FINAL GIRL explores the slasher flicks of the '70s and '80s...and all the other horror movies I feel like talking about, too. This is life on the EDGE, so beware yon spoilers!

May 4, 2006

goodbye Jason, hello Michael

Just as Mr. Voorhees has been put on hiatus by ol' Blind Lady Justice, Michael Myers comes out swinging...a little, anyway. According to an interview with screenwriter Jake Wade Wall at MovieHole, it seems that Halloween 9 is soon to be a reality. Sigh.

OK, it doesn't sound that bad, really- rather than simply making another Michael-kills-kids-on-Halloween flick (see Resurrection) or...god forbid...reigniting that whole Thorn crap (parts 4-6), Wall's script explores Michael's years in the institution at Smith's Grove. I think that's an idea worth exploring, if it's done well. You've got the "personification of evil" locked up in a building for 15 years or so...what happened? According to Dr Loomis in the first movie, Michael just sort of stared out the window alot, looking forward to his return to Haddonfield. I, uh, assume the movie will be more exciting than that, although having Michael stare intently out a window for 90 minutes could get the critics and snobs on board; it sounds very Warhol, doesn't it?

The bad news is, Mr Wall is the dude who penned the When a Stranger Calls remake. To be honest, I haven't seen it, so I suppose it's not fair to call it "the bad news". But then, who said I have to be fair? What am I, The Legend of Billie Jean? "Fair is fair" my ass!

Mr Wall is a busy man. He's also the writer of the upcoming remake of The Hitcher, which...yeah, ok. I'm not going to go into the anti-remake spiel. However, the remake will not have Rutger Hauer nor Jennifer Jason Leigh, so frankly...fie thee, Hitcher remake. Fie. Thee. Wall acknowledges that times have changed since the original film's release in 1986, mainly in regards to the fact that "picking up hitchhikers is a no no". Thus, he had to get the villain up-to-date for the remake. I quote:

"...nobody picks up hitchhikers anymore. So I had to work on making the villain a lot cleverer… more calculated.”

"A lot cleverer"? "More calculated"? Pointing out two fucking grammatical errors in one fucking sentence uttered by a fucking Hollywood screenwriter makes me feel a little snarky. Then again, I'm jealous and I want his job.


Anonymous said...

My only question is who are they going to get to play Loomis? Who looks like a (sort of) young Donald Pleasance, because in Halloween, he said "I spent eight years trying to reach him, and then another seven trying to keep him locked up".

I dunno. It seems like a weird thing to do with the Halloween movies.

Anonymous said...

Eep Op Ork, Uh-Oh. Nothing more I can think to say about these revoltin' developments.

"A lot cleverer...more calculated."

Oh, The Hitcher's gonna learn to be smart! It'll be more better!

John Barleycorn said...

A few points:

Whatever happened to Andrew Kevin Walker, writer of Se7en and 8mm? He was supposed to be the next big thing in horror. Now we've got this douche Jade Wade Wall (a ridiculous name) storming up the charts with his coleslaw slew of remakes. At least Walker knew dark ... this Wall character seems to be a bubblegum teenybopper with tiny tits.

Second, and more important: about the Halloween sequel. Uh, yeah. How could that movie possibly work? The series is popular because of its slasher elements. If Michael Myers went around the insane asylum slashing people up, he'd be put to death quicker than George W. Bush can say, "Uh, I don't know!" Also, if he's not slashing people to death, what exactly is he doing? I feel this is the point where Mr. Wall goes, "We'll tap into his subconscious -- make this an origins film using flashbacks!"

Flashbacks rarely work, because they're usually done poorly. And a movie about Michael Myers's backstory sounds more boring than a George W. Bush speech.

Halloween is infamous for its poorly made sequels. I can't see how Part 9 will be any better ... unless, of course, they call it

Stacie Ponder said...

I vaguely remember reading the novelization of the first Halloween waaaaaaay back when, and there was a good deal of time spent in the asylum. Couldn't tell you what exactly happened, unfortunately. Maybe he just stared out the window.

Since Hollywood and whoever else decides these things just won't let Halloween fucking DIE, I guess this is the most maybe-interesting route to take.

But then, yeah- Better yet,, wherein he lures girls "just like his sister" to some outpost and kills them...until a crack team of undercover detectives posing as the underage "JudithLOLpwned!!1!" nab him in a Denny's parking lot.

Now THAT I would pay to see. Eat my dust and kiss my grits, Jade Wade Wall!

Des said...

I'm sorry, what? I didn't hear you: I was busy throwing up in my mouth.

Anonymous said...

I once heard the Akkads would only stop making Halloween sequels if they got to Part Twenty, so we have a long line of bad Halloweens between here and H20 Part Deux.

Anonymous said...

But then, yeah- Better yet,, wherein he lures girls "just like his sister" to some outpost and kills them...until a crack team of undercover detectives posing as the underage "JudithLOLpwned!!1!" nab him in a Denny's parking lot.

You know, I could get Lions Gate interested in a crossover sequel with Hard Candy. Come on, candy = trick or treat, which just screams Halloween. We could call the movie Halloween: Bad Candy - The Night SHE Came Home. Just have your people call my people, we'll do lunch.

Clay McClane said...

Ya know, I've got a friend who's got a terrific original movie (ahem... The Guatemalan Handshake... ahem.) sitting in a cardboard box in his room while Hollywood continues to treat remakes like they've just discovered fire. While his broke self wrote this great and bizzare script, a screenwriter spouting grammatical car wrecks can't make room in his house for all the money that's pouring in.

There are so many of good, original movies out there that no one has seen. It's verges on surreal how H'wood keeps coming back to this idea.