Amicus Week: Day 3

I'm two-for-three with the Amicus Collection, friends. Yesterday I done told you how much I liked And Now the Screaming Starts!, right? Well now I've seen Asylum (1972), and man. MAN. MAN, I SAY. Honestly, I could write a six-word review and be done with it. Don't believe me? Try this on for size:

Holy friggin' crap.
This movie rocks.

See? Short and sweet. Were I simply to leave it at that, we'd all have a lot more time to get other things done. I write less, you read less. But that's not much fun now, is it? I mean, it's not as if you have anything better to do, whilst I have a Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots reference I'm just dying to use. Let's get on with it!

Asylum boasts one of the most ridiculous wraparound stories ever, so you know right off the bat that this movie is gonna be something special. Dr Martin (Robert Powell) arrives at Dunmoor Asylum for the Incurably Insane, expecting to interview for the senior houseman position with the asylum director, Dr Starr. However, he's informed by acting director Dr Rutherford (Patrick Magee) that Dr Starr has flipped his lid and is now a patient at Dunsmoor. Rutherford decides that instead of an interview, Martin should be given a test: he is to interview four patients, one of whom is actually Dr Starr. If Dr Martin guesses correctly as to which one is Starr, he gets the job, hooray! That's called professionalism, kids. I mean, it's not like he asked Dr Martin to guess which number between one and ten he was thinking of...this is a very serious test for a very serious job.

Very serious, indeed! As Dr Martin climbs the staircase leading to the patient rooms, he passes by lots of old-timey drawings on the walls, depicting the incurably insane engaging in various incurably insane shenanigans. The swelling music lets us know that these pictures are ominous and frightening. Behold...if you dare!

Oh, those wacky old-timey mentally ill folks. They're so whimsical, just like in Benny and Joon! But even better, because they wear those powdered wigs!

Anyway, Dr Martin meets the first patient, and we get our first story...

"Bonnie" aka FROZEN FEAR

Poor Walter (Richard Todd)- there he is, trapped in a loveless marriage with some broad who's all into "spiritual enlightenment" and forces "stronger than life or death" and all that mumbo-jumbo. She reminds him yet again that she simply will not grant him a divorce...so what's the poor sap to do?

He invites his wife down to the basement with promises of prezzies, and he delivers: he's gotten her a brand-new big ol' freezer, just what every woman wants. Actually, wifey seems quite pleased with the freezer, but she's decidedly less pleased when she discovers that present #2 is an axe to the head. Walter makes with the chop-chop, carefully wraps each body part, places each body part in the freezer, and calls his mistress Bonnie (Barbara Parkins of Valley of the Dolls...yessss!)- the plan went off without a hitch, wifey is kaput, and Walter and Bonnie can live happily ever after.

Lemme tell ya, I'd had juuuust enough beer at this point to find this all terribly depressing. You know, when you're juuuust buzzed enough to wax philosophical about life and love, about how tragic it is that someone loved you once, but they no longer do- in fact, they so totally don't love you so much that they'll hack you up into bits without a moment's hesitation. You live your life, doing the best you can, and still someday you find yourself all chopped up and wrapped up in many little packages in a freezer in a dark basement. Is this why we live? Should we ever allow ourselves to love? Or to accept presents? Oh, what a worrrrrld!

My deep contemplations came to an abrupt halt when wifey's nicely-wrapped head came rolling into the living room.

Shall I let that one sink in for a mo?

Yes, the head came rolling into the living room, and lemme tell ya, I'd had juuuust enough beer at this point to find this the most hilarious thing I'd ever seen in my whole entire life.

Walter goes down to the basement to check out the goings-on, and encounters more body parts, these with deadly opposable thumbs. Bye-bye, Walter!

Bonnie shows up and well, now all of wifey's body parts have escaped the freezer and they're all scooting around, trying to attack Bonnie. I thought the rolling head was priceless, but that was nothing compared to the torso waddling out of the corner in a threatening fashion.

I so wanted to make out with Asylum right there and then, it's not even funny!

Obviously, Bonnie lived to tell the Tale of the Nicely Wrapped Killer Body Parts, but (also obviously), she's at Dunmoor Asylum and therefore she was driven incurably insane by the experience. I don't blame her one bit. Obviously.

"Bruno" aka THE WEIRD TAILOR

Next up, we meet Bruno (Barry Morse), a weird tailor with a weird story to tell. As happens so often in our dog-eat-dog, workaday world, poor Bruno can't make his rent payment. He offers to craft a lovely custom suit for his landlord in lieu of a cash payment, but the landlord says 'no dice'. Bruno has one week to come up with the money, or it's life on the streets for Mr and Mrs Weird Tailor.

As also happens so often in our dog-eat-dog, workaday world, in walks Peter Cushing to save the day! Cushing is Mr Smith, and Mr Smith wants a lovely custom suit made for his son. He'll pay top dollar for Bruno's handiwork, but he's got some conditions: Bruno must use the weird fabric Smith has provided and follow Smith's weird instructions to the letter. Bruno thinks it's all a little weird, but money is money; he works hard, and five days later he delivers the weird suit to Mr Smith.

Umm, how can I put this...hmm...

Okay, so the weird suit is supposed to bring Mr Smith's dead son back to life when it's placed on the body, but Bruno is all "Nooo! That's just too weird, even for me, the weird tailor!" and he and Smith tussle, and Smith ends up dead, right? And Bruno brings the weird suit home and tells Mrs Weird Tailor to burn it but she's like "Nooo! You worked so hard!" and she puts the weird suit on a mannequin and the mannequin comes to life and no one knows what happens next, except that Bruno ended up incurably insane.

Yeah, that about covers it. Weird, huh?

"Barbara" aka LUCY COMES TO STAY

Barbara (Charlotte Rampling) returns home to live with her brother after a stay at a mental hospital. She's under strict orders from the hired nurse to take naps and avoid popping pills, but Barbara can't manage either- she's up and about and sneaking pills from her hidden stash, kept inside a hair roller.

Yes, Barbara hides pills inside hair rollers. How awesome is that? She totally puts the booze-hiding house mother of Black Christmas to shame!

Before the night is over, Barbara's naughty friend Lucy (Britt Ekland) shows up and convinces Barbara that her brother is trying to get her committed again so he can keep the family inheritance all to himself. Lucy suggests they run away together, and Barbara agrees.

Lucy catches Barbara popping more pills, however, and the two argue. Lucy storms off, and the murderin' starts! Who's behind the killings? Is it Barbara? Is it Lucy? Is it all in Lucy's imagination?

The answer is a resounding YES. Sure, you can see this one coming from a mile away: Barbara's got a bit of a split personality/imaginary friend thing going on, and it's Lucy who does all the killing...but it's Barbara who's incurably insane! Mua ha ha!

The lesson here is, if you're going to be crazy and have a homicidal imaginary friend, you'd might as well have a homicidal imaginary friend who looks like Britt Ekland.

"Byron" aka MANNIKINS OF HORROR

There is no way I can properly express to you the love I had for this last story, which ties into the wraparound quite nicely. Seriously, I just can't properly express it...maybe if you were here with me so I could gesticulate and poke you and point at the screen and rewind and yell, then maybe you'd get it. But as type on a computer monitor? Bah! Insufficient! However, I shall endeavor to try.

Herbert Lom is Byron, a former doctor who's now a Dunsmoor patient- could he be the elusive Dr Starr? We shall soon see!

Byron spends his time crafting little dolls that look like Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots with little human heads.

Byron says the innards of these dollies are perfect scale replicas of real human workings. Sure, sure Byron...I might believe you, if only you weren't incurably insane. Byron has even crafted a dolly in his own image, a dolly I came to call L'il Lom- and Byron says he thinks he'll be able to control L'il Lom with the power of his mind.

Two things: 1) between this, his role in And Now the Screaming Starts!, and his numerous turns as Dreyfus in the Pink Panther films, I'm so totally flying the Herbert Lom flag right now, and 2) did you see that L'il Lom? Dude. You have no idea.

Dr Martin returns to Dr Rutherford's office to tell him that he can, in fact, take this job and shove it- the test is ridculous, and the patients at Dunsmoor are treated poorly. But who cares? The action is with L'il Lom, who, as it turns out, really can be controlled by Byron with the power of his mind. L'il Lom takes off- really, really slowly- and heads out of Byron's room...

...he hides in the shadows...

...he manages to elude the pesky orderly...

...he rings the bell and hitches a ride in the dumb waiter...

...and he makes his way to Dr Rutherford's office where he grabs a scalpel and makes with the poke-poke in the back of Rutherford's head.

Omigod, I was eating that shit UP. Seriously, I must have watched L'il Lom's journey five times. It. Is. Awesome.

Yeah, yeah, we find out who Dr Starr really is- and the end of Asylum is just as over-the-top as the rest of it- and it's oh so good.

Asylum is definitely over-the-top, but in a sort of restrained way, if that makes any sense. Most of these stories, if not all of them, are at least partially tongue-in-cheek, but they're played straight- and that's what makes them so damn awesome. Each segment (written by Robert Bloch of Psycho fame, by the way) takes a sharp left into FuckedUpsVille by the end, whether it be with visions of killer torsos, L'il Lom lumbering down the hall, or simply someone madly cackling at the camera. You know, I loves me some Creepshow, but Asylum just might be the most fun you'll have being scared. Even at its most ridiculous- yes, probably the image of the disembodied head rolling uselessly across the floor in a "terrifying fashion"- there's still something a tiny little bit creepy going on. Just a little. Maybe it's the crinkling of the paper as that wrapped-up disembodied head breathes...or maybe it's the guts oozing out of one of Byron's smashed Rock 'Em Sock 'Em dollies...or maybe it's Bonnie hacking away at her own face with that axe...who knows what might get your goat. Whatever it is, though, I hope it doesn't drive you incurably insane!

Amicus Week: Day 2

I'm sure I've said it at some point in the course of things here at FG, but I'll say it again so you finally get it through your thick skull: oftentimes when watching a film, it behooves you to put yourself in the mind set of the era in which the film was made. In other words, if a film was made in 1973, expect it to have pacing and effects from the early 1970s; I mean, doy, it's not going to be all jump cuts and music video stylings and computer graphics and the Macarena, like you kids of today are used to. This approach isn't going to guarantee you'll enjoy said movie, and sometimes boring is just plain boring no matter what. A sucky film is a sucky film, whether you watch it through appropriate-era-colored glasses or not, I realize that. Listen, what I'm saying is, you simply might be more apt to enjoy the film if you're not all smug and cynical and like "OMG that looks soooo faaaaake LOL!!1!" all the time.

And why do you have to be so smug and cynical and like "OMG that looks soooo faaaaake LOL!!1!" all the time, anyway? Hmm? Who do you think you're impressing by acting like that? You're not impressing me, that's for sure...nope, not with that attitude. Nor with that excuse for a sweater.

ANYWAY. I feel as if there's a point to all this, as if maybe it has some relevance to the Amicus film with one of the best titles ever, And Now the Screaming Starts!...hmm, what could it be? Ah yes. ANTSS!, as all the cool kids call it, was produced in 1973, and your enjoyment of it may, in fact, be in direct proportion to whether or not you can put on a pair of 1973-colored glasses, which may or may not look like this:

I myself am fully capable of it, and as such I enjoyed ANTSS! very much.

Does any of that make any sense at all? I'm a bit high on Diet Dr Pepper at the moment, so this all feels a little bit automatic blogging, if you know what I mean.

Yes, Diet Dr Pepper. I've told you that I live on the razor's edge of danger and intrigue. It's not my fault if you can't keep up.

ANYWAY PART 2. In the wondrous and faraway year known as "1795", Charles and Catherine Fengriffen (Ian Ogilvy and Stephanie Beacham, yes, she of Dynasty and The Colbys) have just been married and are about to embark on a new life together at Fengriffen Manor. As Charles gives his new bride a tour and yaps on about his ancestors, Catherine is strangely drawn to a portrait of Henry Fengriffen, Charles's grandfather. The "dun dun dunnnnnn" music lets us know that there's something ominous about this portrait.

The music was right, for out of this ominous painting thrusts a disembodied hand! Egah! The hand disappears and Catherine chalks the vision up to...I don't know, a case of the vapors or something. But as she and Charles head off to The Bedroom Fengriffen, there's a certain someone following them...

As she lies waiting for her husband and the consummatin', Catherine is assaulted in The Bed Fengriffen! The disembodied hand clamps over her mouth and, faster than you can say The Entity, she's raped by an unseen force. Of course, no one believes her- pfft. These women and their...women-issues!

Things get worse for Catherine as the disembodied hand keeps making appearances everywhere- only now, he's got a friend: the visage of an eyeless woodsman with a bloody stump of an arm!

Hmm...an arm in need of a hand, a hand in need of an arm...could they be related? In the year known as 1795, anything is possible, my friends!

This eyeless dude bears a strong resemblance to Silas (Geoffrey Whitehead), a *gasp* weirdo woodsman who lives on the Fengriffen property. What the eff is going on here? Is Catherine going crazy? What's up with the stumpy dude and the invisible rapist? Catherine sets out to solve the mystery with a little help from the Fengriffen solicitor and the Fengriffen maid...unfortunately, anyone who endeavors to help the young bride ends up D-E-A-D. Are they all accidents, or is that disembodied hand getting up to some nefarious doings around Fengriffen Manor?

Charles is completely convinced that Catherine is going crazy. The family doctor (Patrick Magee) is unable to diagnose anything beyond "Uh, dude, she's totes preggers", so the big kahuna is called in, namely one Dr Pope (a bewigged Peter Cushing), a psychiatrist who puts no stock in this supernatural mumbo-jumbo.

And yes, Catherine is pregnant. But whose child is it? Is it a Fengriffen, or is it...something otherworldly? You'll be happy to know that ANTSS! addresses all the tough, philosophical questions that have plagued mankind since the beginning of time...questions such as "Are invisible sperm viable?"

Eventually we learn the answers to that question (and many more!) as the mystery unravels and the sad, sordid history of the Fengriffens and the Woodsies (as I like to call them) is revealed. Frankly, it's all a little depressing. All is not total darkness, however, as there's a scene of corpse desecration that kind of needs to be seen to be believed.

Yes, levity via corpse desecration. Oh, what a world!

And Now the Screaming Starts! is part of that super-cheap Amicus Collection 3-pack recently released by Dark Sky Films, and the movie has really gotten the deluxe treatment with two commentaries (a rarity with these older films), one featuring Stephanie Beacham and director Roy Ward Baker, the other featuring Ian Ogilvy.

I have to give a shout out to the costumes (courtesy of Betty Adamson) and the production design (courtesy of Amicus regular Tony Curtis)- though Hammer certainly cornered the market on period British horror, the set and...uh, people dressing in ANTSS! are fabulous, lush, and flawless. Ruffles and bosoms galore!

Though it's not terribly scary (and I fear that'd be the case whether it's 1973 or 2007, whether you're wearing any kind of glasses or not), And Now the Screaming Starts! is terribly fun in that period British horror kind of way. It's not nearly as stuffy as its Hammer cousins are, and it's got a disembodied hand crawling around, for crying out loud. And oh honey, that title...they had me at the title. But then, I'm easy- especially when I'm drunk on Diet Dr Pepper!

Amicus Week: Day 1

I'm a-kickin' off Amicus Week by taking a look at what is perhaps the production company's best-known anthology film, Tales From the Crypt (1972). Yes, young'uns, gather 'round to hear tell of the pre-HBO Tales From the Crypt film- that directed by Amicus/Hammer stalwart Freddie Francis, that sans a bordello, that with a flesh and blood Cryptkeeper who doesn't have an annoying voice.

And yes, that Tales from the Crypt with Joan Collins. You know, my limited encounters with Joan Collins stem from Dynasty where she was shoulder-padded to high heaven and totally eightiesed-out (yes, that's a word)- call me naive, but I had no idea that her reputation as a fox was actually rooted in reality. She was totally '70s-a-licious, and her outfit is effing rad. You know, I guess Alanis Morrisette was right...one lives, one learns.

But I digress! Miz Collins (if you're nasty) is Joanne Clayton, one of a group of tourists partaking in the wonders of some catacombs. My first thought upon realizing that people were indeed touring catacombs was "Hmm. That's sort of weird and morbid!"...my second thought, however, was "Omigod I would so totally do that!" What that says about me, I have no clue. A small group of peeps ends up sealed in a tomb with some weird dude in a robe who gets them all to sit and listen as he tells the future for each of them...meet...The Cryptkeeper (Sir Ralph Richardson)!

Nope, he's not a dessicated corpse...depending on how you look at it, this is either a disappointment or...err, not a disappointment. I was just thankful, as I said earlier, that he didn't have that annoying voice. Sorry, Cryptkeeper lovers, but it always got on my nerves. There, I said it. At any rate, it's time for the first story...

AND ALL THROUGH THE HOUSE

The aforementioned Joanne Clayton (Joan Collins) gives her darling hubby a fatal conk on the head for Christmas. Isn't that nice? But look, she killed him for a reason; his nice big fat insurance policy. It's not like she's crazy or anything.

But you know who is crazy? The escaped mental patient who's dressed up like Santa Claus...the guy who's right outside Joanne's house right this very second!

Ahhh! Whatever will happen in this Joan Collins vs Psychotic Santa Claus showdown...a showdown which is, incidentally, one the world has long been waiting for?

I shall not tell! I will tell you, though, that And All Through the House is the one segment that I wished were longer. The tale, while it's clever and has a nice little twist, is little more than ten minutes. Had it been fleshed out a bit further, the tension would have been much greater and the payoff that much better. Still, though, Joan Collins vs Psychotic Santa Claus. Really, it's a win-win, wouldn't you say?

REFLECTION OF DEATH

Carl Maitland (Ian Hendry) kisses his wife and children goodbye before he embarks on a lengthy business trip. What his wife and children don't know, however, is that when Carl said "lengthy business trip" he really meant "a new life with his young mistress Susan (Angela Grant)". Tsk tsk, Carl...tsk tsk.

During their late-night drive to greener pastures, Susan and Carl end up in a big ol' car accident. The camera switches to first-person perspective as Carl wanders away from the fiery crash, and it seems that everyone Carl encounters is afraid of him. Is it his breath? Perhaps.

Or perhaps Carl died in the car accident and now he's a zombie. Take your pick.

Either way, it's chock full of awesome. Poor Carl. Not to be a looks-ist or anything, but who's going to befriend a grody zombie? No one, that's who. Let that be a lesson to everyone: that's what happens when you cheat!

POETIC JUSTICE

Peter Cushing (yay) is Arthur Grimsdyke, a kindly old widower who fixes up broken, discarded toys for the neighborhood children. Naturally, most of the adults in the neighborhood can't stand him- particularly James (Robin Phillip), who really, seriously has a hate-on for poor Arthur. In the span of a few weeks, James has all of Arthur's beloved dogs taken away, gets Arthur fired, turns all the parents in the neighborhood against him so the children can't visit him anymore, and sends him a stack of nasty valentine's cards, full of eeeevil and hurtful poetry. Sadly, Arthur is driven to suicide...but this being Tales from the Crypt, we know that this isn't the last we'll see of Mr Grimsdyke!

Dude...it's Peter Cushing as a zombie. Does it get any better than that? I'd have to say no...no, it doesn't. Call me greedy, but in the end I wanted more Zombie Grimsdyke action- I wanted him revengenin' against the whole town! Oh well...maybe I'll write some Zombie Grimsdyke fanfiction. I'll somehow cross it with Star Trek or Harry Potter!

WISH YOU WERE HERE

...or, the obligatory Monkey's Paw segment.

Ralph Jason (Richard Greene) is deeply in debt and must sell off all of his collectible crap, lest he lose his house. He and his wife Enid (Barbara Murray) discover that one piece of his collectible crap, a statue of a Chinese dude, seems to have the power to grant wishes. Ralph and Enid are no fools, however, for they've read WW Jacobs's The Monkey's Paw! What Wish You Were Here proves, though, is that no matter how careful you are regarding what you wish for, you'll still get screwed over in the end.

This segment was short, sweet, and a little gory. It kept me guessing as to how each wish would come back to bite the Jasons in the ass, and the payoff was good. Oh, and there was this guy riding a motorcycle- I couldn't tell if he was actually supposed to be a skull, or simply wearling a weird skull mask. No matter- either way is kickass!

I'd like to get one of those for when I'm tooling around on my Vespa. Step one, of course, is actually getting a Vespa.

BLIND ALLEYS

Finally, a story I remember reading in the EC Comics! Not that that has any bearing on anything beyond me saying "Hey, I remember reading this one!", but you know, it's the little things in life.

Major William Rogers (Nigel Patrick) is, for reasons unknown, made administrator of a home for old blind men. Before you can say "Hey! That's really mean!", Rogers is scrimping on the food and the heat for the men whilst he and his dog live like kings. The men complain, but Rogers continues on cutting rations and the such due to the "budget". What a load!

When one of the men dies, the rest of the blindies get their revenge on the Major. They lock him and his dog into separate rooms in the basement and spend the next few days building...something. Eventually they release the Major and he finds out that the blind men aren't handicapped- they're handiCANS, as they've managed to build a gauntlet he must traverse to escape the basement.

Did I mention that the gauntlet is deadly, full of narrow razor-lined passages and the Major's own very hungry doggie? Well, it is.



Take that, Major, you stingy arrogant jerk!

MEANWHILE, BACK AT THE CRYPT FROM WHENCE THESE TALES CAME...

The Cryptkeeper informs everyone that he's not foretelling the future of all of these travellers- he's telling them the past...or something. Not that any of them have actually carried out any of these evil deeds, but they're all being punished anyway, I guess because they were intending to do all these evil deeds? Eh, it's a little vague and nonsensical. What matters is that they've all become superimposed in the flames of Hell! Yay!

Now, we all know that I tend to be quite lenient on anthology flicks because I do love them so. Tales From the Crypt, however, really is a superlative anthology flick, no lie! The stories aren't too long or dull- if anything, I would have liked a few of them to be longer. This is perhaps the first anthology flick I've seen where there isn't a stinker in the bunch. Wow! There's zombie action, revenge action, and psychotic Santa Claus action. And there's Joan Collins's outfit! What more do you need?

Hooray for theme weeks!

YES, KIDS, IT'S THEME WEEK TIME! ISN'T THAT AWESOME?

Beginning tomorrow, prepare yourself for AMICUS WEEK, wherein I'll post about...err...all things Amicus. For those of you not in the know, Amicus Productions was a British film company, perhaps best known for their anthology movies throughout the 60s and 70s- films such as The House That Dripped Blood, From Beyond the Grave, and many, many more.

Basically, if you're watching a British horror movie from that time period, ask yourself: "Is this film gothic-flavoured?" If the answer is "Why, golly, yes!", then you're most likely watching a Hammer film. If, however, you answer "Oh my heavens, no!", then that's an Amicus film, son!

With the recent release of the super-cheap Amicus Collection, I say the time is nigh for a little Amicus lovin'. More Cushing for the pushing! BOOM!

awesome movie poster friday- the BARBEAU edition!

Notes:

1) The lesser-known landscape-format Creepshow poster fucking rocks.

2) I have not seen Cannibal Women in the Avocado Jungle of Death. I'm not sure if my love of the Barbeau can get me to, either.

3) There's a far more ridiculous poster for The Fog way back yonder in this post. Those crazy Germans!

4) I like the oversized novelty handcuffs approach to the first Escape From New York poster, but the second one has the running and the shooting and the little "pew pew pew!" flames coming out of the guns, so the second one wins.

5) Yes, The Thing. Sneaky hobbitses!

Remember her?

Remember that chick Mandy Lane, and how, like, all the boys totally loved her? And remember how I saw it and I was all "Ooh, yeah, you should totally see it, it's so good!" and then, like, 15 minutes before it was supposed to open in theatres the Weinsteins were all "Pfft. We ain't putting that film out, positive reviews and good word of mouth or no positives reviews and good word of mouth! We am dum dums!" and then I told you that they said that and you were all "Aww, man, I so wanted to see it!" and I was like "I know, right? They suck." and you were going "Uh huh" and I said, like, I will so totally update you when I have more info about this movie!" and you were all "Okay" and then we probably started talking about something else because that was months and months ago and as much as I liked Mandy Lane I do need to talk about other things from time to time, things such as the best movie ever, or Melrose Place, or how I stubbed my toe wicked bad yesterday, or the Teapot Dome Scandal, or that I'm thinking about maybe buying some eggs.

Remember that?

Anyway, All the Boys Love Mandy Lane will finally hit theatres this March. Yay!

Gotta hand it to the Film Club! Nyuk nyuk!

We all know by now that 1981 was a magical year for horror. After the Film Club successes of The Burning and Eyes of a Stranger, both from said magical year, I figure, why mess with a good thing? Let's keep the Film Club firmly ensconced in '81 for another go-round, shall we? It's time for...THE HAND!


Written and directed by Oliver Stone, starring Michael Caine, The Hand is a good old-fashioned yarn about a cartoonist who loses a hand in an auto accident, only to discover that his hand lives on and is totally homicidal. How can this movie NOT be the best movie ever? I mean come on. Says Stone about the props, "We had a crawling hand, a walking hand, a strangling hand. Each did something entirely different. They were really quite exciting."

I'll say! Bring on The Hand!

The film: The Hand
The due date: Monday, December 3

Film Club: Eyes of a Stranger

"Let's talk about you, Mr Phone Freak."

Do you ever glom onto a film for some reason- usually some unknown reason- to the point where you're all "I really, really, really have to see this movie. Nothing else matters until I have seen it! My desire to see this movie supercedes all of my other desires...I can concentrate on nothing else! Only after I've seen this film can I finally focus on other important matters, like curing cancer or perfecting my fudge recipe"? I totally do. And for some reason, I glommed onto Eyes of a Stranger (1981) a looong time ago- I don't know, I read about it somewhere or something and it became this movie I just had to see. No one had ever said that it was particularly good, or particularly scary, or even very notable for anything at all. Yet there I was, every so often on eBay or Amazon or whatevs, toying with the notion of buying a copy of the long out-of-print videotape. In the end, it was always way too pricy for me and Eyes of a Stranger continued to elude my grasp.

No, I don't get it, either.

Finally my desires to see this film have been whetted, thanks to the magic of DVD. And...? What of it? Was it worth the wait?

Fuck yeah! Are you kidding? No, it wasn't great...but then, yes, it was great. A tracksuited Lauren Tewes as that old slasher flick staple, the mouthy anchorwoman in peril? Jennifer Jason Leigh as a blind-deaf-mute? Head in a fishtank? 1981? Yes folks, Eyes of a Stranger has it all, including the best strip club routine EVAR.

Some creep is raping and killing women all around Miami, and it's up to intrepid and opinionated anchorwoman Jane Harris (Tewes) to stop him! Why is it up to an anchorwoman to stop a rapist/murderer, you ask? Because she says so, that's why. It seems that Jane has a real problem with weirdo rapists, after an incident in which her little sister Tracy (Leigh) was kidnapped and, one assumes, raped. The trauma rendered Tracy a blind-deaf-mute (it's all psychological, see), and Jane harbors huge amounts of guilt since she left Tracy alone that fateful day.

At any rate, Jane gets her Nancy Drew on and after discovering a bunch of circumstantial evidence, decides that Stanley Herbert (John DiSanti), the creepy weirdo who lives across the way, is Miami's serial rapist/killer.

Are Jane's deductions correct? Will she turn the tables on the cuckoo nutso? How many times can she break into Herbert's apartment before she's caught? Will she move in with her pushy boyfriend? Will Tracy ever see, hear, or speak again? The answers to all of these questions- and more!- can be found at the business end of a pistol wielded by an anchorwoman in a track suit.

Though Eyes of a Stranger leans more toward 'thriller' than it does 'slasher', it's not without its effective sequences. There are echoes of Black Christmas (1974) as the killer calls and harasses his intended victims; there are echoes of Friday the 13th in the musical score, and there are echoes of He Knows You're Alone when someone's head ends up in a fishtank (which is totally gonna throw off the pH levels in the water; killing humans is one thing, but killing goldfish is quite another, Mr Rapist Killer Weirdo!). The stalking sequences are lengthy and tense (particularly the one in which Herbert is alone in the apartment with Tracy), and the rare instances of gore are all the more shocking- thanks, of course, to Tom Savini.

In addition to the nods to other films (whether they're intentional or not, I have no clue), there are also a few Easter eggs for horror fans hidden throughout: Jane and her boyfriend David take in a showing of Dawn of the Dead, while in another sequence Shock Waves is playing on t.v.- Shock Waves, of course, is another film by Eyes director Ken Wiederhorn.

Wow, nerd alert.

I hope the next film on my "must see for whatever bizarre reason" list is as much fun as Eyes of a Stranger. But more importantly, what has happened to the anchorwoman in peril motif? If there's one thing the world needs now- now more than ever!, it's more sassy anchorwomen fighting weirdos. Let's start an online petition!

Give it up, y'all, for the Film Club Coolies!

Something Wicked...
7 Dollar Popcorn
Askewed Views
More Than Meets the Mogwai
Kindertrauma
Mermaid Heather
Exclamation Mark
Evil on Two Legs
Johnny LaRue's Crane Shot

join usssss....

Let me tell you about my day today! Part of it will involve watching Eyes of a Stranger, which as my sidebar has been reminding you is this month's Film Club pick. Watch it, have your say, send me a link to said say, and we'll all bask in the warming glow of a sort-of group activity. Yay!

I haven't decided what I'm doing with the rest of my day, so I don't know what to tell you. It will probably involve lots of glamorous and exciting events and people- I know that much, at least.

But first, Eyes of a Stranger! Lauren Tewes and a deaf-mute Jennifer Jason Leigh, here I come!

awesome movie poster friday- the BIGFOOT edition!