awesome movie poster friday- the BARBEAU edition!

Notes:

1) The lesser-known landscape-format Creepshow poster fucking rocks.

2) I have not seen Cannibal Women in the Avocado Jungle of Death. I'm not sure if my love of the Barbeau can get me to, either.

3) There's a far more ridiculous poster for The Fog way back yonder in this post. Those crazy Germans!

4) I like the oversized novelty handcuffs approach to the first Escape From New York poster, but the second one has the running and the shooting and the little "pew pew pew!" flames coming out of the guns, so the second one wins.

5) Yes, The Thing. Sneaky hobbitses!

Shriekfest, yo.

Well, babies, here I am after 12 ass-numbing hours of indie horror and sci-fi cinema. There were the usual dizzying highs, depressing lows, and oh so creamy middles you'd expect from...err, 12 ass-numbing hours of indie horror and sci-fi cinema. Here's some lo-down on what I caught during yesterday's schedule- because, as you know by now, I care.

The French Call Them..."Les Shorts":

Iron Bird: I shouldn't even mention this one, as I came in somewhere towards the middle. Mayhaps it was interesting, I can't really say. What I can say, however, is that when the CGI ghost appeared at the end I thought "Hmm. I'd rather see a little girl in ghosty makeup than a CGI ghost." Yes, "ghosty".

Gay Zombie: Wow, zombies are still the new black! In the first zombie-flavoured short of the day, there's this zombie, right? And...wait for it...he's gay! Will the gaggle of homo stereotypes accept him despite his undead tendencies? That's pretty much it. My pals were more enamoured with this than I was; I thought the joke was played out in the first 2 minutes.

The Frolic: An effectively creepy story about a convicted child killer who plays mind games with the psychiatrist assigned to his care.

Final Run: This was...umm...I don't really know what to say. Honestly, I can't say it was good, but I was into it- but that's because I'm into sci-fi films made on a dollar ninety eight budget, you know? The plot was familiar yet confusing: a "hardened" mercenary goes on a final run (omigod, that's the name of the movie!) before retiring, but there are double crossings and things that don't make much sense and who cares, because it's a sci-fi flick made on a dollar ninety eight budget! Sit back, enjoy the computer effects that look straight outta 1996, the California desert doubling as a distant planet, and minature spaceships that go "pew pew pew!".

Perpetuum Mobile: I enjoyed this silent animated ode to Leonardo Da Vinci. What I remember most now, however, is that the credits were about 3 times longer than the film itself.

Zombie Love: Oh no...did I just say "zombie"? Can I get a holla? Yes, folks, pull up your pants and prepare yourself for the zombie musical. This was actually pretty funny and quite enjoyable, but you know...zombie musical. What is there to say, really?

Pig Tale: You know what? Fuck zombies. Ghosts anally raping rapists with beer bottles is totally the new black. The next time I see you, ask me to provide the sound effect that accompanies said rape-age. Fun for the whole family!

Wretched: You know what's awesome? Having friends who make good stuff. Great performances and disturbing subject matter = a film I don't have to lie about when offering my opinion to the filmmakers. Yay! Not that I lie, of course, but sometimes it's hard to think of a way to put a positive spin on a movie when you didn't like it, you know? My standard is usually "Wow, you...you did it!"

Death's Requiem: A fairly stylish film about a comic book artist who is...uh, sort of smoking himself to death. He realizes that he can see the grim reaper, who looks just like the grim reaper character in his comic books aaahhhhhh!

Drip: It begins with the words "based on actual events" appearing onscreen, but then it's simply a retelling of an extremely familiar urban legend. But, I must say, it's well-done and the tale is told in a way that makes it seem fresh. Now if someone would just make a short about that one where the woman brings home a cactus and the cactus starts moving and then it bursts open and then spiders spill out of the cactus and then the spiders lay eggs in her vagina, that would rule!

I missed two feature films when I went out with my pals to get some chow...I paid waaaaay too much money for one of the worst enchiladas I've ever had. I found this irritating. I still do, actually, though I'm just gonna let it go. I'm not going to let that enchilada ruin my life! Right here, right now, I'm taking back my life. In your face, overpriced cheese enchilada with no cheese! You know what? I'm even going to try to forget about the "free" soup that accompanied my overpriced enchilada, because I'm the bigger person here. When I said "Is this soup vegetarian?" because I'm a vegetarian, right? And the waiter was all like "Yeah, it's lentil" and I was all "Okay" and then I had a spoonful and yeah there were lentils, but the lentils were accompanied by chicken and I had to be all "Eww!" and I couldn't eat the soup. But...I'm letting it go. I am. Tomorrow, if you see me and you go "Stacie, how 'bout that soup and enchilada and paying like 26508973 dollars for them, huh?", I swear I will just be like "Peace be with you!" and I'll go on my way. I rise above...I rise above, my friends.

After The Enchilada Incident, I caught two features. The first, Netherbeast Incorporated, was...I don't know. It's vampires in an office. It was funny, but I wasn't rolling around peeing my pants and clutching my sides. Well, I was peeing my pants, but that was because I was wasted, not because I was laughing. Anyway, everyone else was rolling around, so whatevs. Maybe I'm a tough customer when it comes to comedy, who knows. Or I was too drunk to get it.

The last feature of the evening was The Cellar Door, an intense flick that puts a spin on the "Hooray, let's torture women!" trend. If you've read Final Girl for any length of time, you might know that I'd rather buy 50 overpriced enchiladas than sit through something like Captivity- not that I'm still hung up on the overpriced enchilada or anything, but you get my point. The Cellar Door is different in that it focuses on the characters and their interactions- the relationship between the captive and the captor- more than trying to derive "thrills" from showing women being brutalized. The serial killer, Herman, doesn't have an elaborate tunnel system underneath his house, and he hasn't devised a series of traps- each more sinister than the last!- with which to victimize his prey; rather, he's simply made a cage. Herman isn't an over-the-top cuckoo nutso; he's the guy next door. His house is located in an average suburban neighborhood, he shops at the dollar store, he drives an SUV, and he looks like the kind of guy you wouldn't normally give a second thought to...and that's what makes the cage in the basement so terrifying.

Two girls, Rudy and Crista, catch his eye one afternoon; Herman follows them around and kidnaps Rudy from her bed. Rudy wakes up in a cage in Herman's basement and has to figure out how to escape- that's pretty much it. As I said, The Cellar Door is about the characters, and Michelle Tomlinson (Rudy) and James DuMont (Herman) really drive the film with their performances. The range displayed by each is welcome in an indie production, particularly from Tomlinson, who spends virtually the entire movie locked in a box. Neither Tomlinson nor DuMont pulls out the over-the-top histrionics you might expect to see for these types of roles. Director Matt Zettell and DP Skye Borgman avoid the far-too prevalent music video/shaky cam/handheld/jump cut style of filmmaking, and I couldn't be more thankful.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to head back to Shriekfest for another day of overpriced enchiladas indie horror.

I'm over the enchilada thing, I swear.

future's so bright, it looks like 20 years ago

Let’s get a few things out of the way up front concerning Ronald Moore's 1985 cyberpunk-lite thriller Future-Kill:

-Yes, the HR Giger-designed poster art is the most terrifying thing about the film.
-The “future” of Future-Kill is actually the mid-‘80s.
-The novelty of seeing Texas Chainsaw alums Edwin Neal and Marilyn Burns reunited in a cyberpunk-lite thriller, coupled with the film’s earnest charm pretty much overshadows all the big fat shortcomings- for me, anyway.

I’m not sure exactly what I was expecting from Future-Kill, but whatever it may have been, the movie certainly delivered something completely different.

Wait, I do know what I was expecting: a post-apocalyptic slasher movie. Yeah, that’s it! When the title FUTURE-KILL appeared on the screen in a computeriffic font one letter at a time- each letter accompanied by a “pew pew!” sound, natch- followed by the sight of a metal-clad, mohawked Edwin Neal, I was sure I was in for a post-apocalyptic slasher flick. Somehow, though, the film got lost on its way to Pismo Beach (must have taken a wrong turn in Albuquerque) and turned into a…a…well, let’s not get ahead of ourselves here.

Neal stars as Splatter, a psychotically violent member of an anti-nuke group known as The Mutants. The Mutants, peaceful as they may be under the leadership of Eddie Pain (Doug Davis), are hated and feared by the conservative population. They’re totally like the X-Men, you know? Except instead of being “real” mutants and having powers and flying around and shit, they just put on too much eye makeup (it draws attention to their cause, man!) and live in the ghetto.

"Why I oughta..."

Before you can say “Omigod whoever would have thought that someday there would be so many anti-nuke protesters that they’d have to splinter off from the rest of society and form their own community? And omigod again, Edwin Neal looks like the love child of the Ultimate Warrior, Wez from The Road Warrior, and Patti Smyth from the video for the song 'The Warrior'!”, however, Future-Kill changes course and becomes a wacky ‘80s frat comedy.

Say WHAT?!

Yes, here we are at a rockin' frat party, complete with inflatable dolls, nerds, keg stands, and the item I now covet most in the whole entire world, a Deep Throat pinball machine.

No frat party would be complete without nutty hijinks, and boy oh boy, does Future-Kill deliver! When our heroes (I couldn’t be bothered to learn their names, sorry) tar-n-feather the leader of a rival house, their “punishment” ties the disparate movie halves together: the boys are forced to don some primo Toyah Wilcox-style makeup and head into the ghetto to kidnap a Mutant. Golly, kidnapping sure is fun!

Unfortunately, The Frat Boyz cross paths with Splatter before they can nab their target, none other than Eddie Pain himself. Splatter kills Pain in a bid to take over the Mutants; he blames the murder on The Frat Boyz and the chase is on. The Boyz then have to find their way home, battling their way through strange turf. After revealing this major plot development, let’s take a moment to run through our “warrior”-related checklist, shall we? So far we’ve got nods to:

- The Ultimate Warrior
- The Road Warrior
- “The Warrior”
- The Warriors

If only we could tie A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: The Dream Warriors into this somehow…

I’d also like to mention that “Splatter kills Pain” sound like something out of American Gladiators: To the Extreme! Where’s Zap when you need her?

Anyway, at this point in the proceedings, yes, Future-Kill comes to resemble The Warriors quite a bit- there’s lots of running around empty, poorly-lit streets and punching. Sadly, the bad guys in Future-Kill (with the exception, perhaps, of Splatter himself) resemble nothing so cool and badass as The Baseball Furies from The Warriors; rather, most of them look like the Super Mario Brothers in “heroin chic” eye makeup.

The Frat Boyz save a Mutie Hooker from rape at the hands (and…err, the penises) of some crooked cops. Reluctantly, The Mutie Hooker decides to help The Frat Boyz find their way home. On their journey, of course, everyone learns that underneath all the abused Maybelline products and the Izod polo shirts, we’re all the same. We all have feelings and dreams and hearts that sometimes ache.

*tear*

Mutie Hooker takes The Frat Boyz to see Dorothy Grim- yes, folks, it’s Marilyn Burns…and she’s not afraid to poke a bitch with an oversized novelty fork.

Grim agrees to help The Frat Boyz only if they’ll help her get rid of Splatter once and for all- et cetera et cetera, gooey denouement.

So…Future-Kill. It’s…well, what is it, exactly? ‘Tis an odd duck, to be sure. I mean, it’s half frat house comedy, half cyberpunk-wannabe-Warriors ripoff. There’s an explanation for this, courtesy of Edwin Neal in an interview on the DVD- the first draft of the script was too short, so they padded it out…with comedy.

I said it explains it…it doesn’t, however, excuse it. Why didn’t the filmmakers pad out the script with more Splatter antics, rather than keg party antics? I guess that’ll remain one of the history’s mysteries.

Then there’s Marilyn Burns and Ed Neal in their getups, which, after having seen them both in Chainsaw...I could only smile a little and shake my head more. Awesomely bizarre. There’s also an obligatory club scene, wherein we’re treated to two songs by some no-name punk-lite band and Grade-A ‘80s dancing. While the scene only serves to slow down the proceedings, I’m sure that if I’d seen this when I was in 8th grade- when I wore my Fuzzbox cassette down to a warble- I’m sure I would’ve crowned this flick the Best Movie Ever.

Despite its numerous flaws, despite its general silliness, I still found myself enjoying Future-Kill. Why? I’m not quite sure. Was it the Texas Chainsaw alums? Was it the “pew pew pew!” title placard? Was it the Escape From New York-like plonky synth soundtrack? It could be all of those things, or it could be none of them. While watching, though, I got the feeling that the impetus behind this movie was someone simply declaring, “Hey! Let’s make a fucking movie!”…and then they all got together and they did it. I like that. Wait, that’s the key- Future-Kill’s got moxie!

And eye makeup. Lots of eye makeup.

I give it 5 out of 10 “Cannnn yooooou dig it?”s.