FINAL GIRL explores the slasher flicks of the '70s and '80s...and all the other horror movies I feel like talking about, too. This is life on the EDGE, so beware yon spoilers!

May 1, 2007

He's baaaaaack...

You know, I really want to like Uwe Boll movies in a so-bad-they're-good kind of way. I really, really do. I've tried, believe me- I've seen virtually his entire catalogue. His films never cross the line from bad to so-bad-I-love-it, however, because for every minute of awesome suckitude there's 20 minutes of boring suckitude. If they could be a little less boring, I'd be clamoring to get my hands on his movies.

Regardless of the quality of the films, I do sort of admire the guy's moxie- he likes making movies, so he makes movies. Sure, he shits all over some established properties, but hey, he's having fun. I think his ego might get in the way of him ever truly becoming a modern-day Ed Wood, but that's all I'll say on that, lest he decides to beat me up.

You may recall my cartoon review of Boll's BloodRayne last year; the movie was terrible, but again, its biggest crime was that it was fucking boring that even Michael Madsen with a mullet couldn't salvage it. Surprisingly enough my cartoon review did nothing to stop the Boll-BloodRayne train- the teaser trailer for BloodRayne 2: Deliverance went up this week, and...well, see for yourself.

WOW! That is fucking hilarious. Let's all keep our fingers crossed that it's not boring...because that one minute of footage has hurts so good potential like nobody's business.

No, Kristanna Loken is not back as BloodRayne- the honor falls to Natassia Malthe for this go-round. And yes, those are cowboy vampires. Bloody-Disgusting has the rundown, but all you really need to know about BloodRayne 2 is summed up thusly:
The old west will never be the same again when Pat Garret, BloodRayne and the Brimstone posse ride into Deliverance for one hell of a showdown against Billy the Kid and his evil army of vampire cowboys. A tale of how the West was won, BloodRayne 2: Deliverance has intrigue, secret societies, Gattling guns, heroes, villains and vampires!
Sweet Jesus on a bicycle, that sounds awful. I just hope it's so awful I fall in love with it. Or maybe it will be simply awesome, who knows...I guess stranger things have happened, like that time I found a pair of underwear and $20 in a movie theatre.

In the meantime, should you be hit with a burning desire to mix cowboys and vampires- and I know you all will- I suggest throwing in a Deadwood DVD and reading a BloodRayne comic.
pencils by Mark Robinson, inks by me


Anonymous said...

Uwe Boll is a talentless tool.

Your work is pretty boss, though.

Erich Kuersten said...

well put on the Uwe Boll canon. I had to review HOUSE OF THE DEAD when it first came out awhile back, having no idea what I was in for and expecting only RESIDENT EVIL style bad-- yet funny as it was, it was also just not in the Ed Wood league... more like the FIRE MAIDENS FROM OUTER SPACE league.... sad sad sad.

Anonymous said...

My favorite Uwe? The Dolphins' kicker back in the '70s, Uwe von Schamann. That's a hell of a name, right htere.

But, hot damn, cowboys and vampires. You know, I missed the whole western kick as a kid, but the genius Deadlands role-playing game of Weird Western horror really charmed me in my 20s. So bloodsuckin' cowpokes? Hot damn.

Anonymous said...

If you're really in the mood for a cowboys-and-vampires mash-up, I heartily suggest you play Darkwatch instead of watching this movie. It totally rocks. Actually, I'd suggest sticking your hand in a waffle iron over watching Bloodrayne 2.

BTW, how is it that any of Uwe Boll's movies could have been profitable enough to warrant a sequel? They've also done House of the Dead 2, which premiered on yes, the SciFi Channel, and sucked something awful.

The McGuffin said...

That trailer is the most tasteless concoction since New Coke.

I think, I think...yep I did...I just threw up a little bit.

Anonymous said...

Pat Garret is the name of the guy who has the trucker haven in nowhere PA. Remember? The bad billboards, the sheepskin everything? I guess he's moved on from sheepskin to vampires. It's a logical next step.

Anonymous said...

You forget to mention that Billy the Kid in this movie is played by the Zack Ward, better known as SCOTT FARKUS from A Christmas Story.

Nastassia Malthe did impress me in Dead or Alive by being more believable as a samurai than Devon Aoki was.

CRwM said...

Poor Billy the Kid, he survived Billy the Kid versus Dracula only to end up here.


Sometimes it's like it ain't even worth being a famous outlaw, ya know?

Joseph Emmerth said...

Bloodrayne II: Deliverance?

You gotta be shitting me.