (1982)

POLTERGEIST (1982)

eh, just do it yourself.

I wrote up a bit of an ode to the back yard filmmakers of the world over at AMC this week. Go read it. Or don't, see if I care. You just think you're so big, don't you?

I finally caught the finale of VH1's Scream Queens last night and...ridiculousness aside, I think it was the first time in the history of ever that my favorite contestant from the beginning actually won a reality competition.

And yet, I still feel empty inside.

And I still won't go see Saw VI.

What I will see, however, is My Bloody Valentine 3D, which opens on January 16th. The commercials are starting to air and dammit, I'm excited. The Harry Warden costume looks great and just as scary as the original, and I find myself not caring a whit- NOT A WHIT I SAY- that it's a remake. Perhaps that's owed to the fact that the words "three" and "dee" are tacked on to the title- as we all know, I fucking love 3D. So much so that I would probably go see The Runaway Bride if it were re-released in 3D. So much so that I would probably go see some romantic comedy/frat comedy/heartwarming Christmas movie with an all-star cast that features Paul Reiser, Julia Roberts, Charlie Sheen, Cameron Diaz (I just don't get her), Jack Black (I just don't get him), and the Welch's Grape Juice Children if it were in 3D...and that's saying A LOT because for some reason those Grape Juice commercials really angry up my blood, especially this one.

But today is not a day for angried-up blood! Let's all GET PUMPED to the strains of "Rock n' Rock" from the little1986 masterpiece called Killer Workout. So much rock, they don't have time to roll! Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go make out with my KW videocassette.

scenes i love - friday the 13th part VII

six of one...

You know how sometimes you wish you could watch a movie again for the first time? How you were totally blown away by a movie and even though you still like (or even love) it, it never holds as much power as it did during that first viewing and you'd love to recapture that?

Well, my friends, if you feel this way about Danny Boyle's 28 Days Later then you're in luck! Check out the 1988 flick Primal Rage and all your needs will be fulfilled.

That is, of course, if you find yourself saying "Gee, I really love 28 Days Later but I wish it took place quietly on a college campus. And I wish the characters were fairly irritating and they'd do really nonsensical things. And I wish that there was an awful '80s soundtrack that consisted mostly of one song played over and over again. And I wish that there was really no urgency to the proceedings, even when three rage-infected rapists run around at a Halloween party killing people...basically, I wish 28 Days Later was a fair-to-middling, mildly entertaining '80s movie that doesn't capitalize on a good concept, even though it has decent enough gore!"

more stuff for y'all to buy

So, remember how I, like, opened up that Amazon store? Well, I just spent way too long adding a whole new category:

VIDEOGAMES!

Yessiree, there are Nintendo, Playstation, and Xbox games as far as the eye can see. I fully support you buying lots of stuff that requires hours of staring at your television, killing zombies, carjacking, and ignoring your real life friends. Shut-ins 4-eva!

scenes i love - the descent

awesome movie poster friday- the NOUVEAU CINEMA FRANCAIS edition!

the continuing adventures of carl anne, part 2

Maybe it was Kindertrauma's loving ode to Poltergeist III during this year's Hey, Internet! Stop Being Such Cynical Effing Douchebags! blog-a-thon that got me predisposed to like a film that's almost universally reviled. After all, I tend to take the words of Unkle Lancifer and Aunt John as gospel. It couldn't be that the movie really isn't that bad, could it?

'Cause when you break it down, Poltergeist III (1988) is all kinds of lousy. Somehow, though, all the crappy elements come together to create a work of magically enjoyable crap. In other words, The crappy sum is not nearly as crappy as the crappy parts. Poltergeist III is a bit like the cinematic equivalent of Desperately Seeking Susan-era Madonna, all jelly bracelets, lace, greasy hair, untweezed eyebrows, gloves, crucifixes, oversized bows, animal prints, and neon. Each horrid enough on its own, together they form a vortex of nonsense that's disturbingly compelling.

In related news, I still loves me some Madonna despite the fact that she's slowly morphing into the puppet from Saw and I'm starting to find her thighs threatening.

It was flat out ballsy- or just plain stupid- for writer/director Gary Sherman (Raw Meat, Dead and Buried) to essentially strip away everything people loved about the first two films as he embarked on P3. Gone were most of the Freelings as Carol Anne (Heather O'Rourke) went to stay with her aunt Patricia and uncle Bruce (Tom Skerritt and Nancy Allen) for reasons that remain vague throughout the movie (really, would Steve and Diane ever let Carol Anne out of their sight after everything they've been through?). Gone was the bland suburbia, as the action moved to a glass and chrome Chicago high rise. Additionally, Poltergeist III is more gory and teen-oriented than its predecessors. All of this new inevitably leads to cries of "Hey! What gives, jive turkey?" from legions of the world's Polterfiends. It's understandable, but sometimes change is good. Of course, I think the idea behind Halloween III is kind of a good one too, so take what I say about it with a grain of something or other.

What the film gets right, it gets really right. The ample use of mirrors as Reverend Kane pursues Carol Anne throughout the skyscraper is killer. Everyone's got a creepy, shriveled up, ne'er-do-well doppelganger and though it's cheesy at times, the effects are mostly spooky enough. Brood-esque Carol Anne in particular is bitchin'.

The biggest faults in Poltergeist III are...well, they're pretty big. The script is fairly weak and no one is given much to do beyond yelling "Carol Anne!" repeatedly- and boy, do I mean repeatedly. After it started to get on my nerves, I kept track; I counted 19 "Carol Anne!"s in a matter of ten minutes.

Despite this, most of the cast soldiers through admirably. As Bruce's daughter Donna, Lara Flynn Boyle (looking a bit like a young Lindsay Lohan), is both dull and charming. Tom Skerritt is reliably Tom Skerritt. Heather O'Rourke gives her all and rises above the material as best as she can. It's heartbreaking to watch her in her red footie pajamas, smiling though she must have been in pain, her face puffy with illness.

Nancy Allen, though...was she blackmailed into doing this picture? I love Nancy Allen, but man, she didn't even try. In fact, She was, like...anti-trying, to the point where you could read on her face how little she wanted to be there. Her performance sucked all the life out of every scene she was in, and I'm not sure why. Maybe the weight of her massive shoulder pads was too much to bear and her concentration was off.

At times, the entire production falls victim to a kind of lethargy. The most egregious example of this comes as Bruce, Patricia, and Tangina (Zelda Rubenstein) set off to find Carol Ann, who has fallen into the clutches of Reverend Kane. Tangina says "We must get upstairs as fast as we can!" and the three of them proceed to take their time, casually making their way with zero urgency. There's simply not a lot of tension to be found in Poltergeist III, and it's a shame. With a heavier hand, perhaps, from the director and a bit more enthusiasm, the film really could have been something.

That said, the scene where Donna busts out of beef jerky Tangina screaming her head off is really something, and that really something is totally boss.


Poltergeist III, I know you're no good for me, but I think I love you anyway. Why oh why do I always fall for the bad ones?

scenes i love - [REC]

brrr

In the interest of public service, this week at AMC I wrote about winter-themed horror movies that don't revolve around Christmas. I mean, did you ever notice how Christmas totally hogs the season? With the Baby Jesus and the frankincense and myrrh (whatever the fuck that is) and the trees and the nog and the presents, it's like...you know, okay, Christmas, we get it. We'll all watch Black Christmas, duh. But what happens when February rolls around and we're still miserably cold? What will we watch then, huh, Christmas? We'll watch Shredder, that's what we'll watch!

It's okay, you don't have to be ashamed if you like Shredder. In fact, there's a coalition of Shredder-likers growing over at AMC. One of us! One of us! Gooble gobble one of us!

Speaking of winter-flavored horror movies, the only way this picture would be better is if that was Erin Moran about to get killed by an angry snowman:

Oh well. Maybe some dreams aren't meant to be realized.

who likes to buy stuff?

The answer is: EVERYBODY except perhaps Ebenezer Scrooge. Yes, children, it's that time of the year when people spend money they don't have buying gifts for people they don't really like out of obligation. So, I say unto thee, BEHOLD, for today is a grand day for a Grand Opening, is it not? Boils and ghouls, I give you, my brand newAmazon shop!

Take a look around, why don'tcha? Mayhaps you'll find that special something for that special someone. There's a permanent link over yonder in mah sidebar, so anytime you've got the itch to buy something from Amazon- which happens to me all the time- just come on in. I'll be adding stuff all the time, so check back if you feel like it. Or don't, if you're not cool enough.

If this was a real Grand Opening and not just a cyber one, I'd have cupcakes and fruit punch for you, I swear. Maybe even a barbershop quartet or a small brass band! Certainly the Mayor would be in attendance, and he'd hand me those giant novelty scissors with which I'd cut the ribbon that'd be draped across the front door of my shop; then everyone in the town square would let out a cheer, and people would rush in and buy so many copies of Sssss that I'd be able to pay my rent! "Hooray!" they'd yell..."Hooray!" and the crowd would lift me up and I've feel even prettier and more popular than Courtney Thorne-Smith of television's Melrose Place did when she was crowned The Dairy Princess in the made-for-TV thriller Midwest Obsession. Later on the mayor would hand me a Proclamation on REAL PAPER stating that December 2nd is, in fact, Final Girl Day, and he'd also give me the key to the city, which I didn't even know was my life's dream until right this very second.

Uh, anyway.

You know what else people love to receive for ChristmaKwanzaKkah? REAL ART! Yes, it's true. Giving art to your nearest and dearest for the holidays makes you seem classy. Why not commission a painting from moi before time runs out? Why, these fine works adorn some of the finest walls in all the land; doesn't that make you want to yell "Me too!" or something?



I realize this is an awful lot of pimping and I feel a little gross about it, but then again I'm broke. Happy holidays!

scenes i love - the texas chain saw massacre