FINAL GIRL explores the slasher flicks of the '70s and '80s...and all the other horror movies I feel like talking about, too. This is life on the EDGE, so beware yon spoilers!

Jul 18, 2006

Blood Suck-er

As some of you know by now, I'm a comic book inker. Currently, I'm working on the book BloodRayne, based on the video game about a half-vampire chick who is a vampire hunter. Here's a page from the upcoming 3-issue mini-series, Plague of Dreams, which launches this August:As some of you may ALSO know by now, a couple of weeks ago I was parked behind a table at
Heroes Con
. When people found out that I'm working on BloodRayne, the number two question I was asked was "Have you seen the movie?"...the number one question, of course, being "Are those Bugle Boy jeans you're wearing?". I always had to answer 'no'to the movie question, although I'd heard it's terrible (it IS a Uwe Boll movie, after all) and I'm 100% sure that the comic book is better.

I figured that since it seems everyone else has seen BloodRayne and I am working with the character...I'd might as well prepare myself and watch the damn movie. I've seen Uwe Boll's other movies, so I pretty much knew what to expect- not much. He's really the modern day Ed Wood Jr., isn't he? I will admit, though, that House of the Dead was so unbelievably bad that I enjoyed it for all its wretchedness. In fact, there was this one zombie in the background who walked across the screen in such an absurd way that I had to rewind the DVD at least 8 times to see it- it filled me with the very heights of glee! If I ever meet you, remind me to show you how the zombie was walking because I love to imitate it.

To make a long story not-so-short, I watched the debacle that is BloodRayne last night and decided to do a cartoon review. The cartoon was drawn on the fly as I watched the movie, so forgive my unruled panel borders and general sloppiness. I hang my head in deep, deep shame.

And yes, I still stand by my claim: the comic is definitely 100% better than the movie.


Mistah Wade said...

I remember the trailer for this film was so bad, I thought it was made for a SciFi Channel movie. I was astounded to see it was a national theatrical release. After reading your review I am astounded that it was a national theatrical release. How did they get that cast?

Anonymous said...


congratulations, Dr. Boll. That's the single stupidest thing I can imagine from your filmography.

(I'm sure he's commited more foolish, more foul, more idiotic concepts, but I made a deal with myself never to watch anything with his name attached)

oh, I do know how he got the cast, though. Dr. Boll loves to brag about things like this, but apparently if you offer an actor something at the last minute (for example, Ben Kingsley two weeks before shooting), they have less time to REALLY pay attention to how terrible of a decision it is to be in
Bloodrayne, and usually will take the free trip to Prague.

The Retropolitan said...

You have to tell me at exactly what point to watch for the funny-walking zombie. I watch House of the Dead about once every two months, and it still makes me giggle.

Anonymous said...

Hey, Stacie Ponder, who penciled the panels from the BloodRayne comic you showed us? They're really good!

John Barleycorn said...

All of your movie reviews should be expressed this way. In fact, the entire site should be all comic booky. I love it!

Stacie Ponder said...

Randy- I hadn't seen the trailer before I saw this movie, but when it came out everyone said it looked like a Sci-Fi Channel movie! I watched the trailer last night after the movie and God, I don't know WHO would have wanted to check out the movie based on THAT. It was funny, though, to see what they were TRYING to do- casting characters as like "The Young Adventurer!"- knowing how the end result turned out.

Retro- she's in the scene that's in the middle of some wide open area. I think our "heroes" are surrounded completely by zombies and it's a shoot-em-up scene. You know, when a character will be shooting a shotgun, but then they get a slo-mo "action" shot and they're using, like, a handgun? Something totally different than what you just saw them holding? Anyway- here's how you walk like her.

1. hold both arms straight out in front of you.

2. have one arm go up while the other goes down.

3. make your arms go up and down (alternating, like a seesaw) really fast.

4. walk at a speedy clip and time the arm movements with your steps.

It's awesome.

Snarf- I love a bad movie, so I know exactly where you're coming from...but BloodRayne is pretty. Damn. Bad. You've been warned! ;) I'd suggest House of the Dead over this one for some so-bad-it's-good-ness.

Thanks, Brennan! I enjoyed doing the strip review on the fly. It kept me awake, for one thing. :P Have you checked out my other blog? It's all comic book-y goodness!

Stacie Ponder said...

Dammit, I just realized I misspelled Brennon's name. Yes, these things nag at me. Sorry, Brianna--Brennia--Brun--


John Barleycorn said...

I'm hurt.

Anonymous said...

Michael Madsen and Mullet = God.

Great toon!

Amanda By Night