FINAL GIRL explores the slasher flicks of the '70s and '80s...and all the other horror movies I feel like talking about, too. This is life on the EDGE, so beware yon spoilers!

Jun 17, 2020

"Ohio"

I tells ya, I don't know how many unfinished posts I have sitting in my drafts, but it surely numbers somewhere around a metric fuckton. Since we last spoke (with our eyes), I have started posts about movies I love, movies I do not love, and movies I have no particularly strong feelings for one way or the other. Every single one of those drafts immediately devolved into what I will generously call pandemic feelings, because how could they not? It is something that everyone in the world is dealing with--even those dum-dums who won't wear a fucking mask--so of course it must be acknowledged. And in case you haven't noticed, in addition to a GD pandemic, the world is on fire in other (vitally important) ways. Hundreds of people are marching every day, even if algorithms and the media have decided not to show us the protests anymore.

See how it happens? Now I have a paragraph of acknowledging the acknowledgments.

I mention all of this not only because it (sort of) explains that I haven't completely forgotten about this place, but because if you're a regular Gaylords of Darkness listener, then you may have noticed we've been absent a couple of weeks. This was a conscious decision, as a podcast talking about horror movies would just be taking up space and diverting from more worthwhile causes. We've been using our social media (Facebook, Twitter, Instagram) to boost other voices. There's often a dissonance when we talk about politics and the world at large on our show--like, there are literally children in cages at our border, while we sit here chatting about Nail Gun Massacre--and that dissonance has never been as pronounced as it's been lately.

Of course, there are a handful of horror movies that are extremely relevant to the current political climate, and one of those horror movies is Suspiria. You may have heard me mention it around here once or twice or 31 times.


Today, Gaylords of Darkness returns with our fourth episode about this masterpiece...and this time, Anthony and I are joined by Suspiria screenwriter David Kajganich and director Luca Guadagnino.

YES YOU READ THAT RIGHT. YES I AM DEAD.

You can listen to it here, or find Gaylords of Darkness wherever you kids conjure your podcasts--Apple, Spotify, whatever.

To say this opportunity and conversation mean absolutely everything is obviously the hugest of understatements. We chat for about an hour about revolution, representation, Final Girls, lesbian sex covens, and so much more. We talk about the film in ways I've never heard or seen it discussed! There are revelations! Revelations, people!

I don't know where we could possibly go with Gaylords after this (or heck, with Final Girl), but we're going to try. As we mention at the end of this show, we've got a small plan that makes us feel okay about continuing to record and publish episodes as the world rages. Consider following us on one of those social media platforms, because that's where we'll be announcing and updating in the next few days. I'll try to post about it here, too, but you'd probably have to read a paragraph of pandemic feelings to get to the good stuff, and who wants that?

Mar 17, 2020

A Wee Streaming Guide for These Troubled Times

Things sure feel weird right about now, don't they? I don't know about you, but I'm vacillating between It's just temporarily different! Everything will be fine! I'm feelin' good and I'm gonna get stuff done and I'm gonna watch all the movies and read all the books! and being completely consumed by a vague, existential dread/anxiety that leaves me unable to do much of anything. Oh well. We will all get through this together, by which I mean sealed away alone inside of our own homes. I used to pine for a real swamp hag cave or cottage, but now I'm thinking I'll end up in a big swamp hag hamster ball, rollin' around safe from germs, just cackling away. Something to look forward to!

But for now, we're all living that shut-in life. A kind Gaylords of Darkness listener wrote and asked if Anthony and I have any streaming horror movie recommendations for all of us in This Time of Plague. We sure do! And we've gone and made lists of 'em. This is not completely comprehensive, of course, but it ain't a bad place to start. Most subgenres are covered. There are classics that perhaps you haven't seen in a while and there's some you might not have seen yet. If you're looking for a particular film, I highly suggest checking JustWatch. It's a streaming service database that will tell you everywhere a film is streaming, whether for free or for rental. Oh! And also, Shudder is currently offering a 30 day free trial, if you use the code SHUTIN. I love Shudder.

Now how about some recommendations? Some of these we've discussed or mentioned on the show, some I've talked about here, and some we just enjoy.

Netflix: 


THE VVITCH
HEAD COUNT
AUTOPSY OF JANE DOE
CANDYMAN
CHILD'S PLAY
CULT OF CHUCKY
THE ENDLESS
THE EVIL DEAD
THE INVITATION
MOHAWK
TRAIN TO BUSAN
UNDER THE SKIN
MARIANNE
DRACULA
AS ABOVE SO BELOW
ROSEMARY’S BABY
THE RITUAL
GREEN ROOM
CARRIERS
EVENT HORIZON
FINAL DESTINATION
THE BYE BYE MAN (haha jk just wanted to see if you were actually reading this)
UNDER THE SHADOW
THE LAST EXORCISM
THE PERFECTION
AWAIT FURTHER INSTRUCTIONS

Hulu: 


THELMA
LITTLE MONSTERS
TRAGEDY GIRLS
MOM AND DAD
PYEWACKET
THE DESCENT
BUG (cockroaches that fart fire, you can't go wrong)

Amazon: 


SUSPIRIA
HEREDITARY
LAKE MUNGO
CHOPPING MALL
BONE TOMAHAWK
TRIANGLE
MIDSOMMAR
ANNIHILATION
NIGHT OF THE DEMONS
THE HOUSE OF THE DEVIL
THE NEW DAUGHTER
SLUGS
SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT PART 2
THE RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD
THE INNKEEPERS
NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD
THE TOWN THAT DREADED SUNDOWN (1977)
JACOB’S LADDER
NOSFERATU THE VAMPYRE
DOLLS
SPIDER BABY
LONG WEEKEND

Shudder: 



THE HOUSE OF THE DEVIL
BEAST
THE CHANGELING
DEEP RED
LUZ
ONE CUT OF THE DEAD
IN THE MOUTH OF MADNESS
HELLO MARY LOU: PROM NIGHT II
THE FOG
AUDITION
HELL NIGHT
SLUMBER PARTY MASSACRE II
KNIFE + HEART
THE WAILING
BLOODY BIRTHDAY
MADHOUSE
DEAD & BURIED
WAKE WOOD
THE OLD DARK HOUSE
SATAN’S SLAVES
STARRY EYES
DARK WATER
DEMONS
NOROI: THE CURSE
BLACK CHRISTMAS
THE EXORCIST III
BLOOD RAGE
THE HOUSE BY THE CEMETERY
THE LAST WILL AND TESTAMENT OF ROSALIND LEIGH
A TALE OF TWO SISTERS

Got a fave you don't see listed? Feel free to drop it in the comments! I know times are strange and stressful, but hey, if Angela Vidal can make it through [REC] then surely we can make it through this. Take care of yourself, take care of each other. Let's watch some horror movies.

Mar 10, 2020

News you can...well "use" seems strong, but

It's been a while. How are you? Are you too worried about the grippe, or not worried enough? Have you bought all of the toilet paper available in your neighborhood? How are you spending your quarantine? I will not lie, my swamp hag shut-in lifestyle actually lends itself quite well to this whole early-apocalypse scenario! It's those poor fools who enjoy things like "sunshine" and "fresh air" that have to worry. I always knew those things would ultimately be bad for me, and trust, my rickets and I are ride this one out just fine.

But! As the world burns and our lungs fill, there are other matters at hand. Important matters. Final Girl matters! Here are some of them:

Okay, fine, I haven't been posting here nearly as often as I should. But that ain't mean I don't still got lukewarm opinions sitting/dissolving under a heat lamp! They just require visiting places besides this website, which I know is hard. You've had this site and only this site open since what, 2005 or so? And your refreshes hardly ever bear cyberfruit.

However, if you've picked up issues of Rue Morgue in the last few months (and why wouldn't you? RM is the best), then perhaps you've seen my name, for it is there I've been a-reviewin'. One film I've seen and talked about for the magazine is Blood on Her Name, which SPOILER ALERT I dug a whole bunch. It's more neo-noir thriller than horror for sure, but who cares? It's intense and anchored by Bethany Anne Lind's fantastic performance. Rue Morgue posted an exclusive clip, which I'm posting here! Highly recommended.


The podcast I co-host, Gaylords of Darkness, continues apace with new episodes every Wednesday. We spent all of February (and then some) on a series we call Great Value Slashers, wherein we discuss slasher flicks that fall outside of the major franchises. Mind you, Great Value Slashers can and do vary wildly in quality--sure, we talk about the greatest of the Greats, like My Bloody Valentine, but we also talk about...whatever the fuck Nail Gun Massacre is.


I love them both! I love every movie we talked about, from Curtains to Don't Go in the Woods...Alone! to everything in between. In fact, the Great Value Slashers really reignited my love of the subgenre. Slashers are the reason I started this dang blog in the first place! They're the formative horror films of my youth! Rewatching the slashers of yore is a terrific way to spend some time. I admit I'm reticent to watch many (most) (all?) of the modern ones, but revisiting classics and trash-ics alike still holds a thrill. I'm looking at them with new eyes (or, to be more exact, older, worse eyes) and it's often a bit like seeing them for the first time. My tastes have changed since Final Girl was born, and I'm a different kind of viewer. A better one, I think. Or, at least, I want a little more out of horror movies than a demand that it scares me or I can make fun of it.

We'll be dropping a Great Value Slasher episode from time to time--there are so many movies to talk about, and my co-host Anthony and I have such fun with them--so give us a subscribe if you like! Gaylords of Darkness is available wherever you find podcasts, or you listen to episodes right on our website.

Lastly, Final Girl is nominated for a Rondo Award! Wholly unexpected, super wholly flattering. Here's a link to the ballot. It's all done by email (ballots are due by March 29th) and the list of nominees is a bit daunting. I'm down under Best Website. If you feel Final Girl deserves that, then gimme a vote why don'tcha.


Is that all the news? I think it is. I didn't like The Lodge. Maybe I would have if I hadn't already seen Goodnight Mommy and really disliked its last 20 minutes or so. Oh well. I'm excited for Saint Maud next month! Aren't you glad you know that now? Scratch this post title...this is all news you can definitely use.

Jan 30, 2020

A Tale of Two Caretakers

"I watched you go down, just as I watched her a year ago. Even in the same dress, you couldn't compare."

I felt a strange wave of affection towards the messy 1978 film The Legacy the other night. It's a very strange movie–probably not "good," if you care about that–but every time I watch it, I love it just a little bit more. I mean, it's got the smoldering babe coupling of Sam Elliott and Katharine Ross, wealthy Satanists, so many cats, an evil Frenchman, a sensitive 70s horror movie theme song, a fey Nazi, crossbows, black magic rings, beef jerky fingers...it's really something to behold even when it's not.

This time around I was really struck by the sinister Nurse Adams, the caretaker of the deathly ill, reclusive millionaire Jason Mountolive. If there's a main "villain" in The Legacy, it's her. She's mysterious, she prevents our heroes from going where they please and/or leaving the estate, and when death occurs she always seems to be nearby, whether in human or cat form. (Yes, she can shape-shift into a cat. What, you can't?)

More than anything, however, I was taken aback by the subtextual similarities between Nurse Adams and another sinister cinematic caretaker–possibly the most famous sinister cinematic caretaker of them all–Mrs. Danvers of Rebecca (1940).




(Side note: please forgive any janky-looking screenshots in this post...I have no way to get good captures from a Blu-ray.)

(Another side note: the limited edition Blu-ray of The Legacy from Indicator is stunning and jam-packed with bonus features.)

Mrs. Danvers is perhaps the most memorable thing about Alfred Hitchcock's take on Daphne DuMaurier's Rebecca. (Stephen King even named a (benign) housekeeper after her in the "Father's Day" segment of Creepshow.) She haunts Manderley as much as the ghost of Rebecca does, looming over The Second Mrs. de Winter and cruelly pressuring her to kill herself.

There's been miles and miles of column inches devoted to Danvers's motivations and inspired debates over whether or not she's a lesbian. Yes, the film is nearly 80 years old and her sexuality is still a point of contention. Danvers is instantly recognized in a "gooble gobble, we accept her, one of us" kind of way by gay audiences who are accustomed to finding themselves and their stories in the subtext of a film. (If you don't understand or know anything about the concept of queer coding in cinema and you care to learn more, I suggest you give the 1995 documentary The Celluloid Closet a peep. It's a good enough place to start.)

Quite simply, straight people simply have never had to read anything into a movie to see themselves. They're just...there, front and center, and they always have been. Because the need for subtext has never been a concern, they also often can't see it, regardless of how obvious it can sometimes be, and they refuse to be convinced of a character's sexuality (well, more to the point, a character's non-heterosexuality) if it is not blatantly stated and explicitly displayed. Essentially, necessity has spurred evolution, and gays have developed a kind of Predator-vision when it comes to looking at films, know what I mean? Cinephile allies may develop this to a lesser extent, or at least they might not refute a suggested gay outright.

Love doesn't have to be requited in order to exist, and it's obvious that Rebecca de Winter wasn't obsessing with her housemaid the way the housemaid was obsessing with her. Danvers waxes rhapsodic over the dead woman's clothes and beauty and manner of being. She reminisces about all her time spent brushing Rebecca's hair, about Rebecca calling her "Danny." Whatever fantasy she had in her mind about herself and Rebecca is destroyed when the truth about Mrs. de Winter is revealed: she wasn't a paragon of saintliness that maybe felt a connection with Mrs. Danvers...instead, she was sleeping with a lot of men. Danvers sets Manderley on fire and dies in the flames, echoing one of her taunts to The Second Mrs. de Winter: "He never loved you, so why go on living?"


Which brings me, at long last, to Nurse Adams in The Legacy. There's a lot of shared DNA between her and Mrs. Danvers, but their arcs are strikingly different.

In case you have no idea what The Legacy is about, here's what it's about: American couple Maggie and Pete find themselves in dotty old England after a mysterious, lucrative job offer. One motorcycle accident later, Maggie and Pete find themselves stuck in dotty old Mountolive Manor alongside six other folks who reveal themselves to be Satanists. Their patron, Jason Mountolive, is dying and is going to bequeath his legacy–get it??–to one of them. One by one the six die until there is only Maggie, who inherits Jason's super Satan powers and fortune. It's...complicated.

We first meet Adams as she watches Maggie and Pete embrace heterosexually when they arrive at the Manor. Adams and Pete are immediately at odds with each other. Pete wants to skedaddle ASAP, but Adams insists they stay at the Manor overnight, prompting Pete to sarcastically call her a "nice lady." Maggie convinces him they should stay.

How dare they!

A white cat is frequently spotted lurking around the Manor, meant to be a harbinger (if not the direct cause) of evil and death. By the end of the film we know that it's a shape-shifting Adams, and looking back at all of the appearances of this white cat gives us a rather informative glimpse into Adams and her...let's call them "interests."

Here is the cat, hanging out at the pool, watching something intently.


Here is Pete, hanging out at the pool, watching something intently.


What are they both watching with such intent, you ask?


Why. it's just a Lady Satanist, taking a relaxing, sexy dip in the pool.

You see, as "heterosexual" is considered default, it's automatically assumed that Pete is gazing at Lady Satanist with lust. So why can't Nurse Cat do that as well? Perhaps she'd like to gaze as plainly as Pete does, but she can only do so in her feline form. Lest you refuse the notion of queer coding and think sure, and later that Lady Satanist ends up dead in the pool! Nurse Cat was just watching her with a sinister gaze, not a lusty one, I offer a later scene, wherein Maggie is alone in bed and thinks she spies Nurse Adams watching her from the doorway:


When she pulls back the gauzy curtain, however, it's just that innocent ol' white cat again.


Maggie then brings the cat into bed with her, and they spend a lot of time cuddling. I mean, it's a cute cat, I'd cuddle it too.


But that's not just a cat, that's Nurse Adams, and she is literally just there to chill in Maggie's arms. In a stellar performance, that cat actor is really selling the bliss Adams is feeling! You can practically hear kd lang's "Constant Craving" playing softly in the background.


This bliss is viciously shattered when Pete enters the bedroom very heterosexually and clam jams it all to heck. Nurse Cat is immediately outta there, and as she jumps down she gives one of those guttural growls that cats do, you know, where they are royally pissed off and about to fuck shit up.


Near the end of the film, Pete attempts to stop Maggie from claiming her Satanic superpowers, but Nurse Adams blocks him from entering Jason Mountolive's medical chamber. Finally the hatred that's been brewing between the two of them boils over and they have a physical fight over, essentially, Maggie. Though she's in human form, Adams hisses and growls, and it's bonkers and hilarious–even more so when Pete throws her down the stairs and she meows all the way down. But! Nurse Adams is dead, and Pete, the walking personification of pure mustachioed heterosexuality, has won the day.


Or has he? Maggie, imbued with those Satanic superpowers, picks up Adams's lifeless (and once again feline) body and lo, Nurse Cat lives again. Maggie holds onto her, and Pete...well, he is so mad about it you guys.



Maggie is now the head honcho at Mountolive Manor and all of the servants line up to pay their respects. Nurse Adams decides this is the perfect moment to give Maggie a flower, as if they are both nervous 14-year-olds at a cotillion. Pete glowers (of course), but Maggie is into it.



In the film's final moments, all seems to be hunky-dory for Pete and Maggie. She has fully accepted her powers and her place, giving him one of the black magic rings to binds them together. While they sure chuckle about it, Maggie may not have the best of intentions: the ring cannot be taken off. This could mean that someday Pete will inherit Maggie's powers, or it could mean that someday she will kill him. (I told you, this movie is messy.)


Whatever the future holds for Pete, however, Nurse Adams will be there the entire time. Unlike that other sinister cinematic caretaker, when the truth about her mistress/obsession is revealed, Adams doesn't burn down the manor and die in the flames. Instead, she dies at the very heterosexual hands of her mistress's boyfriend...and then her mistress brings her back to life. Move over, Mrs. Danvers. Meow!

Nov 13, 2019

BLOODvember Day 13: FRIDAY THE 13th PART 2 (1981)


As you may know by now, I am nuts–NUTS I SAY–about the Friday the 13th series. I love the (relative) risks it's taken, I love its unabashed weirdness, I just...I don't know, at some point I really fell hard for this franchise. I'm not some big Jason fan, either! (At least, not after Part III.) I think maybe spending so much time with it when writing and drawing Death Count gave me some kind of Stockholm Syndrome or something because I feel a weird affection for the films in the series that I don't like...and trust me, the number of Friday films I don't like vastly outweighs the number I do (aka 1-3 and 5, if you must know).

For all the zillions of hours of Jason and Co, however, there's really only a small handful of moments that I've ever found legitimately scary. The biggest occurs near the end of Part 2, when Ginny is on the run from Jason and she comes across his little lean-to in the woods. She goes inside, thinking she might find help:


And boy oh boy! That's a terrible screencap, but seeing Jason through the window behind her, running toward the building, is downright terrifying. I love that he didn't disappear and they didn't try to build any mystery–you know, is he still following? Where will he appear? He's not trying to keep quiet. He's not trying to hide. He is still coming, running right at her. He knows exactly where she is. He's going to get to her, and he's going to kill her. It's just a really effective shot! That she's stumbled into his lair makes it even more frightening...and the fact that it's Baghead Jason chasing her makes it worth at least 100 chef kisses, for as all good people know, Baghead Jason is the best Jason.

Nov 12, 2019

BLOODvember Day 12: CREEPSHOW (1982)


I wasn't intending to post about Creepshow during BLOODvember. I really wasn't! Lawd knows I've talked about it enough around here over the years. I've mentioned my love for it several times on Gaylords of Darkness over the last year. I'm good, I thought. They know. They know how much I love it, how perfect I think it is. I've waxed rhapsodic about Adrienne Barbeau as Billie, I've mooned over the movie's varied approach to zombies. I've praised the music and the visuals and the EC Comics stylings. I've mentioned how funny it is, how scary it is, how it's as just good as the day it was born and how my feelings about it have never faded and it's a forever fave. They definitely know.

But ah! Funny I should mention the day it was born because lo, today is that day! On November 12, 1982, a bouncing baby Creepshow came blastin' outta...somewhere...and it planted itself right in the heartplaces of everyone who knows what's cool. So how could I not mention it today?

What's your favorite segment? As I've mentioned 1000 times, "The Crate"'s Billie is nonpareil. But overall it's not my favorite story! That honor, such as it is, goes to "Father's Day." It's morbidly funny. It's got one of the all-time great zombies. It's got Ed Harris doing that dance. It's got such a...well, such a Palm Springs-faggy vibe, it's absolutely the gayest thing Stephen King has ever written. It is the Dynasty-as-horror-movie of my dreams!


I love the Granthams. Carrie Nye is scathing, icy matriarch perfection. Richard is the quintessential "gay or just a rich Republican?" type. I like the cheeky nod to Rebecca with Mrs. Danvers, the housekeeper. Again, Cass and Hank getting down to that disco track is just everything. And, of course, there's dotty old aunt Bedelia, who never even makes it inside the house. She's got a tragic backstory but damn, I bet she was a fun broad to hang out with.

Honestly, if Creepshow consisted solely of "Father's Day" I'd still consider it one of my Top Tens for life and I'd still mention it ad nauseam. And I'd definitely still be celebrating it today. I'm so glad it exists.

Nov 11, 2019

BLOODvember Day 11: TRACK OF THE MOON BEAST (1976)


Track of the Moon Beast, a terrible film, has come up around these parts several times before because it made such such SUCH an impression on me as a child. I don't know how old I was when I saw it or even where I saw it. Maybe I caught it on Creature Double Feature, or maybe it was a retro first flick at the drive-in or something. That particular memory is lost like sands through the hourglass, but so are the days of our lives. But what I remember most from this movie about a man who gets hit in the head with a chunk of moon rock and subsequently turns into a murderous lizard-man, is a scene I wrote about a bit in-depth over at the blog Mermaid Heather...and that's a scene where a man gets killed off-screen and his blood oozes under the door when his wife goes to investigate.


That image was the total stuff of nightmares to wee me! It scared me to death, it grossed me out...man, that right there was the absolute height of horror as far as I was concerned, and it's stuck in my brain all these years. Watching it now, it's exactly as I remember it, in fact, but it's hysterical that I found it so terrifying because it's anything but. (Seriously, give a click if you want to watch the scene...it's some Z-grade shit!) Yet I also think it's so fucking cool that something so lame was so scary to me. Who knows what's going to scare a kid? Heck, who knows what's going to scare anyone? I love that I got so much out of Track of the Moon Beast; it's possible I'm the only person who did. (It's really bad!) I love the idea that any horror movie, no matter the budget or "quality," could be someone's favorite movie or could feature a shot or a scene they find indelible. Ain't art grand?

Nov 10, 2019

BLOODvember Day 10: BLACK CHRISTMAS (1974)


Black Christmas certainly has its share of iconic images. There's Billy's manic eye peeking out from behind the door. Claire's dead body and her expression of fear and shock under that plastic bag, rocking in a chair in the attic. And of course who could forget the glass unicorn, covered in blood and sparkling in the light as it's used to stab Barb to death?

It's all terrifying but man, this movie is incredibly unnerving right from the start, as we get Billy's P.O.V. as he climbs, unseen, into that sorority house. The scene that gets me though comes only a couple of minutes later, when the girls all gather around the phone to listen to a call from "the moaner."


It's the first time we hear one of his calls, but it's not the first time he's called. They've given him that nickname, and Barb mentions that he's "expanded his act" when he gets really nasty. But that doesn't mean they're not incredibly disturbed by the call–I love the way the camera pans around slowly, showing our main players in close-up, looking worried...and with good reason. The call is vile, describing in explicit, vulgar terms what he wants to do to them. We don't see him, and we don't know who it is; at this point, we're not connecting it with the man who climbed into the attic. The girls don't know who or where the call's coming from either, and while they have the safety of numbers, that phone call makes you feel how vulnerable they are regardless. It's stressful.

Barb tries to blow off that stress by playing it cool, by making some jokes. She gets a chuckle or two out of Phyl (always the kindest to Barb, wasn't she, except for that moment where she reached her limit?). But before long, even cynical Barb is unnerved. The phone call has reached insane heights, the squeals and voices making it sound at times like it's coming from Pazuzu over in Georgetown...but it ends with a calm "I'm going to kill you" that is an absolute shock. And you look at these girls and you know that whomever it is is going to make good on that promise (again, it's a slasher movie, after all) and you want to tell them all to get out right this minute, don't go upstairs, don't pack a bag, just go.

Margot Kidder, right? Barb could be such a one-note character but Kidder gives her so many layers–she's a crass party girl, quick with a joke or a biting remark, always downing too many drinks. From time to time we get little glimpses of the pain and hurt underneath it all–a look here and there, or an inflection. It's such a rich performance, particularly for this kind of film. They're all wonderful, really. I mentioned the Phyl-Barb relationship which is one of my favorites. Unlike the remake or so many other movies of its ilk, Black Christmas gets the friendships between the girls right. They argue sometimes, but they all care about each other. In fact, it's the reason why some of them end up dead: they check on one another, or they don't want to leave without each other. It's what's made this movie so eminently watchable all these years, beyond the scares and crazy killer and iconic shots. These characters aren't merely nameless teens, you know? They feel like actual human beings. What a concept!

Nov 9, 2019

BLOODvember Day 9: HALLOWEEN (1978)


I've seen Halloween so damn many times that I practically have every moment memorized, and it's been, like, four dogs' ages since it remotely scared me. I appreciate it so much that I almost don't appreciate it, you know? Like yeah yeah, Halloween's a favorite, Michael Myers whatever. I'm always going to cite it, but I sort of take it for granted, I guess.

That's not to say that I don't want to talk about it, because I do–especially considering the news that Kyle Richards will be returning as Lindsay Wallace in the next Halloween, which I refuse to call Halloween Kills because that's the stupidest title I've ever seen. I could talk about Kyle Richards getting bangs for the movie all day!

But when my mind goes to Halloween '78 these days, my thoughts immediately turn to Laurie, Lynda, and Annie, walking down the street after school, complaining about homework and teasing each other. Or maybe it's Annie and Laurie in the car, getting high and listening to Blue Oyster Cult. Michael Myers is almost secondary, an afterthought, lingering at the edges of my memories...which is kind of perfect, really, considering that throughout the film he's constantly lingering at the edges. He lurks like a motherfucker! Behind a corner or a hedge or a bedsheet on the clothesline, he's there and when you look back he's gone. Sometimes the characters (Laurie, mostly) spot him, but mostly he's only seen by us, standing in the background, just watching. It's what makes the movie so dang intense: we're aware of him, but no one else is. We know he's going to strike–it's a slasher movie, after all–but we don't know when.

One scene I love combines all of it: the lurking, one of the girls and her Debra Hill dialogue, and Kyle Richards's bangs, and that's the laundry room scene.


Annie goes to the detached laundry room to wash her pants, and Michael is there. He's at the door, he's at the window, he's everywhere. Annie is alone and vulnerable. She locks herself in and Lindsay, inside watching The Thing from Another World on TV, can't hear her calling for help. Why does Michael bide his time instead of killing Annie right then and there? Who can say why he does anything? He's a real creep!

Nov 8, 2019

BLOODvember Day 8: HELL NIGHT (1981)


Hell Night has always been one of my favorites, and if you want to know a bunch of reasons why, this post from 2012 (!) should clue you in. I can acknowledge that it's got some flaws and in the same breath tell you with absolute conviction: Hell Night rules! Gimme dat ol' spooky Garth Manor and I'm good, baby.

I long assumed everyone felt this way about it, that everyone's taste is as good as mine, but I've discovered in recent months that this is not true. Hell Night is not universally adored! I guess we really are living in the darkest timeline. Oh well. It still rocks my face off, so I'll just be sitting over here all gorked out on quaaludes and Jack Daniels while everyone else is off watching, I don't know, Insidiou5 or something. That's just fine! Go on, get outta here! It'll just be me and my quaaludes and my JD alone with this boss-ass scene, where Jeff and Marti (Peter Barton and Linda Blair) think they're safe because they've locked themselves in a room, but NO, they are NOT. Andrew Garth rises out of a trap door that was hidden under a rug. It looks lousy in the screencap but it's fucking rad as heck.


Hmm I posted about Hell Night in 2006 and then again in 2012...looks like I'm just about on schedule with today's post. Let's meet back here in, say, late 2025 and I'll tell you how much I love Hell Night again!

Nov 7, 2019

BLOODvember Day 7: THE TEXAS CHAIN SAW MASSACRE (1974)


The Texas Chain Saw Massacre is frequently–and rightfully–lauded as one of the greatest horror films of all time, but it doesn't always get the adulation it deserves as one of the most beautiful. It's truly packed to the gills with breathtaking shots, and it's a shame that cinematographer Daniel Pearl isn't praised every time Tobe Hooper's name comes up. Once you see this film, it is forever imprinted on your brain–because of its shocking grotesqueries, sure, but also because it's frequently flat-out stunning. The extreme close-ups of Marilyn Burn's eyes...the long shot of the van under all that sky...Leatherface doing his mad twirls as the sun rises...and, of course, that low tracking shot of Pam as she approaches the farmhouse. Even when we're repulsed by what we see (think of Pam falling into that room full of bones and feathers), we're also drawn to it because it's shot so damn well.

Because of this, it's a bit tough for me to choose but one moment to post today. But this one came up in conversation recently, so this one it is: Leatherface emerging from the darkness into the beam of Franklin's flashlight, chainsaw roaring:


It's a nightmare image. Kudos, by the way, to Gunnar Hansen for all the acting he does underneath that mask; whether it's wide-eyed mania, like we see here, or weird lip-licking or what, we get the feeling that Leatherface would be just as terrifying if he was just, you know, Normalface or something.

And, as always, kudos to The Texas Chain Saw Massacre for daring to make the disabled character the least-likable character, right? I will admit that on occasion I have felt some sympathy for Franklin because hey, he's got it pretty rough. He can't do anything right. He's stuck in that chair, in the heat, while his babe of a sister and all her hot friends go off to swim and make out and whatever. It's understandable that he's miserable, but then he takes it out on everyone around him, which makes them dislike him, which makes him more miserable and more likely to act out...it's just a big ol' ouroboros of awfulness. I don't know why I have been cursed to be the only person on the planet with a small modicum of Franklin feelings, but here we are.

One person who didn't have Franklin feelings was Marilyn Burns! Here is a chunk of an interview I did with her once upon a time, where we talk about Franklin and this scene above specifically:
Marilyn: Oh, God was he annoying! The thing is, that guy’s the nicest guy in the world, but I didn’t know it until 20 years later because he acted like Franklin the whole time, he was like a method actor. He continued to be just as whiny and horrible when they yelled “cut.” He’d sit in his wheelchair and say “Someone get me a Coke!” and we’d go “Hey, Paul, you’re not crippled. Get up and get it yourself.” Nyah nyah nyah- he’d whine! And I’m sure someone finally got the guy a Coke. It was weird. I should’ve known he was acting, but…it was 20 years later when I talked to him and he said “I felt so bad being so terrible!” and I’m thinking, “Paul, I thought you WERE terrible.” He was just doing his job, and I mean brilliantly, especially since we were so young then…who would have thought some jerk would stay in character the whole time and be such a terrific guy and you’d not know it until 20 years later?  
Stacie: Didn’t Tobe Hooper kind of set you two against each other to get emotion out of you?  
Marilyn: I know right before the flashlight scene, where we fight over it, he said “Paul said this about you” and then he went to Paul and said “Marilyn said this about you”, but it was already set. I mean, the whole shoot was real hard and the more Paul whined as a character the more we went “Oh God!”  But it worked good for the film, because we were ready to kill each other. 
Stacie: You can really tell in the scene outside the van, before you start pushing him and he’s honking that horn… 
Marilyn:  He was so damn…I mean, I didn’t really think I could push the guy, especially with all the brambles and brush. But it made it all funny later. Ha ha ha. Later.
It's probably one of the very few times that both the audience and the cast were happy to see a character get killed horribly. Well, at least he got to enjoy some gas station sausage before he died.

Wait, that was probably ground up people, right? Aw, poor Franklin! Couldn't have happened to a whinier guy.

Nov 6, 2019

BLOODvember Day 6: THE BEYOND (1981)


Y'all, I have had Fulci on the brain for quite some time now. At some point in the last year or so, I went from being a "some of his movies are okay" kinda gal to a "I REALLY LOVE SOME OF HIS MOVIES" kinda woman. I don't know how it happened, exactly, but I feel like some rom-com person who finally realizes that that nerd in glasses I've known forever is actually the love of my life, but then I realize I'm just looking in a mirror or something. I don't know. The point is, Fulci! I've got him on the brain but I've super got The Beyond on the brain because (GASP) I'm going to see it next month in a thee-ay-tur for the very first time, and Fabio GD Frizzi will be there performing the score live. I tells ya, I am so excited I could puke up my guts like I'm some lady in City of the Living Dead!

The Beyond is the second film in the Gates of Hell trilogy, which...what a trilogy. I really adore the concept of it, that somewhere out there (beneath the pale moonlight) there are seven gates to Hell just a-waitin' to be opened so the dead can spill forth and lay waste to us all. It's a terrifying thought! And not only because, according to Fulci, the deadpocalypse would be really, really gross.

But for all the memorable blood and goo and guts and eyeball trauma in The Beyond, it's this image from the movie's ending that really sticks with me. Non-believer John and Liza–poor Liza, who just wanted something to go right in her life for once–are struck blind and stranded in the dismal wasteland of Hell.


"And you will face the sea of darkness and all therein that may be explored!"

I mean, there are bleak endings, and then there's The Beyond. Not only will our hero and heroine suffer unjustly for an eternity, it's also that, as I said, Hell is a wasteland. No fires, no brimstone, no demons...the landscape isn't drenched in red, nor is it some Event Horizon-style bacchanalia of torture (or sex-torture, even) and gore. There is nothing. It all feels so hopeless, and the thought that this is what awaits us after death is enough to get me looking into cryogenics options. Or heck, maybe it's time for me to become the blood baroness I've always fantasized about being. Yeah, that's it. You're not gonna get me, sea of darkness!

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go take a bath. You know. In blood.

Nov 5, 2019

BLOODvember Day 5: THE DESCENT (2005)


Yes, that date in the header says 2005, and yes it is correct, which means that The Descent is almost 15 years old. And here I was, feeling ancient because The Witch is gonna turn five soon. Meanwhile The Descent is out here ready to start hounding all of us to get her learner's permit. Next thing you know it'll be "Can I borrow the car? We're meeting at the mall and then later we're gonna go to Friendly's" and I'll say "I thought you were going to Boreham Caverns?" and then she'll go "More like Boredom Caverns" and that's the last I'll ever see of her because she'll get eaten by crawlers whilst enjoying a Jim Dandy sundae, or perhaps a Fribble.

Anyway, I recently watched The Descent for, yes, an episode of Gaylords of Darkness and yes, it absolutely holds up. I thought maybe the bloom would have fallen a wee bit off the rose, but no. NO I SAY. It's still fantastic, still one of the best horror films of the new millenium, if not of all time.

One of the reasons for that is this utterly startling moment, when the crawlers are finally revealed in all their creepy. disgusting glory:


It takes so long to get there–this scene occurs about an hour in–and we don't care in the least. From the feelings of claustrophobia that are induced by all those too-small tunnels to the feelings of hopelessness because these women are well and truly fucked, we're already on edge and terrified. The crawlers show up, the violence kicks in, and our heroines are picked off one by one in rather rapid succession. I've seen it so many times now, yet I still hope that Sarah and Beth will get out...and Sam and Rebecca...okay, even shitty Juno and, yeah, I guess even Holly. Ultimately this movie is such a tragedy, but damn if it isn't gory, delightful fun in getting there.

Nov 4, 2019

BLOODvember Day 4: THE FOG (1980)


I know I've talked about John Carpenter's The Fog before, how I love it endlessly and dream of living a Stevie Wayne life. Heck, I bet I've even talked about this specific moment before...but I'm not gonna spool up the microfiche and dig through the Final Girl archives to find out. That's the past and I live in the now, baby, the 100% now where I wanna talk about poor Mrs. Kobritz. Because poor Mrs, Kobritz, amirite?


What a great shot from a great, scary scene from a great, great, scary movie. They wouldn't kill a gramma, would they? Fuck yeah, they would! Those ghosts snatch that nice old lady and her nice old cardigan and they beat her to death. It's wisely kept out of frame, but we know what's happening and poor little Andy knows what's happening and it's brutal. That sweater and that Q-Tip hair and those glasses have always reminded me of my gramma and phew! I admire the moxie of a movie where no potential victim is off the table even while it bums me out.

The Fog is a quick wisp of a film, so small and simple, just a bunch of terrific, moody set pieces all stitched together. Many of the characters don't meet face to face, or maybe they cluster together at the last minute as they seek shelter from the eerie, mysterious fog and the deadly ghosts lurking within it. The characters aren't overly well developed but it doesn't much matter. We know enough to feel like we know them, and we get invested in their well-being. Adrienne Barbeau is, of course, perfect and completely sells "helpless terror" as she watches the fog roll in from her radio station atop the lighthouse. In fact, you couldn't ask for a better cast for this yarn–it's jam-packed with Carpenter mainstays like Charles Cyphers, Tom Atkins, Nancy Loomis, and Jamie Lee Curtis, and rounded out with talent like Hal Holbrook, John Houseman, and Janet Leigh.

And what a yarn it is. Mr. Machen sets us up with a ghost story at the top of it and then we watch it all play out. And best of all, we learn some important life lessons: be nice to lepers, and do not steal!

Man, The Fog fuckin' rules!

Nov 3, 2019

BLOODvember Day 3: The Witch (2015)


First of all, I would like to point out the obvious (nothing but trenchant insights here at Final Girl!), which is that in January The Witch turns five. Five! Already! We are all rocketing toward the grave!

Anyway. What I love most about this New England folktale is its overwhelming atmosphere of dread. As William and his family pray and give thanks and ask God for blessings over their new plot of land, we see the long, foreboding shot of the woods, the home of the witches, and the leaves rustle in what we hope is just the wind...you can feel the evil watching, waiting, biding its time. We know that in the world of the film, the horrible tales are true. The witch is real, she is nearby, and she will bring about death and ruin. (For some. For others, she brings salvation.)

The entire movie is the very definition of a slow burn. It's a mood that keeps racheting up the tension until we're fit to burst. When the "horror moments" come, they are punctuation marks, made that much more startling by the unease that's been building since the start.

This is one of those moments:


Katherine, driven mad with grief and worry and hunger, imagines she cradles and nurses her lost babe Samuel. When the camera pulls back and we see it's actually a crow ripping and tearing at her breast...I said OH MY GOD out loud in the theatre without intending to. It's the most shocked I can recall being for the past, well, maybe ever. Completely unexpected, completely horrifying, completely insane. This movie rules hard.

Nov 2, 2019

BLOODvember Day 2: ROSEMARY'S BABY (1968)


It was true when I said it yesterday and it's true when I say it now: I've got Rosemary's Baby on my mind, y'all. My relationship with that movie has evolved a lot over the years; the first time I watched it, I did so expressly because it'd been dubbed, you know, one of the scariest all time movies, don't watch it alone, you're gonna pop your cork and never sleep again! I was a slasher-happy teenager at the time and "scary" was my absolute standard for whether or not I'd enjoy a movie. (Other, lesser standards of mine from that era: "has cuties," "is gross," "is cool.")

Needless to say, Rosemary and I didn't jive. It wasn't the kind of scary I was into back then, and frankly I couldn't see what all the fuss was all about. I didn't bother with it for years.

But our tastes change as we age, no? Most of the time they do, I think. You start to notice differences: maybe your tastes have hair where they never had hair before. Maybe your tastes aren't the sweet little tastes you remember...instead they're volatile and given to tell you that they hate you as they stomp into their bedroom and slam the door.

The point is, slashers are no longer my be all-end all horror movies, and what I consider "scary" these days isn't as limited as it was (not to mention, horror movies don't have to be scary for me to enjoy them).

All this to say that Rosemary and I very much jive now. The entire film is the very definition of indelible, so choosing one shot or moment has proven a challenge. But this one, I think, is my current winner:


Rosemary walks into the lair of the witches in search of her child and...it's so banal. So civilized. She's got that knife raised, ready for (another) fight, but it seems that she's walked into the middle of a regular cocktail party gathering. well-to-do older folks engage in conversation, hardly any of them paying her any mind. For a moment, we might think that Rosemary is off her rocker, after all...but after darting around the screen, our eyes finally settle on that bassinet; it's gone unnoticed despite being center frame because there's simply so much else to see.

I love that for all their urbane mundanity, their blending in to normal society, the Satanists can't help but go full goth with their choice in baby furniture. Only the blackest, most extravagant crib will do for the Son of Satan!

Nov 1, 2019

News you can use!

In all of last month's (is it "last month" already?) Suspiria madness, I neglected to mention a few other things I've got going on that may be of interest. Or they may not! I don't know what you like. The point is, I'd might as well spill some beans now.

To help the fine folks at FanByte celebrate all things spooky, I wrote 'em two pieces this week. And they posted them! First, a case for why Annabelle is the queer horror icon 2019 deserves. (That one elicited many a "bro whut" comment on the social media from their readership, much to my delight.) The second is an examination of some of the new Final Girls in horror and how the trope has evolved since the slasher heyday.


I've got a few reviews in the newest issue of Rue Morgue, on newsstands now! It feels nice to be back in their pages again. Also, I am dying to see The Lodge.


As always, there is a new episode of Gaylords of Darkness every Wednesday. But this week I also appeared–well, my voice did, at least–on another podcast. I joined Colin Drucker for an episode of his delightful show In the Details: A Celebration of Nuance where we positively plotzed over Ruth Gordon's performance in Rosemary's Baby. Watching that movie in preparation for his show...man, it had been a while and I was just about overcome with its absolute perfection. It's perfect, isn't it? What a marvel. You can find Colin's show on iTunes, etc–you know, wherever podcasts are conjured.


Last but MOST DEFINITELY NOT LEAST: We're having our first live episode of Gaylords of Darkness this December!

On Friday, December 13th!

Where we will also be screening Friday the 13th 1 & 2 on 35mm!

AND CONDUCTING A Q & A WITH SPECIAL GUESTS ADRIENNE KING AND AMY STEEL!

Friday the 13th. Friday the 13th Part 2. On Friday the 13th. Alongside the films' respective Final Girls. 

I cannot believe this is a real thing.

All of this is happening at the Hollywood Theatre in Portland, OR. Tickets are already in presale for members of that theatre; tickets for the general public go on sale Monday, November 4th at noon PST.

I am losing my mind over this.

All the non-movie bits will be recorded and will be available as an episode of our show at some point after.

I honestly have to pinch myself. It is going to be amazing!


I think that's it for now. You have to admit, there's some pretty fucking great news in this post!