so i made a movie: VOYEUR, part four

Finally! I know you've been holding your breath with anticipation, but it's finally here: another installment of So I Made A Movie. Voyeur is a short film written by, directed by, and starring Shannon Lark. I acted as cinematographer.

We just know how much you dug our silly write-ups for Ludlow, so we decided to continue the series. See what you've wrought? This is what happens when you pay attention to us. Part One can be read here, part two here, and part three here.
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SHANNON LARK: Once Stacie and I met the camera guy (no quotations this time guys, it’s my birthday today and I feel like doing whatever the hell I like) in the kitchen to get the footage transferred. Oh boy…to make a long story short that would drag on indefinitely, we hooked up the S x S adapter to my hard drive and imported the footage onto my laptop. However, I did not have the proper software (nor did I know I was supposed to have this software) that would convert the now imported the BPAV files to quicktime, nor did we have internet so I could attempt to download the software from Sony’s website.

So we imported it into the camera guy’s laptop, where he converted the files. We transferred the converted Quicktime files to my computer and it was a no-go. I couldn’t see them, nor could I see them in my editing program. I use Windows still (I know, I know, I suck) and my editing software is Adobe Premiere, while the camera guy uses a Mac and Final Cut Pro. After much ballyhoo and all three of us trying to figure out what we are going to do with these stupid files, we decided that the camera guy will keep a copy of the footage, I would keep a copy of the footage, and Stacie and I would go back down to LA and use her Mac which conveniently has Final Cut Express.

STACIE PONDER: This is a prime example of why I love using tapes. Yes, a large part of bias is due to the fact that I'm old and I mistrust all technology (and these kids today, with their low-slung pants), but mostly it's just that…well, I guess it's because I mistrust technology. Sure, things can go wrong with footage on tapes, but for the most part you don't have to worry about corrupted files and incompatible systems. What really sucked was that once Camera Guy split, Shannon and I wouldn't have instant access to the footage. I was a bit worried that we'd encounter problems back in Los Angeles and all of our hard work would disappear into the ether.

SHANNON LARK: The camera guy left as I woke up the sleeping Pippi and we put the apartment back together. Pippi had taken pictures of Harry’s apartment before we moved everything aside, so we got the pics and she arranged everything back to where it was. Stacie and I walked down to the parking garage and got her car after I ran up to the pay window and saw my favorite attendant, Wen, behind the glass. He practically jumped out of his seat when he saw me. At first I thought it was because he hadn’t seen me for 6 months, but then I realized I was still covered in fake blood. I bumbled through explaining that even though it was daylight outside and I was covered in blood, it was just “what I do…you know...movie stuff.”

I jumped in the car with Stacie and we motored back to Harry’s, moving all of our crap out of the apt and into the car. I left a thank you note for Harry and all three of us left the apartment, shutting the door. It was 7:30am.

STACIE PONDER: I was so exhausted that it seemed as though the ground was undulating beneath my feet. I felt like my eyes were going to fall out of my eye holes- I can only imagine how wiped Shannon must have been, considering all she'd been through during the shoot- but then I got a second or third or eighth wind…at least enough to get us home.

SHANNON LARK: We dropped off Pippi at her car and drove back to Darren’s. Stacie was still, somehow, a badass driver after being up for 24 hours. Honestly I think she might be an alien.

We dragged more crap up to Darren’s so I could reorganize and burst in the door, laughing hysterically. I still had my sunglasses on and if one didn’t know it, they might think I was drunk, or maybe still tripping on LSD I took the night before. That’s one of the many things I love about filmmaking: it truly gets you high. Higher than any drug you’ve ever taken before (except ecstasy). The feelings you derive from finishing a shoot is truly astounding. Filmmaking isn’t easy, and Stacie and I rocked its rapey-ass!

STACIE PONDER: Poor Darren wasn't quite sure what to think, no doubt. I felt- and probably looked- as if I'd just completed a tour of 'Nam, and we were barely coherent as we lugged all the bags into his apartment. I'm not sure if this cracked-out euphoria is due to the filming itself, or to the fact that we film intense stuff for far too many hours in a row and by the time we're finished our brains are leaking. Either way, it's pretty fucking awesome, if irritating to everyone else we encounter.

SHANNON LARK: After much needed showers, we hit the sack, and we hit it hard. I awoke a couple hours later and started repacking and organizing. Stacie woke up shortly after and we had chicory coffee and attempted to download the appropriate software to convert the footage to QuickTime files. Hmmm….yeah. Darren even jumped in to help us until we realized that the software is actually not compatible with windows. The prospect of not being able to access this footage hit me, and it was terrifying.

STACIE PONDER: See? Technology. You just can't trust it. Alright, so maybe it's not the technology's fault per se. It is, however, as the old saying goes: "If Camera Guy had given us all of the correct information beforehand, chances are we would have avoided most of the fucking problems with the footage transfer because we would have known what the fuck we were doing."

SHANNON LARK: So we packed up, drug all of our crap back down to the street, got in the car, and drove to Stockton to meet Pippi at a hotel she reserved for us to share. The ride out there was fucking HOT, and we were drenched in sweat by the time we made it to beautiful Stockton. Stacie and I like to be hardcore, and we like the idea that we like to be hardcore, and can sleep ANYWHERE. But it was truly wonderful to get into a nice hotel room with beds. I took another shower and got ready for the Viscera screening that Pippi organized at the Plea for Peace Center.

STACIE PONDER: The ride was ridiculously hot, which didn't do much to perk me up. Apparently the highway between San Francisco and Stockton runs directly through the bowels of Hell. The hotel room was totally worth it, though, as it was much nicer than what I'm accustomed to when I'm on the road (ahem, Ludlow Motel)…big ups to Pippi for scoring it! Wait…does "big ups" actually mean anything? Is that what the kids are saying nowadays?

SHANNON LARK: Stacie and I met her down there about an hour later, and we met her awesome friend Cherry and saw Reyna Young and Co. I bought Stacie an ice pop for being my pal and we watched the Viscera films and did a Q & A afterwards, where Stacie even like…spoke! It was nice just to sit down in a chair. I was exhausted and bruised on my ribs, arms, legs, really all over my body. I guess that what happens when someone beats the shit out of you repeatedly. :)

STACIE PONDER: It was my first ice pop in years. YEARS I SAY, and it will probably be my last. Nothing against ice pops, really, it's just that we don't tend to run in the same circles anymore. I just…I think I'm in a different place now than I was when I was having ice pops all the time- and I'm not saying it's any better, nor any worse…it's only that we've grown apart. Err…anyway. It's always a treat to revisit the first round of Viscera films. What was really interesting to me was watching Shannon's early films- after watching her work in Ludlow and Voyeur, it's obviously how much she's grown as an actress and filmmaker in a short time. Watching "It's My Birthday", for example, I couldn't help but think, "Aww, it's Baby Shannon." Oh, and I did speak at the Q & A, although I'm not exactly sure why.

SHANNON LARK: We hit the local Stockton bar afterward, which was an interesting social experiment of lonely, desperate, drunk men in America. It really felt like home to me and provided deep nostalgia I found humor in.

The next morning I made a visit to the hot tub at the hotel and we got an amazing breakfast at a local Mexican restaurant (oh my lord shrimp tacos!). Stacie and I said goodbye to Pippi and hit the road to Sasquatch Mountain to see some big ass trees.

STACIE PONDER: I was SO EXCITED to see the big ass trees. I couldn't get wait to get there. At some point before we left Stockton, Shannon said to me something like, "It's too bad we can't go camping…" to which I naturally replied "Well, why CAN'T we go camping?" Before you could say FUCK YEAH, we hit a Target and picked up a little tent, 2 flashlights, 2 coffee cups, and an aluminum percolator. What else could we POSSIBLY need for 2 nights on Sasquatch Mountain?

honk honk, vroom vroom!

I just realized that this post title might be a wee bit misleading. After all, the hearse in The Hearse (1980) doesn't honk- no, my friends, the hearse from The Hearse is not the car from The Car- and to be honest, it barely vrooms. Alas, I've already written the title, though, and there's no turning back now. It's not as if I can just change it.

Jane Hardy (Trish Van Devere) is a recently-divorced schoolteacher who's barely coping with the also-recent death of her mother. Once summer vacation hits, Jane gets all "You know, I've been to paradise, but I've never been to me!" and decides to spend the summer at the country house she's inherited from her long-dead aunt.

The driving montage that shows Jane leaving her San Francisco-flavored worries behind as she heads to "hick town" is accompanied by some sweet-ass quality dreamy music. I was so hoping that The Hearse would continue the legacy of The Legacy and vocals would kick in- maybe by Charlene or Melanie or even, if the budget allowed, Phoebe Snow- and I'd be treated to "Getaway (theme from The Hearse)" or some shit, but it wasn't meant to be.

As the sun sets, things go from creamy and dreamy to downright sinister! The music becomes grating, Jane starts- oh God!- yawning, and she has a fender bender with...dun dun dunnnnn...the hearse! Before they can exchange insurance information, the hearse speeds off into the night. This lets the audience know one thing right off the bat: whoever's driving that hearse is a scofflaw! This does not bode well for Jane.

Things don't get much better once she finally moves into "The Old Martin Place": doors close on their own! Music boxes won't stay put! Jane sees the ghost of her aunt in the window! Teenagers catcall as she takes her early morning jog!

Also, the townspeople are acting like real jerks. We're left to wonder what the deal is- does the town have a cuckoo secret? Are they gearing up for some sort of macabre lottery? Does Jane have embarrassing foot odor? Well, horror fans, it's all of that...and more!

Wait, sorry, I mean it's none of that.

Jane unearths her aunt's diary only to discover that she was a devil worshipper, lured to the Satanic side by her sessy boyfriend. What are the odds? Cranky, boozy attorney Walter Pritchard (Joseph Cotten) explains the deal behind the hearse and its scar-faced driver that keep terrorizing poor Jane: decades ago, the hearse carrying her aunt's coffin exploded while crossing a bridge. The coffin and the driver disappeared, and no one knows what happened to them.

And no one ever will, because The Hearse doesn't explain a GD thing. Jane suffers nightmares and run-ins with the car, but why, exactly? Is she actually her aunt, reincarnated? Has she been a ghost all this time? Does her aunt hate Jane and want her to die? Feel free to make up your own theory, because the film just kind of stops with no resolution whatsoever, as if everyone involved got fed up with shooting, threw their hands up, and said "Let's just end this fucking thing!"

The Hearse is not an altogether unenjoyable...ahem...ride, but I can't claim it's exactly satisfying, either. Although not much happens whatsoever, there are some creepy sequences and Van Devere commits to the material. It's fun in that sort of nostalgic way; in the late 70s and early 80s, supernatural thrillers like this were the bloodless antithesis to the omnipresent slasher flicks. There are far better entries in the subgenre out there, though- why, you can even check out Trish Van Devere in a film I mentioned just the other day: The Changeling. Come to think of it, though, that movie doesn't have a theme song either...

other stuff

Yes, other stuff is totally happening at AMC! Feel free to check 'em out and flap yer gums: this week I'm talking about Asian remakes...I know, I'm the very first person on The Information Superhighway to discuss the topic. I'm nothing if not timely!

Last week, my column about The super duper best kills of the Friday the 13th film series was posted. I wasn't here to tell you, and now you feel as though you're falling behind what's cool and with it, right? I know, I'm sorry. It'll never happen again, I swear*. Here's a little something to make up for it.




*It'll totally happen again, probably soon.

15 more horror films i'd like to see

Depending on how much booze you've had so far today, you may or may not remember that once upon a time, I wrote up a list of 50 Horror Films I'd Love to See. Then I created Ghostella's Haunted Tomb, and made the leap from dreams to reality with a few of those titles: Who's Been in the Herb Garden?, Taste of Flesh, Taste of Fear, and Deadly Dress 4: Never a Bride are just a few of the titles turned movie (using that term loosely) that the world can now enjoy (using that term even looser). Who knows, then, what may happen with this list of 15 More Horror Films I'd Like to See? WHO KNOWS? For now, I simply anticipate that it will be read, unless you rightthissecond leave this page, which- let's be honest- would be a bit silly seeing as how you've already read this far.

Anyway.

1. Curds: The Legend of Fungal Joe
2. Children Are the Corn
3. Don't Look in the Pie
4. The Homewrecker, Part 5: Tupperscare Party
5. I Was a Teenage Chupacabra
6. The Devil's Mudflaps
7. Rod Roddy Has Risen From the Grave
8. Supercide Me
9. Death Loaf
10. The Curse of the Haunted Ghost
11. It Only Hurts When You Stab Me
12. I Kill, You Die
13. Death Face 2000
14. Revenge of the Furnituremaker: Bloody Stools
15. The Tell-Tale Vagina

Here's a bonus title that doesn't obviously jive with the genre: Carny Asada

If there's one thing I've learned from writing down these 65 titles, it's that I'm obviously wicked into the idea of horror movies that somehow involve corn.

scenes i love - the changeling

A red rubber ball bouncing down the stairs.

I only feel a little bit foolish for getting so freaked out by it.

the end of the beginning of the end

First off, let me just say that I have no clue what that post title is supposed to mean. Hopefully you can find some sort of deep symbolism or what have you.

Kids, tomorrow's the big day! Which big day, you ask? Well, it's the big day where I head back to Ludlow to finish shooting Ludlow. Hooray! You know what that really means? It means we're all getting to that time when I no longer have to talk incessantly about this damn movie because I will no longer be thinking incessantly about this movie. What a glorious day that shall be!

So, I'll be back in a week's time. Shannon Lark is here (duh...although I did toy with the idea of replacing her with Sarah Chalke for the remaining scenes) (that's a Roseanne reference) (I fucking love me some Roseanne) (seriously, I get trapped when Nick At Nite or whatever shows 50 Roseanne episodes in a row...I can't stop watching) (I'm like a chain smoker except instead of smoking, I'm...you know...watching episodes of Roseanne) and we've got several big big days planned: finishing Ludlow, shooting one of her short films, shooting a trailer for one of my films (ooh la la!) and camping for two days in Death Valley. All that in a week? Pfft...no probs.

However, the average summer temperature in Death Valley is right around one million point three; therefore, if you don't hear from me some time next week, please send a search party out to look for our shriveled-up corpses. Hooray again! HOORAY AGAIN I SAY.


I'd like to give one last round of thanks to everyone who donated, even if you could only spare some kind thoughts. Your generosity is overwhelming, and it's amazing to have people believe in us and this project...and thanks to all of you, the scenes we're adding to the film are the best yet. I just hope you end up liking the finished product...I'd hate to have you embarrassed that your money went to (and your name is attached to) some piece of dook.

Watch lots of horror movies whilst I'm gone!

Oh my lord, I love Briefcase Woman.

Yes, and YOU, Charles Nelson Reilly.

Oh, and YOU, dear readers!

A poll for you----eh, never mind

In the interests of synergy, I was about to create a poll in order to determine the most annoying secondary character in horror. I began listing out the jerks who are so jerky you just sit there hoping they'll die soon: you know, guys like Shelly from Friday the 13th Part 3, the rednecks from Friday the 13th Part 5, Steel and Rickles from Day of the Dead...but then I ran into a problem. A sweaty, sausage-chewing, spit-spitting, wheelchair-bound, pee pee in a can problem...a problem named Franklin. Yes, Frankin from The Texas Chain Saw Massacre. More specifically, the problem is that no one in the history of horror or, indeed, ever is more annoying than Franklin. It's just not possible, and I mean that in a most scientific sense. I've done the math, people, and he's the annoyingestest. EST. Evarrrr.

As I sat dealing with my sads over not being able to create a poll for you to click, an idea came to me. Why not create a diff'rent poll? I mean, if being diff'rent is good enough for strokes, then it's good enough for polls.

Okay, that barely makes sense. Regardless, click and say your say!

WHICH IS THE MOST ANNOYING:

Franklin

or

This

Personally, I'm going for Franklin. Yes, the noise is annoying, but at least it doesn't smell like sausage.

poll by twiigs.com

awesome movie poster friday - the HAG HORROR edition!

The other night I watched Hush...Hush, Sweet Charlotte and since then I've had hag horror on the brain. I'll admit, using the name "hag horror" (or its sister term, "hagsploitation") is ageist, sexist, and many other 'ist's that leave me feeling like a bad feminist. And yet...I think it's funny. Oh, what a moral dilemma!

What can I say? Give me Bette Davis wearing pancake makeup and screeching like a right wackadoo and I'm all over it.

Hey, you...

...have you ever found yourself sitting around thinking "Hmm. If Jaws from Jaws and Mega-Shark from Mega-Shark vs Giant Octopus ever got into a kinda-fight, that might be neat. Gosh oh golly, I wonder who would win!"?

Really? ME TOO! So I decided to talk about just such a thing over at AMC. Gosh oh golly!

"I say...a most amusing rumination."

it's the final countdown!

do do do doooo
do do do do doooo
do do do doooo
do do do do do do doooo
do do doooo
do do doooo
do do do do do do doooo
do dooooooooooooooooo

Umm. What I mean is, I'm fixin' ta head back out to Ludlow in five mere days! Five! Mere! Days!

The scenes to be added have been written, and I'm not exaggerating in the least when I say that the footage WILL MAKE THE MOVIE LONGER.

As this was my intent, I am quite pleased.

The motel room has been reserved...sorta. I drove on out to Good Ol' Luddie a couple of days ago and requested a stay in Room 8 (where we'd originally filmed) next week, only to be told that Room 8 is not being rented at the moment. There's a broken air conditioner and "other problems". I certainly shouldn't be surprised that I've already encountered some sort of difficulty out in that hellish wasteland- really, duh. Doy doy, even. But still, man- fuckin' Ludlow!

I have no idea what's going on in Room 8, but I feel fairly certain that it was built over an Indian burial ground and the dum dum developers only moved the headstones.

Anyway, Shannon and I will soldier on as we do and Ludlow will be in the can in a week's time. That said, this is my final fundraising push! Seriously, you guys have been amazing with the donating. A. Maze. Ing. I'm ever so thankful, and with your help we're going to shoot the most EXTREME MOUNTAIN DEW STYLE scenes yet. I can't wait.

If you haven't given yet and you'd like to, click here to find out how- or just click the Paypal button on yonder right. Please, spread the word in these scintillating final hours!

To further tempt you, don't forget the goodies: the person who donates the most will receive a painting- this you already knew. However, there are now BONUS INCENTIVES! 2- yes, TWO- lucky folks will be chosen at random to receive a special Ludlow-related prize. A prize. Related to Ludlow. Ludlow the town. Prizes from the infamous Chevron station. Prizes that are, in the truest sense of the word, PRIZES. A $10 donation gets your name into the Super Ludlow Prize Raffle AND into the film's credits. That's a win-win if I've ever heard of one, and believe me- I have.

Besides, how can you resist helping out a girl who so clearly enjoys being doused with blood?

I Heart: Black Christmas

Originally, I'd intended this post to be one of those quickie afternoon delights in the "Scenes I Love" series: a screen cap, a comment (or not), in, out, wham, bam, I would say "thank you ma'am" but now I'm all itchy and burny and worried, done. Then I ran afoul of a most serious problem, one entirely unrelated to my itchy and burny condition: see, once I start thinking about Black Christmas, I can't stop. Choosing just one scene in the film to highlight was impossible, because I heart the whole damn thing. Of course, I've talked about this movie so many times that you probably already know of my unhealthy obsession with it; this post, for example, talks a bit about why I'm so cuckoo for...err...for...Black...Christmas...puffs.

Wow, that's bad. But my intentions are true! I couldn't pick one favorite scene over any other, so I decided to simply list a bunch of reasons why I Heart Black Christmas.

And if you think I'm talking about the 2006 version, then...well, I was going to say that Final Girl may not be the place for you, but that's not true. I welcome all! You like what you like, I'll like what I like, and we'll still be friends. Fear not, for I see your true colors shining through and they are, in fact, beautiful like a rainbow. Like a rainbow made of macaroni.

Seriously though, I fucking hated Black Christmas '06. But here are eleven reasons why I love the original film!

1. The booze wreath

Sorority sister Barb has a wee bit of an alcohol problem, only in that she's always drunk and even proffers booze to kids at the holiday party. Maybe she acknowledges her weakness via holiday crafts; maybe the girls gave it to her as a joke. Whatever the case, I want one.

2. The phone tap

3. The body in the park

Mr Harrison is relieved to discover that the body of a young girl found in the park is not that of his missing daughter, Claire. She was still someone's daughter, however. It's unclear whether or not the girl was killed by the sorority house killer; there's a possibility that it's a tragedy entirely unrelated to the tragedy about to unfold a block away, meaning there are two killers in this tiny college town.

4. The body in the attic

Her last breath was an inhalation.

5. The bodies in the bedroom

Finding the bodies of all your friends has become such a slasher trope it's entirely expected in this day and age. Though John Carpenter really popularized the archetypical scene in Halloween, Bob Clark was doing that up in Canada years earlier.

6. The phone calls

They just get to me, what can I say?

7. Death by crystal unicorn

This really needs no explaining, but in case you don't get it: someone is killed WITH A CRYSTAL UNICORN.

8. The abortion subplot

Hey, remember the days when there was a bit of characterization, even in slasher films? Yeah, me too.

9. Margot Kidder

Speaking of characterization, how 'bout that Barb, huh? Everyone loves the "Fellatio 2-0880" bit, sure, but it's the "Mating Rituals of Turtles" bit that's really the keeper. Barb's the obnoxious, embarrassing drunk that no one really likes- including her own mother- and it's in the moments after she makes a fool of herself when Barb lets on that she knows no one likes her, so why should she be anything but her obnoxious, embarrassingly drunken self? Kidder brings it, y'all.

10. The eye

Recently good ol' Arbogast left a comment on one of my posts: "Nothing, but nothing, beats an eye looking through a hole." Now, to be honest, I have no idea whether or not he meant it. I have difficulty telling sometimes. I, however, agree with the sentiment..and while Black Christmas employs "eye through crack" instead of "eye through hole", it really doesn't get any better than this shot. Really. It's completely terrifying.

11. That moustache on the left

Sorry for the oversight: this film deserves three entries in the Horror Moustache Hall of Fame, not a mere two.

There are people who do not like Black Christmas. As you may have gathered, I...am not one of them.

awesome movie poster friday - the CRAP I BOUGHT ON VHS RECENTLY edition!

Yes, it's true- I recently bought these movies on VHS for cheap cheap cheap. Where oh where? Why, at my pal Eric's store, that's where...or as it's more commonly known, Spudic's Movie Empire. Los Angeles locals, it's a great place to browse. Everyone else, you can still get movies from Eric via the magic of mail order. He even does special orders, y'all. Yee haw! I've got some movies to watch, some of which I've (gasp) never seen.