SHOCKtober: 620-593

Ah, dippin' into the 500s today...still so many movies to go. The first time I did this I thought there'd be, like, 125 movies on the list. The lesson here is, I'm a moron. But we all knew that, so let's just get to today's films, each of which received one vote.

620. Prometheus -- 2012, Ridley Scott

619. Possum -- 2018, Matthew Holness

618. Poison for the Fairies -- 1986, Carlos Enrique Taboada

617. Piranha -- 1978, Joe Dante

616. Parents -- 1989, Bob Balaban

615. ParaNorman -- 2012, Chris Butler and Sam Fell

614. Panic Room -- 2002, David Fincher

613. Pan's Labyrinth -- 2006, Guillermo de Toro

612. Open Water -- 2003, Chris Kentis

611. Only Lovers Left Alive -- 2013, Jim Jarmusch

610. Occult Bolshevism -- 2018, Hiroshi Takahashi

609. Obsession: A Taste for Fear -- 1987, Piccio Raffanini

608. November -- 2017, Rainer Sarnet

607. Nothing Bad Can Happen -- 2013, Katrin Gebbe

606. Noriko's Dinner Table -- 2005, Sion Sono

605. Nightmare Sisters -- 1988, David DeCoteau

604. Nightbreed -- 1990, Clive Barker

603. Next of Kin -- 1982, Tony Williams

602. My Heart Can't Beat Unless You Tell It To -- 2020, Jonathan Cuartas

601. Mister Frost -- 1990, Philippe Setbon

600. Mr. Boogedy -- 1986, Oz Scott

599. Moontrap -- 1988, Robert Dyke

598. Midnight Offerings -- 1981, Rod Holcomb

597. Memories of Murder -- 2003, Bong Joon Ho

596. Medusa -- 2021, Anita Rocha da Silveira

595. MaXXXine -- 2024, Ti West

594. Mausoleum -- 1983, Michael Dugan

593. Mary Reilly -- 1996, Stephen Frears

• PIRANHA RULES, THE END
• You know what, Prometheus gets a bad rap but that one reader and I don't care! I went to see it in the theatre with my parents (which I had not done since I was a child, literally) and it was fun and I live for those spacesuits. So sue me!
• Mausoleum, hooo, now we're talking. A nonsensical good time featuring not only corn teeth but also my man Marjoe. Has any movie ever given us more?
• A reader on Mary Reilly:

  There are a whole series of movies that came out when I was 15/16 between 1996-1997 that were so weird and I was so obsessed. I'm sure they have turned me into the strange person I am now. I was going through a John Malkovich phase and he stomped a child. What joy. There is also a scene where they skin an eel. I've never recovered and just googled if it was real or not.

  First of all, I love that they leave us hanging about the eel. Also, this anecdote sums up rather well why it's so much more interesting for y'all to submit your favorites instead of whatever you think is "best," even if there is sometimes overlap.

• I could have sworn that I wrote some kind of review or something about Next of Kin, because I watched it for the first time a couple of years ago and I loved it loved it loved it. But I am coming up blank! Oh well, I'm sure it was just way too many words to say "I love Next of Kin, you should check it out." 
• Not sure how it is that I was so excited when the MaXXXine stinger happened after the credits of Pearl and I was so excited and couldn't wait to see it, and yet here I am now, still not having seen it? Hmm, I contain multitudes I guess.

SHOCKtober: 752-720

There is no Final Girl, only List!

Each of the following films received one vote.

752. Jennifer -- 1978, Brice Mack

751. John Dies at the End -- 2012, Don Coscarelli

750. Ju-on 2 -- 2003, Takashi Shimizu

749. Killer Party -- 1986, William Fruet

748. King Kong -- 1933, Merian C. Cooper & Ernest B. Schoedsack

747. Kingdom of the Spiders -- 1977, John "Bud" Cardos

746. Klute -- 1971, Alan J. Pakula

745. Knives and Skin -- 2019, Jennifer Reeder

744. La noche del virgen (aka The Night of the Virgin) -- 2016, Roberto San Sebastián

743. Lady in White -- 1988, Frank LaLoggia

742. Lake Bodom -- 2016, Taneli Mustonen

741. Land of the Dead -- 2005, George A. Romero

740. Lasso -- 2017, Evan Cecil

739. Let Sleeping Corpses Lie (aka The Living Dead at Manchester Morgue) -- 1974, Jorge Grau

738. Life -- 2017, Daniel Espinosa

737. Link -- 1986, Richard Franklin

736. Lips of Blood -- 1975, Jean Rollin

735. Little Otik (aka Greedy Guts) -- 2000, Jan Svankmajer

734. Lo -- 2009, Travis Betz

733. Lord of Illusions -- 1995, Clive Barker

732. Lovely Molly -- 2011, Eduardo Sánchez

731. Ma -- 2019, Tate Taylor

730. Madhouse -- 1974, Jim Clark

729. Madman -- 1981, Joe Giannone

728. Magic -- 1978, Richard Attenborough

727. Mama -- 2013, Andy Muschietti

726. Manos: The Hands of Fate -- 1966, Harold P. Warren

725. Mausoleum -- 1983, Michael Dugan

724. Midnight Offerings -- 1981, Rod Holcomb

723. Mimic -- 1997, Guillermo del Toro

722. Monday -- 2000, SABU

721. Monster House -- 2006, Gil Kenan

720. Morgiana -- 1972, Juraj Herz

• MAU-SO-MOTHERFUCKING-LE-UM! If you've been around these parts for a while, I don't need to tell you about my love for Mausoleum. But maybe you're new, or maybe you don't need to hear about my love for Mausoleum but you want to hear about my love for Mausoleum? Regardless, my love for Mausoleum: it is deep, it is wide, it is true. Neon crypts, corn teeth (my favorite), Marjoe fucking Gorner disco-dancing, a show-stealing LaWanda Page, wanton use of the term "facial fantasy"...Mausoleum has it all and much more. I am so glad to see it here.
• This chunk o' list is so good! Let Sleeping Corpses Lie, Lovely Molly, Jennifer, KILLER PARTY...there are a lot of my beloveds on display today.
• There's also some very intriguing films I have yet to see! Morgiana, Monday, and Midnight Offerings, which I have not seen despite the fact that it is a made-for-TV horror movie starring Melissa Sue Anderson, Marion Ross, and Gordon Jump as "Sherm!" What is wrong with me?? (Don't answer that.)
• I always think Lord of Illusions is a Wes Craven movie but it never is!
• Klute is today's genre-bending "Wha? Huh?" title, but who cares? If its inclusion here gets someone to watch Klute for the first time, then the whole dang month is worth it. 
• I cannot let Mama appear on this page and not give a shout out to Hot Topic Jessica Chastain. Hot Topic Jessica Chastain 4ever!

SHOCKtober: 490-470

Hey y'all, it's ONE VOTE-erin' time! Each of these movies is a favorite movie of one person. Well, and they're probably the favorites of more people out there, but those people didn't vote so who cares about them.

490. Killer Klowns from Outer Space -- 1988, Stephen Chiodo
489. Krampus -- 2015, Michael Dougherty
488. Kristy -- 2014, Oliver Blackburn
487. Kuroneko -- 1968, Kaneto Shindô
486. La Horde -- 2009, Yannick Dahan & Benjamin Rocher
485. Landmine Goes Click -- 2015, Levan Bakhia
484. Le frisson des vampires -- 1971, Jean Rollin
483. Left Bank -- 2008, Pieter Van Hees
482. Let Us Prey -- 2014, Brian O'Malley
481. Little Shop of Horrors -- 1986, Frank Oz
480. Lords of Salem -- 2012, Rob Zombie
479. Lovely Molly -- 2001, Eduardo Sánchez
478. Macabre -- 1980, Lamberto Bava
477. Madhouse -- 1981, Ovidio G. Assonitis
476. Madman -- 1981, Joe Giannone
475. Man Bites Dog -- 1992, Rémy Belvaux, André Bonzel, Benoît Poelvoorde
474. Maniac Cop -- 1988, William Lustig
473. Matango -- 1963, Ishirô Honda
472. Mausoleum -- 1983, Michael Dugan
471. Memento Mori -- 1999, Tae-yong Kim & Kyu-dong Min
470. Mimic -- 1997, Guillermo del Toro

Great googly-moogly, how I love Mausoleum! Such an endless delight. In my humble opinion you can never go wrong with a possession film all chock full of corn teeth.

Come with me, if you will, on a journey called Landmine Goes Click:

I read the synopsis on IMDb when I look up the year and director. "Hmm, sounds interesting, I think!" I think. "A dude steps on a live landmine, is forced to continue standing there lest...ka-boom. I shall watch the trailer!"

"Hmm, okay. This looks pretty cool and I...wait, is this going to get rapey? Like, his girlfiend gets raped in front of him and he can't do anything lest...ka-boom? I shall find a review!"

From a review: "...Ilya plays a sadistic, sexually humiliating game with Alicia, forcing her to complete increasingly degrading tasks, until the inevitable, extended, graphic rape scene."

For fuck's sake. I'm just so tired of rape and sexual violence being used as a device in horror films, particularly when it's used solely to provide the male lead with the impetus for his righteous anger and revenge. I bid you good day, Landmine Goes Click. I SAID GOOD DAY.

SHOCKtober: 554-534

Oh my child, we are still deep in ONE VOTE EACH territory.

554. Don't Go to Sleep -- 1982, Richard Lang
553. Don't Look in the Basement -- 1973, S.F. Brownrigg
552. Don't Open the Door -- 2014, Danny Foxx
551. Dr. Giggles -- 1992, Manny Coto
550. Dracula -- 1931, Tod Browning
549. Dracula A.D. 1972 -- 1972, Alan Gibson
548. Dracula Has Risen from the Grave -- 1968, Freddie Francis
547. Dream Home -- 2010, Ho-Cheung Pang
546. Duel -- 1971, Steven Spielberg
545. Dust Devil: The Final Cut -- 1992, Richard Stanley
544. Eden Lake -- 2008, James Watkins
543. Elle -- 2016, Paul Verhoeven
542. Empire of the Ants -- 1977, Bert I. Gordon
541. Eve's Bayou -- 1997, Kasi Lemmons
540. Eyes of Fire -- 1983, Avery Crounse
539. The Fall of the House of Usher -- 1928, Jean Epstein
538. Feast -- 2005, John Gulager
537. Final Destination 2 -- 2003, Davis R. Ellis
536. Final Destination 3 -- 2006, James Wong
535. Final Exam -- 1981, Jimmy Huston
534. The Food of the Gods -- 1976, Bert I. Gordon

Ugh, Food of the Gods would be a 100% perfect movie if it weren't for its use of real rats. I can't abide it! Real animals getting injured (at best) was too shocking and too much of a bummer the first (and only) time I've seen the film. Really sucks all the fun out of it for me. What a drag.

Man there's a lot of great advice in this little chunk o' list!  The basement? Don't look in there! The door? Don't open it! Sleep? Don't go to there! I'm hoping we saved some lives today.

SHOCKtober: My Heart List

Who can get enough lists during SHOCKtober? Not any of us! By "any of us", mind you, I mean me.

Sure, I posted my Top 20 list several moons ago...but I've been thinking. It feels...insufficient or something, particularly after I posted Buzz's list and Amanda's list. My choices, while they truly are my favorite horror films, seem so staid. So typical! Halloween? The Exorcist? Bitch, please. Yes, I love them like I love...things I love, but even so, I can't fight this feeling of lack I've had since I wrote down numbers 1-20 in my wide-ruled spiral notebook. My list lacks! JA over at My New Plaid Pants knows of what I speak. So I figured- hey, I can either let this feeling continue to irritate me like an itch I can't scratch, or I can pull down my pants and scratch away. I say scratch away. Scratch away, one and all. Tomorrow we think of ointments and unguents and salves, but today, my friends, we scratch.

Mmm, that got weird. The point is, this new list! It's a list of movies I heart- movies that may not be are not good, but I heart them all the same. There's even a couple that I've seen but once and upon that once, I did not like the movie. Yet here they are, for reasons that are beyond me. I didn't like them, but now I think back on 'em and...well, they belong on this list. Life, she is mysterious! Okay, without further ado...because if there's one thing Final Girl needs this month, it's another fucking list!

As always, clickin' titles take you to reviews.


A Nightmare on Elm Street III: The Dream Warriors (1987, Chuck Russell)

I think the big secret of this movie is that it stinks, but we all pretend like it doesn't. Okay, it doesn't stink, but there's some corny-ass shit going on this movie- this cannot be denied, although we all pretend that it's not corny. That's totally okay, though, since the cornballs are all balanced out by some seriously creepy moments. Love.




Pieces (1982, Juan Piquer Simon)

I recently had the absolute pleasure of watching Pieces with someone who'd never seen it before, and lemme tell you- that's the way to see it! Unless you're the person who's never seen it, in which case I'll be right over with my copy. I want to be a Goodwill Ambassador who travels the globe clutching my battered Pieces tape, spreading gore and good cheer- not only so I can revel in the amazingness of this film, but so I can watch others revel in the "That doesn't make any sense!" of it all.



Killer Workout (1986, David A. Prior)

Killer Workout (aka Aerobicide, which is all sorts of title perfection) is a terrible, terrible film. I know, a slasher set in a health club seems like a can't-lose idea, but this movie proves it can lose. That is, it can lose its way right into my heart! Countless scenes (often repeated) of women shaking their lycra-covered parts, men who all look the same punching each other and running each other over with sports cars, club owner Rhonda sneering her way through life, tanning booth accidents, a soundtrack by Donna DeLory...Killer Workout has it all and then some. Part of that "then some" includes the picture of Marla Maples aerobicizing on the VHS tape cover. Delicious!

Shower of Blood (2004, Tiffany Kilbourne)

This abomination of a film features horrible acting, horrible writing, horrible foley work, the least sexy sex scene ever, computer graphics straight outta the Sega Saturn, and, in perhaps my favorite moment, the same model of Brother word processor I used in college masquerading as a 911 call center computer. It is...amazing. I adore this movie. Heidi Martinuzzi wrote a review for Pretty/Scary back in the day that will tell you everything you need to know so you don't actually have to sit through it, although you should because it kind of needs to be seen to be believed. Just don't see it alone! Not because it's so frightening, but because it's the type of misery that's best when shared. By the way, spoiler alert: Heidi will also be talking about this movie in her forthcoming Top 20 list.

Amityville IV: The Evil Escapes (1989, Sandor Stern)

AN EVIL FLOOR LAMP. THAT GOES OVER A CLIFF. AND EXPLODES. What more do you need to know? Take one part exploding evil floor lamp, add some Patty Duke-i-tude, and that, my friends, is a recipe for heaven.







Birdemic: Shock and Terror (2008, James Nguyen)

Going to see Birdemic in a theater will provide you with one of the most fun experiences you will ever have, unless you're immune to the very notion of "fun" or "theaters" or "going". I am just saying. As bad as you think this movie will be? It will be worse.






Graduation Day (1981, Herb Freed)

You know, I really didn't like Graduation Day the one and only time I saw it...but then when I think back on it, I can't for the life of me remember why I didn't. Even reading my negative review- it just sounds awesome! I think back to the football-with-a-sword-attached, and what's not to love? I think back on the roller skating scene and how there weren't enough skates for everybody so some people essentially just ran around in a circle, and I want to give this movie a hug. Huh.



The Child (1977, Robert Voskanian)

Whenever The Child comes to mind, I hear the horrible, horrible dubbed voices of the movie in my head- in particular that of young Rosalie shouting "I don't have to tell you anything!" If you haven't seen this fim, then you probably won't care about that, but there you go. It's not an entirely uncreepy, ineffective film, but it's definitely a 12-pack of coulda beens. What it IS, however, is dementedly delightful.




Dolly Dearest (1991, Maria Lease)

Dolly Dearest is so good- like we'd expect anything less from a horror movie released in 1991. Chucky can go screw- DD is where it's at. Girl power! You know, I figure the offensive maid stereotype I employed in In Satan's Closet is okay because it's an homage to the offensive maid stereotype in Dolly Dearest (and Devil Dog: The Hound of Hell). Troof.





Shark Attack 3: Megalodon (2002, David Worth)

I admit: sometimes I think I'm falling out of love with Shark Attack 3. I KNOW, RIGHT? How could this be? I'll tell you how: it's because the first hour, if not more, is almost unwatchably dull. Seriously, it's really tough to get through. I introduce people to the film and I find myself saying "Just wait...just wait...JUST WAIT!" and finally the payoff is beyond worth it, but man. You can only take the first hour so many times before your eyes start to wander. Look, I'm just being honest here. I mean, it's here in my heart list and I think it always will be, but it might not have all of my heart anymore. We're just growing in different directions, which is no one's fault- or maybe it's Shark Attack 3's fault, because of that first hour. Keeping it real, that's what I do!

Face of Evil (1996, Mary Lambert)

In a word, I give this movie ten metaphorical boners up. It has everything I love: bodies in suitcases, made-for-TV-ness, Shawnee Smith in a Blossom-style '90s bowler hat, Perry King with an awful ponytail, deception, artists doing art, murder, Tracey Gold, Tracey Gold, and Tracey Gold. My one regret in life is that when I met Mary Lambert, I wasn't clutching my copy of this (WHICH I BOUGHT AT THE GROCERY STORE) for her to sign. NOTE TO SELF: Always carry Face of Evil with you.


Eyes of a Stranger (1981, Ken Wiederhorn)

From my review: "A tracksuited Lauren Tewes as that old slasher flick staple, the mouthy anchorwoman in peril? Jennifer Jason Leigh as a blind-deaf-mute? Head in a fishtank? 1981? Yes folks, Eyes of a Stranger has it all, including the best strip club routine EVAR." 'Nuff said.






The Manitou (1978, William Girdler)

My one regret in life is that I let someone borrow my DVD of The Manitou, and now I don't hang out with that person anymore, so basically I gave away my copy of The Manitou. Yeah, it's replaceable but picking up a new copy...ehhh, I fucking hate replacing stuff I used to have. When I get the urge to watch a naked Susan Strasberg shooting lasers from a hospital bed that's floating in space, I want to watch it now. Hold on to your copy of The Manitou and hold on to it tight!




Mausoleum (1983, Michael Dugan)

Corn teeth. Demon boobs. Unique weather systems. Marjoe fucking Gortner. La Wanda Page, who seems to think- or, perhaps was told- that she's in a comedy. Man, Mausoleum lives the kind of life that I want to lead!







Rumplestiltskin (1995, Mark Jones)

Now, I know I've mentioned my love for this movie pa-lenty of times here at Final Girl. It's currently available on Netflix streaming, and I know that some of you have checked it out because I've mentioned my love for it and now you're caught up in a web of what the fuckery because it sucks. It does suck, and please, bear in mind this warning: I know not from where my affections for this film arise. They cannot be explained. Believe me, I've tried math, physics, and even a course in the Psychology of Motivation & Emotion from Life University to solve the mystery, and it simply cannot be solved. A human centipede made of Jessica Fletcher, Columbo, and Encyclopedia Brown could not solve this mystery! Like time itself, it just is. Here's the deal: I really kind of hate Rumplestiltskin while I'm watching it because as I mentioned, it sucks. It's just bad. Okay, the scene with the remote-controlled car posing as a real car is awesome, but otherwise it's a terrible movie. Yet...and yet! As soon as it's over, I find myself thinking about how awesome it is and that I should watch it again, and if anyone should ask, I'll tell them it's the best movie ever. AND I'LL BELIEVE IT. So I watch it again, and I'm all, "This movie sucks! Except the RC car part." and the cycle continues. I'm experiencing a moment of clarity right now, so I'll tell you: Rumpleskin (typo that stays) sucks, please don't watch it. I also feel myself wanting to tell you, however, that it's the best movie ever...so run away now while you still can! You know how when you're playing Mass Effect and you're on Noveria and you fight Matriarch Benezia and she has that moment where she's all, "Wait, I'm not a total bitch! That was just because my mind is under the influence of Saren! Here's the info you need. I'm being helpful!" and Commander Shepard is like, "You're hurt! Come with us and we can save you!" and she goes, "No! My mind is not completely my own and it never will be again AND NOW I KILL YOU!" and you fight again? This is like that. My mind will never be completely my own again. RUMPLESTILTSKIN RULES!

Bug (1975, Jeannot Szwarc)

Carnivorous cockroaches who can fart fire and spell things. If you need any more than that, then you need HELP, friend.








Cathy's Curse (1977, Eddy Matalon)

Earlier today I decided that I kind of just want to watch Cathy's Curse every day forever and ever. I haven't started yet, but it's on my to-do list, for sure.

Day 5: "I've never felt like this before."

It's a wonder to me that Mausoleum and I have both been walking this planet since 1983, yet last night marked the first time we'd crossed paths. Approximately three minutes after I started playing the DVD, I realized that I'd found my one true soulmate. It doesn't matter where Mausoleum has been all my life- the important thing is that we've found each other at last, and we're now destined to walk the earth together!

Whilst visiting her mother's grave, li'l Susan decides she no longer wants to live with her Aunt Cora. She takes off running through the graveyard, stopping only when she hears someone whisper-singing her name. She peeks inside one mausoleum, but then spots another one across the way that's far more interesting in that it features its own weather system.

She enters the crypt, which is all lit up in greens and purples like the finest Spencer's Gifts. We learn that this is the tomb of the Nomed family...yes, NOMED. That's some seriously Nilbog shit, if you know what I mean.

Anyway, a clawed hand rises from the sarcophagus, things that defy explanation happen, and Susan's eyes light up all green and make a laser noise. The girl done went and got herself possessed!

Fast forward! Susan is now all grown up- she's portrayed by ex-Playboy Bunny Bobbie Bresee and she's married to Marjoe fucking Gortner. A charmed life, you say? It's easy to assume so, but there's a dark side to this fairytale existence! See, a woman of Susan's...err, attributes finds herself constantly subjected to the lechy gaze of creepy weirdo peeping tom gardeners and creepy weirdo Dan Haggerty-esque disco patrons.


All Susan wanted to do was go dancing with her husband (yes, Marjoe fucking Gortner disco dances!), but that Dan Haggerty-esque jerk made it so difficult that she was left with no choice but to use her magic green gaze to set his car on fire while he was locked inside.


The next day, the creepy gardener makes a bold pass at Susan while her husband is at work- her eyes get their green on and we know it's time for some demonic justice! But not before we bear witness to an eerily silent montage that clues us in as to just what, in fact, a gardener does with his day after making a pass at his employer:

He puts down fertilizer!

He mows the lawn!

He reads whilst eating lunch!

He takes a nap on the dock!

He sharpens his axe...

...and uses it!

Finally, Susan gets around to launching Operation: Get Back At The Grope-y Gardener: she strolls out onto her balcony wearing only a towel, then sips Riunite as if she's straight from a Jackie Collins novel.

Okay, in reality that's only Phase One of her plan. She continues the seduction approximately 9 hours later, when it's pitch black outside...insert helpful moon shot!

Susan's plan includes actually sleeping with the gardener- boy, this really teaches him a lesson! He suggests they partake in another round, but instead, Susan does her green-eyed thing, turns into some sort of a monster, and kills him with a garden implement. Okay, I guess that really teaches him a lesson.

Soon enough, Susan's victims don't actually have to trespass against her in order for her to unleash the NOMED lurking inside. Poor Aunt Cora, for example, shows up for a visit only to find herself floating around and killed dead thanks to her monsteriffic niece.



One person spared Susan's wrath is Elsie the maid (LaWanda Page...yes, Aunt Esther from Sanford & Son!). Intended as comic relief, Elsie is, in fact, a whopping slice of politically incorrect pie. Yet while she's given to saying things like "Great googily moogily!", Elsie is a rarity in that she's a black character who makes it 'til the end of the picture. When faced with a green fog emanating from Susan's bedroom, Elsie admits there's "Some strange shit goin' on in this house!", yells "No more grievin', I'm leavin'!", and splits.

There's so much more to Mausoleum, but I don't want to give away the whole package, as everyone should be allowed to discover it for him- or herself. Director Michael Dugan has truly given the world a gift! However, a few highlights:

- Susan undergoes hypnosis where she reveals her NOMED nature and corn teeth!

- There's the use of the term "facial fantasy"
- Dialogue includes "Yes...there's a history of possession."
- When possessed, Susan's depravity has no limits- she steals art from the mall!
- Something happens- I cannot reveal what it is, for you must witness it with your own eyes, but suffice it to say, it causes Marjoe fucking Gortner to pull what can only be called a Ridiculous Face of Pre-Death:

- While Mausoleum makes no sense as a whole, the very last shot of the film is so illogical that it actually defies the laws of science and mathematics. Even if you've never seen the film, your guess as to what the fuck is going on here is as good as mine:

- Then we get the end credits, which feature a tender song called "Free Again", written and sung by Frank Primato. It boasts lyrics like "Let's blow the fire dead...that's burning in my head..." and it's every bit as dreadful as you think it would be.

In case you haven't guessed, Mausoleum is a terrible, terrible film. The acting is horrendous, the dialogue atrocious, and the timing between the players is so off that every scene comes across like rejected audition tapes. There's a charm to Bobbie Bresee, but it's one borne of a performance that feels bathed in quaaludes. The sound is awful, as if there's a muted coffee pot percolating somewhere just off camera for the duration of the film. The direction is all but incompetent at times with dull compositions, pointless zooms and pans, and bizarre insert shots. The end of the film, featuring the "exorcism" (I use that term wicked loosely), takes 20 minutes but should only take seven. The creature effects, by genre vet John Carl Buechler, are '80s-style cheesy.

All of that is true, but oh how I loved this movie! I never wanted it to end, ever. On a scale of 1-10, I'd honestly rate it infinity. Lawd help me, it's true- the depths of deliciousness achieved are face-rockingly limitless. Forgive me, Shark Attack 3: Megalodon...step aside, Pieces...there's a new love of my life, and its name is Mausoleum!