FINAL GIRL explores the slasher flicks of the '70s and '80s...and all the other horror movies I feel like talking about, too. This is life on the EDGE, so beware yon spoilers!
Showing posts with label Adrienne Barbeau fucking rocks. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Adrienne Barbeau fucking rocks. Show all posts

Nov 4, 2019

BLOODvember Day 4: THE FOG (1980)


I know I've talked about John Carpenter's The Fog before, how I love it endlessly and dream of living a Stevie Wayne life. Heck, I bet I've even talked about this specific moment before...but I'm not gonna spool up the microfiche and dig through the Final Girl archives to find out. That's the past and I live in the now, baby, the 100% now where I wanna talk about poor Mrs. Kobritz. Because poor Mrs, Kobritz, amirite?


What a great shot from a great, scary scene from a great, great, scary movie. They wouldn't kill a gramma, would they? Fuck yeah, they would! Those ghosts snatch that nice old lady and her nice old cardigan and they beat her to death. It's wisely kept out of frame, but we know what's happening and poor little Andy knows what's happening and it's brutal. That sweater and that Q-Tip hair and those glasses have always reminded me of my gramma and phew! I admire the moxie of a movie where no potential victim is off the table even while it bums me out.

The Fog is a quick wisp of a film, so small and simple, just a bunch of terrific, moody set pieces all stitched together. Many of the characters don't meet face to face, or maybe they cluster together at the last minute as they seek shelter from the eerie, mysterious fog and the deadly ghosts lurking within it. The characters aren't overly well developed but it doesn't much matter. We know enough to feel like we know them, and we get invested in their well-being. Adrienne Barbeau is, of course, perfect and completely sells "helpless terror" as she watches the fog roll in from her radio station atop the lighthouse. In fact, you couldn't ask for a better cast for this yarn–it's jam-packed with Carpenter mainstays like Charles Cyphers, Tom Atkins, Nancy Loomis, and Jamie Lee Curtis, and rounded out with talent like Hal Holbrook, John Houseman, and Janet Leigh.

And what a yarn it is. Mr. Machen sets us up with a ghost story at the top of it and then we watch it all play out. And best of all, we learn some important life lessons: be nice to lepers, and do not steal!

Man, The Fog fuckin' rules!

Sep 19, 2013

amazon one-star reviews: THE FOG (1980)

I know you know I heart The Fog, as is evidenced in this thing I wrote a long time ago titled "I Heart: The Fog". I have always hearted it for many reasons, one of which is that it used to scare every last bejesus out of me; in fact, it may or may not have a spot on my list of ten scariest movies. I guess we'll have to see come SHOCKtober (which is right around the SHOCKcorner, so send me your list if you haven't already!).


Again, I realize that there may be people out there who don't like this movie despite the fact that it's got a great score by John Carpenter and perfect cinematography from Dean Cundey and it stars Tom Atkins and Jamie Lee Curtis and Adrienne Barbeau and Nancy Loomis and there are leper ghosts and stomach pounders and NEVER MIND I don't understand how anyone could not like The Fog. The remake, sure. But this...ah, well. As nature hath spewed forth the amazing six-clawed lobster, so has she spewed forth a few people who hate The Fog. Why, let's hear from one of those people now!
This is undoubtedly one of the stupidest, poorly acted, and lame movies I have ever seen and I am kicking myself out into the fog for buying it!! I can't even waste the space on my shelf for this one, it's already in the trashcan! Since four letter words are frowned upon here, there is no way I can describe this absurd waste of time.
After reading this one-star review of one of my most beloved films, I thought, hmm. What if my brain is, like, rose-colored and The Fog ain't really that great? After all, it'd been a while since I'd seen it and hey, once upon a time I thought Caveman was the height of cinematic hilarity. With an open-ish mind, I checked out the blu-ray which is SO PRETTY YOU GUYS. First I watched an interview with Jamie Lee Curtis that's included in the special features and she was all "I just saw The Fog again this morning and it's not a good movie" and it was like, I don't know, somebody insulting my cooking or something. First you get all indignant with a "How dare you, I do declare!", but then a moment later you think "Well, perhaps my ambrosia salad isn't 'all that'" and you cop to the fact that there's room for improvement.

So here's what's up: I'll cop to the fact that when the fog starts a-rollin' in to Antonio Bay, Stevie Ray kind of flies off the handle a little too quickly. I'll cop to the fact that there are a couple of plot holes regarding the ghosts and their ghost abilities. I'll cop to the fact that there ain't enough Nancy Loomis in this movie, but then I could watch a 10-hour movie of nothing but Nancy Loomis giving sass. I'll cop to the fact that the film's relatively short running time, brisk pace, and multitude of storylines mean that we never really get a sense of Antonio Bay as a place.

But that's it! The Fog remains a movie that I heart hard and it's wonderful and creepy and a beauty to behold. So take that, Amazon one-star reviewer! Cram that up your Activia, Jamie Lee Curtis!

Wait, come back Jamie Lee Curtis, I can't stay mad at you, I love you forever!

Aug 14, 2012

some things!

Here is a recent SLASHERS 101 sketch edition sketch, aw yeah! Click that link there if you want to order a copy.


The next installment of the Final Girl Film Club will be #50. 50! Can you dig it? As such, it feels incredibly monumental, or at least mildly noteworthy. The movie choice should reflect this, although I'm not yet sure in what way. Should it be a classic film we've all likely seen before, but perhaps have not talked about? Should it be something called Martyrs that will finally force me to write about Martyrs? Should it be something I've never seen? Should it be a straight-up slasher flick to keep in line with the OG theme of Final Girl? Sigh. So many choices. For the next couple of days, I'm open to suggestions in the comments, so suggest away! But maybe consult the list of past selections first- heck, even just the films I've reviewed in general- so we don't get all redundant up in here.

Film Club Second Chance! Way back when, in the 4th meeting o' the Film Club, I chose a movie that was not readily available at the time: The Initiation. Only two fine people took part! Well, guess what. The Initiation is now on Netflix Instant Watch, so now more people can take part. So, on Monday August 20th (that's this Monday, y'all), I will re-run my original review and add links to anyone who wants to join in. I'll probably watch it again in the interim because I do love that movie. The usual Film Club rules apply:

1. watch the movie
2. link to Final Girl somewhere in your review
3. email me the link: stacieponder at gmail dot com
4. bask in the warm embrace of your fellow Film Clubbers

That's it! If you wrote a review of The Initiation a million years ago and you want to be included, that's fine. Just add the link to Final Girl in there somewhere and send it along.

In case it bears repeating, I need your link by Monday, 8/20.

Some folks have sent me pictures of themselves wearing Final Girl t-shirts, like so:

get this shirt and others right here!

Tickles my fancy, it does. In fact, it got me thinking- back when Wizard Magazine was a thing to read, they would publish photos of fans and celebrities holding a copy of the magazine. Like, if you met Bruce Campbell and you had Wizard with you and you were like "Hey Bruce Campbell, hold this copy of Wizard while we take a picture" and Bruce Campbell was all "Uh, okay", you know?

Well, I think I would like to start a permanent page of people with Final Girl stuff- wearing a t-shirt, someone's cat reading SLASHERS 101, whatever. You don't need a celebrity, because fuck celebrities, right? Except Tom Atkins and Adrienne Barbeau and Tracey Gold. I mean, if you get a Final Girl something-or-other in the vicinity of a celebrity and you snap a pic, that's cool. But I care about you. *tear* I'd rather see you wearing a horror centipede t-shirt on top of Mount Everest. Or at the grocery store, same thing. And if you have a site or work online somewhere or something, I'll link to you. Just email pics to stacieponder (at) gmail.com, or send a link if you've posted 'em somewhere already. Don't be afraid to show your face in the picture! But do not show your genitalia!

Oct 11, 2010

SHOCKtober: My GD Top 20


I received numerous- and I do mean numerous as in "consisting of great numbers", from the Latin "numerosus"- lite complaints about how got-danged difficult it was to come up with a Top 20 favorites list. 20 seems like a large enough number, but you're talking about your favorite genre, 20 ain't nothin'. It was part of my plan all along to include a list of my Top 20 and let me tell you, my friends- I feel your pain. I wrote down a whole bunch of titles without thinking much about it- basically, whatever favorites popped into my head immediately- and found that I had written over 30 of them. Then came the culling and man...it was tough.

I didn't want to put any parameters on my selections; I didn't want to leave a movie out because it's a typical Top 20 choice. I didn't want to include something simply because it's a "classic" and it's "good". If my list consisted of 11 Friday the 13th films and 9 Nightmare on Elm Streets, so be it (it doesn't). When narrowing it down, I eventually took to comparing titles in pairs in a head-to-head cage match for a place on the list- which do I like better, this...or that? The winner made the list, the loser stuck in runner-up land. It really was not easy, and on paper my list is a mess of scribbles and crossings-outs and writes and re-writes. I look at it here and I feel pretty good about it, but then I can hear Let the Right One in banging on my door, crying "Let Me In!"...SEE WHAT I DID THERE.

These aren't in any particular order. I've written about most of these movies before- some so many times I really don't have anything groundbreaking to say about them here. Click the links if you want to know more, whether it's a review or my willies list or scenes I love or some such.


The Exorcist (1973, William Friedkin)

This is one of those "Well, it's such a typical list choice, I shouldn't choose to list it" movies, but you know...fuck that. It's a masterful study of religion and man's place in the universe as well as a parable about puberty.

Oh yeah...and it's terrifying.

For me, it remains one of the very few movies I'd rather not watch alone with the lights off. It still gets under my skin, after all these years; I never seem to get desensitized to it, and that's a very good thing.

The Texas Chain Saw Massacre (1974, Tobe Hooper)

This move is so damn powerful and so damn important to the genre that it's still regularly ripped-off more than 30 years since it was made (seriously, if I never see another "crazy family dinner scene" again, I'll be happy).

It was made with little money under excruciating circumstances for the cast...and it's in the permanent collection of the Museum of Modern Art, which...I don't know. Proves something or other, I'm sure. The low budget quality gives the film its infamous verité feel- countless people have wondered if what they're watching is real. Yes, those people are gullible to the point of stupidity, perhaps, but there's no denying the snuff-like, almost forbidden quality of TCM. Leatherface remains one of the scariest, most fucked-up movie monsters ever to grace the screen, and Sally Hardesty remains one of the most resolute final girls. The Texas Chain Saw Massacre remains a slice of cinematic perfection.

The Shining (1980, Stanley Kubrick)

For me, The Shining is a gift that keeps on giving. When I was but a wee bonny lass, the more obvious hallmarks were the things that kept me up at night: the Grady sisters, the axe through the door, the water-logged dead woman. Over the years, those scenes and images remain some of my favorites, sure, but every time I watch the film I have a new favorite thing, a new favorite scene or moment- why, right now, I'm all about the symmetry and Shelley Duvall. Oh, and the poster above Dick Halloran's bed. And the score. And Danny's sweaters. And...


Friday the 13th: Part II (1981, Steve Miner)

Even among horror fans, the Friday the 13th films have the reputation of being a bit scuzzy, a little sleazy, and the generally the least that the genre has to offer. They're pretty stupid, the characters are paper-thin at best, and they amount to little more than teenagers and assorted weirdos getting butchered in increasingly ludicrous ways by a maniac who shouldn't even exist. You know, I can't really disagree with any of that, but it doesn't prevent me from having a Friday the 13th-shaped place in my heart. Perhaps it's largely due to nostalgia, having grown up with a few years' worth of Fridays; perhaps I don't care. Part II, wherein a sack-wearing Jason Voorhees takes up the machete to avenge his mother's death is, to my mind, a quintessential slasher flick.

Martyrs (2008, Pascal Laugier)

I know- I keep talking about this film without ever really saying anything substantial. One of these days I swear I'll give Martyrs the write-up it deserves (or, I suppose I should say: the best write-up I can give it), but now is not the time. Thought-provoking, horrifying, moving, astounding- this movie knocked me on my ass the first time I saw it and while I was sure I'd never want to watch it again, I couldn't stop thinking about it. The next thing I know, I was watching it again. The second time around, it knocked me on my ass again for reasons far beyond the violence and brutality...but that's all for some future post. Ha!

The Descent (2005, Neil Marshall)

Lawdamighty, how I've gone on and on about this movie. What else is left for me to say? I fucking love it, so here it is in my Top 20 favorites. End of story.







The Blair Witch Project (1999, Daniel Myrick & Eduardo Sanchez)

From my review: "All my gushing isn't to say the film is perfect- it's far from it. There are "plot holes", if you will, that you can fly a broomstick through (hi, the map incident, anyone?). But ultimately, I'm a big fat scaredy baby when it comes to things that go bump in the night- and in The Blair Witch Project, they're making noise right outside your door. And I don't care what you say- you know the last 10 minutes of this movie...the 10 minutes in the fucking house- rock your face off."

Yup. Still feel that way.

Day of the Dead (1985, George Romero)

Wait...what? I'm listing Day? Day of the Dead, when Dawn and Night are out there? Yes. That's exactly what I'm doing. Of Romero's original undead trilogy, Day gets the least amount of love from fans and dammit...I think it deserves more. It's got humor, but it never really sinks into outright silliness the way Dawn does. Sarah makes for an interesting- if not always likable- heroine. There are the director's patented Bigger Ideas at Play going on, of course, with all those "who are the real monsters here?" Army a-holes. The film predates CGI core and features some of Tom Savini's best FX work- of particular note is the shot of a gut full of guts sliding out and falling to the ground with a nauseating splash. Then there's Bub, and the shot of all the zombies descending on that massive cargo elevator- bitchin'. Yeah, everyone yells a lot and that's irritating, but big deal! Maybe I love Day so much because it was the first zombie movie I was really allowed to see. Big deal! This is my list, not yours, so choke on 'em! Wow, why am I getting so touchy about this? Must be all that yelling. It...affects a person.

The Evil Dead (1981, Sam Raimi)

I don't worship at the altar of Bruce Campbell and I've never even seen Army of Darkness- but goldurnit, I fucking love The Evil Dead. I originally saw it Once Upon a Time, and let me tell you- the absurdity and humor of it were completely lost on me. None of it was funny to me, not one bit, and it scared the hell out of me. A possessed Cheryl trying to break out of the cellar, pencils stabbed through ankles, the dead not staying dead, claymation faces melting away...what's not to love? Well, maybe the raped-by-a-tree scene, but still.


Halloween (1978, John Carpenter)

Halloween is also a quintessential slasher flick, if not THE quintessential slasher flick. It rises so far above all of its subgenre siblings, though, thanks to the sublime direction of John Carpenter, the entirely believable performance by Jamie Lee Curtis, the timeless, terrifying score, the faceless evil of Michael Myers, the--eh, I could go on and on, but why bother? If you've never seen Halloween, I'm not sure what you're doing here. I mean, welcome and all, but you've never seen Halloween? Really?



The Silence of the Lambs (1991, Jonathan Demme)

Plenty of people say this is not a horror movie. I think it is, and it's also one of my favorites, so voila. You know, I'm totally the type of person who says the Academy Awards are worthless when I find they're not bestowed on the films or actors I think they should be in a given year (I'll never stop bitching about Ellen Burstyn losing to Julia Roberts- never! I'll be complaining about that on my deathbed)...but man, Silence sweeping the Oscars was so very, very right. So right. In every respect, this film is a masterpiece- and I'll be damned if you can find a more feminist piece of filmmaking in all of horrorland. In related news, I've seen this movie a zillion times, but it wasn't until my most recent viewing that I noticed George Romero in his cameo role.

The Thing (1982, John Carpenter)

THE monster movie. THE. THEEEEE. Seriously, the creature FX work of Rob Bottin blew my little mind and continue to do such to my larger mind. Let's face it, it's gross. The horror goes deeper than that, however, as The Thing becomes less about The Thing and more about isolation and paranoia. And beards. The minimal cast is impeccable, the locations stark, the humor black, and the hero undeniably cool and oh-so-Carpenter. There's a prequel in the works and while I'll reserve judgment until I see it, at night the wind whispers "C...G...I...creeeeaaaturessssss" and I cry.


The Haunting (1963, Robert Wise)

There are many, many fantastic ghost stories out there, but The Haunting is simply my favorite. I summed it up as such in my review: "Four people, each in their own way wanting desperately to be accepted and to belong, staying in one very, very bad house." That's it. The film taps into that primal fear of childhood- the fear of the dark, of the things you can't see that go bump in the night. Besides being a terrific pull the covers up to your chin kind of movie, The Haunting is also a compelling character study of loneliness. Heartstopping and heartbreaking. I love love love this movie.


Salem's Lot (1979, Tobe Hooper)

THIS WAS MADE FOR TV. That statement, once and for all, proves that the old days were better. Seriously. Social networking, hybrid cars, iPods, microwaveable macaroni and cheese...fuck 'em. There were horror movies made for TV 30 years ago that are leagues better than theatrically-released horror movies of The Now. What's going on in made for TV horror today? Syfy bullshit. Yes, we all get a chuckle, perhaps, out of Sharktoface vs Octosaurus, but come on. In the old days, we had Salem's Lot. The end.

I love the melodrama and the slo-oo-ooow build of Salem's Lot. I love that Mr. Barlow descends upon the town like a plague, infecting it long before we ever see him. I love how GD scary it all is, for vampires are so very often not scary at all- from Mrs. Glick's resurrection in the morgue to Ralphie floating and scratching in the fog outside the window to Barlow himself (only Nosferatu looks more horrifying), it's simply a big pile of fang-riddled greatness.

[REC] (2007, Jaume Balaguero, Paco Plaza)

I was not expecting [REC] to come out of nowhere like that and punch me in the face with two big fists of awesome. I was not expecting a film to come along 10 years after The Blair Witch Project and make P.O.V. horror fresh again- fresh, and maybe better than it ever was. It's fast and bloody and startling and a relentless, extended jump-scare...then Balaguero and Plaza slam on the brakes with a finale that had me holding my breath and gave me nightmares. Yup, unexpected. Yup, awesome. Yup, a favorite.



28 Days Later (2002, Danny Boyle)

This Romero-zombie-trilogy-in-1 film has more heart, really, than all three Romero zombie flicks combined. Yes, 28 Days Later revitalized the zombie genre (it did, whether you think the rage-infected folk are actually "zombies" or not); it sparked the "running zombies" controversy that continues even to this day in the hearts, minds, and mouths of horror fans everywhere (it did, whether you think the rage-infected folk are actually "zombies" or not); it's a top-notch scary movie, straight-up. What sets it apart, though, is, as I mentioned, the heart of it all. There are countless touches throughout that put some meat on the bones of this thriller- from the goodbye note left by Jim's parents to the echoes of 9/11 in the countless "LOST" postings to the first time Selena smiles to Frank blowing a kiss to the horses running free, the movie draws you in and you suddenly find yourself invested and caring without knowing much about anybody.

Here's something, though- whenever a list of "kick-ass horror chicks" or something equally inane comes along, why is it that Selena is so often overlooked? Hmm? What a great character. Remember her, won't you, and put her alongside your Ripleys and your Ginnys.

The Fog (1980, John Carpenter)

Fog is scary. The Fog is scary. Now that the deep, philosophical ruminations are out of the way...

I heart this movie so much that I hearted it in the I Heart...series. The list of reasons why I love is too long to go into here, so you'll have to click if you want to read 'em. Or maybe the fact that it's here is good enough for you and you don't want or need to read more. I don't know. I don't live your life.



Creepshow (1982, George Romero)

Hey remember when I was just talking about Creepshow recently? Uh huh. I talk about Creepshow quite often. I can't help it. I want to be buried with a copy of Creepshow. Then I want to claw my way out of the ground, clutching it. Then I want to watch it again.

Adrienne Barbeau and Tom Atkins in the same movie. All the other awesomeness of Creepshow aside, those two people guarantee it a place on my favorites list.


Session 9 (2001, Brad Anderson)

This movie about the evil that lurks within all of us is also a damn scary psychological haunted house flick. Chilling and atmospheric, Session 9 seems spare on the surface but rewards repeat viewings.







Candyman (1992, Bernard Rose)

This movie is just so damn good. It's gory. It's terrifying. And, as I said in my review, "More than sheer visceral thrills, however, Candyman works so well because it's a film that's got something to say: it's a meditation on racism, classism, fame, inner city economics, crime, and the power of myth. It's a very smart movie." So there.





PHEW! There they are, my GD top 20. No one in the history of ever has struggled as greatly as I struggled to produce this list. EVER. As I said (and as you'd expect), this list came out with scars. Some dear movies were lost along the way, and I'd like to pay tribute to those casualties right now- those movies that I love but crossed out, those that bubbled under the surface, begging me to make a list of 21 or 31 or any number greater than 20 so they could stand up here alongside their GD brethren. Let's take a moment, shall we?Geez, I really love John Carpenter movies. Let's face it, from the mid-70s to the mid-80s, the dude couldn't be touched.

Jun 24, 2010

way cooler than me

Hold on to your pants, because I'm going to say something that may just shock 'em right off: I am not cool. I know, right? It's hard to believe, what with all my talk of ice cream and video games...but it's true. It's something about myself that I learned a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away and I'm fine with it. I'm not cool, I never have been, and I never will be. Somehow, life goes on.

See, I think that "cool" is something you simply have or you don't. It's not really something you can acquire- it's something you're born with; it's like fetal alcohol syndrome, not alcoholism, dig? Wearing your sunglasses all the time, even indoors, will not make you cool. If you're actually cool, you don't even need sunglasses to convey it. It's not the things you have (although the things themselves may be cool), it's the way you are. Read on to see some of the horror movie characters I find to be the essence of...you know, what I've been talking about.

Joanne Clayton - Tales from the Crypt

Though it's decidedly uncool to murder your husband for the insurance money- uh, especially when your young daughter is hanging out upstairs- Joanne Clayton has enough sass to make us root for her when, moments later, she's pursued by a homicidal Santa Claus. Is it the hair? The shirt? The jewelry? Maybe it's just the fact that she's played by Joan fucking Collins- whatever it is, she's the coolest homicidal wife/mother ever.

Nick Castle - The Fog

Let's face it- I could have just said "Tom Atkins in anything" and it would be true. Whether he's portraying an abusive dad (Creepshow) or a cynical cop (Night of the Creeps) or an older cynical cop (My Bloody Valentine), Tom Atkins is the absolute essence of cool. The Fog is certainly a prime example, as he beds a young, hitchhiking Jamie Lee Curtis and battles the ghosts of lepers past...aaaand his character is named after the actor who played The Shape, aka Michael Myers in John Carpenter's Halloween.

Christine - The Convent

With regards to Adrienne Barbeau, I could simply say that she's sort of like the female Tom Atkins for me- the two of them are simply my dream team of cool. In The Convent, Barbeau gets to strut her badass stuff as Christine, a shotgun-totin', motorcycle-ridin', demon-slaying Catholic schoolgirl-turned-avenger.

Trash - Return of the Living Dead

With her shocking pink mini-mullet, her thigh-high leg warmers, and her penchant for public nudity and graveyard dancing, Trash is one of those weirdo cool girls that you're totally afraid of- even before she comes back from the dead as a zombie.

R.J. MacReady - The Thing

He plays chess and he flies a helicopter. He spouts off a couple of choice one-liners- one-liners that aren't cringe-worthy!- while battling a shape-shifting nasty from outer space. Hell, MacReady is so damn cool he makes the most ridiculous hat in the history of ever seem...well, not so ridiculous. Just you try it!


Troubled teen Violet pop-locked her way into my heart the night I saw Friday the 13th Part V at the drive-in. I was exactly the right age to get her character, and she was kinda like me- or, more specifically, the me I wanted to be. I don't mean the "troubled" part (and Charles Nelson Reilly knows, I certainly talked way more than Violet ever did), I mean the amalgamation of punk and New Wave that she embodied. Oh, those were heady times! The world embraced dual-colored hair, crimping irons, shaved heads, and foppish young British boy bands. For a few glorious days, the biggest question of my early teenhood was "Do I want to be Violet, or be friends with Violet?"

Annie Brackett - Halloween

Your first impulse might be to think that Lynda is the cool one- after all, she's the cheerleader and cheerleaders are always popular and cool, right? Whether or not that's true, it's beside the point. Annie is by far much, much cooler. Her sarcasm and sardonic attitude- especially towards children- give her an "I don't give a shit" edge, but underneath it all, Annie's also a swell pal. And the sweater vest- please. Only someone extremely cool can pull that off.

Peter - Dawn of the Dead

All I really need to say here is "See picture above".


Beth is quietly the coolest member of the ill-fated group of cavers in The Descent. Sure, she doesn't have a Sonic the Hedgehog-esque coif like Holly, and she's not all extreme-sporty like Juno. She's funny and she'll chug a beer as she boldly sports the ugliest pajamas known to man. In a situation that would break most peoples' brains, she has the wherewithall to interpret cave drawings- smarts, if you ask me, are wicked cool. To top it off, she's the loyalest of loyal friends, going so far as to use up most of her last words to warn Sarah of Juno's treachery. I'm certainly not cool enough or selfless enough to do that. My dying words will probably be something like, "This effing sucks!"

The vampire clan of Near Dark

They look as if they must smell like hell. They're filthy. They kill people and feed on them. They're very much not nice. They obliterate the notion of the romantic vampire. They're so obviously cool, which usually backfires miserably- I mean, see Poochie. Somehow, though, Jesse, Severen, Diamondback, Mae, and Homer defy the odds and are just as cool a they seem...so cool, they can even pull of names like "Diamondback".

So there you go- horror movie characters who are definitely cooler than me. No offense, but they're probably cooler than you, too. It's okay. No need to feel ashamed about it- I certainly don't. Much. I swear. Doesn't bother me at all.

lie to me and tell me i'm coooooool!!

Nov 9, 2009

A Field Guide to Horror Movie Jerks

I've talked alot about jerks here at Final Girl. Usually I'm referring to people who disagree with my opinions or don't like the things I like or something- you know, Paul Reiser fans and the such. After all, this is The Internet, and therefore anyone who doesn't think exactly as I do is a jerk.

Today, however, I want to focus on horror movie jerks. I've talked about those in the past as well, but never have I written...

A Field Guide to Horror Movie Jerks!

Yes, my friends, there are many varieties. I'd like to get a few guidelines out of the way first: first and foremost, I'm talking about the jerks who are essentially a part of the protagonist's posse. It goes without saying that the bad guys are jerks- I mean, they kill people; and sometimes the villains have lackeys who definitely cross from expected bad guy jerkiness into wicked bad guy jerkiness- Mr. Straker, I'm looking at you. In the interests of this guide, however, the discussion is relegated to secondary characters who are purportedly on the side of "good". There, glad that's settled.

#1: The Jerk You Can't Help But Like


I love Annie from John Carpenter's Halloween. Perhaps it was a steady diet of "Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions" when I was young, I don't know...but whatever the reason, I generally love a smart and/or sassy mouth, especially when the person wielding said mouth is cranky (see also: Barbeau, Adrienne - Ed.). Mayhaps it's all rebellion against my 5th grade Social Studies teacher, Mrs. Nickerson, who told me that "Nobody likes sarcasm!" as I was getting in trouble for...well, for having a smart mouth borne of a steady diet of "Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions". I beg to differ, Mrs. Nickerson! I love sarcasm and I love Annie Brackett, even though she's kind of a jerk to her friends and the children she babysits...although I Lindsay kind of deserved it. Wait, what was I talking about again? Ah yes, the jerk you're smiling at despite the jerkiness, and you're kind of bummed when they die.

#2: The Jerk Who Turns Out Not To Be A Jerk

Friends, this variety of jerk is perhaps the most rare. Moments within their walking onscreen, you can generally tell into which category a horror movie character will fall: The Joker, The Slut, The Final Girl, etc (this is doubly true for slasher flicks). Unless there's a total a-hole making an appearance, The Joker is usually The Jerk. You'd think this was the case with Ted in Friday the 13th, Part 2...but then somehow, the goofy guy ends up not as goofy as you thought he'd be, you realize he's not a jerk at all, and guess what? He lives until the end of the movie. Coincidence? You decide! (the answer is no. - Ed.)

#3: The Jerk Who May Have A Point

Oh lawd, how I loathe that Harry Cooper! He and Ben bicker throughout Night of the Living Dead- each trying to be Alpha Dog, each has wildly diverging ideas on how the group of survivors should deal with the oncoming zombies. Thing is, Ben is all cool and level-headed while Harry is all sweaty and yell-y and mean to his wife....in other words, he's a jerk. However, his plan- that they barricade themselves in the basement and wait for help- wasn't so bad. In fact, the group's numbers whittle down until it's just Ben left alive, at which time he implements Harry's plan and survives the night (and then the posse of jerks kills him anyway, so who are the monsters? - Ed.). Maybe if Mr. Cooper had been a bit nicer about expressing his ideas, none of them would have become zombie chow. That wouldn't have solved The Problem With Karen, but still.

#4: The Jerks Who Are Extremely Irritating


Like the white trash gross family in Friday the 13th Part V: A New Beginning, this variety of jerk is incessantly annoying. They're loud, or they look like they smell, or they're stupid (or they're some combination of all three), and from the moment they appear you simply cannot wait for them to die so they will just shut the eff up and you will no longer have to look at them. (I like how the teeth of the F13-5 family are only rotten at the gumline. - Ed.)

#5: The Jerk You Feel Bad For Disliking

I think it would probably be misery to hang around with Shelly from Friday the 13th Part 3. Come on- those "practical jokes" would be old before they even start. He's dull and kind of whiny and he's awkward, but I feel bad labeling him a jerk (even though truly, he is one) because he doesn't fit in and he just wants some friends and who's never felt that way at some point in his or her life? (not me, certainly...how dare you insinuate, madame! - Ed.) However, as I start to feel sorry for Shelly, he goes and calls Vera a bitch because she doesn't want to sleep with him, but she was really nice about it and didn't deserve it. Jerk!

#6: The Jerk Who Is A Power-Mad Bully

Oh my, yes. These are the jerks with the guns, or the key to the truck, or something else that gives them the tiniest edge in the fight against whatever horror movie villain everyone's facing. (see also: the security guard in the Dawn of the Dead remake - Ed.) He uses his advantage as a last grasp at power in the face of the coming chaos, torturing and threatening everyone else along the way...sometimes even calling them names! Obsessed with maintaining control, this jerk will often put himself and everyone else in jeopardy with foolhardy actions just because they all said he shouldn't and HE'S THE BOSS. Captain Rhodes of Day of the Dead is such a power-mad jerk that he even tries bossing the zombies around, commanding them to choke on his legs as they eat him.

#7: The Cowardly Jerk Who Dicks Everyone Over

This douchebag jerk will do anything for a promotion or money. When push comes to shove, they'll push and/or shove you out of the way to get to the lifeboat. Resorting to inhumane behavior to save their own skin, they use allies as human shields (see also: Dr. Crews in Friday the 13th Part VII - Ed.), shut doors in people's faces, refuse to open doors no matter how much the person on the other side screams...they'll do anything to survive. They're the slimy snakes of the world of the horror movie jerk, and I CAN'T BELIEVE I PUT A PICTURE OF PAUL REISER ON FINAL GIRL but Burke is a shining example of Jerk #7, so there you go. (I can't believe you put a picture of Paul Reiser on Final Girl. - Ed.) I hate him with the white-hot intensity of a thousand sunburns like the one I got when I went to volleyball camp in 10th grade. (You went to volleyball camp? - Ed.)

#8: Franklin

Franklin, Franklin, Franklin. The king of all horror movie jerks- he certainly qualifies as several varieties, no? He's extremely irritating, yet for a few moments here and there you feel bad for hating him: the dude is in a wheelchair, clearly envious of the bipedariffic frolicking of his sister and her friends. ("bipedariffic" is a scientific term. - Ed.) He has a miserable life, but then he chooses to make the lives of everyone else around him- including the audience- miserable as well. Plus, he's sweaty and he clearly smells like sausage.

There you go, a little primer on Horror Movie Jerks. What did we learn today, friendos?
  • If you have need of a good horror movie jerk, watch any George Romero or Friday the 13th movie. Jerks abound!
  • Jerks always get what's coming to them. So much time is spent making the viewer side against this person that they're practically filled with bloodlust by the time the jerk gets killed. Seriously, when people are rooting for the mass murderer instead of you, you may want to rethink how you interact with your fellow human beings.
  • Don't be a jerk!

Oct 18, 2009

Day 18: "Nothing is forgotten."

At times, I'm pretty easy to please. Throw the words "TV movie", "1977", and "Lee Grant" into the same sentence and I know I'm gonna be in for a good time. I'll admit, though, I have no idea why the prospect of seeing Lee Grant makes me happy- she's always so damn cranky in every movie, but not in an Adrienne Barbeau delicious sort of way. Grant is just plain scowly and never particularly likable...maybe I like that? I don't know. Maybe she's the female J.R. Ewing for me- I love to hate her. It's very complicated, as you can tell.

Anyway, all those keywords I dig come together to bring me- and the world- The Spell, the tale of an "obese" teenager who strikes back at her tormentors with the mysterious powers of her mind.

Hey, maybe that's it! Maybe Lee Grant has mysterious mind powers, and compels me to watch her films.

The Spell opens during gym class, wear all the leotard-clad girls are picking on the oversized sweatsuit-clad Rita for being a "tubbo" (let's ignore the fact that Rita actually isn't particularly fat, shall we?). The teacher pairs up the girls for a little rope-climbing competition, and while Rita fails miserably at the task, her bitter arch-enemy Jackie has clearly enrolled in Advanced Cirque Du Soleil Theory...or, she moonlights at The Doll House or some such.

While Jackie spins and flips defies gravity and thinks she's so big, the camera repeatedly zooms in on Rita's face to the tune of several musical stings. When Jackie falls to the floor and lands in a broken heap, we can only infer that Rita has eerie mental powers.

Home life is just as much a drag for Rita as is school life. Her father also picks on her for being fat, perhaps as a way to overcome his insecurities regarding his obvious hair loss...or, perhaps, he's simply a dick. Mom Marilyn doesn't pick on Rita per se, but she's not very nice, either; then again, she's played by Lee Grant, so what do you expect? It's difficult to tell when she's not supposed to be a cooch. Rita's younger sister Chris (a little baby Helen Hunt) is pretty and popular though dim, but since looks are all that matter to this family she's the favored daughter. Sorry, Rita, it's tough being 15.

The fact that Rita is hounded by her father for being grossly overweight when she's not raises a question that pops up in my brain place, especially when friends of mine are expecting: what if you just...don't like your kid? What if you do your best to raise them right, and then they turn out to be racist, or homophobes, or Paul Reiser fans, or they hate everything you like, or they're just plain jerks? Even worse, Rita isn't really any of those things- she simply doesn't fit in with her family. Granted, her dad is a total a-hole - when his wife suggests they send their daughter to a shrink, he responds with "Or a firing squad!" - but still. You can't like everybody, and what if you don't like somebody you're supposed to? It's a depressing thought, and The Spell is probably the most depressing Carrie rip-off in existence.

Rita, meanwhile, starts to become a little more jerky by the day as she gets a little more witchy by the night, sneaking out at all hours in her finest capery to hone her telekinetic skills with the help of her mentor.

When Rita's face flashes on screen, you know that one of her tormentors is about to be on the receiving end of something or other. This is the case when Marilyn goes to visit a friend who silently chokes and spontaneously combusts as Marilyn looks on, more appalled than frightened (again, this is Lee Grant, folks).




This sequence is without a doubt the money shot of the film.

At home, however, Rita smiles serenely as she embroiders her "Hang in there, kitty!" wall decoration and remains preternaturally calm in the face of hideous nightwear.


The hijinks escalate as Chris almost drowns at a swim meet and dad is almost flattened by a car...and although Rita's not present during either incident, Marilyn begins to suspect that something's hinky with her eldest. Soon it's time for a showcase kitchen showdown for the ages!

Okay, so "for the ages" might be a bit of an exaggeration.

Okay, so "a bit of an exaggeration" might be a bit of an understatement. This is a made-for-TV effort that's fairly tame even for its time period. Again, I can be easy to please, and this bargain basement Carrie pleased me. It's little more than a pleasant 70-minute diversion, and what's wrong with that? Dammit...it must be Lee Grant and her witchy ways compelling me again. But how was I to know? It's not like she was wearing a cape!

For a limited time, you can watch The Spell on Hulu and judge for yourself if you're so inclined.