FINAL GIRL explores the slasher flicks of the '70s and '80s...and all the other horror movies I feel like talking about, too. This is life on the EDGE, so beware yon spoilers!

Sep 19, 2013

amazon one-star reviews: THE FOG (1980)

I know you know I heart The Fog, as is evidenced in this thing I wrote a long time ago titled "I Heart: The Fog". I have always hearted it for many reasons, one of which is that it used to scare every last bejesus out of me; in fact, it may or may not have a spot on my list of ten scariest movies. I guess we'll have to see come SHOCKtober (which is right around the SHOCKcorner, so send me your list if you haven't already!).


Again, I realize that there may be people out there who don't like this movie despite the fact that it's got a great score by John Carpenter and perfect cinematography from Dean Cundey and it stars Tom Atkins and Jamie Lee Curtis and Adrienne Barbeau and Nancy Loomis and there are leper ghosts and stomach pounders and NEVER MIND I don't understand how anyone could not like The Fog. The remake, sure. But this...ah, well. As nature hath spewed forth the amazing six-clawed lobster, so has she spewed forth a few people who hate The Fog. Why, let's hear from one of those people now!
This is undoubtedly one of the stupidest, poorly acted, and lame movies I have ever seen and I am kicking myself out into the fog for buying it!! I can't even waste the space on my shelf for this one, it's already in the trashcan! Since four letter words are frowned upon here, there is no way I can describe this absurd waste of time.
After reading this one-star review of one of my most beloved films, I thought, hmm. What if my brain is, like, rose-colored and The Fog ain't really that great? After all, it'd been a while since I'd seen it and hey, once upon a time I thought Caveman was the height of cinematic hilarity. With an open-ish mind, I checked out the blu-ray which is SO PRETTY YOU GUYS. First I watched an interview with Jamie Lee Curtis that's included in the special features and she was all "I just saw The Fog again this morning and it's not a good movie" and it was like, I don't know, somebody insulting my cooking or something. First you get all indignant with a "How dare you, I do declare!", but then a moment later you think "Well, perhaps my ambrosia salad isn't 'all that'" and you cop to the fact that there's room for improvement.

So here's what's up: I'll cop to the fact that when the fog starts a-rollin' in to Antonio Bay, Stevie Ray kind of flies off the handle a little too quickly. I'll cop to the fact that there are a couple of plot holes regarding the ghosts and their ghost abilities. I'll cop to the fact that there ain't enough Nancy Loomis in this movie, but then I could watch a 10-hour movie of nothing but Nancy Loomis giving sass. I'll cop to the fact that the film's relatively short running time, brisk pace, and multitude of storylines mean that we never really get a sense of Antonio Bay as a place.

But that's it! The Fog remains a movie that I heart hard and it's wonderful and creepy and a beauty to behold. So take that, Amazon one-star reviewer! Cram that up your Activia, Jamie Lee Curtis!

Wait, come back Jamie Lee Curtis, I can't stay mad at you, I love you forever!

10 comments:

vampy said...

this one star review is a blasphemy...

"Blake's gold will be recovered tomorrow, but may the Lord forgive us for what we've done."

Seriously, how can anyone not love this film.

I often thought if Carpenter could have stuck to his original Halloween plan, this would have made a fine Halloween 4.

Bleed For Me. said...

I freaking LOVE The Fog. Great story, great (admittedly not completely developed) characters, and while it didn't really scare me (was it supposed to?), I still enjoyed the hell out of it.

Jamie musta just been in a bad mood or on some medication or something.

Chris Otto said...

Hal Holbrook is still alive. ... I think we need them to film a coda to "The Fog" that shows that Father Malone survived his decapitation and is still around, as a big F.U. to the incompetent Fog Demons. (No, I'm not drinking right now.) ... PS - I'd call "The Fog" as very acceptable 2.5-star movie. It gets the job done.

Jason Callina said...

I love The Fog too, nostalgia may be warming my memories a bit but there is some genuinely amazing moments in it. There should have been at least four sequels of Hal Holbrook playing the drunken priest.

Now if Ms. Curtis wants to apologize for Virus then I will respect her a bit more.

JP Wendel said...

The fact that there are people out there who don't like The Fog just proves the terrorists won.

GroovyDoom said...

You have no rose-colored lens on your brain. "The Fog" is fifty smokey shades of awesome. I found it very telling that this drive-by reviewer not only said they hated the movie, but that they threw it AWAY. Haven't they ever heard of returning it and saying it was scratched?

Will Nepper said...

I wonder how "Halloween H20" looks in the morning.

Kevin F said...

The Fog is on my short list of greatest horror films of all time. I remember the first time I saw it (my mom snuck me in because I was too young to go to an R-Rated movie) and when we left the theater it was all foggy outside. I almost flipped.

Sure the film isn't perfect, what film is? But, as typical of the dorks who write one star reviews on Amazon, the reviewer doesn't give a reason for not liking the movie. My only guess is that the author of this review is the director of the remake. Some people will do anything to beat the competition.

I actually just got a copy of Dennis Etchison's novelization. Anyone read it?

vwstieber said...

Perhaps the reviewer mistook it for the abysmal "Fog²- Revenge of the Executed" ???

The cover is so awful, you wouldn't want to see it. The film is worse.

MDG14450 said...

I was very disappointed in The Fog when I saw it (possibly opening night), but it's grown on me with time. Got to see it a couple years ago on a double with Halloween III and Tom Atkins in attendance. Awesome!