SHOCKtober Day 31

Well, this is it pal...end of the line! Boy, depending on intonation that can really sound like a threat, huh? Since this is text, I guess you'll have to figure out for yourself how I meant it.

No matter how I meant it, it is true that today marks SHOCKtober's end. By next week it'll be soft and sagging and browning and leaking. You know, like an expired jack-o-lantern. Will anyone scoop it up and toss it by some far away-ish trees, where it can be eaten and enjoyed by some local animals until its remains return to the soil from whence it came? Or will we all pretend we don't see it in the hopes that someone else will do the scooping? What am I even talking about anymore? Who knows, it's been a long month, okay! It's time for what the French might (don't) call le last favorite character... 

RHONDA JOHNSON'S WIG IN KILLER WORKOUT (1987)

According to the legends, Rhonda Johnson was born Valerie Johnson. On the eve of her big modeling break--a Cosmopolitan cover shoot in Paris--she suffered a tanning bed accident that left her upper back, her breasts, and the top and back of her head horribly scarred. But while you couldn't see them, her heart and soul suffered the most scarring! 

Valerie changed her name and opened a business: Rhonda's Workout. But all those beautiful people reminded her or everything she lost (her modeling career, her nipples, her hair) so she started killing them. It's a terrible business plan.

This is all revealed late in the movie, when we get a glimpse of her wigless and then bewigged:

And I love that the wig is so bad!

Like it was clearly the best they could do with the budget and that's great. But I can't get enough of the idea that we're supposed to think she's been wearing that nest on her head through the whole movie! Until that reveal, her hair looks like it does here, in a scene where she does the two things she does best (business and being mad at someone):

Rhonda Johnson and her wig are the perhaps the greatest movie duo of all time. Why weren't they given a whole franchise? They could travel the world, starting beauty/fitness-related small businesses (though to be honest I'd be happy with her starting any kind of small business, so long as it triggers her murder rage) and then killing off their customers and any nosy cops. Yes, it would just be Killer Workout over and over with a new skin, but I don't see how that's a problem. I'm a ride-or-die for these two queens!

And so, here we are at the end of another SHOCKtober. Until next time...like scar tissue through the hourglass, so are the wigs of our lives. 

Or something. I don't know, it's been a long month!

"Relax...I'm not some kind of crazy killer."

Can you guys believe that Killer Workout has been on DVD and Blu-ray for longer than one minute and I have not upgraded from my VHS copy? Can you also believe that I've talked about it so much but have never properly reviewed it? What is even wrong with me?

This question slapped me right in my face earlier today when Jason, having been recently touched by the film for the very first time, inducted Killer Workout into his long-running "Thursday's Ways Not To Die" series at My New Plaid Pants.

His post got me thinkin' about it, dang it. I need to slap on a leotard ("No, you don't!" -- everyone) and make the jump to modern disc-based technology so I can post some screencaps and gifs and finally, finally do a Killer Workout masterpost.

I am glad, however, that Jason giffed this moment, for it's one of my favorite moments in the film. Just another gal caught playin' with a jockstrap!

Oh my God, I love Killer Workout.

hammer time

Holding true to the instrument of destruction for which it is named, the 1983 film Sledgehammer will bludgeon your psyche until all that remains is an unrecognizable pulpy mass. I'm not sure what I was expecting from this movie, purportedly the first shot-on-tape slasher flick made for the home video market...okay, maybe I expected a few things, considering it hails from David A. Prior, the writer/director of a little something called Killer Workout. I expected some laughs. I expected lots of, you know, 80s-ness. That "shot-on-tape" angle had me expecting crappy quality and the onset of a large bout of warm fuzzies (you know I loves my VHS). I got all of that, certainly, but then I got so much more, so much I had no way of anticipating. You see, you don't watch Sledgehammer, oh no. Sledgehammer HAPPENS TO YOU.

The film opens with a shot of a nice farmhouse nestled in a lush valley. After lingering on this farmhouse for 20 seconds or so, we become privy to the horrors that wait within: mom's a big ol' slut who's here with her lover, but also with her son. She finds a quick resolution to this problem by locking her son in a closet. At this point, we witness the Sledgehammer's first egregious use of slo-mo. The time it takes to zoom from here:


to here:


is 30 seconds. 30 seconds! It's obvious that the slo-mo represents the idea that being locked in a closet totally messes with the boy's mind; it takes longer for the viewer to realize, however, that it also means that Sledgehammer is messing with your mind. Sledgehammer plays by its own temporal and spatial rules, but the thing is, it actually HAS no rules. Sledgehammer does what it wants! Sledgehammer says FUCK YOU.

As mom and lover are about to get down, someone wielding a sledgehammer- go figure, right?- also gets down, but, like, in a death-making way, not a love-making way. That would just be sick!


Ten years later, a group of...of...people, I guess...okay. I know they're people, yeah, but that's the best I can figure out as to who these people are. In my notes, I wrote "Van full of___________?" They're a group of people. They're driven to the house in a van, then dropped off. I guess they're friends...? There are some couples. They're all too old for college. They unpack their bags from the van in slo-mo. They really enjoy going "Woo! Wooooooooo!" a lot. I guess it doesn't really matter who they are or why they're at this house, beyond that most horror movie of reasons: a weekend of partying. Woo! Wooooooooo! Sledgehammer plays by its own rules, period.

One of the couples, Chuck and...girl, are apparently having problems. Chuck insists that for this weekend, at least, they should forget their troubles and have a good time (Wooooooooo!). It's a good attitude to have, for it saves the writer of Sledgehammer the bother of things like "explanations" and "character development". All we need to know about Chuck is this: he is played by Ted Prior, star of Killer Workout and brother of director David. He walks around barechested most of the time. He plays the acoustic guitar whilst barechested. He looks like a walking, talking page from the International Male catalogue. I love Chuck! All we need to know about his girlfriend "girl" is this: she puts up with Chuck.

In a sequence meant to show that Chuck and girl are, I guess, forgetting their troubles, tender flute and guitar music plays as the couple walks...and walks. Then Chuck grabs a handful of girl's hair and yanks her backwards.


Then they walk some more, pointing to something offscreen. Then they walk. Then Chuck puts his beer can on girl's head, then their romantic walk is over. Oh, by the way- this all happens in slo-mo, and the scene takes TWO MINUTES.


Hold on, I just got a telegram from Sledgehammer!


After a party scene where the guys go "Woo! Wooooooooo!" and crush beer cans, there's a dinner scene. Chuck dumps mustard on girl's head, and this leads to a food fight and more "Woo! Wooooooooo!"-ing. This group continues to baffle me, particularly girl. Chuck, our hero, is an a-hole!


That night, Chuck decides they should hold a seance. He tells the story of Easy Mom, the Lover, and the Boy in the Closet, and we see...everything we saw at the beginning of the film. Again. Slo-mo included. Chuck and one of the other guys have set up some practical jokes to go along with the spirit summoning, but as you might expect, the real spirit of the boy in the closet is resurrected. I think? I don't know.



As you know by now, Sledgehammer does as Sledgehammer wants, and what Sledgehammer wants is not to explain squat. All I know for sure is that years of living in a closet didn't stunt the sledgehammer-wielding dude's growth at all, because he's 10 feet tall. No really...he barely fits in the hallway!





Is it the boy? Did he survive and grow up, like, in the closet? Where did the (admittedly creepy) mask come from? You'll never know what's going on- not ONLY because nothing is explained, but because like I said: Sledgehammer follows its own rules of time and space. The man is there, then he's gone, then he's the boy, then he's the man, then he's in two places at once. It's even suggested that the hammer itself is a ghost- a ghost sledgehammer!- I guess. At least, that's what I understood when it faded from view. There's no logic to ANY of it. Oh Sledgehammer, you so crazy!





All of this mindfuck is wrapped up in a fuckier mindfuck: the INSANE amounts of slo-mo and freeze frames used throughout, and oh honey, the score. The synth track drones and drones and drones and persists in your earholes until it becomes something akin to tinnitus. It's possible that you're not even really HEARING it anymore, but it's there, always there, knocking at the back door of your brain. There's a lethargy to the entire affair that you cannot escape. Eventually it's over, but then...it's never really over. Again, this is a movie that happens to you and once Sledgehammer is in your head, my friends, I fear it will never leave.

What's going on here? Your guess is as good as mine.

And that is nothing short of awesome! It's rare that you meet a movie that doesn't give a flying fuck about things like rules and logic and reality and what YOU think- and I mean all that not strictly in regards to filmmaking acumen, but more in regards to...I don't know, the accepted laws of SCIENCE. Sledgehammer just IS, and you can either get with that program or not. It's SO goddamn VHS, from the "Director of Videography" credit to the fonts used in those credits to the impression you get that it was largely edited in-camera to the feel...the feel of it! The sound of it! The slight blur, the white hallways, the washed-out colors, the tin can audio...Sledgehammer feels less like a horror movie and more like an ambitious home-made commercial you'd see on public access.

Chuck has had ENOUGH

If this has you on your knees crying "I need to see Sledgehammer!", then my work here is done, because you DO need to see Sledgehammer. Gather your friends, lock the doors, sit back, and let Sledgehammer pummel you into submission.

Kids, looking for a fun drinking game? Read this review aloud and drink everytime you say "sledgehammer"!

early bird

AMC ran my column early this week because it's a wee interview with Aaron Paul, the dude who stars on the AMC series Breaking Bad who's not the dad from Malcolm in the Middle. He also stars in the remake of The Last House on the Left, which opens this week. Now your Tuesday is like your Wednesday, which I know is going to throw you off-track. For this I apologize, but remember- what doesn't kill you generally makes you want to kill someone else.

In related news: who's going to see Last House?


In other related news, posting is going to be light this week because...well, because I'm busy. Maybe even biz-zay. But what's taking me away from movie watching and the such is actually stuff that I can share with you down the road, so it'll all work out in the end. You know that I do everything for you...but I won't do that! Or something.

In other other related news, I'm glad to see that the results of my Wendy Torrance poll are currently in her favor. It's good to see her get some love!


In other other other related news, Toosday Toons is up. Dare you step inside...The Last House on the Right?

In other other other other related news, here's a scene from Bug. I know you gaze lovingly at that little photo in my sidebar where the woman's hair is on fire...now you can watch the movie magic happen right before your very eyes!



If there's one day I don't want my hair to catch on fire, it's my birthday. Yes, that's the set from The Brady Bunch. I'd also like to point out that she decides to make "chicken mousse", which contains "jellied chicken". I'm sure there's something out there that's more repulsive than jellied chicken and chicken mousse, but whatever it is I'd rather not know about it. Let's distract ourselves from such grossness by re-reading my review of Bug. Sweet relief!

eh, just do it yourself.

I wrote up a bit of an ode to the back yard filmmakers of the world over at AMC this week. Go read it. Or don't, see if I care. You just think you're so big, don't you?

I finally caught the finale of VH1's Scream Queens last night and...ridiculousness aside, I think it was the first time in the history of ever that my favorite contestant from the beginning actually won a reality competition.

And yet, I still feel empty inside.

And I still won't go see Saw VI.

What I will see, however, is My Bloody Valentine 3D, which opens on January 16th. The commercials are starting to air and dammit, I'm excited. The Harry Warden costume looks great and just as scary as the original, and I find myself not caring a whit- NOT A WHIT I SAY- that it's a remake. Perhaps that's owed to the fact that the words "three" and "dee" are tacked on to the title- as we all know, I fucking love 3D. So much so that I would probably go see The Runaway Bride if it were re-released in 3D. So much so that I would probably go see some romantic comedy/frat comedy/heartwarming Christmas movie with an all-star cast that features Paul Reiser, Julia Roberts, Charlie Sheen, Cameron Diaz (I just don't get her), Jack Black (I just don't get him), and the Welch's Grape Juice Children if it were in 3D...and that's saying A LOT because for some reason those Grape Juice commercials really angry up my blood, especially this one.

But today is not a day for angried-up blood! Let's all GET PUMPED to the strains of "Rock n' Rock" from the little1986 masterpiece called Killer Workout. So much rock, they don't have time to roll! Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go make out with my KW videocassette.

wednesday nuggets

Over yonder at Ye Olde AMC, my column this week lists 10 horror movies you may not have seen, but you should. I'm pretty sure I've talked about each of them at one time or another here at good ol' FG, but as we all know, I'm nothing if not completely unoriginal. But go take a gander- who knows, maybe something on there will be new to you. Or maybe they're all old news to you, Little Miss Seen It All. Fine, get all uppity about it, why don't you? Go ahead! Put on this t-shirt and tell me to cram my list! I hope it makes you feel big!

In keeping with today's theme, which is "Totally Lists!" I'm going to bust out a meme for which I was tagged by Jason over at Invasion of the B Movies, wherein I'm tasked with listing a movie I like for each letter of the alphabet. I stuck with horror movies (go figure), and it proved to be fairly tough. For some letters- S and C, for example, I had a difficult time narrowing it down from a whole lotta nominees. For some letters, I came up with el zippo (seriously, what up Y? Q? X? Those are untapped markets, people!). In the interests of diversity, I tried- TRIED- to add a few movies I like but I don't necessarily yap about all the time. And let me reiterate: these are simply movies that I like, which doesn't necessarily mean they're any good. I've never claimed to have any taste!

Enough! It's time for less list talking, more list posting. I know you're peeing your pants with excitement.

That's gross, by the way.

A - Alice, Sweet Alice

This is, of course, on the remake block. I don't know...the killer's getup is amongst the creepiest EVARRRRR and I hope it remains. The original also has a nice layer of scuzz to it which I see going bye-bye with An Updatening.

B - I'd like to reserve this space for the as-of-yet-unseen The Boneyard, but in the interests of list-making, I'll have to say Black Christmas. It's just so damn good!

C - Carnival of Souls

This movie has come up at least 50,000 times in the last month, so it's fresh in mah noggin'. Fresh and creepy, just like Uncle Roy.

D - You probably think I'm going to say The Descent here, right?

Damn straight I am!

E - Evil Dead

F - Final Destination 2

I love sooooo many horror movies whose titles start with "F" (you can tell I really mean it because of all those "o"s I used), but in the end I figured I'd go with this little joyride of a movie. I can't wait for part 4.

G - Ghost Story

Why do I have such a soft spot for this movie? It's not that great...plus there's that early scene with the bad superimposed fall featuring Craig Wasson's private no-no parts- you'd think that would be a deal breaker. It's nice that Ghost Story features a beautiful and creepy Alice Krige, though, and not just a creepy and creepy Alice Krige, as modern movies do.

H - House on Sorority Row

Here's another one I like probably more than I should...but then, I have a weakness for movies featuring friends who keep a terrible secret which comes back to bite them in the ass. Hmm...guess that explains Ghost Story, too. Wow, what a fucking revelatory day!

I - Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1978)

From Donald Sutherland's 'stache-n-'fro to Brooke Adams (I heart her!) to that ending, IBS rules. IBS does not rule, however, when it's used as an acronym for Irritable Bowel Syndrome. Not that I've ever suffered from that, but if you have...consult your local librarian for information that may help you. Or something.

J - Jacob's Ladder

Sublime.

K - Killer Workout

I know, I know, I know. Someday, I swear. For now, let's all just click here and get that song stuck in our heads.

L - Let's Scare Jessica to Death

Here's another movie that's been on my mind a lot lately...and not just because my VHS copy used to belong to Tori Spelling! Okay, maybe a little bit that's why.

M - My Bloody Valentine

The 3D remake is imminent. The best part of that sentence is the words "three" and "dee".

N - Night of the Living Dead (1968)

I just love this damn movie.

O - The Orphanage

I'm really digging Spain's output at the moment. This movie was far schmaltzier than I'd anticipated, but that's good. Unless you hate schmaltz. Which might make you a jerk.

P - Pieces

I don't know when, exactly, I became obsessed with Pieces but it happened and I'm just going to embrace it. Basstarrrrrd!

Q - I got nothin' for Q, homies. I did see a horror movie called Quiltface once, but it stunk and I can't justify including it on this list, although in some weird way I just did. I suppose if I'd seen Quarantine, I may have included that. But then I feel the need to include...

R - [REC]

...because it's so damn awesome.

S - Superstition

Wow, I had a hard time choosing for S. Up until I started typing, I'd intended to name Silence of the Lambs...but then, I'm a woman and it's my prerogative to change my mind! I'm also a bad driver and I'm simply terrible at math...but boy, you should see my shoe collection! This uterus is a blessing and a curse, I tells ya.

T - The Texas Chain Saw Massacre (1974)

Sometimes I think TCM is the perfect horror film. Sometimes I think about how I'd like to have a jetpack.

Those aren't necessarily related, I am just saying.

U - Unsane

Perhaps listing Dario Argento's Tenebre as Unsane is cheating, perhaps not. There's not a lot of U out there, so I do what I have to in order to get RESULTS.

V - The Vampire Lovers

No list of anything is complete without the addition of lesbian vampires. Seriously. Even a list of, say, breakfast cereals! That's right- don't forget "Lesbo Vampire Crunch", which appeared on the market briefly in 1971 before a coalition of angry parents acting "for the sake of the children" got it pulled from shelves. Boxes still turn up on eBay every once in a while.

W - Wrong Turn

Yay inbred cannibals! YAY I SAY!

X - ?

Y - Like I said...?

Z - Zombi

I'm citing this film for many, many reasons, the biggest of which may be that iconic "We are going to eat you!" Conquistador Zombie. When his big grody face appeared on the cover of Fangoria back in the day, it about blew my mind and grossed me so far out the fucking door...plus, this movie features zombie vs shark. Plus..."We are going to eat you!" is so made of awesome it's not even funny. NOT EVEN.

Well, that was fun. Thanks for the tag, Jason!

If anyone's got any suggestions for the letters for which I came up empty...please, let me know what I'm missing. For all I know, the best horror movie in the history of ever may very well start with Q.

The Final Girl Hall of Infamy

Just as I promised, kids, here's a rundown of the worst slasher killers to grace the screen- in my humble opinion, of course. This list was actually tougher to compile than yesterday's, for I had to wax philosophical on such questions as- "What's lamer? A killer in no special garb at all? Or a killer in a stupid costume?". Decisions, decisions. Once again, the films themselves have no bearing on inclusion in this list. I do like some of these movies, even if the psychos themselves are less fear-inducing than Everybody Loves Raymond. Without further ado, here's the inductees for The Final Girl Hall of Infamy, 2006!

10.

The killings in Night School are quite frightening to behold. The killer, sadly, is not. Crocodile Dundee would be proud of that knife, but the rest of the ensemble looks like it belongs on a bad guy from Renegade or Walker, Texas Ranger. Vroom vroom!

9.

While the killer in Graduation Day does use my absolute favorite slasher weapon, the football- with- a- sword- attached, he looks like he's in the middle of gym class. A grey sweatsuit is frightening indeed, but not for the reasons they were going for in this flick.

8.

Behold my scary, scary jean jacket! I'm... going to... glare at you while I sweat! Yeah, that's it! Booga booga! This guy from Slumber Party Massacre might be a big ol' drill-wielding pervert, but scary-looking he ain't. The glistening sweat sheen is gross, though, I'll give him that.

7.

The next entry in the "normal guys doing nothing scary are not scary, dammit" category* is this non- threatening fellow from Pranks. I'm having trouble deciding which of the following is the biggest reason he's so very dull: the light blue t-shirt, the feathered hair, or the fact that he has no weapon. You're a triple threat of boredom there, dude. *see also: He Knows You're Alone

6.

Oh, you know I loves me some Silent Night, Deadly Night 2. As Ricky, Eric Freeman chews up the scenery like it's made out of Rice Krispie Treats, and I couldn't be happier. I could, however, be more scared. Look at that mug! The only thing scary here is the bad, oh so very bad overacting.

5.

Fie thee, The Last Slumber Party! A pox on your house! Sores on your private no-no parts! These and many other bad things I wish upon thee, foul beast. Verily. This guy needs to learn a thing or two about hamming it up from Eric Freeman. He does, however, repeatedly hold a scalpel up the the camera in a threatening fashion...and he's still not in the least bit terrifying.

4.

OK, I know I'm supposed to find the killer in Terror Train scary. I know I am, but I look at this picture and I just have to laugh. He looks like Gene Shalit! Gene Shalit, staring at me... stalking me...whoa. Wait a minute...that is scary.

3.

Maybe... maybe, if done absolutely right, there's a chance that a psycho in a mascot outfit might be a little bit... unsettling. I doubt it, but I always like to have hope- that's just how I roll. What this geek from Girls Nite Out shows us, however, is that if your mascot looks like a simpleton bear wearing a toupee, there's no chance in hell.

2.

Oh my dear god, do I love Killer Workout. Really, truly, I adore this movie. The videotape is one of the true gems of my collection. I'm going to write a nice, juicy post about it one of these days, whenever I feel I can do justice to a slasher movie set in an aerobics studio. Until then, though, feast your eyes on Rhonda and her weapon of choice, the oversized novelty safety pin. I love the fact that she's posing for us with her oversized novelty safety pin. She's not scary in the least, but she rocks my face off anyway.

1.

Sweet, sweet Charles Nelson Reilly above, won't someone save us from the killer in Slumber Party Massacre 2? Please? Not because I'm afraid of him, but because I'm afraid I may gouge my own eyes out just so there's never a chance that I'll see him again. Yes, readers, the top spot in The Final Girl Hall of Infamy belongs to this tool, the worst slasher psycho I've ever witnessed. He's the resurrected killer from Slumber Party Massacre, and somehow he's sprung forth from the dreams of Crystal Bernard of television's Wings. As if that idea isn't the worst you've ever heard, you should know that he comes to life as a "rock and roller"- complete with silver-tipped, high-heeled boots and tassels on his black leather jacket. He dances, he sings, he does the fucking worm and spins on his back. There are many musical montages, wherein he dances around acting "cool" while he chases his intended victims. I repeat: there are musical montages. He does the worm. It sounds alot more fun than it actually is, believe me. The scariest thing about the whole affair is that I've actually sat through it all. On a final note, I present the Lifetime Achievement Award to my favorite movie psycho. She's not scary, yet she's not unscary. She's very righteous, and if you're a racist, a drug-taker, a fornicator, a cheerleader, or a bad rapper, she will take you down. She used to have a penis, but now she's a girl and just as cute as a button. She wields a mean acoustic guitar as well as a mean lawn mower, and she is one Happy Camper. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you Angela from Sleepaway Camp 2: Unhappy Campers and Sleepaway Camp 3: Teenage Wasteland. Bravo! Again, feel free to list your favorite terrible killers. I do so love a list. The clock is ticking kids, and at 11:59pm EST tonight, my Silent Hill 2 Giveaway Contest will turn back into a pumpkin. Don't miss your chance to enter! Follow the link for the rules. Happy Friday the 13th, everybody!