The choice has been chosen

Thanks for all the Film Club suggestions posted both here and on the Final Girl Facebook page. You guys have the best taste, I swear! But this month, there can only be one movie and that movie is...

La residencia (aka Finishing School, aka The House That Screamed)

It's a SHOCKtober placer, having appeared at #301 on the list of films that have scared you the most, and at #229 on your list of favorites. Therefore it's been on my radar for years. Therefore, the time has come. And the whole damn thing is on The YouTubes, so you have no excuses. Give it a watch. Write something up or join the discussion or both! See why everyone* raves about the Final Girl Film Club.

The movie: La residencia

The due date: Tuesday, December 17

The deal: 

1. watch the movie

2. link to Final Girl somewhere in your review

3. email me the link: stacieponder at gmail dot com

4. bask in the warm embrace of your fellow Film Clubbers

If you wrote a review of the film previously, that's totally fine. Just add a link to Final Girl in there somewhere and send it along.

*no one

A call to arms!

So I'm sitting here having the darndest time- THE DARNDEST TIME I SAY- deciding what the next Film Club selection should be. The last couple of weeks have been largely movie-free for me, and now I don't know what I feel like. Supernatural? Classic? Slasher? Something I've seen already? Italian? I just can't figure out my feels.

Help me out! List some suggestions in the comments and we'll see what shakes out. While I can research and find out how readily available a movie might be, I do implore you: consult my reviews list before naming a film to see if I've already written about it.

Here is a picture of the late Macdonald Carey of television's Days of Our Lives to reward you in advance for your efforts.

Film Club: The Conjuring

It's about time I saw The Conjuring, isn't it? Everyone has had their hands down their pants over this flick since it hit theaters, where it racked up more money than every other horror movie combined. It's the best genre film since forever, director James Wan is single-handedly saving the industry, it's got a 7.6 on IMDb, it's #31 on the What Movies Have Scared You the Most list...man, I would have seen this months ago if I wasn't such a creepy recluse! Now that The Conjuring and I have gotten conjugal, how oh how do I feel?

Purportedly based on true events, The Conjuring tells the story of the Perron family, who seek the help of demonologists Ed and Lorraine Warren to rid their house of some seriously troublesome malevolent force. Kids are yanked out of bed, doors open and close, knocks are heard when there ain't no one knocking...pretty standard modus operandi for a ghost poltergeist demon, pretty standard horror movie stuff. So why is everyone flipping out over The Conjuring?

Well, everyone is flipping out because the film is, quite simply, designed to scare you. At times, it works- I mean, noises coming from somewhere in the dark is super effective, duh. If the subject matter is treated seriously- and The Conjuring takes itself really, really seriously- then the audience is bound to respond. One sequence in particular had me...hmm, how to describe, hmm. Okay, if The Conjuring had a hand, one sequence would have had me eating right out of the palm of it: the scene that finds Perron matriarch Carolyn (Lili Taylor) investigating those noises in the dark. Super effective! Hooray!

But man, I dunno. The rest of it seemed so calculated, so obvious, a bit like one of those haunted houses that pop up around Halloween. You know, you walk through it and it's dark and creepy and you're clinging to the shirt of the person in front of you and your stomach is twisted up in knots...but then part of you knows exactly how everything will play out. You see are dark corner and you think, "Okay, so that's where the person will jump out at me." You walk by a closed door and you know it's going to pop open. There's nothing wrong with this, and it's fun to get on board and just go with it. But ultimately, rather than burrow under your skin and stay with you, it's sort of fleeting and cheap and hollow. Like some of my best relationships! Heyoooooo!

It's to the film's detriment that Wan establishes a standard routine to the scares: there's a lure, a false scare, and then the real scare, ahh! It doesn't help that he seems reluctant to let a moment linger. Instead, there's always a music sting or a jump scare to wrap things up. On the rare occasions he allows a scene to progress slowly, it's terrific: when a terrified young girl whispers to her sister that there's someone standing in the dark behind her bedroom door, it's the stuff of childhood nightmares played out. I wanted more of that, the creeping dread, and less of the startles, if you know what I mean.

I have no idea whether or not Ed and Lorraine Warren are a couple of sheisters, capitalizing on peoples' fears and gullibility. Mind, I say "I have no idea" while knowing that they undoubtedly are...it's just that I find a world where demons are a possibility much more interesting than one where they are not, so a part of me will always entertain the notion that the Warrens were on the up and up. Regardless, The Conjuring doesn't quite know what to do with the couple, and this is where the film really falls apart. We get some backstory (which also allows James Wan to once again confront his fear of creepy-looking dolls) and see them lecturing, sure, but there are only hints at how their demon-busting ways have affected their lives. There's too much on the Warrens, but also not enough. We know God brought them together, as they say, and we know that they've seen some shit...so why are they so friggin' boring?

The Conjuring is essentially set up like a porno: the scenes between the "good stuff" are total throwaways, the ones you fast-forward through to get to the sexy times (or, in this case, the scary times). When Carolyn attends one of the Warrens' lectures and then tries to convince them to investigate her house, it is some "Who ordered the sausage pizza?" shit! Basically, it's this:

Carolyn: Some weird stuff is happening at my house. Will you come look?
Ed and Lorraine: No, sorry...
Carolyn: Please?
Ed and Lorraine: Okay.

And the fact that somehow, Lorraine has done some research and solved every single mystery and figured out every single clue and explains it all to Ed in 15 seconds? You get the idea that the film was originally a bunch of scary ideas, and then right before shooting, everyone realized they needed some scenes in between.

Girl, and don't even get me started on that exorcism.

Okay, do get me started.

So, exorcisms are a big deal, right? There needs to be research and documentation. Permission must be granted from on high (if not from the Exorcist Committee of the Vatican or what have you). They are serious business and only once in a while are they ever performed. When they are performed, it's by, you know, an exorcist. The Conjuring makes note of all of these facts...and then craps all over them. Here's how you can perform an in-home, priestless exorcism today, according to this movie:

1. Believe in God
2. Read from "the book"
3. Sprinkle some holy water
4. Remind the possessed person about something nice

That's it! The possessed person will then barf out the demon, problem solved. I don't see why Fathers Merrin and Karras got so worked up about the MacNeil affair and why it took such a heavy toll on them, or why they had to take breaks. That shit looks easy!

I know, it seems like I'm harshing on this movie. Maybe I am a little bit. I thought the "so this one Salem witch was a real witch, honest" angle to be somewhat distasteful. As I said, the scare pattern took away much of its power, and I spent the last 20 minutes or so just waiting for it to be over. I did have some fun with it, but I'm sorry to say that my hands are decidedly outside of my pants over The Conjuring.

EDITED TO ADD: For real, can someone explain to me how this was a demon and not just the ghost of the witch? Is it because she was all "Go, Satan!" so he made her a demon? Or, what, ghosts can't possess people and the film needed a possession? I am for real confused.

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SHOCKtober: 60-51

The following film received three votes:

60. Halloween II -- 1981, Rick Rosenthal

Each of the following films received four votes:

59. The Grudge -- 2004, Takashi Shimizu

58. An American Werewolf in London -- 1981, John Landis

57. Friday the 13th Part 2 -- 1981, Steve Miner

56. The Woman in Black -- 1989, Herbert Wise

55. It -- 1990, Tommy Lee Wallace

54. Child's Play -- 1988, Tom Holland

53. The House of the Devil -- 2009, Ti West

52. Scream -- 1996, Wes Craven

51. The Brood -- 1979, David Cronenberg

What a sweet, sweet chunk o' list this is! So much goodness. More than anything, I think it simply reinforces my belief that 1981 was totally such an awesome year for horror. Although I have to admit, whenever I think about Halloween II, the first thing that comes to mind is that Dollar Tree wig Jamie Lee Curtis sports.

Okay, now here is some news you can use:

First and foremost, tonight is the night! The night of...The Re-Scare-ening, a one-night Scare-ening reunion special. Listen in! Call in! It'll be fun. And if you can't listen live (tonight at 8pm EST/5pm PST), it'll be available for download and streaming after it airs.

Also, it's time to choose a choice for the Final Girl Film Club. And this time, it's a film everyone won't shut up about so I'd might as well add my voice to the cacophony...The Conjuring! Can't wait to see how James Wan's fear of dolls and old women is manifested this time! Ah, don't worry, I'll give it a fair shake. I hope I enjoy it as much as most everyone else seems to.

Here lie the Film Club what-fors:

The movie: The Conjuring
The due date: Tuesday, November 12
The deal:

1. watch the movie
2. link to Final Girl somewhere in your review
3. email me the link: stacieponder at gmail dot com
4. bask in the warm embrace of your fellow Film Clubbers

If you wrote a review of the film previously, that's totally fine. Just add a link to Final Girl in there somewhere and send it along.

Film Club: The Last Will and Testament of Rosalind Leigh

I don't know what things are things anymore, so I ask: is complaining that there's no original horror on the market nowadays still a thing? If it is, everyone should stop that right now. RIGHT NOW I SAY. There's been massive amounts of original horror on the market for, oh, the last five-six years or so. Sure, maybe the good stuff doesn't always make it to your local cinetheatermultiplexateria, but it's out there. The Last Will and Testament of Rosalind Leigh (2012) is one mighty fine example.

After the death of his mother Rosalind (Vanessa Redgrave), Antiques dealer Leon Leigh (Aaron Poole) returns to her home to take stock of whatever she's left behind. A night spent in the house he hasn't seen in years leaves him grappling with memories of childhood abuse, attempting to suss out his mother's involvement with a angel-worshipping cult, and perhaps running from the evil forces of the same.

You won't be wrong if you expect that writer/director Rodrigo Gudino's pedigree as the founder of Rue Morgue magazine means he knows a little something about crafting an effective horror film. Rosalind Leigh is unsettling throughout, building to a final twenty minutes or so of pure terror. Mind, this ain't one for the blood-n-guts jumpscare jump cut crowd. Rather, it's quiet, cerebral, and yes, the slowest of slow burns. Patience is rewarded, as I assume repeat viewings would be. To put it bluntly, Gudino's film make those of Ti West look like action-packed thrill rides, and that's certainly not going to cut it for every genre fan.

I've never seen anything structured quite like Rosalind Leigh. It may not make any sense, but it plays a bit like a feature-length short film. It's very confined in both time and space: it's one man spending one night in one house. There are other characters but they are only voices on the phone, voices hidden behind doors, perhaps glimpsed in a video or a flashback. Although she's dead, Rosalind's presence weighs heavy in every scene, sometimes amplified by the sadness and longing in Redgrave's terrific voiceover work.

Religion is at the forefront of Rosalind Leigh, and her sprawling, angel-filled house is like Margaret White's wet dream mansion. If you've ever found Christian iconography disquieting, this film is going to get your panties in, like, ten twists. The camera lingers on faces, in corners, in the dark, and you're never quite sure what's going to move. This place is a nightmare and were I Leon, I'd have nuked it from orbit.

nope, no thank you

Gudino lays down some ideas about faith and superstition, about the loving God/vengeful God dichotomy and belief: does it make things happen, or prevent them from happening? (I found myself thinking that it must be pretty stressful to live as a hardcore True Believer, always worried about pissing off the dude in charge, you know?) While it opens the door to discussion, however, Rosalind Leigh ultimately doesn't provide a true resolution to the goings-on. Whether or not the film satisfies you in the end may be in direct proportion to your willingness to let questions go un answered. To me, the ride was most definitely worth it.

And if there's one thing that The Last Will and Testament of Rosalind Leigh taught me, it's that under no circumstances should you ever drop your fucking fork.

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ne forget pas!

Final Girl Film Club day is this Tuesday, the 22nd, so fix yer peepers on The Last Will and Testament of Rosalind Leigh, why don't ya.


If you write something up, send a link to me at stacieponder (at) gmail (dot) com- and be sure to mention Final Girl somewhere in your review or epic poem or whatever you write. If you just want to discuss the film all comment-like, check back here on Tuesday or head over to the Final Girl Facebook page. Good times are guaranteed*!


*good times not guaranteed

People of Earth!

Right to business, right to business I say!

First up, Film Club! The next pick is a film I've been hearing good things about, and that film is The Last Will and Testament of Rosalind Leigh. So get your eyeballs ready to watch it and your fingers ready to write about it or your yap ready to discuss it or whatever, aw yeah.

Les haps:

The movie: The Last Will and Testament of Rosalind Leigh
The due date: Tuesday, October 22
The deal:

1. watch the movie
2. link to Final Girl somewhere in your review
3. email me the link: stacieponder at gmail dot com
4. bask in the warm embrace of your fellow Film Clubbers

That's it! If you wrote a review of this film a million years ago and you want to be included, that's fine. Just add the link to Final Girl in there somewhere and send it along.

Next item on the docket! The clock be a-tickin' for you to submit your list of the ten movies that have scared you the most for the Final Girl SHOCKtober celebrations. Here are the relevant details, if'n you don't know 'em already. The deadline is end of day, September 26th! "End of day" meaning what time? I don't know, end of day wherever you are. If your email is dated September 27th, I'm chucking it in the cyber-bin!

I'm loving the entries so far! Some really wackadoo stuff submitted, which is pretty great. I don't care if it scared you when you were five or when you were 105 (but omg if you are older than 105 and you read Final Girl, let me know)...just whatever scared you. The list doesn't have to be in any order. It doesn't even have to be ten movies- some real badasses have only been scared by, like, two movies in their whole lives and that's just fine by me. If you submit more than ten, well, I'm only taking the first ten you list. If you want to tell me why any of the movies scared you, that's cool but most definitely not a requirement...it's just fun to read.

SO WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?

Film Club: The Omen (1976)

You know what I love about The Omen? I love that Satan doesn't fuck around. You know I love possession movies, but let's face it: whether it's The Exorcist or Beyond the Door or whatever else, poor demon-riddled saps lie around in bed sounding scary and looking gnarly. That's great! It's one of my favorite things in horror movies! But I ask: to what end? What is your purpose, Pazuzu? Sure, once in a while someone dies courtesy of a flying credenza or something, but what's the bigger picture? This is tragedy on a personal level: oh no, our daughter is swearing and gross-faced because of some demon, let's save her! And then they do, the end.

As HBIC, however, Satan has very clear plans. Those plans entail siring an Antichristacular spawn and getting shit done, world-domination style. The son of Satan is gonna rise to power, bring about Hell on Earth, and woe be to anyone who gets in his way, whether it's earthly mommy and daddy or some nosy priest or YOU...and don't fool yourself- by "woe" I mean "death". The Omen is chock full of Final Destination-worthy death scenes that continue to shock nearly 40 years after the film's release. What's most shocking, perhaps, is that the movie doesn't feel at all dated. The shenanigans of Satan are timeless!

I love that there are so many freak-out scenes. I love that Damien is an evil kid without being an "evil" kid. I love that he's five and he's already got minions, both human and doggie, ready to do his bidding and give their lives to protect him. I love that it's got a downer of an ending. I love the weird nun elevator in the hospital. I love that there are so many eye closeups, you might think this is a Lucio Fulci film. Fuck yeah, I love The Omen!

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stuff to do

It's been a super long time since I've done an event around these parts, so I say to myself and to you: why not now? And by "now", I mean "starting tomorrow"! That's right, brace yourselves for...

You know how I feel about VHS (I LOVE IT) and I've got a bunch sitting around here waiting to be, like, watched or whatever. More than a bunch! Damn you, Spudic's Movie Empire (RIP, you were the best), for your $1 VHS tapes. Damn you, Bull Moose, for your $0.30 VHS tapes. Damn you, me, for finding them all irresistible! Anyway, beginning tomorrow, I'll be watching and reviewing a movie on tape every day for a week. Isn't that the most incredible idea? I think we can all agree that it's probably the most incredible idea in the history of ever.

So you're not dying of suspense wondering what I'm fixin' to watch and talk about (or maybe you want to join in the fun! FROM YOUR OWN HOUSE, I don't mean you can come over here, pervert):

MONDAY: Kolobos (1999)
TUESDAY: Wishmaster (1997)
WEDNESDAY: Patrick (1978)
THURSDAY: Silent Night, Deadly Night III: Better Watch Out! (1989)
FRIDAY: Initiation: Silent Night, Deadly Night 4 (1990)

Obviously, I'll be spending the week in heaven.

Now then, don't you go forgetting about stuff you have to do! Have you submitted your list of scariest movies yet for the SHOCKtober celebrations? Have you watched The Omen yet in anticipation of the next Film Club meeting? Why are you just sitting around? WHAT DO I PAY YOU PEOPLE FOR?

I'd like to close with this 4-sketch card set I did, Horror High. Hooray!

Look at me, Film Club! It's all for you!

If you know the quote I'm aping in the title of this post, then you know what's up: the next Film Club choice is The Omen (1976)!

That's right. Though I love it, I haven't seen this flick in a good long while and so I'm fixin' to remedy that. Perhaps the luster has worn off...? I doubt it- I mean, the film ranked as #45 of your top favorite horror movies, and I know you have totally discerning tastes. So watch it, write something about it (or just cyber-talk about it with someone who has written about it), and let's all get our satanic groove on together.

The haps:

The movie: The Omen (1976)
The due date: Tuesday, September 17
The deal:

1. watch the movie
2. link to Final Girl somewhere in your review
3. email me the link: stacieponder at gmail dot com
4. bask in the warm embrace of your fellow Film Clubbers

That's it! If you wrote a review of The Omen a million years ago and you want to be included, that's fine. Just add the link to Final Girl in there somewhere and send it along.

Film Club: Bay of Blood

Mario Bava's Bay of Blood (aka Twitch of the Death Nerve, aka A Zillion More Titles No Really Look Them Up, 1971) is widely considered to be the grandpappy of the slasher/body-count genre and it doesn't take a huge leap of logic to figure that hey, as such, the film is gonna have a bunch of gore and a bunch of violence and it's probably going to turn off a lot of people. In this regard, Bay of Blood certainly does not disappoint. And let me tell you, friends, that despite all the sights we've seen in the 40-plus years since this film hit, it's still as much of a shocker as it was then.

Some of this is due to the graphic nature of the kills- impalements, decapitations, face-hackings, throat-cuttings, and more are all on full display and, of course, many of these scenes would be aped later in "dead teenager" offerings such as Friday the 13th and its sequel.

More than the gore, though, it's the lingering shots Bava employs that serve to disturb the viewer as we're forced to watch that ol' death nerve a-twitchin'. All in all, the film is a downright nasty piece of work.

It's tough to put together the pieces of this murder mystery until roughly halfway through its running time. Up until then, you may find your patience wearing thin as you try to suss out who is who and who's killing who and who's zoomin' who as characters enter and exit the show with little explanation as to motivation and/or how they relate to one another. But when it all comes together, it comes together fast and Bay of Blood reveals itself to be not only a nasty piece of work, but also a delightfully gleeful black comedy in which terrible people do terrible things all in the name of greed. The familiar "inheritance plot" spirals out of control as people simply must be killed- you know how these things go- and eventually no one is left unscathed. When her husband questions if all the death is really necessary, cold-hearted snake Renata (Claudine Auger) explains, "Will you stop being such an old maid? You have to rely on instinct in certain situations." In other words, if someone gets between you and the money, it's murderin' time.

Though Bay of Blood may not rank among Bava's best work, it's still far better (and far more stylish) than the majority of the films it would influence later. And if nothing else, it's given me a burning desire to be a wealthy Countess so I, too, can dismiss people by simply saying "I'm late for my nap."

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That's no moon...it's the Film Club choice

Boy oh boy, have I had a hankerin' for some Italian horror fare lately And so, without further whatever, I hereby bestow the title of "next Final Girl Film Club choice" onto...

Bay of Blood! 

Indeed, let's get our groove on with the 1971 Mario Bava flick that influenced many a slasher film, most notably several early entries in the Friday the 13th series. A good time will be had by all! Or, at least, some.

The haps:

The movie: Bay of Blood (aka Twitch of the Death Nerve, 1971)
The due date: Tuesday, August 27
The deal:

1. watch the movie
2. link to Final Girl somewhere in your review
3. email me the link: stacieponder at gmail dot com
4. bask in the warm embrace of your fellow Film Clubbers

That's it! If you wrote a review of Bay of Blood a million years ago and you want to be included, that's fine. Just add the link to Final Girl in there somewhere and send it along.

Film Club: Children of the Corn (2009)

Brothers, sisters, fellow behind-the-rows-walkers, I am so pleased to have experienced The Corn-ening 2: The Re-Corn-ening with you all. For while you were all incredibly supportive throughout that long and mildly traumatic day, there really is nothing quite like joining hands and jumping into that giant cornhole together. And so,

I went into Children of the Corn '09 with an open mind and a heart free of doubt. Okay, that's not true. I had plenty of doubts! Of course I did. I don't think I heard one good thing about this movie in the days leading up to this Film Club gathering. Still, as has happened plenty of times in the past, I gave a shrug, said "How bad can it be?"- after all, the original version is enjoyable but could undoubtedly be improved upon- and gave it a go.

Oh my goodness, IT'S SO BAD.

If you haven't seen it, I will quickly sum it up for you so you never have to subject yourself.

For 45 minutes, these two people argue:

For 30 minutes, people run through corn:

Besides some assorted fuckery that takes up the rest of the run time, that's pretty much it for this crapfest of a flick. Mind, said assorted fuckery is really something to behold! Behold:

• Burt goes on a kid-killing spree during 'Nam flashbacks! I guess he spent a sizable amount of time crawling around cornfields whilst battling the Viet Cong.
• "The time for fertilization is come." You guys. YOU GUYS. Two of the older kids strip down and do it- AND YES I MEAN "IT"- right there in the Corn Church in front of the rest of the Corn Children, who get really excited as the humping goes on. I am unsure why the filmmakers decided to subject us to this extended scene, but let me just say: there is life before you watch a bunch of kids watch other kids have sex, and there is life after. STAY IN THE LIFE BEFORE.
• There are little crucified corn cobs, and the crucified corn cobs have faces. That's actually one for the 'plus' column, can't lie.

Given that in the original film, Vicky (Linda Hamilton) was only in the film to harass Burt about getting married and, later, to be rescued, I thought the character would be improved in the remake. Or, at the least, evolved a bit, much as Barbra in the remake of Night of the Living Dead (although you know I loves me some OG Barbra, haters to the left). Instead...man, I don't know what the hell they were thinking with New Vicky. Actually, "I don't know what the hell they were thinking" entered my thoughts a shit ton during this movie, but Vicky is just THE END. All she does is bitch and yell at Burt- and I do mean that's all she does. I don't think there's ever been a less sympathetic character in a film before, and I've seen movies featuring all kinds of monsters, ghouls, and the occasional Hitler. She has no redeeming qualities. You do not care if she dies- in fact, you'll likely spend the first 45 minutes of the movie wishing that she would, horribly and painfully. Burt doesn't fare any better, but it seems that the director gave him a few notes beyond "Okay, now...be unrelentingly shrill!" There is no one to root for in Children of the Corn, and so what's the point?

As I said, there are plenty of other head-scratchers throughout. One of the greatest strengths of the original film is the opening, wherein the children of Gatlin quietly murder all of the adults in town. We don't know their motivations; we only know that they are silent and deadly. You know, like...ninjas. In the remake, a child preacher is all "We have to kill the adults because God said so!" and the kids are all "Yeah!" and then it's 12 years later. Why excise such a powerful scene? I guess the people behind the remake are jerks.

Speaking of jerks, what of the HJIC (Head Jerk in Charge), Isaac?

Terrible. Terrible! And I don't mean that in a JR Ewing gee, I love to hate him kind of way. I mean it in a he's not at all threatening, and how could he be the leader of these jerk corn children when he's not at all charismatic or powerful, and couldn't they have found a better actor because this kid is the total pits and monotonously mumbles through all of his lines, and also what is up with his hair he's got a frosted blow out going on under that oversized novelty hat kind of way.

We can take solace in the fact that the last bit, about the hair, can be explained. As the credits scrolled by, I saw that the styles come courtesy of Jose Eber. Jose Eber! If you don't know who that is, then first, feast your eyes:

And second, this blurb from his Wiki page tells you all you need to know:

...José created a sexy, carefree unstructured look that was easier to maintain and which instantly became "de rigueur" for an entire generation. His first celebrity client was Farrah Fawcett, followed by Cher, Jaclyn Smith, Elizabeth Taylor,and the Who's Who of Hollywood.

Why Jose Eber was called upon to style the Coifs of the Corn, I have no idea, but bless the heart of the person who signed that check.

Why I'm supposed be scared to find Isaac directing the Children with some rooftop YMCA bullshit, we may never know.

All in all, the best thing I can say about Children of the Corn 2009 is that I'm glad I didn't watch it during the original Corn-ening, because I would have watched it last and it would have ruined my day. Watching it on its own, sure, it ruined my day (it's really really really bad), but it certainly didn't sully my memories of, you know, remote-controlled electric wheelchairs or stop motion He Who Walks Behind the Rowseses. It was a self-contained misery that others got to suffer through as well, hooray!

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The Revenge of the Final Girl Film Club

My my my, guess what! I'm choosing a Film Club Choice. Can you believe it has been almost a year since the Film Club Coolies have gotten their cool on with the last pick, Deadly Blessings? Time sure flies when there's no Film Club.

Well, prepare for time to grind to a complete halt, friends, because the ol' FGFC is back. And considering what I endured yesterday with The Corn-ening, I think you know what's coming. That's right- there's more Corn to endure and this time, I will not do it alone.

DRUM ROLL.

Oh yeah. You knew it had to happen. The remake of Children of the Corn, woo! I bet it's terrible. It's terrible, right? But here's the thing: I will likely temper my "it's terrible" because Kandyse McClure is in it, and as you you you oughta know, she was on Battlestar Galactica and you know how I feel about that. I am just saying. Anyway, here are the deets! There's a pretty short turn-around time because I want to capitalize on my Corn Fever, so LOOK OUT.

The movie: Children of the Corn (2009)
The due date: Tuesday, July 30
The deal:

1. watch the movie
2. link to Final Girl somewhere in your review
3. email me the link: stacieponder at gmail dot com
4. bask in the warm embrace of your fellow Film Clubbers

That's it! If you wrote a review of Children of the Corn (THE REMAKE!!) a million years ago and you want to be included, that's fine. Just add the link to Final Girl in there somewhere and send it along.

Now come on, y'all, take my hand. Let's walk behind the rows together.

Film Club Redux: The Initiation

Okay, it's time for the first second-chance Film Club, hooray. Below is my original review for The Initiation, and I find that my feelings on it haven't really changed. For better or for worse, it remains a slice of pure '80s horror, and as you probably know I eat up those slices with fervor no matter how bad they may be for me. That, my friends, is called life on the edge. Daphne Zuniga and shopping malls and twins and brain experiments and Heidi the Glamorous Assistant and slasherness...oh yes. The Initiation, I've missed you.

Oh, and if you never read my OG review in situ all those years ago, then you missed out on a comment left by Heidi the Glamorous Assistant, which proves that her awesomeness carries over into real life:

OK, well, Heidi here, and I just HAVE to chime in, although I have no idea if anyone will actually read this post ... Just found this page, having googled myself to find clips under "Joy Tipping" ... the reason I have only one IMDB listing is because "The Initiation" is my one-and-only movie. I grew up and became something even worse than an actress ... a journalist, mostly at The Dallas Morning News. (I've also written two books as Joy Dickinson ... "Haunted City," a guide to New Orleans for Anne Rice fans, and "Scarlett Slept Here: A Book Lover's Guide to the South," both available on Amazon ... shameless promotion is my specialty, under any name).

I sure appreciate all the Heidi-love I'm seeing; makes me think I should have stuck with acting. For those who were particularly intrigued by those oh-so-flattering closeups, be assured that I am now using lip gloss with much more regularity, and Heidi's hairstyle was dreamed up by the movie's makeup artists (my own hair was deemed "too pretty" to make the cut).

And for those of you who're wondering how well shameless self-promotion works, I still get royalty checks from "The Initiation" occasionally ... the last one was about two years ago, for around $12.

Joy Tipping (aka Joy Jones, aka Heidi)

Is she the best OR WHAT. Anyway, onto the review and new (and old) Film Club Coolies! Aww, I used to give movies a numerical rating.
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Here we are at the 4th meeting of the Final Girl Film Club. I have a feeling this will be a very, very lonely meeting, and it’s all Netflix’s fault. OK, it’s MY fault for not reading the ENTIRE Netflix entry for the club selection, The Initiation (1983). I realize that offering up a film that’s essentially unavailable at most rental outfits is akin to taking back an engagement ring- it’s equally as soul-crushing, to be sure- but what can I say? Jesse Ventura ain’t got time to bleed and I ain’t got time to read. A word of warning if you couldn't catch the flick this time 'round: this post will most likely be all ten kinds of spoileriffic, so if you care about that sort of thing…don’t let the door hit ya!

A young girl walks in on her parents making The Beast With Two Backs. As can be expected, the girl pulls a knife and stabs her father in the leg. Suddenly, a strange man in a suit bursts in the door. There’s a tussle; the girl’s father pours some liquid over the stranger, the stranger falls down by the lit fireplace, the stranger catches fire. The girl screams—

--and it’s all one of Kelly’s (Daphne Zuniga) nightmares! Phew! It seems the poor girl has been plagued by this same nightmare for some time now…but there are more pressing matters at hand. It’s Hell Week at Delta Rho Chi sorority, wherein the nubile pledges must perform feats of derring-do and obey their elders if they hope to become full-fledged sisters. Everyone all together now, get monotonous!

Delta-Rho-Chi
Never-Will-Die

Except-for-later
At-the-mall!

The crazy prank demanded by the bitchy sorority leader Megan (Frances Peterson) is classic 80s shenanigans, baby: the pledges are to break into the mall owned by Kelly’s father and steal the hunky security guard’s uniform…”Right down to his skivvies!”

Don’t get too excited though; there’s still a few days yet until Prank Night. In the meantime, Kelly’s nightmares are getting worse. She visits “The Dream Factory”, the domain of graduate student Peter (James Read) and his glamorous assistant Heidi (Joy Jones), whom I found oddly…fascinating. Don’t YOU find Heidi oddly fascinating?




Peter and Heidi hook Kelly up to all manner of machines to get her REM readings and the such. Upon waking, Kelly recounts her nightmare in great detail, to which Peter replies, “That’s beautiful. You’ve got all the classic symbols there: mom, dad, fire…a strange man…” Wow, Peter really knows his shit! Good luck with that thesis, Peter- not that you’ll need it. The resourceful Heidi interprets things a little more scientifically, however, and surmises that Kelly’s not experiencing nightmares…she’s experiencing hidden memories. See, Kelly can’t remember much of her childhood…she’s got amnesia that conveniently blocks her memories prior to age nine. Heidi is very excited by this discovery!

Have you fallen under Heidi's spell yet? I bet you have.

Anyway, Kelly’s parents (Vera Miles and Clu Gulagher) are NOT excited about the Dream Factory and forbid her from continuing the therapy, to which Kelly basically replies “Up yours, I’ll do what I want!” Sheesh, parents- all uptight and whatnot. And hey, why are they so concerned with a breakout at a mental hospital that’s 300 miles away? Hmm. Who knows. It doesn't really matter; soon enough Dad finds himself meeting the business end of a gardening fork- yowee!

But why dwell on such unpleasantries? It’s time for that 80s cinematic staple, the Party Which Serves No Purpose! Yes, it's off to a frat party wherein a band plays- one so perfect for the job that the keyboardist pogos and plays with one hand, mind you- and everyone is dressed as their “favorite suppressed desires”. Everyone gets their Freud on and we’re treated to someone in bad KISS makeup, someone in a giant penis costume, and Daphne Zuniga in a leather miniskirt and studded collar. Speaking of Freud, let’s pause to take another look at the poster art for The Initiation, shall we? Is it just me, or do you also get a…deeper meaning here?

Now THAT’S Jungtastic!

OK, FINALLY it’s time for Prank Night. Kelly and her fellow pledges Marcia (Marilyn Kagan) and Alison (Hunter Tylo) get into the mall with no problem 'cause Kelly stole the keys from her dad. Megan promises to let them out when they’ve scored the uniform and locks the door behind them. As the pledges go off to do their thing, however, Megan and three doofy frat guys head inside as well. Their goal? Something I’ve never before seen in a horror flick- they’re gonna scare the pledges! By “I've never before seen”, of course, I mean “I've seen 50,000,000 times”.

What no one knows is that a shadowy, garden fork-wielding figure has ALSO snuck into the mall…probably NOT with the intent of getting an early start on Macy’s Super Door Busters Sale. First on the chopping block is the hunky security guard, who dutifully checks out a strange noise. Man, I don’t know who this guy is, nor does he have any lines, but he really gives his all for his big death scene. That’s called screaming with gusto, or Le Scream-Scream, as the French like to say.

Now that we’re at the mall, The Initiation kicks it into high gear. Hunter Tylo puts on roller skates, the shadowy figure dispatches teens with your usual assortment of slasher weapons (including a hatchet and a bow and arrow), and there’s some spooky stalking sequences.

Meanwhile, back at The Dream Factory, super sleuth Heidi has pieced together Kelly’s past through the power of microfiche: when Kelly was young, she walked in on her mom and dad having sex…only it wasn’t really her dad! The man in the suit was Kelly’s dad, and after he got char-broiled he was shipped off to…a mental hospital! He recently escaped the hospital, however, and Heidi is sure that Kelly’s in mortal danger. Peter fires up The Dream Factory Mobile and heads off to save Kelly.

Heidi is totally right- Kelly IS in mortal danger! Bodies are being discovered and Daphne Zuniga acts totally scared.


She’s chased up to the roof by the shadowy figure who turns out to be…her burn-scarred original dad! Oh noes! Have no fear, though, because Kelly is totes resourceful and conks him on head with a pipe. Burn-Scarred Original Dad falls to the ground and lands with a thud. Before you can say “Wow, that was intense!”, however, Kelly heads back into the mall to find…her EVIL TWIN SISTER stabbing Peter and staring back at her! Oh. My. God.

Then Daphne Zuniga has the best I just saw my evil twin sister that I didn’t even know I had totally stab my new boyfriend right in front of me! reaction EVER.

The twins square off and…maybe one of them lives. I’m not going to tell you the outcome, precisely, but let’s just say that The Initiation ends with a freeze-frame and a saxophone. “Good night, sister darling!”

OK, The Inititation is really nothing more than an average mid-80s slasher flick; there’s gratuitous nudity to be sure, but the gore pretty much amounts to copious amounts of...shall we say Karo-esque blood. The storyline is at times hokey (despite your Heidi-ness, I’m looking at YOU, Dream Factory) and hackneyed- how many times have we seen the Evil Twin scenario? I’m not complaining- I love me some evil twins- but it’s not exactly new ground being tread here.

For what it is, however, The Initiation certainly excels and I kind of adored it. It’s got a sort of…quiet enthusiasm about the subject matter that sets it apart from its contemporaries. The acting is much better than the typical genre fare- particularly from Vera Miles (who seems to forget she’s in a low-budget slasher flick and does a great job) and Daphne Zuniga. The title sequence claims, with a big “Introducing…”, that this is Ms Zuniga’s first on-screen role. We here at Final Girl know that her REAL debut came a year or so earlier in Pranks (aka The Dorm that Dripped Blood); truth be told, however, I’d probably want Pranks off my resume as well.

Another advantage The Initiation has over the competition comes courtesy of Charles Pratt’s screenplay: there’s actually some characterization going on here. Particularly of note is a story told by Marcia; when she’s teased about being a virgin one too many times, she reveals that she’s not, in fact, a virgin- she was sexually assaulted by her violin teacher when she was 12 and she’s never told anyone, not even her mother. It’s an odd moment in a slasher flick, to be sure, but when Marcia falls victim we’re maybe just a little bit sad about it. Audience investment heightens the effects of any movie, and it’s especially true of horror films.

Charles Pratt, of course, would go on to meet up with Daphne Zuniga again a few years later on a little project called Melrose Place. You may also recall that one Hunter Tylo was fired from Melrose Place prior to filming for…well, basically for getting pregnant. See? The world- even the realm of slasher flicks- is just one big Aaron Spelling-flavored Moebius Strip. And honestly, wouldn’t we all like the world a little more if there really WERE two Daphne Zunigas? Yeah, even if one was evil- that’s a chance I’d be willing to take. I give it 7 out of 10 I’m sorry, I’m sure “Aaron Spelling-flavored” probably ruined your appetites.

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Film Club Coolies!
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Mermaid Heather
Dreamrot
Life Between Frames
Kaedrin
JDC's Little Hill
KL5-FILM
Cinema Gonzo
Scarina's Scary Vault of Scariness
Old Horror Movies