Boy oh boy, you’d think that it’d be some kind of prerequisite to see every notable vintage slasher movie that centers around a specific date or holiday—you know, the most stereotypical kind of slasher movie—if, say, one wanted to start a blog about slasher movies or write/draw a comic about slasher movies or go around telling everyone they encounter about how much they love slasher movies. YOU’D THINK THAT, RIGHT.
Well, you wouldn’t be wrong to think that, but of course thinking that would not take into account my fast-paced and cutting-edge busy lifestyle, planetary/solar alignments over the years, a woman’s prerogative, etc.
Yes, that’s right, I was referencing myself, specifically about how I only just saw the 1980 slasher film New Year’s Evil in the last 24 hours even though 1) it came out 45 years ago, 2) Final Girl came out 20 years ago, 3) I came out (of my mom)…hmm I’m not exactly sure when, to tell you the truth, because I was mummified in 2009 and I don’t really know how mummy years work. The point is, New Year’s Evil is so basic it's like Slashers 101, and yet I made a comic literally called Slashers 101 without having seen it! This despite the fact that it’s the only slasher movie that stars Roz “Pinky Tuscadero” Kelly...as far as I know. See? "As far as I know"? Man, where do I get off even having this blog!
On the bright side, I’ve now seen New Year’s Evil. On the less bright side, it was only okay. On the even less bright side, it was only okay sometimes.
It started so promising, too, when the words “Cannon Group” and “Golan/Globus” appeared. If you are anything like me, all of that will get you pumped over the possibilities for action and horror and, though it’s admittedly a long shot, Lucinda Dickey with a can of V8 (where are my Ninja III: The Domination homies at!). I continued to be pumped as the movie began and there was Roz “Pinky Tuscadero” Kelly as Diane “Dee” Sullivan, aka “Blaze,” a DJ/proto-VJ with magenta eyebrows and magenta blush so thick it looked like a couple of magenta Colorforms slapped on her cheeks. Yes, I was immediately drowning in a wave of New Wave: Blaze with her magenta madness, men with black lipstick, women with pink bangs, studded bracelets and chokers everywhere—New Year’s Evil was looking to be the New Wave big sister slasher counterpart to the Eurotrash New Wave gross-out Demons and the naked Trash (get it) New Wave zombie delight Return of the Living Dead. I clutched New Year’s Evil to my magenta bosoms (don’t ask) and told it that while it took us forever to find one another it didn’t matter because our forever was only just beginning.
In case you didn’t know, Blaze is so hot and so cool she was dubbed “The First Lady of Rock” and as such, her duties included rocking in the new year with a live edition of her show Hollywood Hotline in a Los Angeles hotel. She is very busy and important (much like me!) and therefore she has no choice but to kind of ignore her son Derek, who wants to tell her about a part he just won on a television series. Derek is pretty strange, to be honest. And oh, it seems that his father (and Blaze’s husband), who has been “sick” and is supposed to be in Palm Springs, can’t be reached. HMM.
We are then treated to the musical stylings of a group called Shadow. We will also be treated to the musical stylings of a group called Made in Japan. We will be treated to both musical stylings often, and some songs will repeat repeatedly. What initially seems like a somewhat unique gimmick that renders New Year’s Evil into a quasi-concert film will likely wear on you as you wait for some slasher in your slasher.
I would be remiss were I not to mention that Evil uses a voice changer that is so ludicrous I can’t tell whether or not it’s supposed to be funny. Whatever the intent, Evil and the dude from Fulci’s New York Ripper should have teamed up. And yes, I kind of wish I were talking about this on Final Girl After Dark rather than writing about it on Final Girl because I would love to imitate Evil’s phone voice for you.
So in quick order we meet Evil in person, and he looks like a Dollar Tree Jeffrey Combs. He poses as a doctor so that—in a shocking twist of typical horror movie events—he can break into a sanitarium. There he meets a nurse who looks like a Dollar Tree Lisa Kudrow. They find a quiet room, decide to Do It, and then when things get hot and heavy, Evil busts out a switchblade and kills Dollar Tree Lisa Kudrow. He records the murder, and when midnight strikes he plays the tape over the phone for Blaze; he’s all (Evil voice) “See? I told you!” and promises to call with another murder update in an hour.
The police initially dismiss Blaze’s concerns, but when the body of Dollar Tree Lisa Kudrow is found, they decide to let no one else into or out of the hotel. You know, for safety. Meanwhile, Evil digs deeper into his bag of costumes and dons a fake moustache. It makes him look like a Dollar Tree Tom Sandoval, which is really saying something (where are my Vanderpump Rules homies at!). He picks up some girls in a bar, there’s a chase, some switchblade poppin’, some murder, he puts on a priest costume, cure more musical performances.
Again, I am not sure whether or not New Year’s Evil is meant to be funny…?
What I am sure of, however, is that this film gets occasionally weird but steadfastly refuses to lean all the way into it, which is a big shame. It leaves people like me a-wonderin’ in a puzzled way when I should be a-wonderin’ in an awestruck way, you know? The slasher bits aren’t compelling—it’s tough to make a “regular guy” an interesting killer in this genre, as made evident by films like The Slumber Party Massacre, The Dorm That Dripped Blood, and He Knows You’re Alone. I’m not saying you have to have a mask, but if you don’t wear one I think you need to go full wackadoodle, like Billy in Black Christmas. I love a bag o' costumes and a fake moustache as much as the next lady, but Evil was way creepier in the few moments when he sported a grotesque Stan Laurel mask.
